Archibald Salisbury Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Hello there community. After getting brutally ignored on my last thread im not bothering thanking anyone this time. All replies are appreciated, all of them regardless of how long they are. You cant help but just feel great when someone reads your threads and tries to help. I try to do it myself because I understand people when they need to express their feelings. This forum is like a diary, a diary that answers, so please, feel free to comment. I have been dating this girl which I really like. We both seem to be getting closer and closer to each other and there clearly is a connection between us. We met at a birthday party of a mutual friend and have been already on two dates. I was not trying to rush things with her because she seems mature, smart and serious about relationships, so I am waiting till we get closer so I can do the move and show her that I want us to be more than friends. So, the third date is going to be the real deal. See, the way I think of the first two dates is as interviews. On the first two dates you try to know and impress each other, theres alot of acting involved, but on a third date things are different. The third date is important because now you know each other. Im conscious that if I do nothing on the first date I will get friendzoned for not being a man and making my intentions clear. Well, we just meet pretty rarely, other than our two great dates when we had so much fun with each other theres nothing else. This girl goes to medical school so she is really busy, but still found time for me twice. Well, this week I was somewhat free and asked her if she was free two, so we could meet at her place where I could cook something nice for her (perfect setting). As you may have already guessed she was busy and had to study. I told her, -ok when you find the time, then tell me, i will leave it up to you. She said definitely. Thing is, the second date took time after the first. She was busy but still telling me to find another time which would suit her better so that she could meet me. Thing is I can clearly understand that someone is really busy in medical school, much busier than someone like me who studies molecular life science. Anyways I sometimes I cant keep myself from feeling worthless when people tell me theyre busy and cant spare time for me. I feel and down. If I really like someone I would find the time no matter what. I would tell them, maybe not this day but on this other day would be better. Maybe I should have made my intentions clear on the second date, maybe I was too late and now shes lost interest but I dont think so. I texted her, complimenting her pics and we had a nice flirty chat. Yes I overthink alot, I am really looking forward to be worthy for her, for someone who is older, more experienced in life than me. The law of attraction works the fullest when you keep it up in your darkest days. Its easy to think positive and visualize good stuff when youre happy. So i always try to push my insecurities away. Thanks for reading and I would gladly appreciate every single reply. Peace Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) Hey there, You sound like a very nice man, but I do agree that you are overthinking this just a little bit. It's only been two dates. You are still getting to know each other and not "in a relationship" such that she would be expected to find a lot of time for you. Try not to worry and just enjoy getting to know her... Otherwise, I worry that your self esteem seems to be tied to the fact that she is busy and not available to see you. You seem to be thinking "I am not worthy, she isn't making the time to see me." Your self worth can never come from another person - it needs to come from within. This, you can definitely work on for yourself. Look, reality is - she is med student and she is going to have a very busy schedule. There are going to be times when she won't be able to see you - whether she really wants to see you, or not. There will be times like exams, when she is sick, residency, etc... where she will be busier than usual. If you are not able to keep yourself busy and not fall into depression, then this isn't going to work very well for you. We all enjoy spending time with the people we love - but the sad reality, we can't always be together and we have to learn to deal with that. Best wishes to you. Edited October 30, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 You seem to be putting too much stock in this, considering by the sounds of it you've only had two very casual dates so far. I think you need to accept that the odds are strongly against you in this. Well, this week I was somewhat free and asked her if she was free two, so we could meet at her place where I could cook something nice for her (perfect setting). Did you mistype that, or are you seriously suggesting going to HER place to make dinner? Why not your place? That seems like an odd request, most people don't cook at other people's homes. Also for most, date at someone's place implies sex, and by the sounds of it, you guys have been taking it super slow. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 If dating someone who doesn't have much free time isn't meeting your needs, you should find someone to date who is less busy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Maybe I should have made my intentions clear on the second date, maybe I was too late and now shes lost interest but I dont think so. I texted her, complimenting her pics and we had a nice flirty chat. Yes I overthink alot, I am really looking forward to be worthy for her, for someone who is older, more experienced in life than me. The law of attraction works the fullest when you keep it up in your darkest days. Its easy to think positive and visualize good stuff when youre happy. So i always try to push my insecurities away. Thanks for reading and I would gladly appreciate every single reply. Peace I'm thinking this just didn't come across clear because English isn't your first language. Anyway... you have to stop focusing on one woman. If this one is busy then another one will have time and that will divert your attention. Keep in mind that there is nothing special about this woman yet. In regards to your belief about the law of attraction... . The law of attraction is more like the law of the jungle. Women like to date UP not down... so you should make her feel like you are a high value guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Archibald, that self esteem of yours needs to be tied to your own sense of worth - not to what others say or do. If a person doesn't have enough time for you, say to yourself "this woman struggles to fit me in her life - is this what I want in a relationship?". Put the value on yourself and then decide if they are good enough for you. No matter how nice a date was, I wouldn't bother with them if they didn't have enough time to meet me. Now, I'm not telling you that you shouldn't bother with her, but you do need to ask yourself the question. Lastly, at this early stage the odds of a successful relationship happening are low. This is not about you, it's simply how dating goes. Hold back your hopes until you've been on quite a few more dates. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) You have a self esteem problem. Her schedule has nothing what so ever to do with your value as a person. She has a lot of demands on her times. Her social life from her perspective is a luxury; it's fun that comes after she does all her chores & obligations. Stop thinking it's about you. As for your premise that the 1st two dates are interviews with a lot of acting, you are wrong. Yes, those early dates are get to know you activities but there should be no acting. You need to be yourself otherwise you are lying to the other person about who you are. You should be your best self but still true to yourself. You plan for the 3rd date is similarly misguided. I don't know about Germany but in the U.S. any early date that involves staying in is code for I want to sleep with you. This girl may have taken your offer to cook her dinner to mean that you expected her to be dessert. Until you are already sexually involved with someone, don't offer to make them a home cooked meal in your place or theirs. If you must show off your culinary skills, plan a picnic. Molecular life science isn't exactly basket weaving. You clearly have brains to be able to study this subject. Stop being so hard on yourself in terms of your own accomplishments. Edited October 30, 2017 by d0nnivain 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JEG88 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 This girl clearly has ambition and drive to go through medical school. I would be more worried if she lacked ambition and wasn't driven to study anything for her desired career. And it's definitely still early after just a few dates. Don't put your eggs in one basket quite yet. Keep it to simple, fun activities for your outings. You're still getting to know each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 She is clearly busy but for me if the 'only' offer for a third date was at my place or his I would likely continue to be busy until he came up with something else. If he is playing that game I'll play right back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 I agree with the above and would maybe suggest a fun day time outing for when she is next free. Think of something she is into to go and do. Dinner st home is quite intimate considering you've only had 2 job interviews style meetings with her Link to post Share on other sites
Author Archibald Salisbury Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 Hahahaha you did realize the mistype. Actually when we talked about it, it wasnt about her place in particular, my place would have worked just as fine. What we meant was just having a nice dinner at home, in our comfort zone, being ourselves. By the way cooking is my hobby and I love to have friends and get them to try my recipes haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Archibald Salisbury Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 You know why I really like your reply, because something similar just happened yesterday! I was going to a class and the place seemed so empty. The hall was closed, there was no class and nobody had said anything. There I found this girl from another class of mine sitting and waiting. We started talking and hit it off, had no idea we had so much in common, we had never talked before. She was really sweet and nice, we exchanged numbers then texted till nightfall. Here you go, what you said happened, when she just waits so much to meet me, its very possible for her to miss out, there are plenty of other girls in my life and if I find someone nicer then its over with her. I just dont want her to miss out but its something I have no control over. Thats how life is, I am not blindly in love with her or anything, I just have some expectations that she will stand out, but ofc theres some competition and she can lose. She is so smart and hardworking, has it all going and she deserves someone nice but if she waits too much it can be over. Lol life is such a joke right hahaha Stay positive, stay healthy, Peace Link to post Share on other sites
Author Archibald Salisbury Posted October 31, 2017 Author Share Posted October 31, 2017 I'm thinking this just didn't come across clear because English isn't your first language. Anyway... you have to stop focusing on one woman. If this one is busy then another one will have time and that will divert your attention. Keep in mind that there is nothing special about this woman yet. In regards to your belief about the law of attraction... . The law of attraction is more like the law of the jungle. Women like to date UP not down... so you should make her feel like you are a high value guy. God that was sooo mean! But you are right so no hard feelings. I just think very fast when I write and somehow after I post a thread here, I cant edit it afterwards to correct the spelling and grammar. English is not my first language but I have a Cambridge English degree so mistakes are unacceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
ThorntonMelon Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 We both seem to be getting closer and closer to each other there clearly is a connection between us. other than our two great dates when we had so much fun with each other theres nothing else. have been already on two dates. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I texted her, complimenting her pics and we had a nice flirty chat I am really looking forward to be worthy for her You're a very thoughtful guy. I'd guess that your feelings are well ahead of hers. Just understand she's not approaching this the way you are. She's not posting on message boards about you and probably isn't planning a third date (though I don't know that), and the real lesson from this is how you can more properly manage your feelings so that they match better with those you're getting to know. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Hahahaha you did realize the mistype. Actually when we talked about it, it wasnt about her place in particular, my place would have worked just as fine. What we meant was just having a nice dinner at home, in our comfort zone, being ourselves. By the way cooking is my hobby and I love to have friends and get them to try my recipes haha While an at home date to show off your cooking talents may have been in your comfort zone, having a relative stranger (which is what you still are after only 2 dates) alone in a house is the exact opposite of comfortable for many women. Seriously if you are dying to show off your talents plan a public picnic. If you also like the other girl from class, multi-date & stop putting so much pressure on yourself or the relationship with the med student. It's too early for anything other than easy fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 Men like us tend to do this just normal but again I have to agree with you 100%, that if they are so deeply involved in you they will think twice and find the time to be with you. Because that's how I feel and I would make the time even when busy I find the time to reach out. I've been with some women that turn off their cell or the battery goes dead okay. No problem. No matter how long you with her shouldn't matter if you stop contacting her she would go bonkers on you. So it works the same for her as well as you. But some women might not know what they say and do might bother us men. If you talk to them about it and teach them the correct way to function, I am sure they get the message next time around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted October 31, 2017 Share Posted October 31, 2017 So you've only seen her twice, you don't want to rush things, you understand how someone in medical school can be busy, but... you still feel worthless that she doesn't prioritize you over studying? It sounds like you're contradicting yourself. You've only met this girl for two dates, or "interviews" as you call them. It doesn't sound like you're expecting things to be as slow-paced at all. She told you she'd let you know when she had the time, so I think you just have to let her do that. She doesn't owe you anything more than that. If you want to make it work, I would be careful not to act too "attached" to this person too soon because it may scare her off. It sounds like you may headed down that path considering it bothered you to the point that had you had to start thread about it. Don't overthink. If it happens, it happens. If not, take it with a grain of salt. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Archibald Salisbury Posted November 1, 2017 Author Share Posted November 1, 2017 Listen, you think I find it normal that im writing about my feelings to complete strangers under a fake name? And who knows, maybe she is posting threads as well, its not that I would tell anyone about it, as I said, even my name is a pseudonym. But I have to express myself, I have to come out and I do need people who listen! If I keep everything inside, my mind is going to savagely consume me! Who else can I talk to? Im a guy, I cant be like ; Mom I found this great girl im into. bla bla; That would be such a weak move, thats not even an option. My friends are a bunch of a-holes, all they care about is sex and hoes. They are so dumb they think with their balls. Look what they say, : How was your date, did you bone her? .. Im like, what went wrong with you? The only person I should be talking is my sister, but GUESS WHAT! She is too busy!!! She doesent even text me because she has her god damn high school exams! See? I am alone, in a foreign country, with absolutely nobody! Thanks to you people, i can help myself by coming out and communicating. And about me just starting feelings too fast, I already posted a thread about that topic, its called Sense of inferiority something, its about the same girl and about our first date. If youd like you can check it. But yeah, thank you, youve done more for me than my very own sister. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Listen, you think I find it normal that im writing about my feelings to complete strangers under a fake name? Who else can I talk to? Im a guy, I cant be like ; Mom I found this great girl im into. bla bla; That would be such a weak move, thats not even an option. The isolation people feel anymore is what created many forums like this. So no I don't think it's that odd that you are asking Qs here when you feel like you have no one else to turn to, especially if you are alone in a foreign country. Everybody here is posting under a fake name. Get real I think it would not be a weak move for you to talk to your mom First, she was a young girl once too who was probably confused about certain things while your father was courting her. Second several people on here, me included are old enough to be your mom so you are getting the wisdom of experience anyway. We are not your peers. Third, expecting to get wisdom & insight from your HS aged sister is probably not realistic. Yes, she can tell you what contemporary girls may like but she doesn't have enough life experience to be a font of wisdom. All of that leads me back to my original advice: power down. Multi-date. Stop inserting yourself into a home environment too early. Have fun! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kk1234 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Thing is I can clearly understand that someone is really busy in medical school, much busier than someone like me who studies molecular life science. Anyways I sometimes I cant keep myself from feeling worthless when people tell me theyre busy and cant spare time for me. I feel and down. If I really like someone I would find the time no matter what. I would tell them, maybe not this day but on this other day would be better. I can safely say that dating anyone in medicine is hard and confusing, and certainly not for everyone (maybe not even me?).I'm currently in a relationship with someone studying 5th year medicine.When we first started dating I had to plan our dates at least a week in advance, and everything depended (and still does) on his schedule.I didn't think too much of it at first, but overtime it has become a bigger issue for me.I'm lucky to see my boyfriend once a week, usually on a Saturday night for a few hours.If not on Saturday it's spread across three days for maybe an hour or so. There had also been a few occasions earlier on where he'd forgotten he'd made plans with me or someone else, and I hadn't seen him for more than two weeks. This has stopped, but trust me when I say this is normal, they have a lot going on in their heads. It doesn't sound like she's not interested, but truthfully this is how a lot of medical students are. You will never be their first priority although they might be yours no matter what stage you're at in the dating scene. Their social life isn't that high up on the ladder either, I waited 7 hours for a reply back from my boyfriend today who is currently preparing for exams. You sound like a genuinely nice person (and hey I cooked for him at mine on the third date too ), but if you're wanting someone that has even a bit of time to spare you, she's probably not something I would pursue.I sometimes wish someone had told me what it was like to date someone absorbed in the world of medicine, it's tough and at times very lonely.I don't speak for all medical students, but this is my experience.An online blogger who had once dated a doctor described trying to accept his brutal hours perfectly: "I am trying to conform myself to his needs, his life, and am suffering in the process".I know these are early days, but her current schedule should be an indication of what it will be like if things were to get serious.Most medical students don't date.Being in this circle a little while now, I know a fair few in their late twenties who've slept around but who've never been in a relationship before.If they are in a relationship, they're usually dating other medical students, nurses or academics because they can often relate to their hours of work and study. Like you, I've also been unhappy when people have turned me down to hang out in the past,especially my boyfriend, but I don't think this is an insecurity issue. I've also come to accept (for now), that some people cannot offer me as much time as I do them.I don't know if this is the healthiest option, but I've always been a pretty giving person and I can choose if this changes too. If the inbalance in my relationship continues, I can end it and find someone who can offer me the time I can offer them. For now I'm keeping a positive mindset and hoping that my relationship with my boyfriend may change. In regards to your feelings, my boyfriend started to fall for me on the second date, but I started to fall for him on the 5th or 6th.I cancelled the second date and re-scheduled a bit later on. He later admitted he hung in there because he had a good feeling about me, even though it was obvious that I wasn't too keen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Rule of thumb..... your expectations come first. If they don't have time for you, then you won't be wasting anymore of your time on them and move on, it's as simple as that. You focus your energy on meeting someone who meets your expectations......and why wouldn't you? right? We are so inundated with people panicking over someone they had a couple of dates with on this site. I'm guessing people don't want to fail, or be rejected. When in reality, you would be rejecting them when you start looking for someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
snowbird7 Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 Smackie, I totally agree. Yeah, I'm new here, but I have noticed a lot of people here seem to act sooo serious over someone they've dated like once or twice, or even have yet to meet in person. It's almost comical. I agree that your expectations have to come first, and the whole point of dating is to find someone who lives up to those expectations. Otherwise, what's the point? So you shouldn't hesistate to drop someone once it becomes obvious they're not the one. In fact, in the case of a total jerk off like the one described here, I would even try to have a little fun with it. I remember when I used to date, there was nothing more satisfying than putting some douche bag in his place! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted November 1, 2017 Share Posted November 1, 2017 I checked your history, if I understand this well there is 1 month between date 1 and 2? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Archibald Salisbury Posted November 8, 2017 Author Share Posted November 8, 2017 Gaeta, yes, there was almost 1 month between date 1 and two and I think it will be another month till date 3, if there is gonna be one at all. Been a couple of weeks now, havent texted her at all, had my own stuff to do, been busy. Had to concentrate on my studies, my workout and my other friends. So.. have totally ignored her and I can feel that I am slowly forgetting her. Maybe next week Im just gonna text her like: Yo stranger, remember me? , smth like that, or do nothing and diss her 100% which doesent sound much like me but who knows. I will probably ask her out again and if she says no, she will be missing out, not me. I feel almost complete with what I do and the life I have, even though I am often alone. I find it important for people not to confuse loneliness with solitude. Yep I am a lone wolf, but better be a lone wolf and true to myself than a sheep that follows the herd to the slaughterhouse. So, stay fresh, stay healthy, Peace. Link to post Share on other sites
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