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This guy I met is too eager ?


Fruitee

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I dont know anymore what is normal and whats not. My bf of 1 year left me little bit over 1 month ago. Not long after the break up I met this one guy at work.

 

He asked me out and I was bored and interested to see what he wanted to tell me so I went. We had good time. We talk or chat daily and have been dating now couple of weeks without anyone knowing.

 

But now he is like way too into me and doing all kinds of favours for me. It is almost like after couple of dates he is in love with me and pushing me to like him. It is making me back off. And Im starting to lose my interest.

 

I have told him to cool it off and it helped little.

 

But are guys in general this eager? Like if I say I wish I had chocolate he straight away gets up and goes to buy some for me.

 

He does a lot of things for me which I dont even ask for. And pays for everything.

 

He is true gentleman and I like him. He is stable and handsome. But how can I get him "off my back" without hurting our blossoming relationship.

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Some people are just like this & it can be annoying / smothering.

 

You can try telling him that you like him but his obsequiousness is off-putting but he might not be able to change. These doormat guys just don't always get why women walk all over them. They have to learn balance. Too much is almost as bad as not enough

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Why are you saying that? Back off sounds like he's crowding you. I guess you were too independent and never had a guy like this before. Your lucky to have this guy most are lazy and won't even get out to get you anything. So your not use too guy like this. Then your prior wasn't like this. This guy is so keen on you he's will do to anything to please you and make you feel special. Why reject this. This is who he is, can't change him. I sure he was raised this way. Never knock a horse down. Expect his gestures of good well and happiness. If you don't like it you could be mean and say quit it already I don't like this. That would rude and he might not take it the way you thing, either hurt him or he might end what you have. Just have to let things play out.

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Some people are just like this & it can be annoying / smothering.

 

You can try telling him that you like him but his obsequiousness is off-putting but he might not be able to change. These doormat guys just don't always get why women walk all over them. They have to learn balance. Too much is almost as bad as not enough

 

Why say like that he's not a doormat guy! So he was raised correctly.

 

Brawny Guy - most of then won't even do this.

Average Guy - might go out of his way to lend you helping hand.

Lazy Guy - get me a beer, where's my dinner, why isn't ready yet?

Please Guy - my queen I will do anything for you, just for your love, kiss

Ghost Guy - I am just too busy and don't really want to be with you see ya..

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Why are you saying that? Back off sounds like he's crowding you. I guess you were too independent and never had a guy like this before. Your lucky to have this guy most are lazy and won't even get out to get you anything. So your not use too guy like this. Then your prior wasn't like this. This guy is so keen on you he's will do to anything to please you and make you feel special. Why reject this. This is who he is, can't change him. I sure he was raised this way. Never knock a horse down. Expect his gestures of good well and happiness. If you don't like it you could be mean and say quit it already I don't like this. That would rude and he might not take it the way you thing, either hurt him or he might end what you have. Just have to let things play out.

 

 

 

Nope. I'm with her on this. Too much too fast pushes me away too. You've got to leave enough rom for feelings to mature in. One gesture, that shows you've paid attention to what she likes is enough.

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No not all guys are this eager, it's that he has a stronger attraction to you, than you in him. You both are not on the same page, and this can be difficult to balance out. You just got out of a relationship so you are not exactly ready to be swept off your feet. TBH you should just stop seeing him before it gets way out of hand. You won't be able to catch up with the feelings. And well it's not exactly fair to him, giving him hope that it is going to be happening sometime soon.

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Nope. I'm with her on this. Too much too fast pushes me away too. You've got to leave enough rom for feelings to mature in. One gesture, that shows you've paid attention to what she likes is enough.

 

There is two things going on here..

 

If he's pushing her then I agree with her. If he just making her happy buying her things getting things for your that's nice gesture on his part.

 

Smothering - Sneaking from the back and coming with a kiss on your neck holding you and saying he loves you already. How soon did he said this to her? The same day. You can scare off a woman like that or even guy can have that effect from a woman. Works both way.

 

To me I am okay with a lot affection. I give that too. But love takes time, like the song said. No rush when the words come out normally. Not rush, not pushed then he doing it wrong without think. He doesn't want to loose her already. This I don't care for.. Push too much she'll leave him.

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No not all guys are this eager, it's that he has a stronger attraction to you, than you in him. You both are not on the same page, and this can be difficult to balance out. You just got out of a relationship so you are not exactly ready to be swept off your feet. TBH you should just stop seeing him before it gets way out of hand. You won't be able to catch up with the feelings. And well it's not exactly fair to him, giving him hope that it is going to be happening sometime soon.

 

I agree with Smackie on this... She's doesn't like what he's doing and he's ready for the next level. She's use to man treating her badly or not like this. So either she needs to say not working out for me. I guess I like the little bad manners guys instead. Basically that's what she's saying. There is no hope for love with her and him. He's doing everything right and she doesn't like it. Again falling back to the men she's either dated or been with too long. Just some guys that treat bad and you just get use to the bad way of life. If you don't love this guy you need to tell him. He's so into you and your not use to that. Can't change him no should you do that.

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Why are you saying that? Back off sounds like he's crowding you. I guess you were too independent and never had a guy like this before. Your lucky to have this guy most are lazy and won't even get out to get you anything. So your not use too guy like this. Then your prior wasn't like this. This guy is so keen on you he's will do to anything to please you and make you feel special. Why reject this. This is who he is, can't change him. I sure he was raised this way. Never knock a horse down. Expect his gestures of good well and happiness. If you don't like it you could be mean and say quit it already I don't like this. That would rude and he might not take it the way you thing, either hurt him or he might end what you have. Just have to let things play out.

 

Why say like that he's not a doormat guy! So he was raised correctly.

 

Brawny Guy - most of then won't even do this.

Average Guy - might go out of his way to lend you helping hand.

Lazy Guy - get me a beer, where's my dinner, why isn't ready yet?

Please Guy - my queen I will do anything for you, just for your love, kiss

Ghost Guy - I am just too busy and don't really want to be with you see ya..

 

 

No. Being raised correctly involves being polite not smothering. I love an attentive guy who opens doors, listens & pays attention. That does not mean I want a servant. The OP says he does stuff for her when she doesn't ask. If she mentions something he pops up straight away & gets it. That is overwhelming & kind of creepy. He pays for everything which rings of trying to buy her affection. He has exceeded the bounds of nice guy to doormat.

 

There is a difference. This is not just the OP learning how to date a good guy after a string of users & bad guys.

 

This guy is trying too hard & has poorly developed self esteem & fuzzy social boundaries. He does need to back off. If he dialed it back even 20% the OP would probably feel special without being overwhelmed.

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No. Being raised correctly involves being polite not smothering. I love an attentive guy who opens doors, listens & pays attention. That does not mean I want a servant. The OP says he does stuff for her when she doesn't ask. If she mentions something he pops up straight away & gets it. That is overwhelming & kind of creepy. He pays for everything which rings of trying to buy her affection. He has exceeded the bounds of nice guy to doormat.

 

There is a difference. This is not just the OP learning how to date a good guy after a string of users & bad guys.

 

This guy is trying too hard & has poorly developed self esteem & fuzzy social boundaries. He does need to back off. If he dialed it back even 20% the OP would probably feel special without being overwhelmed.

 

So lets say this is what he's doing but what's the harm in doing all those good things. Would rather have it the other way. I am sure most would welcome this. That's why we all are different in many ways. Some would accept this others don't. So you opinion stands firm on this. I say nothing wrong with this. But if she doesn't like it then get of of the relationship because this is who he is..

 

Eager Beaver

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I agree with Smackie on this... She's doesn't like what he's doing and he's ready for the next level. She's use to man treating her badly or not like this. So either she needs to say not working out for me. I guess I like the little bad manners guys instead. Basically that's what she's saying. There is no hope for love with her and him. He's doing everything right and she doesn't like it. Again falling back to the men she's either dated or been with too long. Just some guys that treat bad and you just get use to the bad way of life. If you don't love this guy you need to tell him. He's so into you and your not use to that. Can't change him no should you do that.

 

Could you please stop putting words in my mouth or making assumptions of me. Thanks.

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I disagree with CH....to the right person, with the same attraction, his actions wouldn't be considered as smothering or over doing it. If both were smitten with each other, this would be a non issue. There is nothing deep or complicated about the OP, or some back story, geeeezzz.

Edited by smackie9
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Women aren't that different to men. We need to feel we are working for it a little bit.

 

Too pushy isn't attractive.

 

Okay value point, but say you like the attention but you don't like the smothering part.. More loving being there for you. I am thinking pizza he goes out and gets the extra pizza pie. I am thinking about getting beagle dog, he rushes out and gets her one. Again if that's the type of guy she has not bad but again your now easy with this. Pleaser Guy, Doormat Guy would be told what to do, This guy is just getting things out of the blue. To each his own then. I say can't take the heat then put on the cold.

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Nope. I'm with her on this. Too much too fast pushes me away too. You've got to leave enough rom for feelings to mature in. One gesture, that shows you've paid attention to what she likes is enough.

 

Yes. I want to fall in love, take my time, let it unfold naturally. Now it feels like too much too soon.

 

E.g. I told him I dont in general like gifts unless it is my bday or Christmas etc. And even then I wish to have something useful. But when he went travelling he bought me two things. Even I told him no. I said no and he said it doesnt matter, because he wishes to bring me something. I dont mind getting some candy you know but now I have stuff I didnt even need. It would have been ok buying me something for Christmas. But after first two dates he is buying me expensive stuff...

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Could you please stop putting words in my mouth or making assumptions of me. Thanks.

 

I not doing that but I am analyzing where you coming from. No harm in that. But you clearly don't want to be with this guy. I am just like him in many ways. I been with a woman just like you. So I know how it feels. To back off!! But you can't change me into what you want. Not fair. She and I departed our ways.. You sound just like her. I know it's hard but that's you he can't change you. But were're not doormats. That not a good trait to say here. You didn't tell him to go buy you things. He just gone out to please you. That's it on this for me..

Edited by coolheadal
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He's not listening & that is a part of the problem. I'm a gift giver & would tell you to be gracious if he showed up with a $5 trinket from his trip to show you he was thinking of you. For example, I went traveling early on in my relationship with my husband & brought him some local coffee beans because he loves strong coffee. He showed up to pick me up with a bag of Hershey's kisses, saying these are for all the actual kisses we missed while apart. Cute. Cheap. Thoughtful. It's not like I came back with a watch for him.

 

Again, this lavish gift giving feels more like trying to buy your affection.

 

Fruitee, I don't hear you saying you don't know how to deal with a good guy who is kind & attentive. You just think this guy is over the top. If there is any hope for this, you need to tell him that & encourage him to power down. If he can't you need to walk.

 

To some extent there is truth that if you were more into him these gestures might be viewed more favorably but I have experienced the over eager guy & while I would have been OK dating him but for his trying to hard, that obsequiousness was such a turn off. It comes across as too needy, less manly, too beta (although I hate that term) but it's just icky & makes me uncomfortable.

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No not all guys are this eager, it's that he has a stronger attraction to you, than you in him. You both are not on the same page, and this can be difficult to balance out. You just got out of a relationship so you are not exactly ready to be swept off your feet. TBH you should just stop seeing him before it gets way out of hand. You won't be able to catch up with the feelings. And well it's not exactly fair to him, giving him hope that it is going to be happening sometime soon.

 

Well what does he expect? I have known him for only short period of time. He had been checking me out hence asking me out. And he told me I am totally different person off work than what I am at work. So he didnt even know me. He still dont. Because it is too early to share full life story or too little time has gone by to get to know someone.

 

Also I dont think his feelings would keep on growing like a snowball but at some point he will stable it out. Since all new shiny things become normal things at some point and he understands he dont need to do so much all the time. Or at least thats what Im hoping for.

 

He has pretty much all the qualities I wish to have in a man. But now I feel like he dont trust me unless he keeps buying me and serving me.

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I've had several potential partners like this. They give and make assumptions about what I want. I was broke once, and the one I was seeing sent me money! NO!!!!! And then got insulted when I sent it back.

 

The flip side of this is that eventually they want something in return. Either love, sex or attention. And because THEY have given, they feel like you owe it to them.

 

Slow burn. Give it time. You can't force love.

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I not doing that but I am analyzing where you coming from. No harm in that. But you clearly don't want to be with this guy. I am just like him in many ways. I been with a woman just like you. So I know how it feels. To back off!! But you can't change me into what you want. Not fair. She and I departed our ways.. You sound just like her. I know it's hard but that's you he can't change you. But were're not doormats. That not a good trait to say here. You didn't tell him to go buy you things. He just gone out to please you. That's it on this for me..

 

Unfortunatelly it looks like youre projecting your own challenges with your past relationship on me. Which is not very useful for either one of us.

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He's not listening & that is a part of the problem. I'm a gift giver & would tell you to be gracious if he showed up with a $5 trinket from his trip to show you he was thinking of you. For example, I went traveling early on in my relationship with my husband & brought him some local coffee beans because he loves strong coffee. He showed up to pick me up with a bag of Hershey's kisses, saying these are for all the actual kisses we missed while apart. Cute. Cheap. Thoughtful. It's not like I came back with a watch for him.

 

Again, this lavish gift giving feels more like trying to buy your affection.

 

Fruitee, I don't hear you saying you don't know how to deal with a good guy who is kind & attentive. You just think this guy is over the top. If there is any hope for this, you need to tell him that & encourage him to power down. If he can't you need to walk.

 

To some extent there is truth that if you were more into him these gestures might be viewed more favorably but I have experienced the over eager guy & while I would have been OK dating him but for his trying to hard, that obsequiousness was such a turn off. It comes across as too needy, less manly, too beta (although I hate that term) but it's just icky & makes me uncomfortable.

 

Yes! Bag of candy would have been fine. I would have done the same, bought something small. Because he knows which ones I like. But he came back with over 100 dollars worth of gifts even I said no and it is too much and I dont need anything. So it is bit too much. It would have been different if he was my husband and travelling for week (s) due to work and then buying me some bigger souvenier.

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Fruitee -- something in here is telling you that something about this man is off. Listen to that voice. I'm not saying you have to dump him but if you can't figure out why this feels wrong & correct it, then this may not be a good LTR prospect for you.

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No. Being raised correctly involves being polite not smothering. I love an attentive guy who opens doors, listens & pays attention. That does not mean I want a servant. The OP says he does stuff for her when she doesn't ask. If she mentions something he pops up straight away & gets it. That is overwhelming & kind of creepy. He pays for everything which rings of trying to buy her affection. He has exceeded the bounds of nice guy to doormat.

 

There is a difference. This is not just the OP learning how to date a good guy after a string of users & bad guys.

 

This guy is trying too hard & has poorly developed self esteem & fuzzy social boundaries. He does need to back off. If he dialed it back even 20% the OP would probably feel special without being overwhelmed.

 

Yep. I want a man to treat me well and do all of that stuff. But I dont need a servant. I dont need someone to go out of their way. I just want normal type of guy who bring me medicine when I am sick and opens doors and listens to me anf pays for movie tickets.

 

I dont need someone to fetch me coffee from my favourite coffee shop in the middle of working day or something like that.

 

And saying stuff like I miss you is ok but it is weird if it has been two hours since he saw me at lunch. And already missing me.

 

Maybe I am too cynical..

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Unfortunatelly it looks like youre projecting your own challenges with your past relationship on me. Which is not very useful for either one of us.

 

My dear you have me at a disadvantage! This is not clearly the case with me and you. Just point out some interesting observation in what your expressing to us here.

 

1. You do not like smothering

2. You do not like pushy men

3. You do not like it when the guy has fallen in love with too fast

4. You want him to back-off because he just doing so many things for you

 

That's what you told us. I just use one of my past relationships as example. I didn't want to make things up. I tell it as it is. I very good in reading people. But again you don't like to hear what others have for opinions to help figure out your situations moves. We're all her to give advise some advise is helpful. But again if you have experience in this I did show some input mine said the same thing you told us here. I did back off but then she said what's wrong. I said I back off the smothering you don't like it. She said that because she never had it before. I never said I love her I said I liked her. Too soon to say those words. I am using my experience as reference. That's all your life is different he's different. Sounds like a great guy to have.

 

Listen it's your life and your decision in the end. I sense you were getting annoyed with the truth I was saying. Fair enough. Psychic observation and experience is what I am using here. I like to read people which I did for you. But you going to do it you way in the end. Good Luck to you my dear!

 

Shanti- means peace..

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Fruitee -- something in here is telling you that something about this man is off. Listen to that voice. I'm not saying you have to dump him but if you can't figure out why this feels wrong & correct it, then this may not be a good LTR prospect for you.

 

I feel like I have huge responsibility of him already even we just met and I dont know him that well.

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