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Ex wants to see me but he has a baby now


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Old 10th November 2017, 7:07 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Of course it is a bad thing from her POV, as she is single and she doesn't want to be lumbered with a new born baby he had with someone else and an ex who will always be hanging around somewhere...
She wants to be his no 1, she wants her kids to be his no 1 too, not back in line after he pays child support for his special "first born".
Some men do not want to bring up other men's kids and some women do not want to bring up other women's kids either.
It is not self centred, it is all about self preservation.
I'm not endorsing getting back together. I just find it ironic that she calls him the love of her life yet seems completely unwilling to even acknowledge she has some culpability in both of them ending up where they are now. BTW It's usually WAY different being a single dad than a single mom. Most dads only have their kids every other weekend or one week a month. It's unlikely she ends up raising someone else's kid. But who knows the answers to any of these questions if she refuses to meet...
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:18 AM   #17
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I'm not endorsing getting back together. I just find it ironic that she calls him the love of her life yet seems completely unwilling to even acknowledge she has some culpability in both of them ending up where they are now. BTW It's usually WAY different being a single dad than a single mom. Most dads only have their kids every other weekend or one week a month. It's unlikely she ends up raising someone else's kid. But who knows the answers to any of these questions if she refuses to meet...
HE cancelled the meet.

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He cancelled our meeting and said, "I think we should wait to meet up. I just want to make sure I can still see my son and she doesn't screw me over in the divorce. You're also kinda seeing someone now and I know I need some time. Especially if I hurt you that badly before, its not fair to you. I'll let you know when things settle down for me." I said "Ok just let me know then." He said "I promise I will.

That was the end of our conversation. I agreed to meet him face to face just to see if the connection was still there, but he cancelled, so now I can't. I don't know if I'll ever see him now.
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:30 AM   #18
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HE cancelled the meet.
That's misrepresenting what happened. She stated that he cancelled only after her understandably strong reaction to discovering he had a baby. He realized it was too soon and promised to reconnect with her AFTER he sorted out his divorce and other personal affairs... She stated she's not going to agree to meet him again...
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:57 AM   #19
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It's unlikely she ends up raising someone else's kid.
Maybe; maybe not, but it's more likely that she will end up having to deal with a psycho babymama who will use the child as a pawn in her vindictive game and Lattes wants to avoid wading into that cesspool, which I don't blame her.

Dude needs to clean up his messy, messy life before asking anyone to join him in it.
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Old 10th November 2017, 11:04 AM   #20
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I wonder if the wife knows they are getting divorced......
Yep, this guy is NOT getting a divorce. []

Come on now. Who the hell is getting a divorce with a 3 month old?

The ex is undersexed at the moment due to the new arrival. And as opposed to many of us who would love a chance at fatherhood and everything that it entails(this is one of my life's few regrets, that I never had kids), he just wants [sex with] OP. Because he thinks she will keep her trap shut about it if he can pull it off. So he doesn't have to keep masturbating in the shower like he is now.
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:35 PM   #21
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All this negative speculation and character assassination about him is uncalled for. All we know is that OP dumped him, he rushed out and found a wife and had a kid. She regrets dumping him. He regrets getting married and having a kid so quickly. He may or may not be lying about actually getting a divorce etc... but it really doesn't matter at this point. He reached out to her, they talked and HE was the one that decided it was too much too soon until AFTER he divorced. So I don't see all the need to project this duplicity about his intent unless he doesn't keep his word. I would meet again, because to me it's not a commitment to anything. Maybe she will feel nothing and get closure. It seems like she is afraid that meeting him will just get her entangled in an emotional mess she's not prepared to deal with. If so, that's fine. But again, not need to drag the guy through the mud...
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Old 10th November 2017, 3:17 PM   #22
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After doing some cleanup and removing the posting privileges of a couple members for language violations, I'll add a directive here to adopt a more collaborative and civil tone to interactions in this thread, as well as to cease and desist with the inflammatory language. Thanks!
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:04 PM   #23
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Thank you everyone for your input. To clarify, I did apologize to him many times on the phone a week ago for breaking up with him when I was 22 and emotionally unavailable. He apologized to me for "being immature and obviously rushing things." I do feel like this was all my fault. I could have changed the entire outcome of this situation had I stayed, and looking back now, I only wish there was a time machine.


However maybe I was saved from ending up in her shoes. I still don't know what he may have done to cause the divorce, considering it ended so abruptly. I also think maybe she knew the marriage was going downhill and might have trapped him with getting pregnant, but that's just a theory, and it doesn't really matter anyway.


I'm going to focus on the guy I'm currently seeing, and if my ex ever reaches out to meet, I'll just meet him for coffee and maybe I'll get my real closure then. If not, then I need to close that chapter.


I keep thinking there was something I could have done. Maybe I could have called him up before he had the baby? But all of these what-ifs are pointless and I'm tired of him haunting my heart.


It hurts knowing she'll have him in the palm of her hand for the next 18 years but hopefully I'll find my own happiness and forget about them.


Thanks everyone!
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:55 PM   #24
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Thank you everyone for your input. To clarify, I did apologize to him many times on the phone a week ago for breaking up with him when I was 22 and emotionally unavailable. He apologized to me for "being immature and obviously rushing things." I do feel like this was all my fault. I could have changed the entire outcome of this situation had I stayed, and looking back now, I only wish there was a time machine.


However maybe I was saved from ending up in her shoes. I still don't know what he may have done to cause the divorce, considering it ended so abruptly. I also think maybe she knew the marriage was going downhill and might have trapped him with getting pregnant, but that's just a theory, and it doesn't really matter anyway.


I'm going to focus on the guy I'm currently seeing, and if my ex ever reaches out to meet, I'll just meet him for coffee and maybe I'll get my real closure then. If not, then I need to close that chapter.


I keep thinking there was something I could have done. Maybe I could have called him up before he had the baby? But all of these what-ifs are pointless and I'm tired of him haunting my heart.


It hurts knowing she'll have him in the palm of her hand for the next 18 years but hopefully I'll find my own happiness and forget about them.


Thanks everyone!
Well, coparenting as divorced parents isn't usually very fun so I don't know that she feels great having him "in the palm of her hand for the next 18 years." I don't know that I would feel badly about that, if I was you...

Do you really want to feel badly that you didn't call a married man and insert yourself into his marriage before he had a baby... I don't think so.

Who knows what happened in their marriage... My guess, they are getting divorced because they rushed into marriage and had a child without really developing a strong foundation for their relationship. Bad decision, after bad decision, after bad decision...

You, can't go back so don't even try. Look forward and build a good life for yourself. Closure is something you find for yourself... You won't find it during a coffee date with your ex.

Just my .02 cents. Good luck.
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:16 PM   #25
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I think a major point is getting missed here, in that there is a pattern. This guy could have accepted a continued committed relationship without full out marriage. The OP was 22. I see his approach as "all or nothing," as he shipped off to boot camp (?). It's a "mistake" that has gotten made a lot in my experience with my stepdad and some men that I have dated, married too young, and he's not really around a lot, and when he's home there is getting used to each other again, and what about combat and issues surrounding that? Toss in kids that eat up your time and money. It's TOUGH to be a military couple. Getting married too young, too fast does not make matters easier.

This guy runs head-strong at warp speed to level 10, completely bypassing important stages. In THREE YEARS - that's 36 MONTHS - we had a break up, marriage, another breakup, attempted rekindling with the old girlfriend...because he's facing being alone.

Pattern.

The OP feels she ended the love of her life. At 22, marriage and military is huge, and I think she was right to say no, I can't do this right now. He could have accepted that. For the OP, it HAD to be all or nothing because HE would not accept anything less...HE was all or nothing.

It is perfectly reasonable for the OP to fear and not know what to do with an infant. If she jumps into this relationship, it's instant motherhood. It's frightening, and we have no idea how this ex-couple will interact with co-parenting. We have no idea if this ex-wife will be a shrew or if he will be a deadbeat. The OP will have to raise this child, pick him up from daycare, drop him off, stay home with a barfing child, and hopefully Mom isn't a complete nightmare. During divorce and custody, things get ugly. It's not a good judge on how things will play out in the future, but it can be an indicator.

This guy shouldn't be "wh*ring it", and yes, this will come up in court when the ex learns he's dating. Unfair? Yes. Divorce can be an ugly beast. The guy has too much on his plate to consider developing a bond with a future wife. His focus should be his child and his income...end of story....NOT quickly replacing the wife/mother...which is his pattern.

And I agree with an earlier post that perhaps he's looking for that easy life, easy sex, no babies, no sleep deprivation, tired wife, diapers, feedings, wife feels ugly and is tired, possible postpartum, stinks like milk and can't walk in a room without the baby screaming for a boob...babies are tough on marriages too. He could very well be bailing because fatherhood and marriage aren't the rainbows and kittens he built up in his head...she could be doing the same.
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