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Is this guy I am dating mentally messed up?


Lovehel

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I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with a narcissistic type personality for 6 years. It has been 8 months since it ended but I deal with trust issues since, where I do not trust peoples intentions, or expect them to offend or hurt me in some way.

 

Anyway I am dating this guy and and looking for some advice on whether he is worth seeing further before I go down a bad path again potentially.

 

I am going to mention a few things. At around 8pm he said to come over whenever you want. I ended up getting delayed a bit and got there around 10pm. I saw there were candles lit from outside. To me it just feels like he is trying to seduce me, when I don't care to be, all I care about is for someone to show me they are a good person with no hidden agenda. When I went over, he immediately leaned in and kissed me. Then when we hugged, he looks at me and goes are you okay? I was like I am fine, why? He goes you had a 2 hour shower? I was thinking I don't have to explain myself to you. Which I didn't. He then laughs as if it was a joke, and goes let me joke, I said okay... He immediately was very physically forward as if he was my boyfriend, hugging me kissing me non stop. He then goes your shaking, I said I am not. He then correct himself and goes you flinched. I thought so what?. it feels like he is acting like a couple when we are not.

 

Then acts impatient and weird at times. We were looking at trailers for a movie...I mentioned a movie which I couldn't remember the name but remember a scene with a song, he ended up acting like he knew which one. In the middle of the trailer I said this is not it, he goes what it? I said I thought you knew the movie I was talking about, he said what movie? As if he never heard me. I said to him don't worry. He then gets quiet, it felt like I did something wrong or something. impatient and is like well what movie do you want to watch then? I was like well I don't know yet. He seemed to be annoyed and was like we will just watch a series. I was making coffee with this Italian maker...I didn't screw the top on tightly. It started spilling, he took it off the heat. He quickly took the machine and was like you didn't do it tight enough...and he fixed it...I felt almost like a failure, like a parent who steps in when a child does something not right. He is always fixing things and likes everything a certain way. Every time I do something, I feel pressure. I feel worried I am going to piss him off or something. Because his first language is not english, he goes tell me you said that wrong if I pronounce something off or not right etc...I said you speak english normally you just have an accent, does it not just matter that people can understand you and vice versa, he goes no I need to perfect it, and not have any accent. I was thinking well that is unrealistic, but just agreed to him, when I don't feel like that is my role ,or something I should be doing. I am looking into these things because I don't want to go down the same path I did with my ex, and want to spot any early warning signs.

 

Am I bringing paranoia from my old relationship into this or are these things that happened a worry?

Edited by Lovehel
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Cookiesandough

I don't think anything you mentioned sounds out of the ordinary. He fixed the coffee maker because it was spilling everywhere. Unless there is more here we can't see, I think you are still sensitive from your rship with your ex. sorry that happened. Take things slow

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MajesticUnicorn

I have to agree with Cookies.

 

Nothing you said in your post makes me think he is mentally messed up. Trying to romance you, helping you fix the coffee maker, suggesting movies to watch...those are all indicators of a man who is interested in someone, not of someone with mental issues.

 

Perhaps the misunderstanding with the movie is a result of the language barrier. And I don't think it's weird that someone trying to speak English fluently would want feedback if they're saying something incorrectly.

 

I think that you are letting your past relationship affect your current one, overthinking/overanalyzing, maybe even a bit of comparison which is not healthy. I did this when I got out of an abusive relationship and hopped into another one, and it was not fair to the guy I was with. I think you either need to look at this relationship with a fresh perspective, or give yourself some time to heal from your past relationship. In hindsight, 8 months is not a long time to get over a 6 year (abusive) relationship.

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I answered on your other thread.

 

 

You should probably stick to one thread and one train of thought.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/640849-guy-i-am-dating-mentally-messed-up

 

But no, it sounds like there's a language barrier working against the two of you. He actually sounds as if he's concerned about you.

 

And, if you're 'dating', why are you put off that he wonders where you were for two hours? Why is it bad to hug and kiss upon greeting? That doesn't sound like 'dating' to me.

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I didn't see anything out of the ordinary in terms of his behavior.

 

My father was physically/verbally/emotionally abusive. After leaving home and starting my first relationship, I used to flinch whenever my ex would make a sudden move. And I remember reading into everything and being overly sensitive and constantly reading into everything. You come out feeling fragile and vulnerable.

 

Maybe you're not ready to date but if you want to continue, you need to stop allowing your past relationship to dictate your current. You'll likely sabotage this because your mindset is on the defense.

 

You either step into with a new perspective or step away and give yourself more time to heal.

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Cookiesandough

I was just a sensitive as you are after my break up with my ex because he was a little bit manipulative towards me in a lot of ways + I was bullied i. Teens so I assumed everyone was like that. It snowballed and I ditched out . I've lost lots o opportunities with decent people. Don't be like me.

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Have you had any counseling after your last relationship? I would suggest that this would be very helpful for you. Best wishes.

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Guys thanks for your responses. I appreciate the advice. I did get this response by someone on an abuse forum, and they seem to think there are warning signs. So I am not sure what to think.

 

"If you stay, he will become abusive. What he's doing now is a test. By violating your boundaries in smaller ways, he can tell whether you will leave him for doing other things. If you will not, he can slowly escalate, before you know it, he's as bad as your ex. Abusers are pretty good about spotting people that will be receptive to their abuse."

 

Also one of the signs of abuse is to make decisions without consulting and he got crisps for the movie, nothing else, when I never said I like them, and didn't ask me what I would like.

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Getting crips for a movie without asking your opinion is not a sign that he is controlling or abusive. It could be taken as a very kind and considerate thing to do.

 

Yes, the information given in the other forum may be correct in some cases. But, be aware that the people visiting that forum are also hyperaware of abusive situations, which may affect their interpretation of what you ask.

 

In the early days of dating, keep your eyes open and watch his behavior. Is he kind, considerate of your opinions and your feelings, does he respect your wishes and your judgment? Trust your gut and listen to what your intuition is telling you.

 

Your radar is a little skewed right now to be over sensitive because of past experiences - and rightfully so. A few visits with a counselor - even if you visit a free women's health centre to learn more about abusive relationships and what to watch for in the future - would REALLY help you.

 

You don't have to live in fear and anxiety for the rest of your life. Get some help, and your future will be better for it!

Edited by BaileyB
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Guys thanks for your responses. I appreciate the advice. I did get this response by someone on an abuse forum, and they seem to think there are warning signs. So I am not sure what to think.

 

"If you stay, he will become abusive. What he's doing now is a test. By violating your boundaries in smaller ways, he can tell whether you will leave him for doing other things. If you will not, he can slowly escalate, before you know it, he's as bad as your ex. Abusers are pretty good about spotting people that will be receptive to their abuse."

 

Also one of the signs of abuse is to make decisions without consulting and he got crisps for the movie, nothing else, when I never said I like them, and didn't ask me what I would like.

 

But my dear your going at this all wrong, now you think everyone going to abuse you some how. I read what you had said in the first post. I've been in abusive relationship I was the receiver at the time. I will not be talk down too and I will stand-up for my rights too. Never let them take over your life to make it theirs. This guy wasn't doing that to you. He was trying to please you. Might the night special for you. All you did was get defensive around his comments and then you put up a wall. He got confused. You see you need 2 years non-contact with any man from a 6 year abusive relationship. 8 months is not enough time for you to get over things. The Crisps (UK term for potato chips). He assumed you like the same type. Harmless, your taking it the wrong way. You can't help it to think that way from the prior Ex-abuser. I am healed and I will never let anyone try to wall all over me. I stand-up! l

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Rereading your post, I don't see a man who is abusive (although, maybe a little forward if he is trying to be physical and you are, as you describe, not it a relationship yet).

 

I see a woman who has been hurt in the past and is extremely hyper vigilant and anxious about almost everything. It probably doesn't matter what he says or does at this moment, you are looking through the lens of a woman who has been in an abusive relationship and this is distorting your vision. You have your walls up to protect yourself, and rightfully so given what you have experienced. But, you must learn to let them down a little if you are ever going to trust a man and have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

I say this with compassion, I don't think you should be in a relationship with a man right now. Not yet. Go to a woman's clinic and get some counseling. You deserve to feel better about yourself and your future relationships. Good luck to you!

Edited by BaileyB
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Getting crips for a movie without asking your opinion is not a sign that he is controlling or abusive. It could be taken as a very kind and considerate thing to do.

 

Yes, the information given in the other forum may be correct in some cases. But, be aware that the people visiting that forum are also hyperaware of abusive situations, which may affect their interpretation of what you ask.

 

In the early days of dating, keep your eyes open and watch his behavior. Is he kind, considerate of your opinions and your feelings, does he respect your wishes and your judgment? Trust your gut and listen to what your intuition is telling you.

 

Your radar is a little skewed right now to be over sensitive because of past experiences - and rightfully so. A few visits with a counselor - even if you visit a free women's health centre to learn more about abusive relationships and what to watch for in the future - would REALLY help you.

 

You don't have to live in fear and anxiety for the rest of your life. Get some help, and your future will be better for it!

 

That is true, there past experiences could be affecting their judgement now also. I will get some counseling, I got some after my past relationship, but I probably need a good bit more.

 

When you say is he considerate of my feelings, I can think of two cases where I would say he definitely is not:

 

I never said what time I will be there. At 8:10 he says he is leaving the store with crisps he got the movie, I said I was gonna shower and get ready then be over. He goes no problem, let me know when you are on the way. At 9:15 he goes, did you forget where I live smiley face? I said no am getting my coat on now at 9:45. When I get there he mocks me for the time I took to get there.

 

When I didn't turn up a few nights ago at his, cause I wasn't feeling upto it, and texted him the day after saying I was staying with a cousin cause she was going through a tough time. He seemed really understanding etc...when I said in person after a few hours yesterday oh sorry about not being able to be here last time by the way, he goes why are you bringing that up now? I was thinking wow...okay. It seemed kind of aggressive? like I secretly angered him but he won't say that.

 

What do you think?

 

I can't say whether he respects my judgement, because I haven't really given it to him.

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Rereading your post, I don't see a man who is abusive (although, maybe a little forward if he is trying to be physical and you are, as you describe, not it a relationship yet).

 

I see a woman who has been hurt in the past and is extremely hyper vigilant and anxious about almost everything. It probably doesn't matter what he says or does at this moment, you are looking through the lens of a woman who has been in an abusive relationship and this is distorting your vision. You have your walls up to protect yourself, and rightfully so given what you have experienced. But, you must learn to let them down a little if you are ever going to trust a man and have a healthy relationship in the future.

 

I say this with compassion, I don't think you should be in a relationship with a man right now. Not yet. Go to a woman's clinic and get some counseling. You deserve to feel better about yourself and your future relationships. Good luck to you!

 

 

That is true, and it is because there is no way in hell I will allow anyone to ever cause me so much pain and heartache in my life. What I went through was more than enough for a lifetime. I agree I am looking from it from that lens, before when I wasn't I got into a 6 year abusive mentally abusive relationship, that was narcissistic and I was came out of it, disturbed to say the least. I was traumatized, depressed, I was a dead inside. It took away years of my life. You know what pisses me off? I had the courage on date 2 to tell this guy, I was in an abusive relationship, he looked at me shocked. I immediately felt humiliated I had told him, so I go it was mainly mental not really physical, but I was starting to open up to him. What does he do? he goes on a bitch fest about his ex. He didn't care about what I had been through, nothing. He made it all about himself and how he must have had it worse, because she cheated on him. What do you think of that?

 

You don't think mocking how long it took me to arrive is belittling?

 

Or moving into kiss me and touch me is violating my boundaries?

 

I will go seek counseling. I did go for about 3 months when the past relationship ended. I was suffering from ptsd, and all sorts. She said to me that what I have been through will make me not go through the same thing again, and she said I was fine. I clearly am not. But I am still convinced this guy might have an abusive streak.

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With kindness, I would suggest that the person who has been inconsiderate is not this man, but you.

 

First, 10pm would be a little late to arrive at my home to watch a movie. I wouldn't have been very pleased - particularly when I texted at 8:10 to tell you that I was getting the movie and the crips... you took your time going over to watch the movie. No judgment, it takes me a long time to straighten my hair too. But, I would have communicated that to my partner and said "I'll be there, around 10." And, I would ask - was he mocking you for the time you took or trying to make a lighthearted joke about the fact that it took you two hours to "shower."My boyfriend would no doubt make a similar comment, and it would be a joke. I would probably tell him that beauty doesn't come fast or easy - he would laugh, and we would watch the movie...

 

As to the second, am I correct in assuming that you had plans, didn't show up because you weren't feeling up to it, and then texted him the NEXT DAY... That doesn't seem very kind or considerate to his time either. And then, when you apologize again days later and he said "why are you bringing this up again..." he could have just meant - this happened days ago, it's forgotten, why are you bringing this up again? Again, I'm not sure that he was being aggressive.

 

It seems to me that you have your walls up and you are very hypervigillent. It also seems to me that you are testing him a little, and then assuming the worst in each situation. When, I will say honestly that based on these examples, I'm not sure that you've communicated well or been considerate to him.

 

Look, it's hard to give you good answers because we don't know you and we don't know the situation. We are getting one side of the story, and your interpretation may be a little distorted. But, I think we can see that each example is open to interpretation...

 

It's good that you got some counseling. Now, that you are in a new relationship, it would be a good time to go back again. Someone who knows you in real life will be a good help to you. I wish you all the best!

Edited by BaileyB
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That is true, and it is because there is no way in hell I will allow anyone to ever cause me so much pain and heartache in my life. What I went through was more than enough for a lifetime. I agree I am looking from it from that lens, before when I wasn't I got into a 6 year abusive mentally abusive relationship, that was narcissistic and I was came out of it, disturbed to say the least. I was traumatized, depressed, I was a dead inside. It took away years of my life. You know what pisses me off? I had the courage on date 2 to tell this guy, I was in an abusive relationship, he looked at me shocked. I immediately felt humiliated I had told him, so I go it was mainly mental not really physical, but I was starting to open up to him. What does he do? he goes on a bitch fest about his ex. He didn't care about what I had been through, nothing. He made it all about himself and how he must have had it worse, because she cheated on him. What do you think of that?

 

You don't think mocking how long it took me to arrive is belittling?

 

Or moving into kiss me and touch me is violating my boundaries?

 

I will go seek counseling. I did go for about 3 months when the past relationship ended. I was suffering from ptsd, and all sorts. She said to me that what I have been through will make me not go through the same thing again, and she said I was fine. I clearly am not. But I am still convinced this guy might have an abusive streak.

 

I'm so sorry. That must have been an absolutely terrible experience for you. You must know, you are strong woman to have gathered the strength to leave that relationship! Be proud of that!

 

The abuse that you suffered lasted a long time. That trauma is not going to heal in three months, or eight months. Things will trigger you, forever. And, things will come up for you time and again, in this and any future relationships.

 

This guy was very insensitive when you told him about your past. It took a lot of courage to disclose that information, and he didn't understand that. So - he is not the one.

 

Again, I think you would be wise to go back to find another counselor and talk through these experiences. You will learn from this... You will get there... Best wishes.

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But my dear your going at this all wrong, now you think everyone going to abuse you some how. I read what you had said in the first post. I've been in abusive relationship I was the receiver at the time. I will not be talk down too and I will stand-up for my rights too. Never let them take over your life to make it theirs. This guy wasn't doing that to you. He was trying to please you. Might the night special for you. All you did was get defensive around his comments and then you put up a wall. He got confused. You see you need 2 years non-contact with any man from a 6 year abusive relationship. 8 months is not enough time for you to get over things. The Crisps (UK term for potato chips). He assumed you like the same type. Harmless, your taking it the wrong way. You can't help it to think that way from the prior Ex-abuser. I am healed and I will never let anyone try to wall all over me. I stand-up! l

 

I have my guard up, because I am not losing more of my life to abuse. I have lost 7 years to it, including the recovery process, which I am still very much in the middle of, so it will probably be at least 8. I know I need to focus on myself but I crave and miss having intimacy with someone. I don't think I deserve to feel lonely either, how is it fair that I have to constantly sacrifice my happiness and potentially being happy with someone, for my ex abuser? if I wait til I am 100% healed, I might never find anyone. I might not be fully healed for 5 years, if ever, I don't know if I will ever fully get over this, it has changed me, I don't have the luxury of going around with my guard down, because of what has happened to me, and probably never will. I don't see how I could have much of a different perspective in a year as I do now, no matter what any counselor tells me. To just give someone my trust, would feel like I am asking for trouble. I am sick and tired of feeling all the consequences of the abuse, while the abuser is not one bit bothered and moved on to do his usual thing. When I said this to a counselor they said, you need to look at your role, you were being compliant etc...so I am trying to get myself out of a victim mentality, and one where I feel healthy, how I do not know, he wouldn't tell me how. He said to live your life, challenge myself. Maybe that is the answer?

 

and don't think him mocking me for how long I took to arrive was belittling?

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I'm so sorry. That must have been an absolutely terrible experience for you. You must know, you are strong woman to have gathered the strength to leave that relationship! Be proud of that!

 

The abuse that you suffered lasted a long time. That trauma is not going to heal in three months, or eight months. Things will trigger you, forever. And, things will come up for you time and again, in this and any future relationships.

 

This guy was very insensitive when you told him about your past. It took a lot of courage to disclose that information, and he didn't understand that. So - he is not the one.

 

Again, I think you would be wise to go back to find another counselor and talk through these experiences. You will learn from this... You will get there... Best wishes.

 

Thanks for you're honest support and advice. I know my thinking and behavior and my whole self has been seriously affected by my ex, it has caused it to change. I feel very damaged, and I have become quite reclusive with people, in fear of anyone saying anything that might trigger me, or bring back bad memories, or remind me of my ex. I used to be a bubbly, happy go lucky person, who never tried to figure people out and think people had hidden agendas etc...It makes me so sad to think all that has been stripped of me, and I am left as a person with as you say distorted views now. I am cold, guarded and am extremely wary when it comes to people. I will never go back to being the way I was, because apparently I was the perfect bait for a narcissistic/ psychopathic personality. Whatever he was he laughed at all my pain for years, and played mind game after mind game for years, threatened me violently, publicly humiliated me, pushing me so that I fell and laughing etc...I am angry at myself for allowing it all to happen, feel I made a complete fool out of myself, and the shame and humiliation it has caused me is just unreal. I made a promise to myself I will not allow anyone to abuse me ever again, and any sign of it, I am out of there.

 

He was insensitive, and I might tell him that, and be honest saying I don't think I can date someone who is insensitive or can't understand my past.

 

What he did was horrendous, he was comparing someone cheating on him to someone who mentally and verbally abused me for 6 years,physically threatened me on a regular basis, and left me with immense damage. I suffer everyday as a result. I remember he didn't care to hear what I had been through, all he cared was. But are you okay now? I could sense if I said no, he would reject me, so I said I was fine. Can you believe that? There was no compliment for getting away or sense of support, nothing. Either he is ignorant towards abuse, or does not care. Either one is not good.

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Thanks for you're honest support and advice. I know my thinking and behavior and my whole self has been seriously affected by my ex, it has caused it to change. I feel very damaged, and I have become quite reclusive with people, in fear of anyone saying anything that might trigger me, or bring back bad memories, or remind me of my ex. I used to be a bubbly, happy go lucky person, who never tried to figure people out and think people had hidden agendas etc...It makes me so sad to think all that has been stripped of me, and I am left as a person with as you say distorted views now. I am cold, guarded and am extremely wary when it comes to people. I will never go back to being the way I was, because apparently I was the perfect bait for a narcissistic/ psychopathic personality. Whatever he was he laughed at all my pain for years, and played mind game after mind game for years, threatened me violently, publicly humiliated me, pushing me so that I fell and laughing etc...I am angry at myself for allowing it all to happen, feel I made a complete fool out of myself, and the shame and humiliation it has caused me is just unreal. I made a promise to myself I will not allow anyone to abuse me ever again, and any sign of it, I am out of there.

 

He was insensitive, and I might tell him that, and be honest saying I don't think I can date someone who is insensitive or can't understand my past.

 

What he did was horrendous, he was comparing someone cheating on him to someone who mentally and verbally abused me for 6 years,physically threatened me on a regular basis, and left me with immense damage. I suffer everyday as a result. I remember he didn't care to hear what I had been through, all he cared was. But are you okay now? I could sense if I said no, he would reject me, so I said I was fine. Can you believe that? There was no compliment for getting away or sense of support, nothing. Either he is ignorant towards abuse, or does not care. Either one is not good.

 

Don't expect that everyone will understand. They simply won't. It's not their journey - it's yours.

 

But, you will find someone, someday, who will attempt to understand. And in that relationship, you will feel safe, and loved, and you will blossom.

 

Your story makes my heart feel heavy. I can appreciate how you feel you have lost years of your life, never to get them back, from this abusive man. You don't want to lose more time. But, healing takes time.

 

You are not the same person now. But, think of it this way... We all have experiences in our lives, that change us. These experiences can destroy us, or we can learn from them and allow them to make us stronger. Perhaps, there is good to come from this relationship. Perhaps, it is just meant to be (a very painful) part of your journey... to help you to get to where you are meant to be.

 

I do believe that no experience is ever wasted. You will take something from this experience, and you will be better because of it. Perhaps, you will have a healthy, happy relationship BECAUSE of what you have learned. Perhaps, you will volunteer at a women's shelter and help other women who have left abusive partners. It is your journey, you get to decide your future.

 

Go back to counselling and just know, it will get better. Don't rush your healing, it will be a lifelong journey for you... Take care.

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Don't expect that everyone will understand. They simply won't. It's not their journey - it's yours.

 

But, you will find someone, someday, who will attempt to understand. And in that relationship, you will feel safe, and loved, and you will blossom.

 

Your story makes my heart feel heavy. I can appreciate how you feel you have lost years of your life, never to get them back, from this abusive man. You don't want to lose more time. But, healing takes time.

 

You are not the same person now. But, think of it this way... We all have experiences in our lives, that change us. These experiences can destroy us, or we can learn from them and allow them to make us stronger. Perhaps, there is good to come from this relationship. Perhaps, it is just meant to be (a very painful) part of your journey... to help you to get to where you are meant to be.

 

I do believe that no experience is ever wasted. You will take something from this experience, and you will be better because of it. Perhaps, you will have a healthy, happy relationship BECAUSE of what you have learned. Perhaps, you will volunteer at a women's shelter and help other women who have left abusive partners. It is your journey, you get to decide your future.

 

Go back to counselling and just know, it will get better. Don't rush your healing, it will be a lifelong journey for you... Take care.

 

Do you think if I got back to counseling I will feel more understood? cause right now I feel I am suffering in silence, and this is the only place where I tell my truth,I am grateful for a forum like this and people like you who take their time to help me. Thank you.

 

By attempt to understand you mean they will be patient and want to know what I have been through because they are interested in my journey good and bad? Will I just know when I meet them that they are the one?

 

I cannot wait to get to the point where I don't feel this heaviness in my heart, and feel light again, and excited by life, not that life is a burden I have to bear. If counseling is the answer to help me get there then I will go back.

 

He was a wolf in sheeps clothing. The scariest part to it all, are the two sides. He comes across so helpful, harmless, quiet, sensitive, but the other side that his friends see they never see the other side, he would say awful things about me, I could never defend myself, because they thought he was the sweetest thing ever. The other side of him was lethal, when I saw him hit his cats it disgusted me to the point where I would up chase him to stop him, he said it is not like I am doing it to you, while he grabbed the cat and hit him, smeared his head in his pee etc...really sick stuff... I wasn't exposed to that until I was a few years in, so I guess I am lucky to have got away, I could have lost more years or my life to him. The only reason I got away was because I knew I needed help for what I was going through. I went to counselling 10 months before we broke up, the counselor was telling me I deserved to be respected etc...the thought of leaving actually scared me so much that I stopped counselling, I then went back in January to a different one, when I knew I had to get support and do what I needed to do, she helped me feel like I was worth something, really listened to me, she didn't force me to leave but when I said he told me over a phone he was moving country for good, and it is up to me to follow him, she told me a dog follows, a human goes by your side, I decided to tell him that as if it was me through text, he immediately broke up with me. Sometimes I feel like I wasn't ready to leave, and if I never texted what the counselor said I might still be with him, so even if I was not ready, I think it was the best thing?

 

Sometimes I feel guilty because I have lost years of time, and by continuing to be affected even though he has been gone 8 months, I feel I am the cause now of my own misery, that it is not him. I feel I alone am wasting my life, because I can't seem to change my irrational thinking, and then I get into this cycle where I just give up, and am like why should I bother, the pain is never going to end anyway, I try to be positive, I really do, with music, mediation, exercise etc...but I feel I am kidding myself by thinking I will ever actually be happy, that thinking positively is just a mask for my underlying trauma, depression, anxiety etc...and I feel at times just completely submitting to it all. But then I have times when I can be more optimistic, but is very easy to fall into that extremely negative, dark way of thinking, which I never had before all this.

 

I think it is just a painful part of my journey, that hopefully I can take some lessons from, and it makes me a wiser person. I do think I could easily allow it to destroy me, to never ever connect with another human again. To think I could come across someone like my ex anywhere, terrifies the life out of me.He was a wolf in sheeps clothing. What is the scariest part about all this is you would have no idea. He comes across so helpful, harmless, quiet, sensitive, but the other side to him is lethal, I wasn't exposed to it fully until I was a few years in, so I guess I am lucky to have got away, I could have lost more years or my life to him. The only reason I got away was because I knew I needed help for what I was going through. I went to counselling. I do think I would like to help other people, maybe volunteer at a hotline, I did apply to one for students but they weren't accepting applications, but I could apply to a few more. I do hope that it is all for some reason, and that eventually I will see it, and it will make sense.

 

I would love to have a happy, healthy relationship, because that is all I was ever wanted to begin with. Maybe if this never happened I would never have made myself into the happy healthy person I might be in 6 months or a year, which will attract another of the same to me. Maybe there will be some kind of silver lining to all of this. I would love to get to the point where I am in a good healthy place in my life relationship wise, friendships, family, etc... I can sit back and no longer feel so guarded and heavy and think this is what all that was for, and everything just fits into place, and I am internally smiling and grateful and all these wonderful things.

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I think, if you meet the right counsellor, it could absolutely change your life.

 

It sounds like you've had some good counselling already. Sometimes, it's just the right person at the right time. You are at a different point in your life now, perhaps it's time to hear what someone else has to say. ;)

 

And no, nobody know when they meet someone that they will be the one. If only, it was that easy. ;). But hopefully, you will meet someone kind and you will feel comfortable sharing your story. Hopefully, they will listen, and be patient, and they will try to understand... You will just know when you meet this person.

 

But I am a big believer that this person will not come into your life until you are ready... meaning, you are already in a healthy and happy place. He may come sooner, but you may not notice him because you are not ready yet. And, that's ok. All in good time.

 

The first step - find a counsellor who you feel comfortable talking with and keep working on getting stronger. Good luck!

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I am going to mention a few things. At around 8pm he said to come over whenever you want. I ended up getting delayed a bit and got there around 10pm. I saw there were candles lit from outside. To me it just feels like he is trying to seduce me, when I don't care to be, all I care about is for someone to show me they are a good person with no hidden agenda. When I went over, he immediately leaned in and kissed me.

 

(preface: I haven't read your other threads)

 

In the future, it may help to not go in squared up for a fight. Right now, you are very hypersensitive to abuse and not being walked on, but you are unfairly lumping all men into one category when chances are, they don't deserve to be put there: just the guy who you spent 6 years with belongs there and those who've demonstrated that they think/behave like your ex. They are all not out to humiliate, abuse or hurt you. To be fair to this guy, going over when you really weren't in the head space to be there was probably not the best decision because that set up the whole devolving of the rest of the evening.

 

Then when we hugged, he looks at me and goes are you okay? I was like I am fine, why? He goes you had a 2 hour shower? I was thinking I don't have to explain myself to you.

 

You weren't fine, so why lie about it? You were pissed that he had candles lit and pissed he acted like a boyfriend who assumed that you were also on the same page as him when you're not. That would say that he's unaware of how you really feel about being involved with him.

 

No, you don't owe him an explanation, but if he was 2 hours late meeting you out somewhere for drinks, would you be ok with him sauntering in with a chip on his shoulder, being combative and dousing your happy vibe? No, you wouldn't and his disregard for your time along with his attitude about said disregard would have colored your feelings for the rest of the evening.

 

Him behaving like a normal, caring boyfriend who was happy to see you triggers you into thinking he's exerting control over you. It has nothing to do with anyone trying to control you--you are looking for ghosts around every corner. It might be a good idea to instead of dating right now, to go back and invest in therapy; to go through the unpleasantness that resolving your issues entails so it's done and settled, instead of trying to avoid it, go around it or distract yourself from doing the heavy lift. You have a lot of emotional work you need to do before you're ready to be with 100% anyone.

 

Am I bringing paranoia from my old relationship into this

 

Yes. You're not ready to be dating if these thoughts and actions are what you reach for first.

Edited by kendahke
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Lovehel, please don't be too hard on this guy for his reaction to you revealing your previous abuse. It's quite possible he didn't understand the gravity. Or he was so shocked that he didn't know how to respond in an appropriate manner. While he was insensitive, he wasn't acting in a 'horrendous' manner. Given time and understanding, it's very likely that he would fully grasp the impact your history has had on you.

 

Nothing you're written about this guy sounds alarming to me. I suspect it's more about you still on hyper alert and so everything is scary for you. Take BaileyB's advice and find yourself a great counselor.

 

It will get better.

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Wondering why ya took 2 hours longer is hardly mocking ya, or getting chips or trying to set up a nice night for you.

You sounded as prickly and defensive as hell at everything he tried to do.

l would've been thinking man this chicks got problems so it's funny your thinking that about him too.

Not enough to go on with him, new girl, nerves, trying to do the right thing, too early to say.

 

But l go with cooldel you need more time anyway, 8mths after a long nasty relationship like that is nothing can see your not ready, why are you dating again so soon.

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Sending in some context about partners making decisions without you being abusive. The kind of things this refers to is stuff which affects your life. Like if he quit his job and informed you that you were both moving interstate. Or if he made plans for Christmas without considering what you need to do with your friends and family. Or if he had a vasectomy without having discussed whether or not you want kids. It's the big stuff.

 

Buying a packet of crisps is a nice gesture. As would be bringing a bottle of wine. Or cookies. Or surprising you with a cooked dinner.

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Cookiesandough

I'm so sorry for what your ex did to you . Please see counseling because you will probably carry that anxiety with you in your future relationships

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