Christmas Debate

[vagirl91089]

Hello all!

 

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years, and we've been living together the last year and a half. One issue we always argue over every year is Christmas. I love it and he hates it. And because of that, we always argue about decorating, etc for Christmas. We "compromise" and I get to put up a tiny tree and two stockings, but I have to wait until a week or two before Christmas. And he usually complains the whole time and I have found that I usually end up spending more time away from our home around the holidays because I can't stand his hum bug attitude.

 

His grandparents have passed and he says the holidays are hard for him and I get that, so I try to be sensitive. I grew up with the tradition of decorating on Thanksgiving and "going all out" so to speak. And I know that all relationships require compromise, but I feel like in this situation, I am doing most of the compromising. I hate that I can't carry on the traditions I've always done and I feel like I have to suppress myself for his sake. Am I being selfish or are my feelings well founded?

[Zahara]

When my Nana passed away a few years ago, I lost my spirit for X'mas. And I still feel this way. I can walk into a mall and hear a Christmas song and feel a pain in my heart. Ever since then, I've stayed away from it.

 

This year will be my first year spending it with someone I love. He loves the TG and X'mas season and I will be partaking in his joy of decorating and celebrating. He knows how I feel and wants me to let him know if anything makes me uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, I'll be happy to see him happy and I am sure he will be conscious and respectful as to how I feel.

 

Compromise and balance is healthy. But your boyfriend sounds rigid/controlling rather than compromising.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can relate to your boyfriend. I "do" Christmas, but not nearly as big as "most" people, and if I didn't have kids, I might skip the decorating/tree altogether. I'm divorced, my dad died totally unexpectedly of a heart attack on Christmas Day (which of course carries bad memories), and I don't have a ton of money to spend on Christmas. Add to that the absence of a large family and it just seems like so much more trouble than it's worth most years. It's not such a happy happy time for me. Everything I do with regard to Christmas is for other people - mainly my kids and my mother.

 

You won't be able to change his holiday spirit, but it does sound like he's compromising a bit.....maybe you can get a couple more weeks of the decorations out of him? Get him to attend ONE Christmas play/function?

[kendahke]

He doesn't like ostentatious xmas observances. This is who he is; he's not going to become "who you wished he would be" because that's a completely different person than him.

 

So you either accept him and all of him or reject him and leave.

 

You've known for 3 christmases now---how much more time do you need to see that he's not budging from this aversion to ostentatious christmas observation?

 

You were put on notice the first christmas that this is who he is.

 

I can't carry on the traditions I've always done and I feel like I have to suppress myself for his sake.

 

Yes you can.

 

You just can't do it with him as your partner. If doing this is more important than the other benefits being with him gives you, then bounce and find a guy who is as crazy about the season as you are.

 

This guy ain't that guy and no amount of input from others is going to change who he fundamentally is.

[mortensorchid]

You must reach some sort of compromise on this. I remember years ago I was with this guy who I thought I was going to be with forever (but that's another story) and we were approaching Christmas. I was all excited about it because this was going to be the first holiday together and he did nothing but ruin it. I found out he ruined all holidays and occasions. I won't get into that right now as to how/why, that was just how he was. But your bf sounds like he's somewhat in the same boat, he has different reasons (grandparent passing away) but this is one of those impasses you must reach, agree to disagree, then move on.

[guest569]

I don't think you're being selfish or unreasonable in the slightest. I find it a bit strange that he can't handle Christmas simply because his grandparents passed away. Must have been a traumatic experience he associates with Christmas. But he has you now, so why can't it be special for you two. I think he sounds a bit precious and negative and rigid. I don't think it is something to break up over though.

[Shining One]

I'm not a Christmas person and my girlfriend is. We don't live together, but she spends a lot of time here during the holidays. Our compromise: She's responsible for all decorating and cleanup. She can decorate both guest rooms, the guest bathroom, and the half of the living room without any electronics. I've set up my sound system so she can play Christmas music in all of those locations without it bothering me.

[amaysngrace]

You should ask him what would make the holiday more enjoyable for him because it makes you sad to see him sad.

 

He may come off as bah humbug but deep down his heart is broken. See what you can do to help.

[basil67]

I'm going full cynical here. Could it be that he's never been interested in Christmas and is using the grandparents as an excuse? Does he also use his disinterest in Christmas to avoid buying gifts?

 

What about when he has children? Is he going to deny them a joyful Christmas too?

 

Out of curiosity, is he thoughtful about birthdays?

[Gr8fuln2020]

I'm going full cynical here. Could it be that he's never been interested in Christmas and is using the grandparents as an excuse? Does he also use his disinterest in Christmas to avoid buying gifts?

 

What about when he has children? Is he going to deny them a joyful Christmas too?

 

Out of curiosity, is he thoughtful about birthdays?

 

I like this. I've known people like this. Excuses for not having to buy gifts. BA HUMBUG!

[vagirl91089]

I'm going full cynical here. Could it be that he's never been interested in Christmas and is using the grandparents as an excuse? Does he also use his disinterest in Christmas to avoid buying gifts?

 

What about when he has children? Is he going to deny them a joyful Christmas too?

 

Out of curiosity, is he thoughtful about birthdays?

 

He is very thoughtful about gifts on all occassions, even Christmas. It is certainly not anything we'd ever break up over, I am just always wondering if I am being too selfish about things.

 

He is very good about meeting me in the middle with other issues, it just seems like this one issue he really struggles with.

[guest569]

He is very thoughtful about gifts on all occassions, even Christmas. It is certainly not anything we'd ever break up over, I am just always wondering if I am being too selfish about things.

 

He is very good about meeting me in the middle with other issues, it just seems like this one issue he really struggles with.

 

But to me it isn't even something to "compromise" over. You're not talking about a major purchase or life plans or budget . It's some decorations. If partner wants to decorate a tree and do some traditions, let them! You live together and he should accept it and shut up. Its your home too. It's once a year.

[coolheadal]

Hello all!

 

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years, and we've been living together the last year and a half. One issue we always argue over every year is Christmas. I love it and he hates it. And because of that, we always argue about decorating, etc for Christmas. We "compromise" and I get to put up a tiny tree and two stockings, but I have to wait until a week or two before Christmas. And he usually complains the whole time and I have found that I usually end up spending more time away from our home around the holidays because I can't stand his hum bug attitude.

 

His grandparents have passed and he says the holidays are hard for him and I get that, so I try to be sensitive. I grew up with the tradition of decorating on Thanksgiving and "going all out" so to speak. And I know that all relationships require compromise, but I feel like in this situation, I am doing most of the compromising. I hate that I can't carry on the traditions I've always done and I feel like I have to suppress myself for his sake. Am I being selfish or are my feelings well founded?

 

Listen I agree with you 100%, but he is your live-in boyfriend he'll either except what you do or not. You tell them this is what you like to do and your not going to compromise anymore. This makes you happy to do. He needs to listen to your wishes. These times only come once a year. I was like him too but I putting up the tree and make the house look night for Christmas I had stopped doing this because of lost of my family. Now my new life begins next week I am so excited and can't wait.. Ring in the new year and make holiday egg less egg nog. So you tell him hey this is what I like to do! You with me or not! Don't fight over this okay not positive to do that. Love mean more you tell you love him and please try to cope with the holidays they mean so much too you! Merry Christmas!

[Gr8fuln2020]

He is very thoughtful about gifts on all occassions, even Christmas. It is certainly not anything we'd ever break up over, I am just always wondering if I am being too selfish about things.

 

He is very good about meeting me in the middle with other issues, it just seems like this one issue he really struggles with.

 

Life, relationships are about compromise. If he has been really good about compromising in other areas, well, fantastic. He has compromised, not given in or acquiesced to your demands. He isn't doing anything that should be considered heroic or amazing, rather, he's doing what everyone should be doing if they want to continue an healthy relationship with another human being.

 

In this instance, it should be the same. But, unless you are being selfish, compromising in your relationship should not be seen as being selfish. I am assuming that there is give and take. I would find out why he's so intransigent about this issue. I think having a frank discussion could soften his stance. It may be that you will need to forgo decorating with him, but keeping your holidays spirits alive and happy elsewhere (family, friends, holiday parties). Don't leave him out, of course, but hopefully he will engage in those activities as well.

 

Personally, I love the holidays. I have amazing memories of them and this time of the year is VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. I may not need to decorate (My MO is to put up a tree immediately after Halloween :-D), but there is no way I will allow someone to ruin my happy time(s). Good luck.

[Gaeta]

Welcome in my life.

 

I am all the way Xmas and holidays. I have a big family and the Holidays have always been huge to us.

 

My new bf of 2 years has some type of trauma related to the Holidays and he cannot celebrate Xmas or any other Holidays. He gets very depressed at that time of the year and all he wants is to curl up in a dark corner on his own.

 

When our first Xmas came by we had a huge debate about it, I cried, pleaded, threaten him to break up, the whole package. I felt if he loved me he would compromise and I was wrong to think that. After a lot of thinking about what he meant to me, what realtionships are about, what love is about, I decided to 'love' him and I did so by letting go of my Holidays expectations. I accepted the Holidays will be my thing with my family and it will be his time alone. No more fights, no more pressure.

 

You said relationships are about compromising so compromise for real. Respect his dislike of Holidays as part of him and build your joy of Xmas around other people. If you have a good BF like I do, he's worth the sacrifice.

[Cobra_X]

His grandparents have passed and he says the holidays are hard for him and I get that, so I try to be sensitive. I grew up with the tradition of decorating on Thanksgiving and "going all out" so to speak. And I know that all relationships require compromise, but I feel like in this situation, I am doing most of the compromising. I hate that I can't carry on the traditions I've always done and I feel like I have to suppress myself for his sake. Am I being selfish or are my feelings well founded?

 

My grandparents passed as well. I lost my passion for the holidays for a while.

 

However, I have a daughter that will be born likely between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I've never been so excited for the Holiday Season! I just bought $300 in Christmas lights and decorations.