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Is 3 dates IN too early to be exclusive? [UPDATE]


BlueIvy

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So, I have been dating this guy for 3 weeks, in which we had 3 dates. On the 3rd date, he mentioned he likes me and wants me to be his girl. I didn't take him seriously and he mentioned it again. He is 35 so he is a bit older than me, which is not an issue, but I would think at his age he isn't trying to play games.

 

I do like him and our dates have been going well. But I question if he is being for real because I feel it's kinda quick. So, it makes me wonder if he is saying that he wants me to be his girl based on me being "pretty" or just wants intimacy. One of my male friends said, "Well, Joanne, you are beautiful" as reasoning why he wants to claim me so quickly,lol.

 

We have a 4th date coming up and we haven't had sex yet, which is fine by me. I am dating other guys too but so far, he is the one I like the best.

 

I guess I am asking if this is normal to be exclusive after 3 weeks? Also, how should I address it with him? I don't want to be exclusive until I know him a little more.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I don't think this is odd at all for a grown man.

 

But, how old are you? How many others are you seeing, and how many times have you seen them? Are you having sex with them i think these are all things this man should be allowed to know before he decides to be exclusive with you.

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I don't think this is odd at all for a grown man.

 

But, how old are you? How many others are you seeing, and how many times have you seen them? Are you having sex with them i think these are all things this man should be allowed to know before he decides to be exclusive with you.

I'm in my 20s. Before, I was seeing 2 other guys, now just 1. Haven't had sex with anyone.

 

I guess It's because I assume most men want sex especially if they moving at a faster pace.

 

I don't want him to think I am not interested, but I want to tell him I wanna take things slow. Unless it's exclusive, I will still talk/date other men.

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He may just want to really be exclusive, and he’s not playing games. Ask him how many other women he’s dating right now, you’ll know then.

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I don't want to be exclusive until I know him a little more.

So, just tell him this.

 

I want to tell him I wanna take things slow.

Who says things have to go fast just because you're exclusive? It's not like he's proposing marriage. Exclusive dating is as easy to break as it is to form. You just say I don't want to date you any more and then make dates with others. I don't really get why people build it up so much.

 

Of course he might not want to date someone who is dating others, and he might decide not to see you again. But that's the risk you take. It's two different ways of doing things, neither is right or wrong, but they aren't compatible with each other. Your strategy is to spin several plates at once so you have spares in case one breaks. His strategy is to spin one plate at a time and put all his effort looking after that one. Neither is right or wrong, but you can't expect him to put all his effort into you if you're spreading yours around with other guys. The best solution is, as with most things in life, to communicate your thoughts and feelings, openly and honestly.

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I don't think wanting exclusivity so soon is that bad. It could just mean wanting to date one person at a time, and it doesn't necessarily mean being in a committed relationship, so you can still maintain some form of distance before deciding to go all in.

 

If I were you I'd try to get a sense of whether he's interested in simply not dating other people or if he's wanting commitment and to deepen things right away. Personally I'd be a little wary if it's the latter, after just 3 dates.

 

I prefer dating one person at a time too, but these days it appears it's better to start off seeing a couple people for a bit before becoming exclusive, so I've tried to adapt. But to each his own. I'm certainly no expert.

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Some "older" guys are looking for a virgin bride and thus want to lock one down as soon as they find her.

Others have a "virgin" fetish, so do not want her "deflowered" by anyone else before they have a chance to do so.

Be careful.

 

If he is in fact desperate for commitment then is that what you really want?

At 35 he will be looking to have kids ASAP. Is that what you want too?

If not, then stay away, too many "older" guys want to make wives out of women in their twenties, to get their heart's broken and their dream's shattered when she tells him a few years later, she is not nearly ready to settle down and have his kids.

You will have no chance to experience other men if you align yourself to a guy like this who no doubt wants to lock you down for life.

The problem with virgin marriages is that the "virgin" sooner or later, usually feels they have missed out on life experiences.

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thefooloftheyear

Just a hypothetical, but only one man's opinion....

 

I say do whatever you want, but I wouldn't participate in an arrangement where a woman is "shopping" me against other guys, and I have to wait around and hope I am the one she decides to pick....I wouldn't make any demands, I'd just be out of that deal on the spot...

 

.02

 

TFY

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heavenonearth

I am 30 and my boyfriend is 38.

He asked for exclusivity the third time we saw each other, which was about 3 weeks after we met.

I agreed to it because i knew i didn’t like anyone as much as him.

5 months later we are now in a committed relationship.

 

We took our time and didn’t become boyfriend and girlfriend until 4,5 months in.

Exclusivity doesn’t mean “moving fast”, it just means you focus on each other and have no other people as distractions.

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I don't think after three dates is too early to ask for exclusivity. As said before, if I knew someone I was dating was dating others and I was in a competition, that would suck!!!!! I'm not saying dating multiple people is bad, but it's not for some people, so maybe not for him. Do you think the guy(s) you are still dating might be "the one"? Do they even know about this guy?

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We have a 4th date coming up and we haven't had sex yet, which is fine by me. I am dating other guys too but so far, he is the one I like the best.

 

I guess I am asking if this is normal to be exclusive after 3 weeks? Also, how should I address it with him? I don't want to be exclusive until I know him a little more.

 

If both people are on-board they can run their relationship any way they want.

 

You want to date other men. He only wants to date you & has said that.

 

You need to tell him you have different views & that you think it's too soon to be exclusive. He may leave you if he feels that strongly about the subject but you have to do what is best for you.

 

Just because you are or aren't exclusive doesn't mean you immediately have to have sex. It's not about that. It's about him knowing you are not kissing or sleeping with other men while you are dating him. You can be exclusive & celibate.

Edited by d0nnivain
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Some "older" guys are looking for a virgin bride and thus want to lock one down as soon as they find her.

Others have a "virgin" fetish, so do not want her "deflowered" by anyone else before they have a chance to do so.

Be careful.

 

If he is in fact desperate for commitment then is that what you really want?

At 35 he will be looking to have kids ASAP. Is that what you want too?

If not, then stay away, too many "older" guys want to make wives out of women in their twenties, to get their heart's broken and their dream's shattered when she tells him a few years later, she is not nearly ready to settle down and have his kids.

You will have no chance to experience other men if you align yourself to a guy like this who no doubt wants to lock you down for life.

The problem with virgin marriages is that the "virgin" sooner or later, usually feels they have missed out on life experiences.

 

It’s not a big age gap. Secondly, I’m not a virgin. Well, at this point I’m dating with the intent of settling down. So, if it’s the right guy I could see myself having ma marriage and kids in a few years or so.

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I don't think after three dates is too early to ask for exclusivity. As said before, if I knew someone I was dating was dating others and I was in a competition, that would suck!!!!! I'm not saying dating multiple people is bad, but it's not for some people, so maybe not for him. Do you think the guy(s) you are still dating might be "the one"? Do they even know about this guy?

 

Well, they don’t know each other. It’s not that I have something to hide but I don’t see why they need to know. I’m sure they are dating other women too.

 

I prefer dating one guy but until it’s official a relationship, I don’t see why I should close the door. I do have to say I do like him. I only kissed one other guy and kissing this guy feels so good, lol.

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I am 30 and my boyfriend is 38.

He asked for exclusivity the third time we saw each other, which was about 3 weeks after we met.

I agreed to it because i knew i didn’t like anyone as much as him.

5 months later we are now in a committed relationship.

 

We took our time and didn’t become boyfriend and girlfriend until 4,5 months in.

Exclusivity doesn’t mean “moving fast”, it just means you focus on each other and have no other people as distractions.

 

That’s how I feel. I like this guy the most. I dropped 2 guys because I didn’t see a future. From the jump, our first date went well compared to others. I kissed the other kid too which was nice. But kissing this guy is next level. Even when I was on a date last week with the other guy, I was thinking about guy #1.

 

I guess it’s hard for me to trust men so I feel until it’s official I don’t wanna put all my eggs in 1 basket.

 

I guess I’ll ask him if he is seeing other women. If he isn’t, I’ll tell him we can be exclusive and I’ll drop the other guy I’m seeing. I just don’t wanna get my hopes up thinking he’s serious, when he is just running game.

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I have been exclusive after the first date. Mind you, the lead up to that involved plenty of communication back and forth via texting and phone calls AND a marathon date that really sealed it for both of us that it was worth being exclusive from day one. Not typical, but doable.

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Just a hypothetical, but only one man's opinion....

 

I say do whatever you want, but I wouldn't participate in an arrangement where a woman is "shopping" me against other guys, and I have to wait around and hope I am the one she decides to pick....I wouldn't make any demands, I'd just be out of that deal on the spot...

 

.02

 

TFY

 

I’m not shopping him around. I like him the best, hands down. I’m genuine but I have a hard time trusting most men at face value. Also, he is not aware I’m dating other guys, well just 1 other guy.

 

I will talk with him more about it when I see him.

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Michelle ma Belle

And here is just one of the many obstacles to dating people with significant age gaps; timing.

 

He's in his mid thirties and ready to settle down and plant some roots with one girl while you're young and still figuring things out about yourself and life.

 

The only remedy, communication.

 

Be honest with him about how you feel but be prepared that things may end with him as TFY pointed out.

 

Good luck.

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I don't think wanting exclusivity so soon is that bad. It could just mean wanting to date one person at a time, and it doesn't necessarily mean being in a committed relationship, so you can still maintain some form of distance before deciding to go all in.

 

If I were you I'd try to get a sense of whether he's interested in simply not dating other people or if he's wanting commitment and to deepen things right away. Personally I'd be a little wary if it's the latter, after just 3 dates.

 

I prefer dating one person at a time too, but these days it appears it's better to start off seeing a couple people for a bit before becoming exclusive, so I've tried to adapt. But to each his own. I'm certainly no expert.

Yes, I will def do this.

 

This is great advice! I’ll ask him for clarification and share my thoughts too.

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thefooloftheyear
I’m not shopping him around. I like him the best, hands down. I’m genuine but I have a hard time trusting most men at face value. Also, he is not aware I’m dating other guys, well just 1 other guy.

 

I will talk with him more about it when I see him.

 

If you are dating other guys, yes.....you absolutely are shopping them...

 

I like Honeycrisp apples, so when I go to the market, I buy only them...I don't get the Macintosh and Golden Delicious and put them in the cart, just in case the Honeycrisps are no good..

 

Additionally, If you have been on 3 dates with the guy, then I feel you at least owe him the honesty of telling him you are with others...Why be so elusive?

 

TFY

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So, just tell him this.

 

 

Who says things have to go fast just because you're exclusive? It's not like he's proposing marriage. Exclusive dating is as easy to break as it is to form. You just say I don't want to date you any more and then make dates with others. I don't really get why people build it up so much.

 

Of course he might not want to date someone who is dating others, and he might decide not to see you again. But that's the risk you take. It's two different ways of doing things, neither is right or wrong, but they aren't compatible with each other. Your strategy is to spin several plates at once so you have spares in case one breaks. His strategy is to spin one plate at a time and put all his effort looking after that one. Neither is right or wrong, but you can't expect him to put all his effort into you if you're spreading yours around with other guys. The best solution is, as with most things in life, to communicate your thoughts and feelings, openly and honestly.

You’re so right! I prefer dating one guy at a time but I guess because I’m older, and seen how some men can be players. I rather protect myself and not go all the way in until it’s serious. Even my male cousin said I should date multiple men.

 

But I will clarify with him my stance.

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It seems to me that you see being exclusive as some type of commitment or promise. Where you're at a higher risk of getting hurt than if you were seeing multiple people.

 

But it's not like that. Being exclusive simply allows you get get to know another person without distractions. I think you're placing more significance in this than it warrants.

 

And no, don't ask him if he's seeing others. Given his desire to date one woman at a time, it's highly unlikely that he is.

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It seems to me that you see being exclusive as some type of commitment or promise. Where you're at a higher risk of getting hurt than if you were seeing multiple people.

 

But it's not like that. Being exclusive simply allows you get get to know another person without distractions. I think you're placing more significance in this than it warrants.

 

 

Well to be fair, I have heard people explain how multidating allows one to maintain some emotional distance, and I can see how that might work. You're not as emotionally invested in one person due to the fact that you've got other people around. Probably takes longer to get caught up in one person, as you're forced to spread your dates out. I guess the goal is to figure out a way to feel each other out at a slower pace than the natural tendency when one is exclusive and hungry for intimacy.

 

To me it's just too much. Too much time, too much money, too much false pretense because most people don't explicitly come out and say they're multidating. At least not in the beginning.

 

Im trying to focus on friends, family, work, extracurriculars, and simply not prioritizing my romantic interest too soon, while still maintaining reasonable interactions. Seems to be working ok at the moment.

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Well to be fair, I have heard people explain how multidating allows one to maintain some emotional distance, and I can see how that might work. You're not as emotionally invested in one person due to the fact that you've got other people around. Probably takes longer to get caught up in one person, as you're forced to spread your dates out. I guess the goal is to figure out a way to feel each other out at a slower pace than the natural tendency when one is exclusive and hungry for intimacy.

 

I often read of people complaining about modern dating and how hard it is. Perhaps I'm showing my age, but I think all this multi dating is part of the cause.

 

People hedging their bets by dating a few at once, too afraid to take a risk, holding back on emotional investment....it's no surprise that so many find it difficult to make a connection.

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Well to be fair, I have heard people explain how multidating allows one to maintain some emotional distance, and I can see how that might work. You're not as emotionally invested in one person due to the fact that you've got other people around. Probably takes longer to get caught up in one person, as you're forced to spread your dates out. I guess the goal is to figure out a way to feel each other out at a slower pace than the natural tendency when one is exclusive and hungry for intimacy.

 

To me it's just too much. Too much time, too much money, too much false pretense because most people don't explicitly come out and say they're multidating. At least not in the beginning.

 

Im trying to focus on friends, family, work, extracurriculars, and simply not prioritizing my romantic interest too soon, while still maintaining reasonable interactions. Seems to be working ok at the moment.

 

I often read of people complaining about modern dating and how hard it is. Perhaps I'm showing my age, but I think all this multi dating is part of the cause.

 

People hedging their bets by dating a few at once, too afraid to take a risk, holding back on emotional investment....it's no surprise that so many find it difficult to make a connection.

 

So, we talked on the phone. He told me this previously but he is gonna be out of town for a little bit dude to work training. He asked me before what's gonna heppened between us but I didn't answer.

 

So, today on the phone I asked him what he meant and he said if I will be seeing other men. I am like do you not plan on staying in touch while you're away and he said he wants to.

 

I asked him, "Are you asking you for us to be exclusive?" And he said, "Yeah but..."

 

I told him I like him and I find him attractive. He sounded uncertain, it seemed like he was concerned if I was gonna date another guy and what if I like him. And I guess if that's the case, he probably wouldn't see the point in dating me anymore,lol? I asked him if he was gonna date someone while he is away and he insinuated he wouldn't.

 

Anyway, we agreed to talk about it later in person.

 

The fact he mentioned exclusivity again makes me thinks he must be serious and not trying to get in my pants, so I think I'm gonna drop the other dude then, and give this a shot. :cool:

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My boyfriend and I have been exclusive since our first date more than 4 years ago. He didn't ask for exclusivity on the first date but at the end of our 5 hour first date said that he liked me so much he would not be dating anyone else. Of course nothing was written in stone and there was no real commitment yet, but we already liked each other enough to not want to spend our available time going on dates with other people.

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