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Another one bites the dust?


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 9th November 2017, 8:31 PM   #271
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But it's not black and white. Evil liar / good person who never lies. Many people do white lies...That's what he did. He is a messy - really messy, loud flirt has it all over FB so he had to be white-lie sneaky to cover it up. But that was to remain consistent in a romantic relationship context...

Maybe they wouldn't mind having fun with a guy like this with no sex involved or even just being friends with a guy like this. If he asked her about it she can be honest. & =come back with an answer quicker and more clearly than he did
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:37 PM   #272
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But it's not black and white. Evil liar / good person who never lies. Many people do white lies...That's what he did. He is a messy - really messy, loud flirt has it all over FB so he had to be white-lie sneaky to cover it up. But that was to remain consistent in a romantic relationship context...

Maybe they wouldn't mind having fun with a guy like this with no sex involved or even just being friends with a guy like this. If he asked her about it she can be honest. & =come back with an answer quicker and more clearly than he did
It's not about him! It's about her and her decision-making process.

Why would anyone want to date someone they don't trust, even if just for a casual thing?

Weren't you the one going on about not wanting to get played? Good news! I have the solution : don't date people you don't trust.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:40 PM   #273
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Not saying get invested in someone you don't trust, but nothing wrong with going on dates with them. I do it all the time and have had a lot of fun. I would have missed out on a lot of fun opportunities if I skipped out on every guy that gave me a pause or I couldn't see myself seriously dating or sleeping wit h
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:41 PM   #274
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Oh! And this seems like a no-brainer, but just in case it needs to be said:

Don't have sex with people you don't trust.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:42 PM   #275
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Not saying get invested in someone you don't trust, but nothing wrong with going on dates with them. I do it all the time and have had a lot of fun. I would have missed out on a lot of fun opportunities if I skipped out on every guy that gave me a pause or I couldn't see myself seriously dating or sleeping wit h
Again, there's a difference between 1. not trusting someone, considering them liars, duplicitous and evasive and 2. getting to know someone as you decide whether or not they are trustworthy.

You seem to be confusing the two in your above quote.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:44 PM   #276
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Again, there's a difference between 1. not trusting someone, considering them liars, duplicitous and evasive and 2. getting to know someone as you decide whether or not they are trustworthy.

You seem to be confusing the two in your above quote.
I am really not confusing them, kamille! I have been on several dates with several people I would consider liar,s, duplicitous, and evasive, and they have been fun.

Anyway, I respect your viewpoint. I guess I just see it as not so black/white
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:47 PM   #277
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I am really not confusing them, kamille! I have been on several dates with several people I would consider liar,s, duplicitous, and evasive, and they have been fun.

Anyway, I respect your viewpoint. I guess I just see it as not so black/white
Again, consider dating only people you trust. It might diminish the anxiety you've expressed here and elsewhere about dating.

There's plenty of fun to be had out there, and plenty of great people. No need to waste time on people you don't trust.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:54 PM   #278
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But it's not black and white. Evil liar / good person who never lies. Many people do white lies...That's what he did. He is a messy - really messy, loud flirt has it all over FB so he had to be white-lie sneaky to cover it up. But that was to remain consistent in a romantic relationship context...

Maybe they wouldn't mind having fun with a guy like this with no sex involved or even just being friends with a guy like this. If he asked her about it she can be honest. & =come back with an answer quicker and more clearly than he did
Cookies, not every person is driven/engaged with social media. I kid you not.

I do understand where you are coming from in this particular circumstance with ES: He is an orbiter to whoever this woman is on his FB....because he is an adamant orbiter, he won't properly invest in a relationship with ES. Woman is enjoying his orbit and probably will also yank his chain should he attempt to leave it.
Oh well.

By the by, sorry ES for hypothesizing your love life to this extent.

None of this adds up to a hill of beans if the two of them hit it off and make a go of it. So what? They barely know each other. There really is something to be said for 'he plays the field till he doesn't' or some such.

I think that ES needs to do what is comfortable for her...bearing in mind that/that was really quick.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:59 PM   #279
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I was just saying he is quite likely getting into white lies (future faking, 'dogs/cats' FB etc) to sleep with her faster. It's not like he's harassing her.

Emotions reflect observations, no?

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Again, trust is very different from your second scenario of him suggesting sex. There's nothing inherently untrustworthy about suggesting sex (which, again, is different from pushing for sex #metoo)

And trust is not a characteristic he has - it's an emotion she feels: does she trust him or not? Everything she has written since adding him on Facebook suggests she doesn't trust him. It's not a binary emotion no. Trust is earned after all. But once you get to distrust? That is a definitive emotion.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:59 PM   #280
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Also, given that we had 4 dates I would soon be expected to go to his home or invite him to mine, have sex with him. All those acts with a stranger that I met on a dating ap and that are way more intimate than adding someone on social media.

I'm asked to take a "leap of faith" and give "benefit of the doubt". Yet it's totally fine that he won't take a leap of faith in adding me on Facebook? Wow just wow.
There is a HUGE difference between adding on Facebook and Instagram. It's common to add someone to your IG on the first date or even before you meet. Many list their IG address right on their Tinder or OLD profile. I just got a number from a girl yesterday and she immediately added me on IG. Facebook, is a whole 'nother story. Nobody lists their Facebook page on OLD. My Facebook account is for actual REAL friends and not acquaintances and fake friends. I have a ton of private info that I share with friends and family that I don't want a complete stranger to see. Yes, I'd rather exchange bodily fluids with a woman I just met than friend them on Facebook. I don't want them to know my birthday, place of employment, complete educational history, names of all my relatives and exes before we're intimate and have some trust. They're halfway to identify theft or some serious stalking. I've NEVER friended anyone I'm dating before we are exclusive AND sleeping together. Nor have they EVER requested it. That you really see this as a "wow just wow" tells me you may be too paranoid and distrusting right now to healthily date right now...
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Old 9th November 2017, 9:00 PM   #281
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Again, consider dating only people you trust. It might diminish the anxiety you've expressed here and elsewhere about dating.

There's plenty of fun to be had out there, and plenty of great people. No need to waste time on people you don't trust.
what do you mean "elsewhere",kamille ???Are you stalking my SM?
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Cookies, not every person is driven/engaged with social media. I kid you not.

I do understand where you are coming from in this particular circumstance with ES: He is an orbiter to whoever this woman is on his FB....because he is an adamant orbiter, he won't properly invest in a relationship with ES. Woman is enjoying his orbit and probably will also yank his chain should he attempt to leave it.
Oh well.

By the by, sorry ES for hypothesizing your love life to this extent.

None of this adds up to a hill of beans if the two of them hit it off and make a go of it. So what? They barely know each other. There really is something to be said for 'he plays the field till he doesn't' or some such.

I think that ES needs to do what is comfortable for her...bearing in mind that/that was really quick.
I never said that. I just said at least everyone under 40. Okay, maybe not everyone, but at least 99%.

I agree with you about the latter part...go out & have fun. If I nixed every guy who blew a little smoke or obscured stuff to look better than he was...well, let's just say i wouldn't be going as much

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Old 9th November 2017, 9:04 PM   #282
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Emotions reflect observations, no?
Ha! If only. Then anxiety and cognitive distortions wouldn't exist.

And in the instance of this thread, emotions preceded observation.
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Old 9th November 2017, 9:07 PM   #283
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This is why it would be easy dating me. I have nothing at all on my facebook page, I don't have a twitter or instagram account and I would rather phone than text. I just don't care about this social media crap. I prefer the real world.
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Old 9th November 2017, 9:08 PM   #284
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I agree with you about the latter part...go out & have fun. If I nixed every guy who blew a little smoke or obscured stuff to look better than he was...well, let's just say i wouldn't be going as much
I think your approach is more exploratory, and Kamille's is more goal oriented, that's why it looks different.

I'd say the exploratory approach can be very valuable for people that are not in a rush and more importantly - not easily getting attached. The goal oriented approach is great for people on a timeline to get into relationship, and for people that have more defined idea of their relationship desires in mind.

In OP's case: she seem to be somewhat in between the two, so it is hard to give good advice.
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Old 9th November 2017, 9:12 PM   #285
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I think your approach is more exploratory, and Kamille's is more goal oriented, that's why it looks different.

I'd say the exploratory approach can be very valuable for people that are not in a rush and more importantly - not easily getting attached. The goal oriented approach is great for people on a timeline to get into relationship, and for people that have more defined idea of their relationship desires in mind.

In OP's case: she seem to be somewhat in between the two, so it is hard to give good advice.
My goal is to like the people in my life. And therefore lead a rich life -full of fun - supported by great friends and perhaps one day a great guy.

I have no timeline to get into a relationship and in fact don't get easily attached.
Which allows me to date guys and get to know them and "explore". In fact my attachment style is such that : I don't get so anxious that I distrust these guys before even getting to know them.

Theory doesn't really hold.
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