Is She Testing Me?

[lakerman34]

So, I met this girl on Tinder.

 

We both are VERY upfront with our intentions -- not looking for anything too serious, but if something serious comes of it, so be it.

 

We go for beers. Hit it off RIGHT away, we go back to her place and sleep together.

 

I'm thinking "cool. She's cool, sex is good, awesome."

 

We meet up three more times. We text incessantly, a lot of it is sexual, but a lot of it is relationship-y. It's VERY clear that we like each other beyond a "casual sex" context. She even gives me spare key to her apartment.

 

Anyways, she tells me she has a bunch of undergrad friends coming over this weekend, so we met up Thursday night.

 

Friday night she goes out with her friends, during the day she doesn't text me at all.

 

I say, "girl, send me a pic of your Halloween get-up." She does.

 

Then, at night, she starts texting me. Her texts are very short, and it seems like she has a bit of an attitude. It's not "light and fun" like it usually is, but it's more "annoyed and withdrawn."

 

I don't make a big deal about it, I just tell her, "well, I'm off to bed, night, girl." Which she responds, "night."

 

I actually had a date with ANOTHER girl tonight, but I canceled because I'm starting to get some feelings. I was thinking about having the exclusive talk (but I'm not ready to say I'm in a relationship -- is that OK?) next time I see her (probably next week).

 

Is this just some sort of test she's putting me on? I feel like this happens from time to time, going from VERY hot and interested to withdrawn and bored. What's going on?

Edited October 28, 2017 by lakerman34

[meeji]

I wouldn't say this woman is testing you. You guys have a clear agreement that this is a casual thing.

 

You can't expect her to act like your girlfriend when she's just a casual lay from Tinder. It sounds like you've changed your mind about what you're looking for. If so, you should talk to her about it.

[1966Seahorse]

Hi lakerman34,

 

You say:-

 

"...We both are VERY upfront with our intentions -- not looking for anything too serious, but if something serious comes of it, so be it..."

 

Well, this is a good start - you both know things are casual from the start,

with no expectations

 

"... We meet up three more times ... She even gives me a spare key to her apartment..."

 

So - after 4 dates she gives you a key to her apartment? I am going off thread here but this is CRAZY - how can anyone give someone a key to their place after 4 dates - she doesn't know who she is giving keys to!!!! This is no reflection on you, lakerman!

 

You go on to say you are getting feelings for her ... but you both agreed at the outset to keep things casual ... after 4 dates it maybe a little quick to want to become exclusive and perhaps she has picked up on your vibes and maybe it's all going a little too fast for her, and not the casual she was initially looking for?

 

I am a bit confused as to how you say you want to have the "exclusive" talk but at the same time aren't ready to say you are in a relationship - is this not a contradiction?

 

I personally don't see any "test" going on at the moment ... just maybe a conflict of what each of you really wants at the moment.

 

I wish you well!

[TheWoman]

She might have PMT or be hungover after a big night, or she might be going off you. Only way to know is give it a bit more time. And be reciprocal, if her texts are cooler, make sure yours are too. Respond in kind, its not game playing, its self respect, which is attractive.

[TheWoman]

One more thing, have you been calling her 'girl' from the beginning? Is she ok with it? When men call me girl, hon, babe, doll etc it is sooooo off putting, so patronizing, i really dislike it.

[elaine567]

One more thing, have you been calling her 'girl' from the beginning? Is she ok with it? When men call me girl, hon, babe, doll etc it is sooooo off putting, so patronizing, i really dislike it.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

Agreed.

[Gaeta]

You had an agreement it was only to be casual & sexual.

 

You are the one derogating from your agreement.

 

She is different because she can sense you are getting attached so she's withdrawing.

 

When you're looking for casual & sexual that's what you get. People will have fun with you till it's not fun anymore.

[lakerman34]

I don't think that's it, honestly.

 

I sense she is getting attached, too (maybe she's trying to DEtach because of it?) Also, I'm certain she's also having fun.

[lakerman34]

One more thing, have you been calling her 'girl' from the beginning? Is she ok with it? When men call me girl, hon, babe, doll etc it is sooooo off putting, so patronizing, i really dislike it.

 

I find that most women I say it to don't mind. It's usually playful, and I only really talk that way w/ women that I'm close with or already have a playful banter with.

 

I also realize that I also probably get away with a lot because I'm physically attractive.

Edited October 28, 2017 by lakerman34

[Gaeta]

I don't think that's it, honestly.

 

I sense she is getting attached, too (maybe she's trying to DEtach because of it?) Also, I'm certain she's also having fun.

 

* She wanted only casual and sex

* She is now trying to get detached

 

How is that different? When people tell you they only want casual and sex beleive them. They will do everything necessary for it to remain casual & sex and that's what she is doing, you can call it 'detaching' herself or getting you to detach yourself, the result is the same.

[d0nnivain]

You can't judge much by text. It's missing all the non verbal cues that make up 90% of communication. So whatever you are thinking stop.

 

When you see her again, ask if she had fun with her friends. You actually don't know that one of them didn't piss her off making her short with you.

 

Anyway, if you want to talk about changing the rules since you are catching feelings, talk to her.

[act00]

I have to agree with Gaeta, but at the same time, this lady also stated she was open to being more serious and exclusive if things went well and they hit it off well...see where it goes. Her giving up her key seems to fall in line with that notion, so it seems a little hot-cold right now. She could have invited OP to join, but it might be a little too early to blend right now, even if the goal of the relationship was more serious. What concerns me is the sudden cold and aloof. The short texts may just be she's busy and can't communicate to the same level, but I also feel like she's not portraying this guy as "her guy," and wants to remain single. She's partying with her friends and she wants to keep her options open, and doesn't need to portray there's a guy in the picture (boyfriend or potential boyfriend). Maintaining this contact feels a little "ball and chain" to her right now...of course when there's nothing else to do, she's a constant texter and gives up lots of attention. There are mixed signals.

 

OP, you shouldn't have cancelled that date, though at the same time, if you're ready to make that leap, best not to lead on someone else, so opportunity lost or wise choice? I don't know. You've made a choice that you'd like to move it to the next level with this woman, but you have not had any type of discussion on your "girl's" feelings and where she wants to go. The key and communication suggest more...the sudden cold and aloof suggests she's not interested. I think it might be worth your time to see how things play out over the next week. It's a painful existence to be important one minute and pretty much ignored the next when she has "other things to do," and this is not someplace you want to exist. It might be a good idea just to see where her head is at and go from there. If you express your desire to move to the next level, and she's not on board, you will risk losing her all together. If you decide to put in some more time on the "casual," continue seeking something more serious and don't cancel any more dates.

 

YOU need to decide what YOU want. Do you want serious or not? You walked into this relationship on the notion of "casual but maybe more"...now you want the "maybe more." If your ultimate goal is more, you need to seek people of like mind. It always starts casual with no promises of weddings and babies, but the common goal is serious relationship. Casual is casual, and FWB is FWB...and lots of these fail because one person develops feelings and wants more, and the other just wants to get laid. You can't walk into a casual fling and expect the other person to be on board when you change your mind...and this goes both ways.

[coolheadal]

Tinder woman is not like a regular girl you date. She's after a good time out and just maybe she' fornicate with you or not. You have develop The Florence Nightingale effect, but your the not the patient in this situation she's not interested in more and doesn't seem to care about it. Stop holding on without a chance it would turn into a full relationship. She might have someone else she's seeing or dating..

[smackie9]

It was a weekend with her buddies....SHE'S BUSY. Learn to give people space. I bet money on it once her friends are gone, her focus will be back on you. Don't sweat it.

[lakerman34]

I texted her saying, "dang girl, you're so sassy since last night, I'm kind of getting turned on."

 

She responds, "you know I'm sassy, I tone it down sometimes though."

I tell her, "well, you know I like that good girl, bad girl thing you've got going."

She responded with an emoji with the tongue sticking out.

 

I tell her, "I'm making my own kimchi! Want me to bring some over?"

She responds, "yes please! But be prepared for me to judge your kimchi making skills heavily."

 

It seems a lot more flirtatious again. I think it was just something else going on.

 

PHEW!

[phineas]

Too much texting.

plus you are starting to get feelings so you need to TALK to her about what you want.

 

whether it scares her off or not doesn't really matter because the way you are acting will drive her off eventually.

[lakerman34]

Too much texting.

plus you are starting to get feelings so you need to TALK to her about what you want.

 

whether it scares her off or not doesn't really matter because the way you are acting will drive her off eventually.

 

....she just asked me to come over tonight.

[JamesDaniels123]

My initial thought was that perhaps she saw / slept with someone else on her night out and feels guilty / uncomfortable talking to you right after. You're not exclusive, remember.

[lakerman34]

My initial thought was that perhaps she saw / slept with someone else on her night out and feels guilty / uncomfortable talking to you right after. You're not exclusive, remember.

 

Nah. The friends thing was legit. I actually met them prior to leaving her house.

 

Anyways, went to her house last night, didn't have sex. Had sex 4 times this morning, ended up staying at her house all day (she even made me breakfast). We should pictures of family members to each other and told stories. Yeah, it's starting to feel relationship-y...

[Cookiesandough]

Maybe intiate the talk soon

Edited October 30, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[lakerman34]

Maybe intiate the talk soon

 

Ah, it's too soon.

 

I don't want to be in a relationship with her yet.

 

I tend to move slowly. This is going fast, but it feels good.

 

The exclusive talk may happen in the next couple of weeks, but the "I want to be your boyfriend, I want you to be my girlfriend" talk is going to take a few months for me.

 

There is another girl that I am interested in, and she may be reciprocating that interest. She may be more of a "take things slow" type of girl, which I'm more congruent with.

[lakerman34]

Everything was going great.

 

I even posted on here in another thread where everyone said, "time to have exclusivity talk."

 

We met on Tinder. Went for beers. She walked me to her home that same night. We had sex.

 

We saw each other a few more times after that. Had dinner together once. She gave me a spare key to her apartment. She tells me she LOVES the sex. We're texting incessantly. This past Sunday morning, she made me breakfast. I shared pictures of my family with her. She shared her greatest insecurities to me. We laud at how everything is just unfolding so easily.

 

Saturday night, I went to her place. We cuddled and slept. No sex. Next day, I thought I was going to leave at 10AM. Ended up staying all day (breakfast, sex, stayed til 4PM).

 

Monday, no message, which is fine.

 

Tuesday, she texts me asking about STD testing because "whoops! That's important and I forgot."

 

My mistake: I ask her if she's sleeping with anyone else. She's polyamorous.

 

She says no. Are you?

 

I respond: "No. Full disclosure, I had a date Saturday night, but canceled. My needs are being met. I don't want to sleep with anyone else, and honestly, I don't really want you to either. Is that cool?"

 

Opened up a HUGE bag of worms.

 

She ended the conversation saying, "you've taken 7 months off my life! I need time to process this, but it isn't very appealing."

 

I told her to "take her time." This was last night (Tuesday night). It is now Wednesday night, haven't heard from her yet.

 

We are scheduled for a date tomorrow night.

 

This might be over.

 

[Cookiesandough]

I guess the lesson to be learned is not to date someone who is polyamorous with the intention to turn it into a monogamous relationship. It's a waste of everyone's time. Polyamorous I think means likes to sleep around

[Highndry]

I ask her if she's sleeping with anyone else. She's polyamorous.

 

She says no. Are you?

 

I respond: "No. Full disclosure, I had a date Saturday night, but canceled. My needs are being met. I don't want to sleep with anyone else, and honestly, I don't really want you to either. Is that cool?"

 

Brother, please! THAT'S how you asked her to be exclusive? You essentially just told her that the entire time you have been seeing her you've been wanting to see other people.

 

I disagree with others, she's not mad because he wants to be exclusive, she's mad because of the date he mentioned.

Edited November 2, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Shortened quote ~6

[Highndry]

I guess the lesson to be learned is not to date someone who is polyamorous with the intention to turn it into a monogamous relationship. It's a waste of everyone's time. Polyamorous I think means likes to sleep around

 

I disagree here. I think she's mad about him dating others. She's not been sleeping with anybody else.

 

That being said, I think the appropriate way to handle things would have been a face to face where he laid it on the line and said "Baby, I think you're beautiful and I have really developed feelings for you. I want you to be mine all mine, but if that's a problem for you I'd like you to tell me so I can figure out what I need to do."