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He duped me


Angel29

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I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.*

 

He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years but does get shy and socially awkward around women. He did say not long ago to me and some friends when he was asked about dating was that he has had enough of women who answer back, he hasn't married as he has not found the right woman. He also said if he has a relationship he has to give up the hiking groups. I thought that is ridiculous as the right person would not make you give up your hobbies which I even told him this.

 

There have been occasions where he has said he doesn't do communal bedrooms with the hikers and likes his own space. He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations - not ideal.

 

I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

 

Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks

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Yeah, I learned this lesson the hard way when I was a teenager. Truth be told, it took me a couple of times to learn it: When a guy likes a good snog with you, it doesn't always mean that he's interested romantically.

 

The red flag is that he didn't ask you out on a date relatively quickly.

 

If I were you, I'd continue with the group. Now that you've come back down to reality, your feelings for him will diminish very quickly. If he gets annoyed if you talk to other guys, that's his problem - not yours. Just be polite to him and nothing more.

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Cookiesandough

I'm sorry this happened. When someone tells you they aren't interested believe them and let go. If they can't see your worth they aren't worthy of you

Edited by Cookiesandough
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has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic.

 

That's the red flag right there. He did all that when you two were not even dating. Intimacy before dating tells me he is the not the serious committed type of guy. I wouldn't be surprise if he's more into one-night stands. And when you told him you like him, he realized you were looking for a real relationship while he probably was looking for something more casual so he back off.

 

A guy who wants a real relationship with you will ask you out on a proper date first and invest some time in courting you before they start the intimacy phase. Anyone who tries to get intimate with you before they even take you out to dinner, you should run for the hills.

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I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.*

 

He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years but does get shy and socially awkward around women. He did say not long ago to me and some friends when he was asked about dating was that he has had enough of women who answer back, he hasn't married as he has not found the right woman. He also said if he has a relationship he has to give up the hiking groups. I thought that is ridiculous as the right person would not make you give up your hobbies which I even told him this.

 

There have been occasions where he has said he doesn't do communal bedrooms with the hikers and likes his own space. He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations - not ideal.

 

I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

 

Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks

 

You have to listen to what he told you, we men and see women do suffer from not listening to our partners thinking and reasoning ideal thought process.. He told you can't be in any relationship now it would effect his hikers (BS he just wants to have fun with options of seeing other women) He's a player nothing else you got dupe "SORRY" we all including us men from woman get dupe at times too. That's I can't stress you really need to know who your dating if they're 100% into you and they're mindset is into having a serious long-term relationship with you. This guy the player wasn't into you that way..

Edited by coolheadal
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First of all, don't let this guy derail you from doing something you enjoy doing. If he has issues with you talking to other men, big deal. Even if you were a couple, this would not be a good situation. Flirting and touching other men would be bad, but simply talking to them is not something you want a man controlling you over. There has to be trust in a relationship, and simply talking to other men does not mean you're going to fall into bed with them. Keep doing what you're doing and be polite to him like you always are and these feelings you have will dissipate. It's not easy, but at some point you'll let it go and give up that there was any potential with this guy.

 

Red flags? Hard to say. I would say high affection and flirting without being asked on a date likely means he's not interested in long-term, but is probably open to something purely sexual, and that could have even turned out to be a one-nighter after he got what he wanted, leaving you more confused and hurt. He clearly stated he's not interested, yet gets uptight when you speak to other men - not a good quality. Behavior like this could become explosive in a relationship.

 

His attitude is problematic. He thinks he'll have to give up the walking group if he met someone. Why? If this is a single's only group, eventually, yes, he would have to drop the group if it got serious with this new love, but beyond that, I don't see why he would have to stop. His girlfriend/wife could join or leave him to pursue his hobby. You shouldn't be required to drop your hobbies because you meet a guy and vice versa. He would probably expect you to drop your activities, particularly if these activities involve men you will interact with...you don't need that.

 

He has enough women around he doesn't need a wife/girlfriend. Okay then, is he really what you want? At 40, no marriage. What about LTR? Anything? He has found what works for him. More fun and play and less investment and work that a relationship takes. Relationships can suck and can be hard. He can get the fun without the work, and he has a few, it sounds like, in his "little black book" he can work with when he's in the mood. Who knows how long before he's ready to settle down and commit, if ever.

 

His toddler-ish behavior he has exhibited isn't very attractive either.

 

This guy isn't worth it. You know this in your head. You see things that are problematic, but your heart is clouding your judgement. With time, you'll see. Hindsight 20/20. Do not stop doing what you enjoy and let him ruin it for you. You'll hate yourself more for allowing him to push you away from your hobby and your friends.

 

If he does a turnaround and decides he wants to date you, don't. The cuddles and affection feel good, but he doesn't seem like he has the ability to have a serious relationship, and you certainly don't want to be his "experiment." Let someone else "train" him. If he suddenly wants to go long-term, it's going to almost be like that transition (rebound) boyfriend/girlfriend we all try to avoid.

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todreaminblue

i have told this advice to my oldest daughter a few times dont be with a guy who doesnt make moves past friendship when you want a relationship .....be open and honest about what you want and feel and when they tell you "no i dont want a relationship"...believe them..wasting time on a guy who doesnt love you is a heartache that will never heal.....deb

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There were no red flags. I would have read his behavior as you did -- a sign of interest.

 

I'm more concerned that after this failed flirtation you need help rebuilding your life. Why did you let yourself get so invested in some guy from a hiking group that you weren't dating? You need to reign in your emotions. This was on silly guy who lead you on. You should be angry not devastated.

 

Go to the group events. Hike. Talk to other people. Avoid him but don't be obvious or impolite about it. Stop the hugs.

 

Find somebody else to date.

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Just treat him like anyone else in your group.....some one who walks with you in a group. You own him nothing but maybe a hello how are you and goodbye. You are not his friend.

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Cookiesandough
That's the red flag right there. He did all that when you two were not even dating. Intimacy before dating tells me he is the not the serious committed type of guy. I wouldn't be surprise if he's more into one-night stands. And when you told him you like him, he realized you were looking for a real relationship while he probably was looking for something more casual so he back off.

 

A guy who wants a real relationship with you will ask you out on a proper date first and invest some time in courting you before they start the intimacy phase. Anyone who tries to get intimate with you before they even take you out to dinner, you should run for the hills.

 

What?!?! That's crazy. I thought if a guy kisses my cheek before we are betrothed he's clearly not srs

Edited by Cookiesandough
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What?!?! That's crazy. I thought if a guy kisses my cheek before we are betrothed he's clearly not srs

 

:laugh: It wasn't just a simple kiss on a cheek. According to OP, they were cuddling and holding each other for extended amount of time and kissing on the cheek. They were just acquaintance from a hiking group and not even dating. It's like if you met someone at a bar and he grope you. You can draw some conclusion from the type of person he is and his intention. :)

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I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

 

You owe this guy nothing.

 

Yes, cut contact with him and move on. He's not the one. He gave you no reason to pin hopes on him once he told you he wasn't that one.

 

Let him get annoyed--you owe him nothing.

 

Just as you developed feelings, you can also starve those feelings. There is no reason why you should have to give up something you like to do because "stick in the mud" is there.

 

Nothing is going to transpire between you two, so act like that.

 

No more cuddling.

 

No more sitting close enough for him to cuddle with you or kiss your cheek. That mess is lame.

 

I"m not saying act a jerk with him, but when he comes over, just smile, say hi and then get up and go talk to someone else and let him sit there, by himself since that's who he wants to be with. He's not owed your company.

 

He doesn't want what you want and he's told you so. Let him live with the consequences of his decision--he was grown enough to make it, let him be grown enough to take the a$$ whippin' for it. He's in his 40's, not his early 20's for god's sake.

 

Seriously--stop investing in guys before they've told you they're on the same page, let alone in the same book as you.

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Michelle ma Belle

I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

 

Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks

 

I guess I'm a bit confused and concerned by this statement. It's been 5 months of something unofficial. How can cuddles and kisses on the cheek amount to now having to rebuild your whole life? Seems a bit dramatic.

 

Did you have sex at any point in the 5 months? Did you go out on dates where he paid? Did you meet any of his friends or he met yours?

 

He might have been guilty of leading you on and giving you mixed signals but I think you are just as guilty for investing too much and assuming a lot with someone who didn't bother making things official in all that time.

 

Why did it take you 5 months to announce you're in "like" with him?

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Michelle ma Belle
If you read a post history this has been an ongoing obsession

 

It's impossible to read through every OPs post history prior to responding to a new thread unless otherwise recommended.

 

Operative word is "obsession". I suppose that says a lot. My comment about the OP sharing the blame still stands.

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Cookiesandough

No I actually agree with you was just pointing out history to people because I remember answering OP months ago about this guy and it's been going on for yrs. I think OP needs help with this that is above our pay grade

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I am going to a birthday party at the weekend which this guy will be there. I know I have had a lucky escape but don't know how to behave around him. If I ignore him he knows it will have bothered me and if I acknowledge him he will think I still have the hots for him. He is the type to still stare at me even though he rejected me. I won't miss out on my friend's party just because of him.

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I am going to a birthday party at the weekend which this guy will be there. I know I have had a lucky escape but don't know how to behave around him. If I ignore him he knows it will have bothered me and if I acknowledge him he will think I still have the hots for him. He is the type to still stare at me even though he rejected me. I won't miss out on my friend's party just because of him.

 

Just act normal. Be civil. You don't have to ignore him. If he comes and talks to you, exchange pleasantries and excuse yourself.

 

Don't put so much thought into staring. I think this guy has an issue with control. In that sense, eventhough he doesn't want to be with you, he feels he must have a hold on you hence the jealousy. It sounds like that trait is evident in how he lives his life.

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I went to the party. He kept staring at me throughout the evening. At one point he and his friends were talking and looking at me. His friends came over and said hello to me but he never came over. He looked again later and a mutual friend shouted out whilst looking at him saying "look at him, he doesn't want to date you but is still looking at you, move on from him." I don't get why his friends came over. If he doesn't want to date me then why look at me. The situation is stressing me out.

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You would not know he was looking at you unless you were looking at him. He may be wondering why you were looking at him. At any rate, if he didn't come over and talk to you, ask you out, etc., he is not interested. This would have been his perfect opportunity if he wanted it.

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That's what his friends are harassing him about. They want to know why he stares at you when he claims to not want to date you, too. They were making a point of it.

 

Whatever his deal is, just ignore him. It will blow over soon enough. You should have brought a date along, even if it was a cousin or coworker.

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I went to the party. He kept staring at me throughout the evening. At one point he and his friends were talking and looking at me. His friends came over and said hello to me but he never came over. He looked again later and a mutual friend shouted out whilst looking at him saying "look at him, he doesn't want to date you but is still looking at you, move on from him." I don't get why his friends came over. If he doesn't want to date me then why look at me. The situation is stressing me out.

 

I'm sure he's interested and still very intrigued by you, probably discussing you with his friends. Something is stopping him to move forward though... Most likely something beyond his and your control. You'd possibly gain enough information to pinpoint it if you stay being within the same friend group, however, I'm not sure this will help the situation.

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I'veseenbetterlol
There were no red flags. I would have read his behavior as you did -- a sign of interest.

 

I'm more concerned that after this failed flirtation you need help rebuilding your life. Why did you let yourself get so invested in some guy from a hiking group that you weren't dating? You need to reign in your emotions. This was on silly guy who lead you on. You should be angry not devastated.

 

Go to the group events. Hike. Talk to other people. Avoid him but don't be obvious or impolite about it. Stop the hugs.

 

Find somebody else to date.

 

Might be dumb, but I know the feeling of investing in someone you hardly know (I'm not talking about after having sex). That happened to me, I was duped by a guy I met online and that hit me very hard. He did shady things and lied to me.

 

Go out and do things you enjoy, continue w/that group and talk to lots of people. Remember this, never get invested in someone until you start seriously dating. There are a lot of people who get a kick w/screwing w/your feelings. These guys aren't creeps waiting in the shadows, they are the romantic flatterers. Chin up and just be careful. After my incident, no guy has caught me off guard because I never invested in anyone until we started seriously dating, like my current bf.

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I had seen this guy in a walking group over the past 5 months. We were friends a few years ago but lost touch. Over the months he has dropped hints that he likes me, has cuddled and held me for long periods of time and kissed my cheek in a loving way - it has all been quite romantic. I told him recently that I like him and he started acting awkward and said he likes me but does not want to take it further and he said he does not feel enough for me. He then said he probably did lead me on. I was stunned, I didn't stick around to talk as I felt he had taken the p*** out of me.*

 

He is in his 40s and not had a girlfriend in years but does get shy and socially awkward around women. He did say not long ago to me and some friends when he was asked about dating was that he has had enough of women who answer back, he hasn't married as he has not found the right woman. He also said if he has a relationship he has to give up the hiking groups. I thought that is ridiculous as the right person would not make you give up your hobbies which I even told him this.

 

There have been occasions where he has said he doesn't do communal bedrooms with the hikers and likes his own space. He also at times has had outbursts, sulked and impatient in situations - not ideal.

 

I have realised I have wasted my time. I feel shocked and heartbroken now as I had pinned my hopes on him to be let down. How can I rebuild my life and move on? Am I best to cut contact with him? I know he gets annoyed when I talk to other guys but how can he when he rejected me. I still want to see my friends at the hiking group but don't know if I can go with him being there as I will have feelings.

 

Please can people please point out his red flags so I don't fall for this crap again. Thanks

 

Wow, that's wrong of him!

 

You can re-build by knowing that he is doing a favor and showing you how callous he really is early on, as opposed to wasting anymore of your time. The best thing is to stay busy. Don't let yourself sit around and entertain what might have been.

 

Yes, please do cut all contact. If you can find another walking group I would recommend doing so as it sounds like you are hurting pretty bad. Too bad if he gets annoyed about other guys. He should have treated you better. As a guy myself, I can tell you are a nice woman and this guy doesn't deserve your kind heart! Please don't give him the time of day!!

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