Breaking up with someone with bad anxiety/depression

[SwiftKytori]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post on this forum but I need some advice - I feel like there aren't many places for me to turn. Let me explain.

 

I've been dating a girl with anxiety for the past 2 years now. I'm 29 so by no means is this one of my earlier relationships - at this point I want to find someone and settle. When we started going out it was great - she is a very kind person, we share a lot of interests, and she had a way to make me feel special.

 

Over the past few years I've started to feel however that while spending time with her is nice, it just won't work for me in the long term. Best way to explain it is that when it's me and her in an isolated "bubble" (like at her place, or taking a weekend away together) then things are easy, and enjoyable. However things start to become difficult whenever other people are involved. She avoids social situations, can be quite emotional and occasionally embarrassing, and drinks quite a lot - more than I'm comfortable with (she says it helps her anxiety go away, which I don't think is healthy). I can't stress enough how much of a lovely person she is - she's helped me through a very rough stage of my life recently and she's going through a few hardships of her own, including a mother whose in hospital and a lack of general income due to being on ESA and not having a job.

 

But all of this combined, she is incredibly clingy - I usually don't mind this but she literally cries every time I leave, will not let me sit next to anyone else in a busy room, constantly tells me we belong together and we should move in already, but the reality is I'm just not ready for it. As lovely as she is - from anxiety or otherwise she doesn't have a job or any real career prospects (I am continuously lending/giving her money), she is unable to cook, clean or drive and most of her time is spent in bed, either playing games or sleeping.

 

The short of it is that I want to be with someone who is a lot more independent, while feeling guilty for thinking all this, given I know she has bad anxiety. But at the same time I can't express these feelings to her. We've had comparatively small disagreements in the past that have sent her into actual panic attacks. And she keeps going on about how I'm literally the only thing keeping her going and the only good thing in her life right now. This seriously worries me, as I have recently lost a family member to suicide and while it might sound like a long shot, I am absolutely terrified of pushing her over the edge when she makes comments like that.

 

How do I approach this?? I feel like I can't carry on with it much longer, but with Christmas coming up and increased pressure from friends and family (who mostly all see this as a bad thing for me) I just feel like I need to be kind to her and get it out instead of letting it drag on.

 

Thanks,

Dan

[basil67]

Dan, you've listed a heap of good reasons to leave. And no good reasons to stay.

 

My ex-h cut his wrists after I left (not fatally). I knew he was at risk when I left and felt bad when it happened, but came to realise that I'm not responsible for his mental health. Staying out of pity or other notion about having to care for him would have been unfair to both of us.

 

You too have good reason to worry about her mental health, so make sure you let her best friend know what's going on. Hand the baton to someone else. But please don't stay out of obligation.

[kassy]

Dan that's a crap situation. But she sounds like a bit of a mess, and you need to get out of there. Also without you, she may end up actually getting herself sorted (she might not but it's probably more likely).

 

Ok so breaking up with her, I don't know how well you know her friends and mum or siblings. But if they are good people and care about her and you trust to have her best interest at heart you may want to tell one or two of them that you are going to break up with her and are worried how she will take it and really would like them to be able to be there for her.

 

That strategy really makes sense only if she has good people around her who you can talk to about her.

 

If not then just do it, and do it kindly but without any uncertainty. (You sound like a very kind person so I think that's covered).

 

I personally would do it in a public but private space like in a park or something other people around but not too close they can overhear you. But that might not be best, just what I think I would do.

 

Best of luck. Be firm. Don't get guilted into staying.

[SwiftKytori]

Thanks for the advice so far guys. I definitely agree with the idea of letting her friends know. She lives with another guy she moved in with recently (she lives the other end of the country from me and needed someone to share the price of rent with) but he's a very kind person who we've both known for a while now. He also has anxiety so perhaps he will understand, and definitely be the best person to comfort her.

 

I'm leaning towards making a trip up there soon and just breaking it to her in person. She doesn't do phonecalls and I couldn't bring myself to do it over text.

 

Thanks for the support guys. Just hearing some of these thoughts from other people makes me feel less guilty about it - I know deep down that it would be better in the long term for both of it. I just know she will resist with as much as she can, and while I don't want to give her false hope or drag it out, I also don't feel good telling her out of the blue, as I'm worried it will give her trust issues in future relationships ("my last ex seemed happy but then walked out one day", etc).

[basil67]

I think you're heading in the right direction. Just make sure you don't stay in her life as a friend. She may beg for it, but it will only prevent her from moving on.

[kassy]

You sound like a really nice caring guy. Agree with the above poster. When you break up with her let her know that while you care about her you can't be friends as it will just make it more difficult for both of you to move on. Tell her you will be going no contact and unfriending her from Facebook etc etc.

Just so it doesn't come as a shock to her and she knows why you are doing it.

 

I have no doubt she will try and contact you but just make it clear it's over and stay firm

 

Great about her flatmate. He sounds like the perfect person to give the heads up to.

[act00]

You are not responsible for her mental health or her actions. It sounds like she is self-aware of her issues and has done very little to make a positive change, and this is a very big part of your need to leave her. You can't allow yourself to take the blame if she does something rash.

 

In a later post you states she lives on the other side of the country, she doesn't drive, doesn't work, and has no motivation other than you moving her into your place so she can maintain this lifestyle and get a free ride...and she also doesn't talk on the phone. Your original post sounds like she's a constant fixture and she's local. The reality is you don't see or spend time with her in person often, so your absence won't be a major blow. Maybe your reasons for leaving her will be a wakeup call. I don't know that I would travel across the country for a breakup, but definitely do it over the phone or Skype or something...of course she avoids phone...good luck, work with what you've got.

 

You also state you've been going out 2 years, but then you state over the "past few years," so I'm really lost on the timeline and if you've ever lived in the same area together, if you or she moved, or how you've managed this LDR this whole time, but nothing seems to be working towards moving together. She can function without you. She's doing it now.

[nicole17]

Im going to be different here and ask if you have talked about her anxiety with her and considered the possibility of her getting help for her illness. This is a lot like what I'm going through except our relationship didn't last nearly as long and I'm a little more outgoing than she is, but I became a handful and was drinking a lot and now I'm on here trying to figure out how I can recover what I've lost... Sometimes when we deal with these things we don't realize exactly what we're doing until it is brought to our attention, and nothing hurts worse than someone leaving you because of something you didn't realize you even needed help for. That being said, I do agree that you are not responsible for her, and if she is aware of what she is doing and she is not getting help then you unfortunately have every reason to leave. I would tell people around her to make sure everyone is aware of what's happening and make sure she has a support system. She won't handle it well but you have to do what's best for you. Best of luck.

[SwiftKytori]

Thanks for the alternative view Nicole, it's always good to hear both sides!

 

In response, yeah we have talked about these things - she is very open about the anxiety thing and I talk to her a lot about it. Usually I try to be supportive but there are also times when I've given her a blunt opinion for various reasons (she wasn't taking her pills, she would drink more than she could handle and get emotional, etc). I've also told her how I feel about spending all day in bed - I have a full time job and I've tried to encourage her to look for work as well, even though she says she physically can't. She's waiting for a doctor to tell her she's fit to work, but at the same time she doesn't actively seek an opinion, she just waits. And she already knows how I feel about the distance thing - she knows I am a lot better at dealing with being apart, motivating myself to do other things and so on. Usually we do talk about it, we just agree to disagree.

[GoreSP]

Well most people have said it right. You are not responsible for her mental health and it certainly looks like she needs to get her sh.t together. Nothing forces you to salvage the relationship at this point if you don't feel like you are getting anything out of it.

 

There is just one detail in your post that stood out for me and it's this:

 

she's helped me through a very rough stage of my life recently and she's going through a few hardships of her own

 

Now I'm not saying you should rethink your position on the relationship but think about it for your next relationship because it kind of looks like she was there for you when you needed it and you are ready to bolt as soon as her condition is too much trouble for you. After all, you have been with her for two years. Why hasn't this been an issue before?

 

I'm just pointing it out because this looks like a pattern (giving up when relationships become too much trouble)

Keep in mind that no one is perfect. the next person you are with might not be dealing with anxiety but there will certainly be other things about this person you could easily rationalize into reasons for ending a relationships.

[SwiftKytori]

A good point there, thanks GoreSP. On that last comment, the reason I have been with her for 2 years and not really questioned it until recently is that I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, and trying to be with her and support her, as couples do. I'm very aware that she has done a lot to help me, but at the same time I think I've given it more than enough time to decide that this is something that will make me happy in the long run, which in turn will affect her.

 

On the flip side of things, of course she's shared my hardships as well, but I am still primarily the giver in the relationship - travelling to her, spending the money, cooking and cleaning up after her, while holding out a 9-5 job she doesn't have. I know she's struggling with work cause of her anxiety and I know she's not the most independent of people, but I also don't think it's wrong to want these things in a person, even though they've helped you out in their own way in the past.

 

EDIT: Anxiety or no, the only thing that's really driving me away is being with somebody that, while lovely in so many ways, is extremely dependent and cannot/does not really look after herself. I know she can't help it in some ways, but that just sadly means we aren't compatible in the long term.

Edited October 25, 2017 by SwiftKytori

[nicole17]

You are an extremely kind person for trying as long as you have. Someone who doesn't want to get better will only drag you down and it's definitely a good thing that you are considering everything and realizing that this is something you can't live with long term. Mental illness is tricky and it sucks but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I'm sure you've realized that. Like I said I'd make sure she has a support system and then end it respectfully. And don't try to be friends, she most likely won't move on. Hopefully in hindsight she'll understand why you had to move on with your life and maybe it will be a wake up call for her.

[SwiftKytori]

Thank you Nicole! I agree with your logic there, as sad as it is in reality. She's had a few breakups like this from the sound of it, and while I don't want to add to the list I like to think that if she can recover from them, she can recover from this. I'll probably try to find the best time/place and try to break it to her firmly but gently.

[GoreSP]

A good point there, thanks GoreSP. On that last comment, the reason I have been with her for 2 years and not really questioned it until recently is that I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, and trying to be with her and support her, as couples do. I'm very aware that she has done a lot to help me, but at the same time I think I've given it more than enough time to decide that this is something that will make me happy in the long run, which in turn will affect her.

 

On the flip side of things, of course she's shared my hardships as well, but I am still primarily the giver in the relationship - travelling to her, spending the money, cooking and cleaning up after her, while holding out a 9-5 job she doesn't have. I know she's struggling with work cause of her anxiety and I know she's not the most independent of people, but I also don't think it's wrong to want these things in a person, even though they've helped you out in their own way in the past.

 

EDIT: Anxiety or no, the only thing that's really driving me away is being with somebody that, while lovely in so many ways, is extremely dependent and cannot/does not really look after herself. I know she can't help it in some ways, but that just sadly means we aren't compatible in the long term.

 

You certainly do not need to justify yourself! I understand dealing with someone like this is frustrating and exhausting.

And it's not true she can't help it. In fact she needs to help it.

I have been living with anxiety for 25 years and I've thankfully been able to keep my head above water most of that time but it required work on my part...

 

Anyhow, good luck with whatever choice you make and I hope it all ends up in the best way possible for both of you.

[Space Ritual]

(posting as someone who suffers from severe anxiety.)

 

I also am posting from the perspective that assumes her issues have gone mostly untreated.

 

Just be sure that you can handle the fallout when it happens. Because as much as you hope there isn't going to be, there will certainly be more than you think.

 

Making a clean break with someone who is not suffering from anxiety or depression is hard enough as it is. You are in a no win situation as far as she is concerned.

 

If indeed you do break up with her, please dedicate yourself to going total no contact with her. You will probably won't get anywhere with the "It's not you, it's me" routine if you go that route. She will already be quite sure it is her, and as a result may lash out at you strongly.

 

Remaining in any kind of contact with her after the deed is done will be counterproductive and seen by her as patronizing and cruel.

 

 

I sure do not envy you one bit. You are in an untenable position and will come out looking poorly by some regardless of what you do.

 

That being said, try to leave her with some modicum of dignity when you do it.

If her issues are as pronounced as you describe, there probably will be no going back and she will view you with absolute contempt from here on out.

 

I only say these things from the perspective of someone with severe anxiety. I have actually responded well to treatment, as by nature I am a violent person and have done a 180 behavior-wise. If she has had no treatment for it, that is entirely a crapshoot as to how she responds.

 

As another poster said, don't feel guilt ridden about doing it, hard as it may be.

 

I would add that the kindest thing you could do for her once it's done is to erase her from all aspects of your life. That may help her heal a bit faster from the trauma she will experience.

 

Again, I do not envy you one bit. Please be extra mindful of her state of mind when you do the deed.

 

Good Luck.

[SwiftKytori]

Thanks for the reply. To be honest, she does get a lot of treatment already - she sees multiple councellors and has more medication than I can keep track of. But of course, I will be respectful when I do decide to talk to her about it.

 

Something interesting I should add though. Her last ex has depression and couldn't cope with the extra stress of her anxiety, so he broke up with her. From what she's told me she was absolutely devastated, but only a few months later they were still best of friends. Heck, she's had the guy over when I've been there and we've all had a good time together.

 

Not bringing this up to say it's good to stay in touch - I totally agree with cutting all ties once the deed is done, to make it easier for her. But at the same time, part of me is hoping that if she's able to bounce back from a breakup like that one, then perhaps down the line there's a bit of hope for staying friends.

[kendahke]

EDIT: Anxiety or no, the only thing that's really driving me away is being with somebody that, while lovely in so many ways, is extremely dependent and cannot/does not really look after herself. I know she can't help it in some ways, but that just sadly means we aren't compatible in the long term.

 

This is reason enough to end it.

 

Look, you're not married to her, so you're not obligated to stay with her. Besides, she doesn't live anywhere near you, she doesn't have a job and doesn't have a car, so it's not like she's going to show up at your doorstep and make a scene.

 

I take it she's above the age of majority, right? Which means she's going to have to figure out how to support herself and it may take her learning the hard way that drinking to medicate isn't the way to go. Clearly there are programs there set up to help her--she just doesn't want to do it--and you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

 

So how to do it? You're going to have to be firm with her and tell her that things aren't working out for you and it's best that you both go your separate ways. Then block her so that you both can create the distance needed to move on. Yes, it's harsh, but so is living a life of desperation and misery with someone you knew years before you needed to leave, but now you're stuck while she lays in bed all day, the place is dirty, she hasn't taken a bath or brushed her teeth in 2 weeks. You are too young to be saddled down with that.

 

Understand that she may threaten suicide--and if she does, call the police in her area and tell them that she called you threatening suicide and let the police deal with putting in for 24 hour observation; but more than likely, she will say that as a way to manipulate you into giving her her way. She may have mental illness, but she's not stupid.

[Gr8fuln2020]

(posting as someone who suffers from severe anxiety.)

 

I also am posting from the perspective that assumes her issues have gone mostly untreated.

 

Just be sure that you can handle the fallout when it happens. Because as much as you hope there isn't going to be, there will certainly be more than you think.

 

Making a clean break with someone who is not suffering from anxiety or depression is hard enough as it is. You are in a no win situation as far as she is concerned.

 

If indeed you do break up with her, please dedicate yourself to going total no contact with her. You will probably won't get anywhere with the "It's not you, it's me" routine if you go that route. She will already be quite sure it is her, and as a result may lash out at you strongly.

 

Remaining in any kind of contact with her after the deed is done will be counterproductive and seen by her as patronizing and cruel.

 

 

I sure do not envy you one bit. You are in an untenable position and will come out looking poorly by some regardless of what you do.

 

That being said, try to leave her with some modicum of dignity when you do it.

If her issues are as pronounced as you describe, there probably will be no going back and she will view you with absolute contempt from here on out.

 

I only say these things from the perspective of someone with severe anxiety. I have actually responded well to treatment, as by nature I am a violent person and have done a 180 behavior-wise. If she has had no treatment for it, that is entirely a crapshoot as to how she responds.

 

As another poster said, don't feel guilt ridden about doing it, hard as it may be.

 

I would add that the kindest thing you could do for her once it's done is to erase her from all aspects of your life. That may help her heal a bit faster from the trauma she will experience.

 

Again, I do not envy you one bit. Please be extra mindful of her state of mind when you do the deed.

 

Good Luck.

 

Excellent post! Spot on.

[d0nnivain]

I have anxiety & debilitating depression. I can understand how / why she can't get out of bed. The sickest irony is that when depressed people get up & move it lessens their depression

 

 

Her issues are not yours. You tried. You can't hack it. You don't have to saddle yourself to this forever.

 

 

Do break up with her before the middle of November. You can't stick around through the holidays, then you are dealing with Valentine's etc. Now is the sweet spot.

 

 

Be direct & blunt but as kind / respectful as possible without giving false hope. If you are concerned about her mental health give her psychologist a heads up that the break up happened. The doctor can't speak to you but the doctor can listen.

[tart6245]

Reading your post made me feel like I was reading one of mine. My girlfriend is the exact same way and I feel burned out and almost depressed myself. She requires my attention 100% of the time and I feel like I am her emotional crutch. Except mine has gotten so bad that we had the police called on us during a fight where she was convinced I was planning parties without her.

 

 

I love my girlfriend and care about her, but I am close to having to leave her. She has to see me 6-7 days a week. When I do get 1-2 nights to myself, I'm having to constantly talk to her. She's always sad or upset. We've been together a year and 2 months and she wants to move in with me in 3 months and I'm not ready to do that either. I'm also 29.

 

 

Since we met, my girlfriend has stopped seeing her friends and abandoned her activities. When we aren't together, she does nothing but sit in her room at her apartment. Every weekend I have to plan for something for us to do. I haven't been able to see any of my friends without her for a weekend in like 8 months.

 

 

She's seeking treatment now, and she has improved, but she's still very clingy to me and still emotionally dependent and I just feel drained and exhausted. Every day I have to see her, even if for 15 minutes, so she can hold onto me.

 

 

My biggest struggle is that I do care about her, and I know breaking up with her will break her heart and really hurt her. But I also know I am not happy.

[SwiftKytori]

I'm really sorry to hear that that does sound like a rather similar situation to mine, although we don't really actively argue - she's not the jealous type but I do understand the difficulty of not being able to see people without your other half coming along. It's not a bad thing to want to spend time with different people every now and then.

 

I hope it works out for you. Like you, I really do care about my partner so I don't want to break her heart. She's told me multiple times that all her ex's have left her for the same reason and that I'm different....but in reality I feel I can sympathize with them, and it's heartbreaking. I don't want to be the reason she loses all trust in future relationships, she already has enough trust issues with me (constantly needs verifying that I won't leave her).

 

Tough times, best of luck dude.

[TheWoman]

This is not a healthy relationship, you are codependent and enabling her poor behaviour. This is not doing her any favors. A dose of relationship breakup might spur her on to make some positive changes in her life or at the very least seek help. Times of pain and loss are often when we grow the most. The best thing you can do for her is end the relationship and tell her gently the reasons why, for instance 'You are a lovely person and I think a great deal of you but I am not happy in this relationship. I think you need to focus on yourself for a while and get some help with your mental health issues.' You will probably have to go no contact as I expect for some time she will try to get you back. Might be worth telling her up front this is what you intend to do, so there is no 'hope' from her perspective. Unfortunately, I think this is a case of having to be cruel to be kind.

[jennyanydot]

I would agree with most of the posts above that you should break up with her gently, but go no contact afterwards. Don't give her any false hope that she could still get you back and grow dependent on you. If she ever gets cured for her mental anxiety she will realize you have been doing her a big favor not contacting her. Best of luck.

[MajesticUnicorn]

As you have already read, you are not responsible for her mental health. It is clear that you care for this girl, but two years of this kind of behavior is not healthy. You are absolutely in the right for wanting to break things off. You can try to tread cautiously, but at the end of the day this is something that needs to be done, and once broken off, what happens afterwards isn't really any of your concern. I know that sounds harsh, but it is the truth. Absolutely be kind and gentle in the break up, and try to arrange her having friends nearby to help her cope. But don't let the guilt get to you. It needs to be done.

 

I would not advise seeking a friendship with her. Go NC because what you may perceive as friendship, she may see as something more serious. Plus NC is absolutely necessary to get over a relationship. I would also suggest reading about codependency.

 

And for some perspective....

 

I was in a similar type of situation with my first long-term relationship. The difference here being I was the one suffering from anxiety. Granted it was not to that extreme, I still worked and went to classes, etc. but the anxiety and neediness was there nonetheless. Looking back, I realize what a deadbeat girlfriend I was. That break up was one of the hardest I experienced, but I can full heartedly say I am SO thankful he broke up with me, because it gave me the chance to heal on my own and work on my anxiety issues. I'm medication free now and honestly have never been happier and am fully confident in myself and the type of girlfriend I will be in the future.

[Valerie Castro]

Ive been in this place before. She must be going through a lot. Don't leave her at this time in her life. I would suggest going to couples therapy.