Best way to handle being strung along?

[Mjm1014]

Just wondering what the consensus is for handling being strung along? Say you've been going out for a month with someone, but it seems like they put less and less effort in, start to act flakey, and don't seem as engaged, but yet still text and call to keep you on the hook? Do you have a talk with them, do you go ice cold in return, or do you keep things rolling and hope their behavior changes? I find myself in this situation a lot (usually because I unintentionally over persue-but hey I can't help who I like)... just wondering because once again I'm in this situation.

 

I know people will say, date more people and not just her, but that isn't my style. I like getting to know one person at a time and quite frankly I don't have time to play the dating game with multiple people since I'm a busy guy.

 

--------situation for those interested in reading--------

 

Met a girl on bumble a little over a month ago. We've gone out about 7-8 times and overall it moved very quickly for the first two weeks maybe more. She seemed so excited and genuinely seemed very interested. It seemed like she couldn't get enough of me because she always wanted to get together.

 

About two weeks ago I noticed she backed way off, less texting, and not acting flirty at all..our conversations were very dry. Plans that she previously made with me she broke, and twice she left me hanging when I asked her to hang out-then flat out forgot to let me know. One night at the bar about a week ago, I brought all this up with her and she got really upset with me, and just told me her guard is up.

 

Since then she calls and texts me (as if she's just checking up on me), but doesn't seem to want to get together. She's going to a Halloween party at a night club tonight (I was previously invited but all of a sudden it turned into a girls night out)..and for the next two weeks we won't be able to see each other since she's going on a trip...she keeps telling me "I think we need time apart, absense makes the heart grow fonder" and keeps stressing that her "guard is just up very high" which I feel is just an excuse. I really don't understand why she keeps telling me that.

 

I've basically stopped calling and texting her all together and she's asked me a few times if I'm okay...no I'm not okay (haven't told her yet)...I feel strung along and feel like I'm wasting precious time on someone that isn't taking me serious. I just don't even know how to handle this because I do like her but I don't want to push her away bringing it up.

 

FYI a possibility her ex is going to the night club tonight...she told me previously when I was actually invited that he might be there (wanted to give me a heads up). Idk how I always find myself in these situations

Edited October 28, 2017 by Mjm1014

[ThorntonMelon]

I would tell her youve enjoyed getting to know her and it looks like you are looking for different things and wish her luck.

 

Its not possible to push someone away that is not interested. Just let her go.

[Cookiesandough]

just say "bye, felicia/felipe" in your head and delete/block and carry on henceforth. No need to tell them anything or put any more thought into it. Just oust timewasters. Make sure you block because chances are they will come back when they're bored af or all out of options at the time and you 1)confuse it with genuine interest or 2)feel bad for ignoring them

 

Best way to handle being strung along is to cut that string and move on

[smackie9]

If it doesn't feel right then it's not....walk away.

[rightondude]

dude I'm there with you. Its hard to give up on something you think might end up being worthwhile ... if you just stick it out, maybe it comes up roses. Maybe the switch flips and she gets it and gets back into you.

 

I guess, if I'm like you (and I am!) I weigh my alternatives and let that decide if I keep going along with it. Don't let it let you miss out on anything better, but keep it going. Once a better option comes along, go for it. After all, never hurts to practice, right?

 

that's my plan. don't know if it's the right one, but it's what I plan on going with. Let me know how it goes for you.

[Highndry]

Show up at the Halloween party - with another woman.

[Nadine123]

just say "bye, felicia/felipe" in your head and delete/block and carry on henceforth. No need to tell them anything or put any more thought into it. Just oust timewasters. Make sure you block because chances are they will come back when they're bored af or all out of options at the time and you 1)confuse it with genuine interest or 2)feel bad for ignoring them

 

Best way to handle being strung along is to cut that string and move on

 

I definitely agree with this one.

[act00]

Let me say, I feel your pain and I understand your conundrum. You're really into her, and she's tossing you some crumbs that keep you hopeful, so you don't want to say anything that permanently closes that door that at some point, things could turn out super great. If you make any complaints or ultimatums, that door could potentially close, permanently. I've done it, and will probably do it again...though I'm hoping I stop because it's a sh*tty place to be.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder? Her guard is up? Why? The signs are not good, but the string-along keeps you hopeful. She's not invested. She's keeping you hooked up on the back burner, and you are not her priority in any way, shape, or form. Maybe later...maybe. How will later be any different than today? If it's not working now, I don't know that it will work later.

 

But we hope.

 

If you want to wait it out, that's fine, but understand how painful this will be, and be willing to accept it. Do not stop pursuing your personal interests, friends, or dating other women "just in case" this girl comes around. Don't invest too much more emotional energy into this non-relationship. You'll give up the ghost when you're ready. Maybe she'll come around; likely she will not.

 

While I don't think it was a good idea to try to have a relationship talk at a bar, her reaction was not that of someone who is interested in changing her behavior and how to manage a relationship with someone she is genuinely interested in growing a relationship with.

 

The best solution is to just accept that this is going nowhere and move on. If she asks if everything is okay, tell her it's not, and why. You'll get your answer, which is likely not what you want to hear, but at least you can move on. If you don't want to hear it, and you want to keep yourself hopeful she'll come around, keep up doing what you're doing and accept the fact that you are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt. She probably isn't going to change her mind.

[OatsAndHall]

Not only is she stringing you along, she gas-lit you when you approached her about the situation. You have every right to be upset if she has been cancelling plans and turning it back around on you isn't acceptable.

 

It's time to move on.

[GemmaUK]

You say you find yourself in this situation a lot.

But also that you unintentionally over pursue.

 

Sounds like that is why this happens.

When someone becomes aware of being over pursued they will back off if they are not on the same page or not yet even reached the chapter you are at yet.

 

This is about making sure that this new dating relationship doesn't start to take over their life.

 

I like space between dates, time to think about how things are going but I can get swept up and realise I have to tone things down.

 

She is either backing off so that she is able to have an equilibrium between her life and dating you or she is pulling right away and planning on quitting it.

 

She has already said you need to spend some time apart which is healthy this early on so I would say she is re-setting her boundaries most likely.

She said her ex would be at the party but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get back with him, she may have chosen not to invite you because things were all going way too fast.

 

If you have a date set up then see how it goes and how things are face to face.

[phineas]

ignore her unless she is asking to come over for a booty call.

this chick is no longer worth your time.

[spiderowl]

She's not interested. You can keep in touch with her as a friend but forget any idea of dating her. Go out and meet others instead.

[kendahke]

I know people will say, date more people and not just her, but that isn't my style.

 

If you won't change your style, then you need to learn to get used to how you're being treated by her because she's not going to change what she's doing--it's clear she doesn't care enough, so why are you sticking around?

 

This has gone as far as it's going to go. You're at the stage where weak foundational relationships begin to fail. Time to crack open bumble or tumblr and find someone new.

[Mjm1014]

Thanks everyone for the great (and respectful) responses. I realize it's basically over with her..I think.

 

Yesterday I ignored her all day because I've been legitimately upset...stupid me fell for the trap again. She texted me late last night saying she really missed me a lot and asked if I would come to the Halloween party (originally invited but then she said it was going to be a girls night)..anyways I showed up for a bit and we hit it off. Met lots of her friends (who all had their guys with them), and her best friend in particular pulled me aside and told me she's heard a lot of great things about me and that she really likes me.

 

About an hour later she became cold/distant again with me. She didn't say two words on our car ride home. She ended up spending the night (no sex-she wouldn't even kiss me or show any affection). Had another talk with her this morning and she's saying she's still confused and she's frustrated feeling the way she is. She said her feelings were much stronger when we first met, but she thinks I'm an amazing guy so she's confused. She went on to say she thinks her going away this week will give her time to reflect and once again said "absence makes the heart grow stronger" nonsense and she doesn't want to call it quits just yet.

 

Ive decided to pull the rip cord on this girl and just move on. Tired of being tossed around. Thanks again everyone.

[basil67]

I agree with Gemma that if this is something that keeps happening to you, then you'd be wise to look at your own choices.

 

You don't need to multi date. But learning to spot signs of someone being disinterested or flaky is crucial. Most of all, if the words and actions don't match, give more weight to the actions.

[kendahke]

Ive decided to pull the rip cord on this girl and just move on. Tired of being tossed around.

 

Well done. For future reference:

 

she's saying she's still confused

 

That's code for "there's another guy I'd rather be with, but he isn't acting right right now, so I'm marking time with you; in case things with him don't play out, I'm not alone during the holidays."

 

She went on to say she thinks her going away this week will give her time to reflect and once again said "absence makes the heart grow stronger" nonsense and she doesn't want to call it quits just yet.

 

She's going to go meet dude this weekend and in case that doesn't pan out, she still has the holidays covered.

[gpete3008]

Man, that stinks. It seems you might be getting strung along pretty badly. That's a tough one...

 

To answer your last question...the one where you ask why this always happens to you...have you considered maybe Bumble isn't the best place for meeting that special person you want to have a long-lasting relationship with? Your dream girl is out there, and you seem like the kind of guy that wants to find someone who will appreciate the fact you are pouring your heart and soul into the relationship. That type of person will not be found on a "hook-up" app. That type of girl is too good for that.

[Mjm1014]

Ive been seeing this girl about a month...at the beginning things really took off between us, constant texting/calls, flirting with each other, amazing dates, and she seemed head over heals for me. I must admit, I kept in way too much contact and prob went a little overboard at times..

 

About a week or two ago she started distancing herself from me. I heard from her a lot less, not flirty at all, and when I was with her I could tell she really didn't want to kiss. She even came off flakey a few times when I asked her to get together-giving me the "I'll let you know" response (she never did). I must stress, this seemed to happen almost overnight..she went from being super hot to going ice cold on me.

 

Anyways I brought all this up with her and she's basically telling me she does like me still but she doesn't know why her "feelings aren't as strong" as they once were. She swears another guy isn't in the picture, and claims she has no idea why she's feeling this way. She is going away for a wedding for the next week, and keeps telling me she needs this time to reflect and "absence makes the heart grow stronger." I just feel kinda drained wondering right now. I feel and have been feeling like I'm in limbo with her.

 

Odd thing is, today she posted a picture of us together on her Facebook-if that even means anything.

 

She just seems very confused. She keeps stressing that I really should give her time, and she's confident this will work. I do know she has had a horrible past with men (one died, other cheated) so maybe her guard is up? If I ignore her for a few hours she goes crazy telling me she misses me, and starts texting me more but as soon as I reach out she goes back to being cold. I hate games I'm just sick of this and trying to figure out why she's acting this way. Idk what to do

 

Should I even bother giving this another week while she figures out her feelings? Personally I don't, but when I tell her that she says I'm being dramatic lol

Edited October 31, 2017 by Mjm1014

[JEG88]

It's barely been a month dude, back off the desperation a bit. Feelings flame out early on when dating all the time, and it's impossible for anyone on here to say exactly why.

 

Maybe she's thinking you're longer-term and is reconciling her baggage from past relationships.

[Cookiesandough]

You were too clingy and she lost interest. I don't think it can be recified at this point. Don't feel too bad about this though because the truth is there was an asmmetry in the interest to begin with. If you both were equally interested in each other it would probably have taken a lot more for you to seem clingy.

[Mjm1014]

It's barely been a month dude, back off the desperation a bit. Feelings flame out early on when dating all the time, and it's impossible for anyone on here to say exactly why.

 

Maybe she's thinking you're longer-term and is reconciling her baggage from past relationships.

 

Thanks for the response..I know I came off a little strong at the beginning, but I couldn't help it when she was coming onto me just as strong. It went from 100% hot and heavy to like 10%...I just don't know if it's worth my time dating someone that isn't sure or me. I feel like it's kinda an excuse to keep me as a backup or something possibly?

[JEG88]

Thanks for the response..I know I came off a little strong at the beginning, but I couldn't help it when she was coming onto me just as strong. It went from 100% hot and heavy to like 10%...I just don't know if it's worth my time dating someone that isn't sure or me. I feel like it's kinda an excuse to keep me as a backup or something possibly?

 

Maybe. In the same vein, it has only been a month so you shouldn't feel any obligation to try to make this work. Not with this kind of drama and stress.

 

Plenty of fish in the sea and all.

[kassy]

Honestly, it sounds like it's dead in the water to me.

 

I've struggled with different relationships before and I can say being in an amazing one now, the beginning should be easy. This is just drama. Sounds like her conversations with her friends would be "he's nice, and so into me, but I'm just not sure I'm that into him. But he's a good guy so I think I should give it a bit more time to see if I can like him instead of the idiots I usually date".

 

I'd bail.

[dumbass2]

I know it's not your style, but she may have her eyes on someone else. I'd say this far in you shouldn't be having these problems. She's backing off and you have no choice but to do the same. Let her come chase you if you want, but I'd stop contacting or just tell her that you're not confused and feel that you two are just not a good match. I read in your other thread where all of the sudden she invited you to a Halloween party and was fine with her friends around and then zero, nothing from her on the way home and over night. That's just not right at all. Don't put up with this "confusion" crap. Probably someone else in the picture. Take control and don't be strung along.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I experienced something similar in the past. It had been a month or two, when all of a sudden my attraction towards the guy I was seeing just disappeared over night. It felt awful.

 

Up until that point things had been going well, so it was difficult to understand what had happened. I wanted some time to try and figure it out, but I couldn't hide the way I was feeling, and I accepted that there was no going back.

 

I'm sorry to say it, but I'm getting the same vibe here, and if you already feel it happening, it isn't your imagination. Shame on her for making you think otherwise. Her actions speak volumes to how she is feeling.

 

It is up to you how you handle this, but just remember that you also have a choice to end things if it doesn't feel right.