Jump to content

Pulling away after sex


mummyjonno

Recommended Posts

I’m feeling rather frustrated, so as always I return here

 

Ive been dating some guy I met online, 5th date was on Friday and we had sex for the first time. Things were fine the following morning, no awkwardness so I assumed all was good.

 

However since then he’s just been really distant, i queried it and he said he was busy getting his suits washed for the week and was really tired. He said we were all good and nothing had changed.

 

However my gut is telling me otherwise...

 

Message replies are slower, there isn’t any conversation (we speak frequently) he hasn’t text me at all today which is rare (he texts every morning when he wakes up)

 

I just feel really quite dumb now

Link to post
Share on other sites

The thrill of the chase? He really likes you and he needs to take a moment to gather his bearings? He really is tired and busy? He decided you're not compatible in bed? Now that you seem to be "his," he doesn't have to work as hard with constant communication?

 

I don't know, OP. It's always a risk, and there are no answers here. Everything is great and then you sleep with them and it's over. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

My only thought is to hang in there. You will hopefully have the opportunity to have a discussion if he seems to be pulling back, but don't go after him with guns a' blazing. Don't go after him when he's swamped or frazzled. Seek a good time to bring up the subject, hopefully when you see him next, or just see how his behavior is over the next few days and when you see him again...I am assuming he will want to see you again. And pay attention to your gut, but fingers crossed your gut is wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are a woman, is this really new to you?

 

It will happen a lot more times, trust me, and not because of you, its because we, men, are like this.

 

You did good by not having sex until the 5th date, by making them wait maybe you filter a few that just want sex and disappear, its just that the guy had patience. You already gave him what he wanted and now he will chase another.

 

Im telling you this as a man, the worst place to find a man you can trust is at online dating sites.

 

I hope that you didnt develop feelings for him.

Edited by warp123
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

No feeling per say, we were just growing real close and I think had a pretty good bond going on... I don’t love the guy but it would still be terrible. I’ve been single a number of years (as he knows) and had no sex in that time. Sooo to give it was a huge deal for me personally.

 

Think I’m just going to have to ride it out, and see what if anything happens.

Link to post
Share on other sites
No feeling per say, we were just growing real close and I think had a pretty good bond going on... I don’t love the guy but it would still be terrible. I’ve been single a number of years (as he knows) and had no sex in that time. Sooo to give it was a huge deal for me personally.

 

Think I’m just going to have to ride it out, and see what if anything happens.

 

Well, you wrote that you don't love him, but sex was a big deal for you. Is it possible that this situation became obvious to him? Did he say what he was looking for?

Link to post
Share on other sites
i queried it and he said he was busy getting his suits washed for the week and was really tired

 

What an incredibly obtuse excuse. He couldn't even be bothered to assure you that he is legitimately pre-occupied. That in itself tells me he couldn't give two hoots. In any case, there is no such thing as busy. It doesn't take but 4 seconds to send a text.

 

I just feel really quite dumb now

 

I can only speculate as to reasons why he is pulling away. Maybe he was just after sex. Maybe he's reconsidering as to whether you both are a fit. Maybe he's emotionally unavailable and the closeness has caused him to retreat.

 

I would suggest you step back and observe. Let him come to you. If his behavior persists, then you communicate your concerns again and move on if need be.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
You are a woman, is this really new to you?

 

It will happen a lot more times, trust me, and not because of you, its because we, men, are like this.

 

You did good by not having sex until the 5th date, by making them wait maybe you filter a few that just want sex and disappear, its just that the guy had patience. You already gave him what he wanted and now he will chase another.

 

Im telling you this as a man, the worst place to find a man you can trust is at online dating sites.

 

I hope that you didnt develop feelings for him.

 

What if the sex is exceptional? Will a guy still do the same?

Link to post
Share on other sites
What if the sex is exceptional? Will a guy still do the same?

 

Absolutely. I've known guys who would brag about how great sex was, but their mission was to simply do the deed and move on to the next conquest. If there wasn't an immediate 'next' conquest, they would stick around to continue getting that great sex until...the new target became available.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Absolutely. I've known guys who would brag about how great sex was, but their mission was to simply do the deed and move on to the next conquest. If there wasn't an immediate 'next' conquest, they would stick around to continue getting that great sex until...the new target became available.

 

hah, thats a classic, i've done and would do the same

Link to post
Share on other sites

My gut feeling is that he is now pulling away and distancing himself from you and that he'll either disappear or come up with an excuse why you shouldn't see each other anymore.

 

Hate to say it but I've done it myself. I'll be seeing someone, things are going great and the chemistry feels like it's there. Then we sleep together and suddenly it's all gone. Sometimes it just realizing after that sexually you're not really compatible...not meaning sex would be bad but just on different wave lengths. Sometimes it's just the thrill of the chase and once you do the deed the excitement just goes.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong and he is just busy but keep it in mind he might be doing a disappearing act soon.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My gut feeling is that he is now pulling away and distancing himself from you and that he'll either disappear or come up with an excuse why you shouldn't see each other anymore.

 

Hate to say it but I've done it myself. I'll be seeing someone, things are going great and the chemistry feels like it's there. Then we sleep together and suddenly it's all gone. Sometimes it just realizing after that sexually you're not really compatible...not meaning sex would be bad but just on different wave lengths. Sometimes it's just the thrill of the chase and once you do the deed the excitement just goes.

 

Hopefully I'm wrong and he is just busy but keep it in mind he might be doing a disappearing act soon.

 

Yup. I've been guilty of doing this. It can be such a confusing time and a little disheartening especially when you are trying to find a LTR.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I’m feeling rather frustrated, so as always I return here

 

Ive been dating some guy I met online, 5th date was on Friday and we had sex for the first time. Things were fine the following morning, no awkwardness so I assumed all was good.

 

However since then he’s just been really distant, i queried it and he said he was busy getting his suits washed for the week and was really tired. He said we were all good and nothing had changed.

 

However my gut is telling me otherwise...

 

Message replies are slower, there isn’t any conversation (we speak frequently) he hasn’t text me at all today which is rare (he texts every morning when he wakes up)

 

I just feel really quite dumb now

 

I always tell women that the first time they have sex with a new dating partner, especially early and even if they've been seeing them for a while, they should assume it will be a one-night stand until he shows her otherwise.

 

Don't feel dumb. You did what you did, hopefully enjoyed it and it was a mutual thing.

 

i queried it and he said he was busy getting his suits washed -- You are not a priority, at least not above his suits. Take this as your queue to move on. If he contacts you again, my recommendation would be to either tell him you're moving on or ignore him.

 

Did you ever have a conversation in those 5 dates as to what each of your overall dating goals were?

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle

In the words of Patti Stanger (Millionaire Matchmaker) "No sex before monogamy!"

 

Listen, I give you props for holding out until the 5th date to have sex. Better than some.

 

But I'm curious to understand a bit more before I weigh in with an opinion...

 

 

You waited until date 5 to be intimate, why?

 

What was so special about date #5 versus #2 or date #15 that made you want to sleep with him?

 

After you had sex, what were you hoping would happen? What did you expect from him, exclusivity? A label? A conversation?

 

Did you have any talks about what you were doing, what you wanted regarding relationships, etc.?

 

Is this someone you can see yourself having a relationship with or was it just sex?

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
I always tell women that the first time they have sex with a new dating partner, especially early and even if they've been seeing them for a while, they should assume it will be a one-night stand until he shows her otherwise.

 

This. In addition, afterwards it's always best to take a step back, play it cool and always wait for them to come to you. He *knows* he's being distant and why and calling him up on his behaviour can only serve to push him away even further.

 

I would pull WAY back yourself now..........

Link to post
Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine

One of my male friends (a nerdy one that surprisingly had a lot of success hooking up with random women on Tinder), told me that men have this almost biological urge to pursue a woman until they have sex. It's not even something that they are consciously doing, they feel like they want to keep seeing her. Once they have sex for the first time, they see the cold, harsh reality and assess if they want a relationship with her. More often than not, it's a no.

 

I generally prefer to get sex out of the away fairly early - to me even 5-10 dates is early, before 5 with a complete stranger is just...:sick:. That way at least I know where I stand before I lost too much time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

We could speculate a million different reasons why he may be distant. But it's only speculation. It could be anything. He may have got turned off by something. The oral wasn't great. He doesn't like the temperature of your apartment. He's afraid to get too close. He's a mental case. The sex reminded him of his ex. Who knows. I could list a million reasons ad infinitum. Also, as a guy, sometimes my feelings about a girl ebb and flow in the beginning. Date one I could be super into her. Date 2 not so much. Date 3 I discover something new about her that makes me excited. Date 4 we have sex and it's unsatisfying (or really satisfying) and I want to see her less/more. Etc etc. etc.

 

You are in the "dating" period with this guy. You two are feeling each other out. Things will ebb and flow. The question is will it grow and last? Don't analyze it. Have a few more dates, if he wants to. Take it one date at a time and see where things go. Maybe it will fizzle out quick. Maybe it will get better, you will get closer, and it will grow. If you keep seeing him and get more comfortable you both need to communicate about what you like sexually, non-sexually. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. Take it one step at a time. That is all we can do unfortunately.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's easy to have sex with someone based on mild attraction, but attraction isn't a good indicator of compatibility. He could find you attractive, but doesn't feel enough chemistry to want to pursue a relationship, he's just horny, he's casually seeing multiple women, he's emotionally unavailable..there could be plenty of reasons.

 

Early on sex is fine, as long as you're comfortable with the insecurity of not knowing where the situation may lead. If you view sex as a significant investment of your feelings, and it sounds like you're feeling pretty upset about this guy's behavior, I'd suggest sticking to making out and foreplay until you're both clearly on the same page about progressing to a serious relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I’ve been single a number of years (as he knows) and had no sex in that time. Sooo to give it was a huge deal for me personally.

 

You'd be surprised how dating has changed in a few number of years. It's no more how it used to be when having a few dates meant we were 'together'. Nowadays you've got to watch your back otherwise you'll be played just like now. It's good that you don't get emotionally involved early. Dating is easier for those with a tough skin ready to accept they'll have several fails before finding their romeo.

 

My advice, do not beleive one word coming out of a man's mouth before you've had a talk about exclusivity. He can tell you you're special all he wants, that you're one of a kind, that he feels strongly attracted but only take it with a smile and a grain of salt, don't take any of it to the bank. If you have sex before exclusivity see it only for sex. The day he or you bring up exclusivity and you have an agreement THEN you can start thinking maybe this guy is a keeper.

 

Second advice: Never ask a man why he is distant so EARLY in a relationship or after sex!! Of course he won't tell you the truth, so it's useless to ask! His excuse of having to clean his suits is not the truth you know that right? He was not gonna share what was on his mind. He may be working on some fear of intimicy or he simply lost interest. What ever it is, it's not even important. The reasons why a new man is pulling away are never important. All you do is let him pull away. If it's a temporaty pull-away he'll come back, if he lost interest then make it easy for him to exist your life.

 

Good luck

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
fireflyingaway

I just had a similar experience. I met a guy and we sort of clicked. I liked him and was attracted to him. We hung out a few times and then we had sex. Everything seemed fine. He told me had a great time with me and then over the next few days later I heard from him less and less...

 

So finally I straight up asked him if he had lost interest. When we first starting talking I heard from him quite a bit and then boom, hardly anything.

 

He flat out told me that I was right about him losing interest. He told me it was nothing that I did. That was I was "nice" but not the "one for him". It was just "how he felt"

 

Okay then. I'm not heart broken or anything, I guess thats just how it goes sometimes, but I knew he was pulling away, so I just asked. Yes, it stung a bit, but I didn't really develop many feelings for him. So, I'm moving on. He didn't want to dedicate anymore time to me and thats totally fine. I won't waste any time on him. No use dwelling on it. :)

Edited by fireflyingaway
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's inherent in men to want to run away after that first sexual encounter. Seriously, I do not know what that feeling is but I think I've had it nearly every time though not as bad as I've gotten older. It does not seem to last, however, as subsequent encounters don't produce the same results.

 

I will add that not all sex is necessarily good sex. There can be disappointment on either side, and sometimes a guy just isn't into her after a roll in the hay and decides to move on, but doesn't know what to say without hurting her feelings, so he goes radio silent.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hey everyone, sorry busy day forgot to reply. He’s still being majorly off, which I think is pretty dumb. I’m quite ballsy and would appreciate honesty it’s much easier to say “thanks but no more” than to play along.

 

What was I hoping would happen? Well not exclusivity but at least to continue on the current lines. Still dating - interesting as before we slept together he invited me on a date for this weekend...

 

I’m not paying him any mind now, I knew I was correct I just needed clarification.

 

Dating seems to be a minefield these days, I’ll have to toughen up

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey everyone, sorry busy day forgot to reply. He’s still being majorly off, which I think is pretty dumb. I’m quite ballsy and would appreciate honesty it’s much easier to say “thanks but no more” than to play along.

 

What was I hoping would happen? Well not exclusivity but at least to continue on the current lines. Still dating - interesting as before we slept together he invited me on a date for this weekend...

 

I’m not paying him any mind now, I knew I was correct I just needed clarification.

 

Dating seems to be a minefield these days, I’ll have to toughen up

 

What I'd suggest is to mirror his level of interest. If he's being off and distant, you do that too even if that means not messaging him. That way you're not wasting any time chasing him but you've not severed things totally. If he fades and disappears then you do too.

 

And in the meantime, find yourself some more options and bump him right down the priority list.

 

You're right dating is a minefield these days, even thinking back a few years it seemed easier but you do get better at it and you do get better at looking out for yourself so keep at it and a good one will come along eventually.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Hey everyone, sorry busy day forgot to reply. He’s still being majorly off, which I think is pretty dumb. I’m quite ballsy and would appreciate honesty it’s much easier to say thanks but no more” than to play along.

 

That is exactly what he is telling you with his behavior. It's the new language in modern dating. If you expect men to tell you straight they don't want to continue then you'll be highly dissapointed and you'll waste an enormous amount of time waiting on luckywarm men.

 

When I was dating I had no time to waste on these men. I didn't do this mirrorring and I didn't take a back seat. I was looking for an interesting and interested man and when they demonstrated in their behavior not being one I'd move to next asap.

 

It took me 3 years online to find my current boyfriend, can you imagine if I had wasted my time mirroring and waiting on luckywarm men?. I am 52 yo, I didn't have time to waste, I was goal oriented and only worked on men showing a proper amount of interest.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...