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I feel he is holding back cause of his past?


I'veseenbetterlol

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I'veseenbetterlol

My bf and I have been going out for a short period of time. I'm not a demanding person and in actuality I hate being a burden for someone. I know I've only heard his side of the story, but from what I gathered, he spoiled his ex rotten. She ended up walking all over him. I can understand his caution, but it bothers me that he doesn't want to spoil me for fear of me turning out like his ex.

 

An example is this: I take the bus to his place and back home. All together a almost 2 hr trip there and back. I love going out of my way for my bf, but I also feel like its not super fair for me to be taking the bus when going to his place ALL THE TIME. He mentioned how worried he was me taking the bus home at night, but never once insisted on giving a ride (btw the drive is shorter). I brought this up w/him and he said his ex got mad when he wouldn't give her rides all the time. I would never ask for rides anywhere else except in an emergency. I feel like he is holding back out of fear. Will he ever open up to me?

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This is RIDICULOUS. GIRL! There is NO REASON why he isn't giving you a ride other than the fact that he's feeding you BS excuses! If he can't pick you up and forces you to take the bus at night (are you kidding me?) I would have dropped him like a hot potato!

 

 

Bottom line: You should NOT be picking up the emotional "tab" for his ex girlfriend! Tell him to step up or step off!

 

 

 

 

The things men come up with these days...I swear...

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I'veseenbetterlol
This is RIDICULOUS. GIRL! There is NO REASON why he isn't giving you a ride other than the fact that he's feeding you BS excuses! If he can't pick you up and forces you to take the bus at night (are you kidding me?) I would have dropped him like a hot potato!

 

 

Bottom line: You should NOT be picking up the emotional "tab" for his ex girlfriend! Tell him to step up or step off!

 

 

 

 

The things men come up with these days...I swear...

 

I'm going to see how the ride situation goes from now on. I love spoiling my partners, but I was taken for granted in the past. Things were way too convenient for them and they weren't happy when they saw they had to do a little work for our relationship. Last week, I did express my desire to be romanced and even questioned if he loved his ex more. He goes on and on about how much he loves me, but due to being hurt in the past, I have an extremely hard time believing that. I'm not materialistic and I would be so happy if he surprised me w/a chocolate bar once in awhile.

Edited by I'veseenbetterlol
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You have expectations that he dont meet because he is either lazy or dont care for you. That ex stuff is bs excuse. Time to move on.

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I would never accept it. I would tell him that he needs to work on himself and his past, and that you can´t be in a relationship with someone who thinks it´s ok for his girlfriend travel back and forth on a bus for two hours, because he´s afraid he´s being taken advantage of. That is no way for a gentleman to treat a lady. Why are you the one going over to his place all the time anyway? He needs to snap out of it, and you really should stand up for yourself. He´s not in a relationship with his ex. He´s in a relationship with you, but you need to set some ground rules if he is going to be with you!

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Scarlett.O'hara
I'm going to see how the ride situation goes from now on. I love spoiling my partners' date=' but I was taken for granted in the past.[/quote']

 

I'm sorry to say it, but it does sound like he is taking advantage of your kind nature, and I doubt things are going to change. Why would they? He has found a girlfriend who accept his lame ex excuses to justify making little to no effort. It must be so much simpler than his past relationship where she expected him to make more of an effort.

 

Have you heard the saying, "You teach people how to treat you"? There is a lot of truth to that. The longer you keep giving and he keeps taking, the more complacent he will become, which will no doubt leave you feeling resentful.

 

Spoiling your partner can be a wonderful thing when it is reciprocated, but if it is all one sided, then you start to have problems. By your own admission, you have a history of being taken for granted, so perhaps it is time to take a step back a bit and try a different approach.

 

I don't think you would be unreasonable to put your foot down and tell your boyfriend that if he wants to see you he has to start meeting you half way. Either come to you half the time or give you a lift home.

 

Most importantly, don't be a martyr, and speak up you feel taken advantage of. It may fell uncomfortable at first, but in time it will help you feel more assertive and confident setting boundaries.

 

You deserve a relationship where you are appreciated as much as you appreciate them.

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I'm kind of chewing on this because for me, it's important that my date/BF can transport himself. We don't have public transportation where I live, and when you get further into the city, the public transportation isn't the best. When I meet a man with no car, it's an automatic no. I don't want to be responsible for all the transportation. I'd like for him to have the ability to come to my place, though realistically, if he lives alone (I have people at my place), we'll be going to his place...but I have the car. I ultimately do a bulk of the travel depending on where he lives (I try to stay local) because I have teens at home and they live alone (maybe kids every other weekend). I'd like him to be able to meet me and get home without me having to drive him. This is one of my deal-breakers.

 

BUT, he has the car, why isn't he going to your place? Why are you traveling to him? Why can't he at least drive you home, after you make the commute to get there? Maybe set you up on the sofa and drive you home in the morning, if you've been drinking...and of course there's the shared bed <wink> or buy you an Uber, but I think the guy can drive you home at the very least. He's lamenting how worried he is about you transporting yourself home alone in the middle of the night while pushing you out the door with a pat on the head. If he cared that much, he'd be driving you home or meeting at your place. He's tossing out excuses.

 

If he's that damaged by his past girlfriend, he has issues he needs to work on. It is not your responsibility or lot in life to live down what someone else did to him. He's withholding from you because she was awful, and you don't even know her side of the story. I suspect he was selfish, just like he is with you, but maybe she did screw him over. It's not your cross to bear.

 

Why isn't he meeting you at your place? At least half the time?

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I'veseenbetterlol
I'm sorry to say it, but it does sound like he is taking advantage of your kind nature, and I doubt things are going to change. Why would they? He has found a girlfriend who accept his lame ex excuses to justify making little to no effort. It must be so much simpler than his past relationship where she expected him to make more of an effort.

 

Have you heard the saying, "You teach people how to treat you"? There is a lot of truth to that. The longer you keep giving and he keeps taking, the more complacent he will become, which will no doubt leave you feeling resentful.

 

Spoiling your partner can be a wonderful thing when it is reciprocated, but if it is all one sided, then you start to have problems. By your own admission, you have a history of being taken for granted, so perhaps it is time to take a step back a bit and try a different approach.

 

I don't think you would be unreasonable to put your foot down and tell your boyfriend that if he wants to see you he has to start meeting you half way. Either come to you half the time or give you a lift home.

 

Most importantly, don't be a martyr, and speak up you feel taken advantage of. It may fell uncomfortable at first, but in time it will help you feel more assertive and confident setting boundaries.

 

You deserve a relationship where you are appreciated as much as you appreciate them.

 

Over the last couple of weeks, I have started asking for more from him. I told him I felt under appreciated and that I def wanted more from his side. His texting was lacking and I understand he had long hours, but it was getting a bit ridiculous, where there would 7/10 hours between texts or no text from him until later in the day.

 

I talked to him about it and when it didn't improve, I mirrored his behavior and he noticed, he def didn't like me taking forever to text. He is so "afraid" of losing me to another guy, I never try to make him jealous, but he doesn't show it. I actually told him, I see what other guys do for their girl and I wish that he could do at least something little for me.

 

Actually when I started dating him, he still had his ex's stuff. After him dragging his feet to get rid of it, I set an ultimatum, lets just say he got rid of her stuff. I don't put ultimatums lightly and I certainly won't give another one, just if I keep feeling unappreciated and undervalued, I'm just gonna leave. I'm not gonna have another relationship of convenience for the guy, those really suck.

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I'veseenbetterlol
I'm kind of chewing on this because for me, it's important that my date/BF can transport himself. We don't have public transportation where I live, and when you get further into the city, the public transportation isn't the best. When I meet a man with no car, it's an automatic no. I don't want to be responsible for all the transportation. I'd like for him to have the ability to come to my place, though realistically, if he lives alone (I have people at my place), we'll be going to his place...but I have the car. I ultimately do a bulk of the travel depending on where he lives (I try to stay local) because I have teens at home and they live alone (maybe kids every other weekend). I'd like him to be able to meet me and get home without me having to drive him. This is one of my deal-breakers.

 

BUT, he has the car, why isn't he going to your place? Why are you traveling to him? Why can't he at least drive you home, after you make the commute to get there? Maybe set you up on the sofa and drive you home in the morning, if you've been drinking...and of course there's the shared bed <wink> or buy you an Uber, but I think the guy can drive you home at the very least. He's lamenting how worried he is about you transporting yourself home alone in the middle of the night while pushing you out the door with a pat on the head. If he cared that much, he'd be driving you home or meeting at your place. He's tossing out excuses.

 

If he's that damaged by his past girlfriend, he has issues he needs to work on. It is not your responsibility or lot in life to live down what someone else did to him. He's withholding from you because she was awful, and you don't even know her side of the story. I suspect he was selfish, just like he is with you, but maybe she did screw him over. It's not your cross to bear.

 

Why isn't he meeting you at your place? At least half the time?

 

I live w/my parents, so I prefer alone time w/him, kinda awkward w/my parents there. Still though if he wants me to come to his place, I would like him to drive me home every once in awhile. Just because he does nice things for me doesn't mean I'll turn into a spoiled brat over night. He does drive me when we go places, but that's every other weekend or so.

 

I don't want a repeat of my past. I dated a guy long distance and he enjoyed the relationship up until the point where he needed to fly out and see me.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I live w/my parents' date=' so I prefer alone time w/him, kinda awkward w/my parents there.[/b'] Still though if he wants me to come to his place, I would like him to drive me home every once in awhile. Just because he does nice things for me doesn't mean I'll turn into a spoiled brat over night. He does drive me when we go places, but that's every other weekend or so.

 

I don't want a repeat of my past. I dated a guy long distance and he enjoyed the relationship up until the point where he needed to fly out and see me.

 

Well, this changes things.

 

Do you detest riding the bus? Or is it more the principle? Maybe you two can compromise and he can take you home every other time. Has he ever met your parents?

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I'veseenbetterlol
Well, this changes things.

 

Do you detest riding the bus? Or is it more the principle? Maybe you two can compromise and he can take you home every other time. Has he ever met your parents?

 

I don't detest riding the bus, been doing it for a very long time, just the principle. In past times I noticed, if the guy doesn't go out of his way, everything becomes a chore for him when it comes to me. I def want to compromise as I don't want to be the one always making the effort because I don't to be the chaser all the time. He has met my parents and I don't mind spending time all together, just feels good to have our own time.

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Scarlett.O'hara
Over the last couple of weeks, I have started asking for more from him. I told him I felt under appreciated and that I def wanted more from his side. His texting was lacking and I understand he had long hours, but it was getting a bit ridiculous, where there would 7/10 hours between texts or no text from him until later in the day.

 

I talked to him about it and when it didn't improve, I mirrored his behavior and he noticed, he def didn't like me taking forever to text. He is so "afraid" of losing me to another guy, I never try to make him jealous, but he doesn't show it. I actually told him, I see what other guys do for their girl and I wish that he could do at least something little for me.

 

If he makes no effort to meet you half way and you continue to accept it, then he will just treat you like a doormat.

 

His behavior doesn't sound like he is afraid of losing you to another guy. It just sounds like he is used to playing the victim with you because he knows you will fall for it.

 

If he truly valued what you two have, he would show you through his actions.

 

You deserve better than this.

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I'veseenbetterlol
If he makes no effort to meet you half way and you continue to accept it, then he will just treat you like a doormat.

 

His behavior doesn't sound like he is afraid of losing you to another guy. It just sounds like he is used to playing the victim with you because he knows you will fall for it.

 

If he truly valued what you two have, he would show you through his actions.

 

You deserve better than this.

 

I actually will stop doing things, I def don't let him play victim and when he brings up what his ex did to him, I say well you put up w/it for so long, not gonna feel sorry for him. I had an ex I loved but I left after a short while because he treated me poorly. I'm not picking up after his ex nor will I let him get away w/taking me for granted.

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Scarlett.O'hara
I actually will stop doing things' date=' I def don't let him play victim and when he brings up what his ex did to him, I say well you put up w/it for so long, not gonna feel sorry for him. I had an ex I loved but I left after a short while because he treated me poorly. I'm not picking up after his ex nor will I let him get away w/taking me for granted.[/quote']

 

Maybe one day he will wake up and realize how lucky he was to have you in his life. But my guess is by then it will be too late, and you will already have moved on and meet someone better.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Maybe one day he will wake up and realize how lucky he was to have you in his life. But my guess is by then it will be too late' date=' and you will already have moved on and meet someone better.[/quote']

 

Could happen that way, I tried very hard to talk to my ex about the way he treated me. Things always turned out the same, one day I just left, I could no longer take it. Idk if he regretted it, but I never looked back. Plus after bad experiences w/guys after my 1st relationship, I put up w/a lot less and I'm more willing to walk away because I don't find fighting for something half ass is not worth my time, emotion or effort. I didn't use this as a threat, but I told him I felt like I was settling due to the fact that I feel unappreciated and a bit taken for granted. I'm loyal and I don't cheat, but I'm not gonna stick around w/someone who doesn't make an effort, but doesn't want to let me go.

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How do you know he spoiled his ex rotten? Is it something he told you? Have you considered that he didn't actually spoil her?

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How do you know he spoiled his ex rotten? Is it something he told you? Have you considered that he didn't actually spoil her?

 

Yeah, I considered this as well. But, either way, he is using excuses to justify giving you the 'left-overs.'

 

It really doesn't matter if he's been hurt in the past, in this scenario, he has admitted to putting out a half-hearted effort to nurture this relationship and respect you.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
How do you know he spoiled his ex rotten? Is it something he told you? Have you considered that he didn't actually spoil her?

 

Kinda like a cheating spouse always says their spouse is horrible in ways X, Y, and Z.

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Cookiesandough

It's unbelievable you are dating this guy who is making you take a bus 2 hours to see him all the time when he's the one with a car.

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I'veseenbetterlol
How do you know he spoiled his ex rotten? Is it something he told you? Have you considered that he didn't actually spoil her?

 

From what his friend says, I don't think he is lying to me. When we go out together, I do pick up the tab once in awhile, his friend said that my bf is used to paying for everything. I don't think his friend would just say that to make my bf look good.

 

Plus even if he was lying, why tell me? I could have been smart, not said anything and start demanding a lot more from him and manipulate him into giving me things.

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I'veseenbetterlol
Yeah, I considered this as well. But, either way, he is using excuses to justify giving you the 'left-overs.'

 

It really doesn't matter if he's been hurt in the past, in this scenario, he has admitted to putting out a half-hearted effort to nurture this relationship and respect you.

 

When he said what his ex did, I really had no sympathy and I told him that all that is on him, after all he stayed w/her for a super long time. I'm def not excepting left overs and if I continue to see that behavior, I'm walking away.

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How long is the ride by car?

 

I think this + your other thread where you speak of him not contacting you between weekends are telling a lot on his level of commitment to this relationship.

 

Also, do not date men that brings up their exs, they aren't over what ever sh%t was happening and they're incapable of living in the moment, always refering to the past.

 

When he said he spoiled his ex rotten you'd be surprised what he meant by that. He have pick her up once a week and he thought he was most generous man alive.

 

I think you need to break up with this guy. He's cheap of his time, he let you ride 2 hours in a bus, he can't touch base with you between dates, you feel unimportant, I think all this is enough to break it.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

OP, I think one thing you have to keep in mind is that if you don't feel like you can sit down and have a face to face conversation about these issue with your boyfrien, and instead you turn to an internet forum to try to figure it out, it may not be the relationship for you.

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Cookiesandough

This guy is barely lifting a finger to text and getting free chick delivery on the weekend.

 

Are you taking the city bus? Those are sketchy af where I am at even in the day...I can only guess how safe it would be at night for a woman

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