What was dating like before OLD and tinder happened?

[Cam1]

Someone just posted asking others to give their experiences on tinder, and it prompted me to think of this. In the generation before mine, like my parents, grandparents and slightly older cousins (we're even talking the 30-40 year olds out there)....What was dating like, before the advent of online dating websites, and apps like tinder, ashley madison, hot or not, etc?

 

I feel like it would have been really different. I feel like people would have invested more holistically in each other. Dates had to be "planned" because you didn't have a cell phone, or if you did it was just a flip phone, or a pager.

 

I also--AND THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHESIS--feel like people (especially men) would have invested more in their relationships. Because they didn't feel like they could easily just shop for a new person online, and at the click of a few buttons, the world was theirs! Instead finding someone new meant real work, and if you were with someone good...there was no reason to not try to work through things and grow with them.

 

You might have met someone in a college class that you were 6/10 compatible with, and worked with it, potentially getting married, instead of now holding out for that 9 out of 10 compatible person you THINK might just be one swipe away on tinder!

 

Am I wrong? Tell me what it was like before 2005 or so.

[smackie9]

You went out and met people and talked face to face.

 

Same BS tho, multi daters, ghosting, players, jerks, married people cheating on their spouses and all that.

 

Before the internet, as a teenager, you went to the park to see who was hanging out there, and where the parties were. (parents let you walk to school on your own too! and out till midnight on weekends with no supervision)

Edited November 6, 2017 by smackie9

[alphamale]

you actually had to leave your couch/bed to find people to date

[smackie9]

BTW, it was easier to cheat because you couldn't be traced from GPS, cel phones, text messages, etc. because there wasn't any. They had to take your word for it unless you got caught physically red handed.

Edited November 6, 2017 by smackie9

[smackie9]

people "shopped" for someone new when they were at the bar, because that's what people did back then....they went out and did stuff. So cheating was more obtainable.....you went back to their place for some shaggin.

[Michelle ma Belle]

BTW, it was easier to cheat because you couldn't be traced from GPS, cel phones, text messages, etc. because there wasn't any. They had to take your word for it unless you got caught physically red handed.

 

Perhaps but i think the digital age has also made cheating a lot easier and more accessible than ever before. You don't ever have to leave your couch to meet someone online and tumble down the rabbit hole into debauchery irregardless if you're in a relationship already or not. And unlike real life back in the old days, having multiple online 'partners' is almost common place, taking multi-tasking to a whole new level

 

I also think people's definition of cheating has also changed quite a bit too, particularly among men.

 

There are pros and cons to everything I suppose.

[alphamale]

irregardless

that's not a word

[Michelle ma Belle]

that's not a word

 

This is yet another reason why I should never respond whilst on my phone

[central]

Your options were limited to people you encountered in your daily life, or you could be matched up with by friends. So, the pool was very limited. If you had some eclectic or unusual traits in yourself, or that you sought in a date/mate, it was VERY difficult to find someone truly compatible. The opposite problem can occur with OLD, though - too many options, and you experience analysis paralysis and an inability to make a choice (assuming you have any, of course).

 

 

I'm just glad that OLD was taking off about the time I was back on the market. My best matches were not anyone I'd meet in my daily life or through friends - and the few of interest from daily life were already married or otherwise unsuitable. I found my best matches farther afield, and ALL of my ideal matches were more than 100 miles away - people I'd NEVER have met in real life.

 

 

My first marriage was a woman I met in college - and without having a wider perspective, she turned out to be a huge mistake. My current long-term relationship began online (as did some of my best-ever shorter relationships). I would definitely resort to technological aids if I'm ever again in the dating market (but I hope I never need to - it's a jungle out there!).

[CryForNoOne]

There are subtle little differences. You used to get a phone number on a napkin, book of matches, or last resort - write it on your hand. Coming home and checking your answering machine was a source of great angst or excitement. Flaking or ghosting, or as we called it, getting stood up, was something you talked about, but it almost NEVER happened. Maybe because I'm older now I'm oblivious, but it seems people used to throw more parties and get together more often back in the day. I had a large circle of friends from college or my peer group and almost every weekend someone was throwing a party. We never needed to form meetup groups or go online to meet people. Almost every girl I ever dated was someone I met through a party or hanging out in similar social circles before we started dating.

 

Definitely one huge difference is the whole "hookup" culture. Things were WAY different in the 90's. My generation lived through the height of the AIDS scare and a much smaller segment of the population was sexually promiscuous. There were obviously many people who slept around, always has been, always will be, but certainly not the demographic I dated from. I had three girlfriends over a 21 year span from 1995-2016. We only slept together once we were definitely a couple and all three ended up long term. I had a total of 4 sexual partners my whole life until April 2016. Since then I've had 8 in what? 19 months? And nothing lasting more than a month or so. I've met woman after woman who seems to love casual sex but freaks out the minute she hears the word boyfriend. That is totally acceptable today. In the 80's and 90's they had not very nice words to describe women like that. I definitely don't judge but it has taken a bit getting used to the adjusted expectations. I have to think the accessibility of so many men from apps like Tinder has A LOT to do with that...

[Cobra_X]

I feel like it would have been really different. I feel like people would have invested more holistically in each other. Dates had to be "planned" because you didn't have a cell phone, or if you did it was just a flip phone, or a pager.

I also--AND THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHESIS--feel like people (especially men) would have invested more in their relationships.

You might have met someone in a college class that you were 6/10 compatible with, and worked with it, potentially getting married, instead of now holding out for that 9 out of 10 compatible person you THINK might just be one swipe away on tinder!

Am I wrong? Tell me what it was like before 2005 or so.

 

I graduated from college in 2003. There were two ways to meet women, cold approaching them, and social circle. You generally didn't have access to women outside your social circle.

 

My social circle comprised mostly of women in my same sport, women in my classes, and friends of friends. Almost all of them were very liberal, very Caucasian, very educated. Did I invest more into these relationships? I did my best to maintain a good reputation among my peer group. Reputation was very, very important. However, I developed a strong distaste for women in this group... there are very few quality individuals among them.

 

Technology has been a blessing.

[Erik30]

I guess it was easier to get over people because you didn't have social media back then. Once it was over, they were pretty much gone forever. Out of sight, out of mind. (Unless you both lived in the same small town) Same goes for ghosting, you only had a number...

[Cobra_X]

. I've met woman after woman who seems to love casual sex but freaks out the minute she hears the word boyfriend. That is totally acceptable today. In the 80's and 90's they had not very nice words to describe women like that. I definitely don't judge but it has taken a bit getting used to the adjusted expectations. I have to think the accessibility of so many men from apps like Tinder has A LOT to do with that...

 

I remember having the "Why do we have to put a label on it" discussion back in the late 90's. I mean back then I thought women wanted a relationship status. I mean back then everyone lied through their teeth about how to treat women and be in a relationship.

[basil67]

My maiden name was Smith and I lived in a capital city. I remember being impressed with a guy's determination because he'd looked through 20 pages of Smiths in the phone book to find my number.

 

Generally speaking, we met people through activities and friends. I don't think anyone ever bothered making things work with a 6/10 as compatibility was just as important as it was then vs now. We still only dated people we clicked with.

 

We'd have big gaps of being single between partners. It wasn't uncommon to go a year without a date, but it was normal.

 

We didn't have to "plan" dates because we had landlines. You could still call someone and ask them out with little notice. It's not like we had to wait on snail mail

[basil67]

I spent much of my teenage years glued to a phone like this https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b6/New_Zealand_Rotary_Telephone.jpg/220px-New_Zealand_Rotary_Telephone.jpg

[smackie9]

Perhaps but i think the digital age has also made cheating a lot easier and more accessible than ever before. You don't ever have to leave your couch to meet someone online and tumble down the rabbit hole into debauchery irregardless if you're in a relationship already or not. And unlike real life back in the old days, having multiple online 'partners' is almost common place, taking multi-tasking to a whole new level

 

I also think people's definition of cheating has also changed quite a bit too, particularly among men.

 

There are pros and cons to everything I suppose.

 

 

I believe emotional affairs are more prominent now because of the way people communicate (IM, Vid chat, etc). In my dating days it really didn't exist.

[lana-banana]

I'm 31, so that puts me right at the sweet spot where we went into the grown-up dating world just as everything began to change. But my older sisters talk about it a lot, and I remember plenty of things from the old days (including phones with cords!).

 

People have correctly pointed out that things in the old days weren't necessarily better. Yes, people tended to get serious more quickly, but that was because they couldn't count on meeting a steady stream of people to date. Your options were limited to friends of friends and people you knew from social events. If you think people are too quick to settle now, think about what it was like back when you went on maybe three dates a year.

 

The internet has made some bad things easier, like ghosting people. It's also been an unimaginable blessing to people who are disabled, shy, or in search of someone with something specific. Phones also makes it easier to have one-on-one dates because you can theoretically always call for help. In the old days, it usually took a couple dates at least before you felt safe enough with someone to meet them alone. And logistics, y'know? To this day I marvel at how many great love stories never happened because someone's car/carriage/horse-drawn buggy broke down and the other person was left waiting, forever, and assumed they'd been stood up.

 

I do think phones and the internet in general have sapped our attention spans, made us more prone to depression, frustration, anxiety, and exhaustion. It definitely influences the way we date and choose to meet people. And today we have to contend with the added multiplier of social media and a permanent digital record of everything we do, say, or see. I don't have a solution to that. But we can't do anything more than try to make the best out of the environment we're in.

[CryForNoOne]

I believe emotional affairs are more prominent now because of the way people communicate (IM, Vid chat, etc). In my dating days it really didn't exist.

 

I think emotional affairs always existed. My "girlfriend" in high school was a girl I'd talk to on the phone for hours and hours for years but we actually dated for like a minute. We spent most of our time talking about all the other people we were interested in except each other. We didn't have catchy terms for it like "emotional affair" or "friendzone" but our friends did refer to us as "Harry and Sally". All my suspicions were confirmed many years later when she went psycho when I got engaged, ironically through social media...

[thefooloftheyear]

Girls would stuff love notes and cool heart drawings and stuff it through the vents in my locker....I wished I saved some...They were like 5/6 pages long.......

 

You would call some girl at home and her father would answer all surly...

 

All kinds of ways...

 

TFY

[CryForNoOne]

Girls would stuff love notes and cool heart drawings and stuff it through the vents in my locker....I wished I saved some...They were like 5/6 pages long.......

 

You would call some girl at home and her father would answer all surly...

 

All kinds of ways...

 

TFY

 

LOL. You just reminded me of my first college crush. I met her at orientation week but sadly she was visiting from another college 400 miles away. She got really drunk, we made out, then she puked all over my bed. Everything was great until that last part. She was so embarrassed she disappeared the rest of the week. But I had such a big crush on her, so I asked our mutual friend what her last name was, and I found her parent's address in the white pages. She had told me her home town and that she still lived at home so I sent this long winded love letter on a wing and a prayer hoping I got the right address. Two weeks later I got nice reply with lots of heart drawings etc... On my birthday she sent me a coffee mug that she hand painted and continued to write each other for a while. We met up a couple times but eventually it fizzled because of the distance. Oh man, I'd love to reread those letters we sent each other...

 

P.S. So stalking still did exist. It was just a bit more challenging...

[jjgitties]

I also think people's definition of cheating has also changed quite a bit too, particularly among men.

 

I am curious what do you mean by that? How do you think that the digital age is re-defining what cheating means for men vs women. I would think it would be similar.

[jjgitties]

From my memory, dating involved physically going out to clubs and bar and meeting women and hoping you found one that you found interesting and attractive and she found you interesting and attractive back. The phone was mostly used to call to arrange for a time and place to met.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Never frequented bars and rarely clubs. If I found someone interesting, I would walk up and ask. Met my first wife back then. Bless her soul. She was a beautiful, classy and soft-hearted woman.

 

OLD dating, for me, simply gives me more opportunities. I am known to go up to someone and ask to this day.

[alphamale]

Met my first wife back then. Bless her soul. She was a beautiful, classy and soft-hearted woman.

so what happened to your old lady?

[Space Ritual]

What was dating like, before the advent of online dating websites, and apps like tinder, ashley madison, hot or not, etc.

 

 

Speaking as 53 year old Coot...

Eh...Dating was only different in that there was not the constant external vehicles available for instant gratification that exits today.

 

Bars were the same pretty much. People would get drunk and high and take each other home from bars and bang. Same as they do now.

 

the real main difference is what i said before about the external vehicles. Back then if someone did not tickle your fancy you just left and went to another bar or club.

 

In this age, the need for instant ratification allow for someone who has even the slightest pang of boredom on a date to pick up their phone, Stare at it intently, and in less than a minute receive all the validation they can stand. Especially if you have posted a picture of yours looking your best. There is always someone out there that will comment in order to present themselves for inspection by a prospect.

 

The end result is that dating has become more impersonal than it was before. And you were right about the time investment. Nowdays people do not feel as much of a need to invest heavily in relationships because there is always someone at the end of a computer screen to tell them whatever they feel they need to hear. So dating today seems to me to be more sport and spectacle than a search for someone to grow old with