Text communication standards?

[Cookiesandough]

At the beginning of dating guys usually text daily, if not more. Just a touch based type thing.. If they skip a day without initiating text I assume they are not interested and often block/delete them. I can do this because usually I am seeing many different guys. Same with if they do regularly do not respond within a couple mins I also doubt their interest when I text them ( I realize am very hypocritical about this. Several men have told me after I told them my texting is bad they initially thought I was in a relationship while seeing them) except I usually give them time to respond before blocking. But if it happens more than a couple times resentment grows within me and I decide it's better to not see them.

 

The way I've always seen it is that when guys are interested in the beginning, they text daily and respond within a minute. It's always been this way. So any deviation annoys me a lot. But recent threads have alerted me to games guys plays. Moreover, there are people in the beginning of dating who wait hours for a response regularly (???!!!) or go days without communicating and this is perfectly fine. I had reconnect with guys I've blocked(through incessant deleting/remaking OLD profiles) who seemed really confused why we got out of touch and actually ended up in a very brief relationship with one so I'm aware I might jump the gun/too high maintenance. I'm just curious what is normal. Is there a normal? Thanks

Edited October 25, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Gr8fuln2020]

I find if the communication frequency suddenly and dramatically changes, something is up. Unless there's an explanation, I chalk it up to lack of interest. People who have jobs or other legit obligations may not answer within minutes, but answer they will...and not days later.

 

Normal? Everyone is different. Just need to communicate your needs and vice versa.

[carhill]

Text for me is logistics. I don't chat by text. If I want to talk to a lady I'm interested in I do it in person or by phone. Dictating into or banging on a phone doesn't interest me. Set up a date? Maybe. Confirm one? Sure. Update if things go sideways and not able to speak at the time, yup.

 

As I wander around, I see heads buried in phones so accept that my normal is a bit abnormal these days. Hence I'd expect women to be dissatisfied with this standard. OK.

[GunslingerRoland]

The way I've always seen it is that when guys are interested in the beginning, they text daily and respond within a minute.

 

How do you come to that conclusion if you block every guy that doesn't conform to that?

 

Some people aren't big texters, some people lead busy lives. I don't agree with the game playing, but like you've said, a lot of people will give advise not to respond right away.

 

I think you have to look at the big picture rather than just looking for one thing to go wrong and giving up. If you get along great with someone in person, but they don't text back consistently then maybe keep trying. If you went on a date, where the guy didn't seem that interested, and he doesn't text back then sure, probably time to move on.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Texting is a norm. It is also convenient if you do not want to engage in a conversation and the day is busy. I have learned over the past couple of years that if there is meaningful conversation to be had, then do so on a date or during the evening.

 

I have met only one lady who did not text or feel comfortable with it.

[Cookiesandough]

@gunslingerroland I guess that is true. You should give it time to look at the bigger picture. I just never felt compelled to do it. And you are correct I have no concrete proof of someone doesn't respond within a minute they aren't as interested as someone who does. I think it's just something I've intuitively believed and has been challenged by things I've read here, so I asked this.

 

If someone sharply drops off that's obvious, but I mean in the beginning you're supposed to be very keen I thought

 

Tysm

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I can't text with someone incessantly. I'm busy. If I respond to someone immediately, I get afraid that they will think I actually have loads of time on my hands to just sit there and text all day. Or God forbid, they might want to talk on the phone lol

 

So for me, it's wise to set a standard at the beginning of any relationship (romantic or platonic) that I do not respond that very second and leave some time in between texts because I don't want to spend my life peering into my phone. But, I agree, it is noticeable if a "pattern" changes.

[Mrin]

What is normal? It is all over the board for both sexes. For me I'll text a lot early on when I am getting to know a woman. But once we start dating and move into that more familiar mode I find the all day text chatter to be distracting. If we're actively chatting about a topic then ya - fast responses are the norm. But if it is just banter then I'll often take hours to respond if I am busy. This has been a problem for a few women. But I take my job seriously and unless a topic is being discussed actively then I won't engage in ongoing real time banter during the day or even at night if I am doing something with my girls.

 

It is a MAJOR turn off for me when women get their feelings hurt or get upset because I won't banter real time all day long. In some circumstances I've lost interest in women because of this. I see it as needy and immature. I am attracted to confident women who are perfectly fine with communication coming in spurts (when we both have time) or when the topic warrants it. It isn't the volume or the response interval that matters. It is what is being said that matters to me.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

[Cookiesandough]

What is normal? It is all over the board for both sexes. For me I'll text a lot early on when I am getting to know a woman. But once we start dating and move into that more familiar mode I find the all day text chatter to be distracting. If we're actively chatting about a topic then ya - fast responses are the norm. But if it is just banter then I'll often take hours to respond if I am busy. This has been a problem for a few women. But I take my job seriously and unless a topic is being discussed actively then I won't engage in ongoing real time banter during the day or even at night if I am doing something with my girls.

 

It is a MAJOR turn off for me when women get their feelings hurt or get upset because I won't banter real time all day long. In some circumstances I've lost interest in women because of this. I see it as needy and immature. I am attracted to confident women who are perfectly fine with communication coming in spurts (when we both have time) or when the topic warrants it. It isn't the volume or the response interval that matters. It is what is being said that matters to me.

 

Hope this helps!

 

Mrin

That helps a lot!!! I don't like banter all day long either. I don't respond to texts for at least a day from men often because I'm afraid of being pulled into it. I always try to wrap up a conversation. I think men might be taking cues from my lack of communication? I had a guy tell me he will "get used to my texting habits" (or lackthereof I guess)

 

Do you feel like you do that? Like adapt to the other party's communication behavior?

[Gaeta]

It's normal for me to reply quickly because I have an office job and my phone is next to me. If I don't reply right away to my daughter or my bf they will worry and think I got in accident or something.

 

It's normal for my BF to reply after hours because he works constructions and he cannot hear his phone or even get to his phone for hours. If he doesn't reply to my text for 8 hours it's normal I don't worry.

 

Normal is relative to each person.

[lana-banana]

simpleNfit is 100% correct: there's no such thing as normal, but if the frequency changes suddenly, something is going on. In my experience it always meant a breakup was incoming.

 

When I was dating I did not get into the daily texting until about one or two months in, and even those were maybe one or two messages per day. Eventually you hit a point where you do daily check-ins (consciously or not, you start worrying if you haven't heard from them).

[alphamale]

when it comes to matters of the heart, texting is a very bad way to communicate.

[RecentChange]

At the beginning of dating guys usually text daily, if not more. Just a touch based type thing.. If they skip a day without initiating text I assume they are not interested and often block/delete them. I can do this because usually I am seeing many different guys. Same with if they do regularly do not respond within a couple mins I also doubt their interest when I text them ( I realize am very hypocritical about this. Several men have told me after I told them my texting is bad they initially thought I was in a relationship while seeing them) except I usually give them time to respond before blocking. But if it happens more than a couple times resentment grows within me and I decide it's better to not see them.

 

The way I've always seen it is that when guys are interested in the beginning, they text daily and respond within a minute. It's always been this way. So any deviation annoys me a lot. But recent threads have alerted me to games guys plays. Moreover, there are people in the beginning of dating who wait hours for a response regularly (???!!!) or go days without communicating and this is perfectly fine. I had reconnect with guys I've blocked(through incessant deleting/remaking OLD profiles) who seemed really confused why we got out of touch and actually ended up in a very brief relationship with one so I'm aware I might jump the gun/too high maintenance. I'm just curious what is normal. Is there a normal? Thanks

 

 

Minutes?! You always expect within minutes?

 

Do these men not have careers? Maybe drive cars and don't want to kill someone texting and driving. Ever get busy cooking dinner, or doing some healthy "unplugging"?

 

I think demanding that a guy always JUMP as soon as you feel like sending them a text is highly unreasonable.

 

Adults have busy lives - or at least they should. And not everyone is able to be glued to their phone 24/7 and able to text with in seconds.

 

I think a few hours is reasonable. I personally can't be glued to my phone 24/7, I have other responsibilities to attend to, hobbies that require my attention.

 

To me that is a teen mentality "OMG, he didn't text within 5 mins, he is probably with another girl or doesn't care about me".

 

So where does this behavior get you? All this reactionary responses, deleting, blocking, because they didn't conform to your unspoken expectations?

[Gaeta]

That helps a lot!!! I don't like banter all day long either. I don't respond to texts for at least a day from men often because I'm afraid of being pulled into it. I always try to wrap up a conversation. I think men might be taking cues from my lack of communication? I had a guy tell me he will "get used to my texting habits" (or lackthereof I guess)

 

Do you feel like you do that? Like adapt to the other party's communication behavior?

 

A man should not take cues * you should tell him you don't like texting and explain to him how you want communication to be done between you 2 *

 

My bf hates texting. At the very beginning he text me a 'hello' and when I replied he'd dial me. Last time my bf answered one of my text was July 2016. I would text him something like we're invited over to my brother for dinner, and he'd call me later in the day to reply if he can or cannot attend.

 

I did not get a cue he doesn't like texting, *he explained it to me in details*. He told me I can text him anything, he'll read it, but he won't reply he'll call me later when he can. He hates texting because he's got huge hands, the tip of his fingers are tough and texting is very frustrating he never touches the right buttons.

 

I adapted just fine!

[Cookiesandough]

So, simplenfit says if there is a change in communication it is a foreboding sign. Lana says commutation comes more regularly as the relationship progresses. Mrin says he initially texts a lot but naturally drops his communication as the relationship progresses. Gaeta says no response for 8 hours is not unusual with her bf. So there really isn't a normal.

 

When I start dating again I will probably test this more thoroughly. The thing is what happens is they will skip a day of initiating good morning text/or take a couple hours to reply, then go right back to the regular routine of good morning and lightning fast communication which is very irritating to me cuz I notice patterns w my slight OCD

 

Tysm all

[Cobra_X]

That helps a lot!!! I don't like banter all day long either. I don't respond to texts for at least a day from men often because I'm afraid of being pulled into it. I always try to wrap up a conversation. I think men might be taking cues from my lack of communication? I had a guy tell me he will "get used to my texting habits" (or lackthereof I guess)

Do you feel like you do that? Like adapt to the other party's communication behavior?

 

Cookies... the positive thing is that you are learning and growing. Even asking these questions puts you miles beyond your peers.

 

When someone is slow to respond to you, it is human nature to not enjoy that. It shows that you are not a top priority in their life. That's just a fact. How you respond is up to you.

 

So... guys that are keen on you really fast that you meet online... it means they like your pictures. It doesn't mean that they like you as a person. That will take time to build. So, to my opinion I pay more attention to how someone responds to me after we meet than on the initial contact phase. Once the meet you in person, get a taste for your personality... that's a better indicator of their interest.

 

Otherwise you are just screening for guys whose interest in you is shallow. Again... this is just my opinion.

[Cookiesandough]

Minutes?! You always expect within minutes?

 

Do these men not have careers? Maybe drive cars and don't want to kill someone texting and driving. Ever get busy cooking dinner, or doing some healthy "unplugging"?

 

I think demanding that a guy always JUMP as soon as you feel like sending them a text is highly unreasonable.

 

Adults have busy lives - or at least they should. And not everyone is able to be glued to their phone 24/7 and able to text with in seconds.

 

I think a few hours is reasonable. I personally can't be glued to my phone 24/7, I have other responsibilities to attend to, hobbies that require my attention.

 

To me that is a teen mentality "OMG, he didn't text within 5 mins, he is probably with another girl or doesn't care about me".

 

So where does this behavior get you? All this reactionary responses, deleting, blocking, because they didn't conform to your unspoken expectations?

 

No recent change I don't think they're with another girl lol I just think they lost interest and yes 99% of men respond within minutes, usually seconds. None more than an hour or so and that is usual to the point it irritates me. It's because everyone has their phone with them even at work. I don't text incessantly. I just respond to their texts and might ask a question here and there but I'm not constantly trying to text-chat. I can't stand it.

[Cookiesandough]

Cookies... the positive thing is that you are learning and growing. Even asking these questions puts you miles beyond your peers.

 

When someone is slow to respond to you, it is human nature to not enjoy that. It shows that you are not a top priority in their life. That's just a fact. How you respond is up to you.

 

So... guys that are keen on you really fast that you meet online... it means they like your pictures. It doesn't mean that they like you as a person. That will take time to build. So, to my opinion I pay more attention to how someone responds to me after we meet than on the initial contact phase. Once the meet you in person, get a taste for your personality... that's a better indicator of their interest.

 

Otherwise you are just screening for guys whose interest in you is shallow. Again... this is just my opinion.

 

I don't really consider it dating until after we met.. this is all communication I'm talking after we meet first 1-3 dates cobra. Thanks x

[CptInsano]

Do these men not have careers? Maybe drive cars and don't want to kill someone texting and driving. Ever get busy cooking dinner, or doing some healthy "unplugging"?

[/Quote]

 

I had the same thought. I text during breaks, meaning that I will send something to get back to you, but I won't engage in real conversation until I have some time in the evening.

[coolheadal]

At the beginning of dating guys usually text daily, if not more. Just a touch based type thing.. If they skip a day without initiating text I assume they are not interested and often block/delete them. I can do this because usually I am seeing many different guys. Same with if they do regularly do not respond within a couple mins I also doubt their interest when I text them ( I realize am very hypocritical about this. Several men have told me after I told them my texting is bad they initially thought I was in a relationship while seeing them) except I usually give them time to respond before blocking. But if it happens more than a couple times resentment grows within me and I decide it's better to not see them.

 

The way I've always seen it is that when guys are interested in the beginning, they text daily and respond within a minute. It's always been this way. So any deviation annoys me a lot. But recent threads have alerted me to games guys plays. Moreover, there are people in the beginning of dating who wait hours for a response regularly (???!!!) or go days without communicating and this is perfectly fine. I had reconnect with guys I've blocked(through incessant deleting/remaking OLD profiles) who seemed really confused why we got out of touch and actually ended up in a very brief relationship with one so I'm aware I might jump the gun/too high maintenance. I'm just curious what is normal. Is there a normal? Thanks

 

Wow great minds think alike my dear! I am with you on this 100%! Why because when they text they should continue! No excuse on the planet for them not to continue. I hi send a Good Morning (your name) I expect the same in return. If I send you a Good Night (your name) I expect one back. If nothing comes back I get excuses.

 

1. Feel asleep on the Good Night one Sorry...

2. Was too busy at work didn't see your text until I was ready to leave work.

 

I could go on with the excuse. These from women prior dates. I myself don't like to text and I trying the two thumb method. I am on PC here I don't see app for LS for Android yet. (yeah hint might be time for one)...

 

Anyway I use voice dictation, but friends and women always complain because they don't know what the heck I am saying. I go back and look sure enough the Android dictation is screwed up my words again. Oh well.

 

I rather talk with my voice then to text out things out of my head. But we now live in the age of the cell and it's SMS text is very popular. Your dropping men because you figure they lost interest, your dating others around them or they just don't care about you. To me that's a lot of drama to deal with. You are right to do what you think is best. There is no standard to texting.. You make it up as you go along. Everyone here has their own way to put it! But for me just do it the way you think is right for your lifestyle my dear!

 

See ya later...

[Imajerk17]

It has been said on here many many times before OP, but you do not take responsibility for your expectations, decisions, and actions, many of which are crazy.

 

I often take a lot more than minutes--often hours--to respond back to someone, it's not "game-playing", it is being busy with work, working out, *driving*, ect.

 

If I am doing something that requires my full attention I will not be responding to texts at that time.

 

And, if you don't like to chit-chat over text, then doesn't that contradict the expectation of a response right away. I mean, if the exchange lasts only a couple of texts, then that means one of you stopped responding right away

[RecentChange]

No recent change I don't think they're with another girl lol I just think they lost interest and yes 99% of men respond within minutes, usually seconds. None more than an hour or so and that is usual to the point it irritates me. It's because everyone has their phone with them even at work. I don't text incessantly. I just respond to their texts and might ask a question here and there but I'm not constantly trying to text-chat. I can't stand it.

 

I have my phone at work too.... But it's inappropriate to text during meetings, or allow yourself to be constantly distracted by your phone when you should be productive.

 

I don't text and drive - so people have to wait until I pull over or get to my destination before I respond.

 

I don't text while I am horseback riding in the evenings.

 

I can't text when I am hiking, it's out of reception. I don't text while I am exercising.

 

I often "unplug" in the evening and leave my phone in another room.

 

I guess I am used to busy professionals who really can't text at any given moment at work. "Sorry work was kicking my ass today - just came up for air - what's up?!" Is a common scenerio in my life.

 

How old are most of the men you are dating, and how old are you again? Maybe it's a "youth" vs old fogeys issue in their 30's issue.

 

And you expect them to text back immediately, but like to play a get and make them wait for responses - do I have that right?

[Cookiesandough]

Thanks al!!! I love your posts. Great minds do think alike I figured from your posts you do voice dictation. Great tool. Been on that voice dictation time since I got my phone and never looked back. I don't even feel awkward people overhear me say "thanks period exclamation mark" anymore lol

It has been said on here many many times before OP, but you do not take responsibility for your expectations, decisions, and actions, many of which are crazy.

 

I often take a lot more than minutes--often hours--to respond back to someone, it's not "game-playing", it is being busy with work, working out, *driving*, ect.

 

And, if you don't like to chit-chat over text then doesn't that contradict the expectation of a response right away. I mean, if the exchange lasts only a couple of texts that means one of you stopped responding right away

 

Yes he'll say "morning! How are you?" then I'll wait a few hours (excusable because I might not be awake) because I don't feel like being dragged into a long convo

 

Mid afternoon . Ill say "hey! How's your day?"

 

They will immediately respond" good i just did blah blah blah. What are you up to?"

 

 

That's usually where I cut the convo short because I didn't do **** lol

 

I get there's a double standard here but it's not my behavior I'm confused about, just theirs! Just wondering what kind of communication ought to be expected or the limit until it's a red flag

 

And I've never said I'm the pinnacle of dating and everyone should aspire to be like me but I do try to take accountability and fix what I can. You have given me solid advice albeit a bit critical tone but I understand and I do take note and change my behavior to have better results

[knabe]

simpleNfit is 100% correct: there's no such thing as normal, but if the frequency changes suddenly, something is going on. In my experience it always meant a breakup was incoming.

 

When I was dating I did not get into the daily texting until about one or two months in, and even those were maybe one or two messages per day. Eventually you hit a point where you do daily check-ins (consciously or not, you start worrying if you haven't heard from them).

 

This. Everyone has their own pattern. Once you get an idea of that pattern, any big deviation probably means something. If they are a text every day or so here and there type, that is how it will be. So if two days go by....that's just who they are. If 4 or 5 days go by...yeah, that probably means something.

 

My latest dating was in a different age demographic than the OP (I am 50-ish). I found that the men I dated texted occasionally in the beginning with increasing frequency as things progressed. I am kind of the same way. The more the investment, the more communication.

[Imajerk17]

I find if the communication frequency suddenly and dramatically changes, something is up. Unless there's an explanation, I chalk it up to lack of interest. People who have jobs or other legit obligations may not answer within minutes, but answer they will...and not days later.

 

Normal? Everyone is different. Just need to communicate your needs and vice versa.

 

Yes indeed, this is very true and not mentioned enough. Great point. She takes hours to respond her answers are shorter/more prosaic but it was like this from the beginning = no big deal. She takes hours to respond her answers are shorter/more prosaic but she used to respond with minutes with these long-winded texts that had lots of smileys and exclamation points = something is up/she lost interest.

Edited October 25, 2017 by Imajerk17