He's broke, with a capital 'B!'

[meeji]

I want to get some opinions from the audience here. I met a guy online, we exchanged a few emails and decided to meet. We had lunch and he asked if we could split the check, sure. We had drinks after and we split that check. We had coffee at Starbucks and I went straight to the counter and ordered my stuff with card in hand. I'm more of the traditional type and I feel that guys should pay on the first date at least. The following dates can be flexible.

 

We got to talking and he tells me he's taking an online course to get a real estate license, he's managing an Airbnb for someone (on a trial basis- without pay during the trial run), he's driving for lyft and uber (which is his main source of income now). He recently moved his stuff into storage and is staying with this brother/wife and 2 children until he gets his own place.

 

He applied for an apartment but they took too long to approve him before he had to move out of the place he was renting. Turns out his application got denied so he's still looking. I've been on 2 dates with him so far. The second he did pay for after learning my feelings about the topic. We've talked a lot about things and I see potential there. I asked him how long he thinks it would take him to get his act together. He said 3 months, to get a real job, find a place and get his finances back in order.

 

At first, I was like "oh, absolutely not!." I turned down his request for date #2 because it was just too much. I'm looking for a stable guy interested in long-term. I've since decided to give him an opportunity to clean up the mess. I said that I would continue to date him BUT that I would not be able to progress into an exclusive (bf/gf/only seeing each other) anything with him until I saw stability on his end. If he can get it together in the 3 month window and we're both still interested by then, I would be open to dating exclusively. Right now though, no. He wanted me to clarify whether or not I'll be seeing other guys in the meantime. I said absolutely!

 

He should be happy that I am being so understanding about this setbacks and willing to see him despite those factors. I have a good job, my own place, and car that's paid off, I travel often and I don't need anyone to take care of me. I do need to be able to view my partner as my equal though. If he's not bringing this A game then I can't work with that.

 

What do you guys think about this? A I being too lenient on this guy? Should I be running for the hills? Do you think that you could see yourself dating someone who was broke?

[Highndry]

If I were him, I'd say "thanks, but no thanks!"

 

That being said, I question why somebody who is broke is going out to eat, drinking Starbucks, etc. It seems completely irresponsible to me.

[Cookiesandough]

 

At first, I was like "oh, absolutely not!." I turned down his request for date #2 because it was just too much. I'm looking for a stable guy interested in long-term. I've since decided to give him an opportunity to clean up the mess. I said that I would continue to date him BUT that I would not be able to progress into an exclusive (bf/gf/only seeing each other) anything with him until I saw stability on his end. If he can get it together in the 3 month window and we're both still interested by then, I would be open to dating exclusively. Right now though, no. He wanted me to clarify whether or not I'll be seeing other guys in the meantime. I said absolutely!

 

?

Well there you go. He has no money. Give him 3 months. Until then, keep your options open see if anyone piques your interest more. . Let's be honest here, he's probably hot or you would not be entertaining this, so why not just enjoy his company.

[meeji]

If I were him, I'd say "thanks, but no thanks!"

 

That being said, I question why somebody who is broke is going out to eat, drinking Starbucks, etc. It seems completely irresponsible to me.

 

Why do you think I should be exclusive with someone who doesn't have their **** together? Would you stop dating if you met a woman you liked but she had some issues that she needed to be worked out? I doubt it.

[d0nnivain]

I admire his industriousness. He's taking a course to better himself & get a source of income. Meanwhile he's doing what he can to earn money.

 

 

When I met my husband he was close to broke. He was in sales working on commission in a down market & delivering newspapers to make ends meet. He was also going to college PT on line. Uber/Lyft didn't exist then but if they had knowing my husband he would have been driving for them too, giving himself 3 jobs plus school. It was that work ethic I admired. My finances could more then make up for his limited funds.

 

 

After he graduated he landed an awesome government job that he loves, is making good steady money & providing all of our benefits.

 

 

So many of my friends thought like you & recommended that I dump him because he wasn't on top of the world at the time I met him. I'm so glad I didn't listen to any of them. He's always been an amazing guy, & he now has a better job then most of them.

 

 

You should probably let him be free to date a woman who is more appreciative of the efforts he is making. Your 3 month time line is unrealistic. Even if he gets his real estate license next week it's highly unlikely that he'll be able to obtain a listing & sell it for commission in such a short time.

[Highndry]

Why do you think I should be exclusive with someone who doesn't have their **** together? Would you stop dating if you met a woman you liked but she had some issues that she needed to be worked out? I doubt it.

 

You aren't even dating and you're setting conditions, wanting to see change... please....

[meeji]

Well there you go. He has no money. Give him 3 months. Until then, keep your options open see if anyone piques your interest more. . Let's be honest here, he's probably hot or you would not be entertaining this, so why not just enjoy his company.

 

I wouldn't say that he's hot. He's actually quite nerdy It has nothing to do with this looks. I liked the fact that he was open and honest with me about what's going on in his life. I'm sure he was a bit embarrassed to lay those cards out on the table but I think he did it because is actually interested in connecting with me. I see several qualities in him that could make him a quality partner. That's the reason I changed my mind about it.

 

Financial problems can happen to anyone and they don't last forever... unless you're not motivated to fix the problem. I think it's fair to give him chance. If he's not making moves then I know he's not serious about his personal goals and I'll be moving on.

[Highndry]

I admire his industriousness. He's taking a course to better himself & get a source of income. Meanwhile he's doing what he can to earn money.

 

 

When I met my husband he was close to broke. He was in sales working on commission in a down market & delivering newspapers to make ends meet. He was also going to college PT on line. Uber/Lyft didn't exist then but if they had knowing my husband he would have been driving for them too, giving himself 3 jobs plus school. It was that work ethic I admired. My finances could more then make up for his limited funds.

 

 

After he graduated he landed an awesome government job that he loves, is making good steady money & providing all of our benefits.

 

 

So many of my friends thought like you & recommended that I dump him because he wasn't on top of the world at the time I met him. I'm so glad I didn't listen to any of them. He's always been an amazing guy, & he now has a better job then most of them.

 

 

You should probably let him be free to date a woman who is more appreciative of the efforts he is making. Your 3 month time line is unrealistic. Even if he gets his real estate license next week it's highly unlikely that he'll be able to obtain a listing & sell it for commission in such a short time.

 

Bless you. You are a true woman, a real catch, the kind I hope to meet one day.

[meeji]

You aren't even dating and you're setting conditions, wanting to see change... please....

 

Please !..

 

This man is essentially homeless. He should want those things for himself, whether he's dating or not. I am telling him what I need to have a relationship with him. If he doesn't have and will not have these things in the near future there will be no relationship between us.

 

Having a place to live, a steady flow of income to pay your bills are 2 very basic things that everyone should have. You make it sound like I'm asking for something unreasonable. Don't you have standards?

[Cookiesandough]

I wouldn't say that he's hot. He's actually quite nerdy It has nothing to do with this looks. I liked the fact that he was open and honest with me about what's going on in his life. I'm sure he was a bit embarrassed to lay those cards out on the table but I think he did it because is actually interested in connecting with me. I see several qualities in him that could make him a quality partner. That's the reason I changed my mind about it.

 

Financial problems can happen to anyone and they don't last forever... unless you're not motivated to fix the problem. I think it's fair to give him chance. If he's not making moves then I know he's not serious about his personal goals and I'll be moving on.

 

I believe if there is attraction they should be given a chance. There comes a point where practicality overrides it. But I think when that time comes, he will naturally lose your attraction to him. Right now you seem to be attracted to him, but unsure, and he seems to like you and knows the score(youre not exclusive)... so date him!

[meeji]

I admire his industriousness. He's taking a course to better himself & get a source of income. Meanwhile he's doing what he can to earn money.

 

 

When I met my husband he was close to broke. He was in sales working on commission in a down market & delivering newspapers to make ends meet. He was also going to college PT on line. Uber/Lyft didn't exist then but if they had knowing my husband he would have been driving for them too, giving himself 3 jobs plus school. It was that work ethic I admired. My finances could more then make up for his limited funds.

 

 

After he graduated he landed an awesome government job that he loves, is making good steady money & providing all of our benefits.

 

 

So many of my friends thought like you & recommended that I dump him because he wasn't on top of the world at the time I met him. I'm so glad I didn't listen to any of them. He's always been an amazing guy, & he now has a better job then most of them.

 

 

You should probably let him be free to date a woman who is more appreciative of the efforts he is making. Your 3 month time line is unrealistic. Even if he gets his real estate license next week it's highly unlikely that he'll be able to obtain a listing & sell it for commission in such a short time.

 

Thought like me? I'm thinking like you.. I'm giving this guy a chance like you gave your husband. Like I said in one of my comments i changed my mind because I saw potential.

 

Your husband had his necessities covered but wasn't making much money. There's a difference between that and someone who has nothing. 3 months is enough time to save up for a place. While it might not be the best job, he could find something paying minimum wage at least to save up something while he's staying with his family.

 

If he can work it out I'm more than happy to date him.

[Coffeeguy]

 

Having a place to live, a steady flow of income to pay your bills are 2 very basic things that everyone should have. You make it sound like I'm asking for something unreasonable. Don't you have standards?

 

Should but in reality, it doesn't work that way. It's especially true for my generation of gen X. Most of us have financial issues due to the timing of the housing crisis and recession. I don't know a single person my age who owns a house and isn't in debt to college, etc. I work in IT and even I don't make as much as I should because employers don't want to keep up with inflation.

 

I never liked the idea of judging someone for being broke. I would date the bakery girl, the clerk at the store, etc. knowing full well they don't make a lot. I care about personality, intelligence and compassion. That stuff you can't buy and income has no relevance to it. And as long as someone is at least trying to better themselves, then who am I to judge?

[basil67]

I think it's odd that even though you knew he was broke, you had him pay for you.

 

Be non-exclusive if you want, but if you can't pay your own share while he's getting his life back together then I'm not sure you're the right one for him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Nope. No way. There's a reason he's having all these issues.

 

I met "this guy" once. Googled him. Turns out he was in a slew of legal trouble for a crazed night with his ex-wife/kids that involved a weapon, a car wreck, and lots of threats. (It was in the newspaper). Lost all custody/visitation with his kids.

 

Way too much of a mess for me to be even remotely interested. Not to mention, everything was everyone else's fault.

[Space Ritual]

I've since decided to give him an opportunity to clean up the mess.

 

YOU decided to give him a 2nd chance. Uh yeah you did.

 

Be prepared to go through a ton of frogs before Prince Charming shows up. If stable finances are what you are really concerned about, you will be alone for a long time.

 

Cut to the chase and just require any potential suitors to show you their bank statements. LMFAO!

Get over yourself!

[Highndry]

YOU decided to give him a 2nd chance. Uh yeah you did.

 

Be prepared to go through a ton of frogs before Prince Charming shows up. If stable finances are what you are really concerned about, you will be alone for a long time.

 

Cut to the chase and just require any potential suitors to show you their bank statements. LMFAO!

Get over yourself!

 

I know, right? The poor guy's got 3 jobs and he's not good enough.

[meeji]

Should but in reality, it doesn't work that way. It's especially true for my generation of gen X. Most of us have financial issues due to the timing of the housing crisis and recession. I don't know a single person my age who owns a house and isn't in debt to college, etc. I work in IT and even I don't make as much as I should because employers don't want to keep up with inflation.

 

I never liked the idea of judging someone for being broke. I would date the bakery girl, the clerk at the store, etc. knowing full well they don't make a lot. I care about personality, intelligence and compassion. That stuff you can't buy and income has no relevance to it. And as long as someone is at least trying to better themselves, then who am I to judge?

 

Again, I never said this guy need to make six figures for me to date him. I don't care where he works as long as he is working. The bakery girl and the shop clerks that you would date have jobs. I also am not talking about debt.

 

Living independently at age 30 is not asking for much. I'm not sure why some of you think that this is too much to expect from a boyfriend or girlfriend.

[meeji]

Nope. No way. There's a reason he's having all these issues.

 

I met "this guy" once. Googled him. Turns out he was in a slew of legal trouble for a crazed night with his ex-wife/kids that involved a weapon, a car wreck, and lots of threats. (It was in the newspaper). Lost all custody/visitation with his kids.

 

Way too much of a mess for me to be even remotely interested. Not to mention, everything was everyone else's fault.

 

That's what I'm concerned about. Upon first glance, it sees like it's all coincidence that these things happened which left him down and out. This could be a pattern with him. If we got a place together something like this could impact me greatly, especially if I started a family wit this guy. I figure if it really is due to bad circumstances, he'll be able to work it out.

[meeji]

I know, right? The poor guy's got 3 jobs and he's not good enough.

 

To clarify, he doesn't have 3 jobs.

 

He's doing an online course.

He's driving for lyft/uber, only he hasn't done a shift since we met...

The airbnb is essentially volunteer work. The property owner will not be able to pay him at all until they invest in more property, which isn't around the corner.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

To clarify, he doesn't have 3 jobs.

 

He's doing an online course.

He's driving for lyft/uber, only he hasn't done a shift since we met...

The airbnb is essentially volunteer work. The property owner will not be able to pay him at all until they invest in more property, which isn't around the corner.

 

In other words, this guy can't hold down a stable job. Why?

[Cookiesandough]

ANonline course? as in one? So what's his ultimate career goal

? Because 1 course a semester you're looking at 24 years before he graduates depending on education he's pursuing

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

ANonline course? as in one? So what's his ultimate career goal

? Because 1 course a semester you're looking at 24 years before he graduates depending on education he's pursuing

 

LOL!! I took it to mean some kind of certification or something. Probably a free one from a MOOC. I doubt Uber has any kind of tuition reimbursement program!

[Cookiesandough]

lol that makes more sense

[meeji]

In other words, this guy can't hold down a stable job. Why?

 

He's had some jobs for about a year and half each time. They were contract positions. Aside from that most of his experience is in the food industry. For the past 2 years he was doing freelance work. It just wasn't paying enough so he quit and started with Lyft. I don't know the details but it sees like he hasn't be able to support himself for a while.

 

I don't want to be the girlfriend who has a live-in by who isn't paying rent. He doesn't have a job so he's glued to my couch with a controller in his hands. Driving in my car because his got repoed.

[Coffeeguy]

Again, I never said this guy need to make six figures for me to date him. I don't care where he works as long as he is working. The bakery girl and the shop clerks that you would date have jobs. I also am not talking about debt.

 

Living independently at age 30 is not asking for much. I'm not sure why some of you think that this is too much to expect from a boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

I think I see what you're saying after reading the other comments. It's not the amount of income but why he's in this position to begin with. If that's the case, yeah. Pry a bit.