lastonestanding Posted October 27, 2017 Share Posted October 27, 2017 I recently got out of a relationship (about 2 months ago) and have a huge crush on a really close friend of mine. Problem is, he just started dating someone (of course...). I know I can't really do anything to "fix" that, but I need to figure out how to not go crazy. I am attempting to date, but under it all, I want to be with him. He has expressed interest in dating, but doesn't want to be a rebound. But I drive myself crazy with thoughts of them evolving into a long term thing, falling in love, etc in the meantime. I need some perspective! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Timing is everything in life. Not much you can do. I'm not one who believes in flirting or inserting myself into other relationships. I would find something else to do and reconsider the idea of dating, if/when he is single again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I agree with the above, don't do anything to ruin their relationship just as you wouldn't want someone to do the same to you. In the meantime, work on yourself, take up new hobbies, focus on work, go out with friends... just don't hang around waiting for him to become single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lastonestanding Posted October 28, 2017 Author Share Posted October 28, 2017 I am not going to try and do something to their relationship. That was my point in saying I know there's no way to fix it, to make it how I want it to be. I just can't mentally get past it. I have hobbies, I am busy, but this just sits in the background all the time. Also hard since we're also friends and talk every day and hang out often. Link to post Share on other sites
Steve51 Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 As I posted somewhere else, I had a crush on the sister of my friend when I was 14 but she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend, an 18 year old one. We never seemed to be free to date each other and she went off to college and I went off to war. When I got out of the Army at the age of 20 I met my wife on a train. Three weeks after we were married. I never met her friends and she never met mine. When we got around to talking about best friends and such, I found her that my crush girl was her best friend. Funny that I never met my wife in all those years. My crush came home from college and got engaged to another friend of mine. We visited each other weekly as we were all friends. My crush and I flirted when we could. My wife did not mind but her husband might have. Then she got divorced and moved in with us. She became part of our family and we each saw the other naked or in their underwear at one time or another. One night my crush was complaining about not having sex for the last 8 months and my wife volunteered me. My crush jumped at the chance and she had a very loud and intense orgasm that drew my wife to the bedroom to see who died. That is when I invited my wife to join us. We two were naked and my wife was holding a conversation full clothed. It just seemed weird despite the weird thing I just did. Then I encouraged them to show each other their love and they had sex. Turned out that my crush had a few female lovers in college and my wife was fantasizing about sex with women and women only lately. I think their sexual attraction to each other was why they were good friends since their early teens. The threesome was so good that we had it every night and officially gave our girlfriend her own room in our home. We formed a poly triad that lasted for 30 years. My wife shared my crush with me. It took a long time but I finally got to be with my crush and my wife whom I loved even more. My crush remained part of our sex life even after she got married to a guy she found online who was OK with the arrangement. We just were so attracted to each other that we never wanted to part and the best part was that my wife loved my crush too. We were all supposed to move away to retire but it is a long story as to why she had to bail at the last minute. I always think that perhaps if I dated her in my younger and immature days when I used to have a new girlfriend every few weeks, I would probably not have ended up with her in my life. Life is funny like that. At my age of 66 I can look back and know that it was not only the good things in my life but also the bad that brought me to where I am today and how my life was lived. Just don't dwell on what you cannot have. Instead focus on what you can get and keep moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Chalk it up to bad timing & put some distance between you, him & his new GF. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 I recently got out of a relationship (about 2 months ago) and have a huge crush on a really close friend of mine. Problem is, he just started dating someone (of course...). I know I can't really do anything to "fix" that, but I need to figure out how to not go crazy. I am attempting to date, but under it all, I want to be with him. He has expressed interest in dating, but doesn't want to be a rebound. But I drive myself crazy with thoughts of them evolving into a long term thing, falling in love, etc in the meantime. I need some perspective! The perspective is that you and he are not in a position right now to date because he's begun a new relationship and she doesn't deserve to have it sabotaged by either of you. Go back to being his friend and if you can't find someone suitable to date right now, don't date. Work on getting through the emotional work that the demise of your relationship has left with you. Any relationship you get into right now is a rebound relationship anyway. Learn to be fine being by yourself, out of a relationship, until a better guy comes along or dude's relationship plays out. And for god's sake, don't be that female friend who won't stay in her lane. His new girlfriend doesn't deserve the meddling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 Also hard since we're also friends and talk every day and hang out often. Get used to not doing this anymore because if he's into the new girlfriend, that's who he's going to be spending his free time. You need to take responsibility for what you do that plays into how you're feeling. Cut back on talking to him if the talking makes it more difficult for you to back off these feelings you say you can't help having. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 28, 2017 Share Posted October 28, 2017 As I posted somewhere else,. that is non sequitur to OP's situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lastonestanding Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 The perspective is that you and he are not in a position right now to date because he's begun a new relationship and she doesn't deserve to have it sabotaged by either of you. Go back to being his friend and if you can't find someone suitable to date right now, don't date. Work on getting through the emotional work that the demise of your relationship has left with you. Any relationship you get into right now is a rebound relationship anyway. Learn to be fine being by yourself, out of a relationship, until a better guy comes along or dude's relationship plays out. And for god's sake, don't be that female friend who won't stay in her lane. His new girlfriend doesn't deserve the meddling. I'm fine with the end of my relationship and my friend and I have done alright being friends in the last month, although my jealousy comes and goes. Mostly ok when I'm with him, and there when he's with her. Let me reemphasize that I am not going to do anything to try and get in the way. I just wish it would play out. And that drives me crazy at times. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 I'm fine with the end of my relationship and my friend and I have done alright being friends in the last month, although my jealousy comes and goes. Mostly ok when I'm with him, and there when he's with her. Let me reemphasize that I am not going to do anything to try and get in the way. I just wish it would play out. And that drives me crazy at times. I think that if you think this guy maybe more than just a fleeting crush and that it is not just that he's "hot", or that he is unavailable or any other trivial reason, and if you seriously think that he is "the one", then do something about it. All very well to sit back and just wait, but he may in fact end up marrying this girl and then where will you be? Regretting it for the rest of your life maybe... All very well to be oh so moral and hold back, but sometimes opportunities need to be actively pursued and yes others may get hurt but that is life. No-one is married here, there are no kids involved... Of course if you are not that "serious" or you know deep down it would never work, then leave him alone. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 I think that if you think this guy maybe more than just a fleeting crush and that it is not just that he's "hot", or that he is unavailable or any other trivial reason, and if you seriously think that he is "the one", then do something about it. All very well to sit back and just wait, but he may in fact end up marrying this girl and then where will you be? Regretting it for the rest of your life maybe... All very well to be oh so moral and hold back, but sometimes opportunities need to be actively pursued and yes others may get hurt but that is life. No-one is married here, there are no kids involved... Of course if you are not that "serious" or you know deep down it would never work, then leave him alone. So, interfere and break up his relationship with this girl because he may marry her someday? Get him to cheat? Is that it? Why should his girlfriend have to be subjected to this level of selfishness when she did nothing to deserve it? Link to post Share on other sites
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