Mememe3 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 So, I've always been more attracted to men who are around 8 years older or so. This is because at my age (19) I'm a lot more mature than other people my age. I know what I want, I'm willing to work to get there, I know my values, and I like stability. There are some guys I've crushed on my age, or a couple years older, but something about them is just different and their restlessness is unattractive to me. (My last relationship was with a guy just two weeks older and it was a disaster. He had no idea what he was doing with his life or how to do anything, and he did not want to work.) So now I've found a guy who's 9 years older. He's the sweetest guy I've ever met, has a solid job, knows what he wants, and is just wonderful. But I'm worried about how my parents might react when they know he's 28. I told my sisters and they were kind of weirded out. My older sister not so much (her husband is 4 years older) but my younger sister was beside herself. My parents themselves are 7 years apart. My mom got married when she was 19. When I look around I see a lot of people who have somewhere between 5-10 years between them and there seems to be no problem. When they're like, married and have kids. You see them and you're just like, okay, yeah thats normal. But for some reason when people who know you hear about the age differences, they're all weirded out. I don't understand why it's weird at all, personally. But anyway, so I'm wondering how I tell my parents about him, and make sure they don't freak out. Because I'm 90% sure my mom is going to be freaked out, and especially my dad. Not to mention he's divorced and has two kids. But he's a really great father and gets to see them frequently, so it's not like a bad situation. Can anyone tell me why people are so weirded out by it? And also tell me what I should say to my parents? I want to tell them about him, because I don't want it to be a surprise to them if a situation comes up, ya know? And it usually comes across as a red flag if the kid doesn't tell the parents about their SO. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Your parents probably won't care that he's 28. They are going to be upset that he's divorced with 2 kids. The age gap doesn't bother me so much but the life gap is going to cause problems. As you grow & mature you will probably out pace him. Before you introduce him to mom & dad, assure them you are not on the fast track to become wife # 2 or pump out his 3rd kid. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Your parents probably won't care that he's 28. They are going to be upset that he's divorced with 2 kids. The age gap doesn't bother me so much but the life gap is going to cause problems. As you grow & mature you will probably out pace him. Before you introduce him to mom & dad, assure them you are not on the fast track to become wife # 2 or pump out his 3rd kid. This basically says everything. It's probably not the age difference that's a problem, it's the guy. He comes with a lot of baggage, maybe too much for a 19 year old. I can't really blame your parents if they're not cool with it, but you're an adult now so you can do whatever you want Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You do sound mature for 19. But dating an older guy with two kids is just SO different than dating an older guy with none. You may be the type who can handle it, though. I have one friend who did (and the age gap was WAY bigger than yours) and they are flourishing many years later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mememe3 Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 You're all right definitely. It is a big thing, and I may be in over my head, but I really want to give it a shot. So any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 In part, people are weirded out because it's really unusual for a 28 year old father of two small children to date a 19 year old girl. You are at two very different different stages in life. He has had a serious relationship and he is responsible for two small children. Depending on where you live, you may or may not be able to drink alcohol legally. I understand that you think you are very "mature" now. I understand this because I felt the same when I was your age... With the wisdom of age, you will understand more. The reality is, you are just starting your life. You have so much to learn. You know NOTHING about life's responsibilities and hardships. And finally, the decisions that you make now will change the course of the rest of your life. Chose wisely, my dear. Just my humble opinion, but attaching yourself to a divorced father of two small children at is time of your life is a very poor decision. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You're all right definitely. It is a big thing, and I may be in over my head, but I really want to give it a shot. So any advice? My advice is simply this: Unless you are 100% ok with ALWAYS (ALWAYS!) being second to his children, and NEVER (NEVER!) being first on his list of priorities, don't pursue this relationship. This is harder than it sounds when you're first getting to know someone. And it does NOT make you a bad person if you're not ok with this, since it is not the "normal" progression of life . Very few people actually end up being OK playing second fiddle to children when they could be treated like the number one priority in a childless relationship. It's perfectly OK to not be OK with it. Nobody will think less of you. At 19, you definitely deserve to pursue the exact relationship you want <3. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 (edited) My advice is simply this: Unless you are 100% ok with ALWAYS (ALWAYS!) being second to his children, and NEVER (NEVER!) being first on his list of priorities, don't pursue this relationship. This is harder than it sounds when you're first getting to know someone. And it does NOT make you a bad person if you're not ok with this, since it is not the "normal" progression of life . Very few people actually end up being OK playing second fiddle to children when they could be treated like the number one priority in a childless relationship. It's perfectly OK to not be OK with it. Nobody will think less of you. At 19, you definitely deserve to pursue the exact relationship you want <3. Absolutely. I am dating a man with a child. It's been almost two years and we are not living together yet, for exactly that reason. I can't tell you the number of times that our plans have changed because he needed to be with his son. The kids will always come first. Serious questions - you are 19 years old. Do you want to have your own children? Does he want to have more children? Do you want to share this experience with someone who has already had this experience with another woman? Financially, do you want to start your life with a man who is paying child support for two children? Do you want to be dealing with his ex-wife - because she will be a part of his life for the rest of his life. These are the things that may not look challenging now, but they will be challenging as your relationship progresses. Is this, what you want for your future? Edited October 24, 2017 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You're all right definitely. It is a big thing, and I may be in over my head, but I really want to give it a shot. So any advice? You know, this would be a thing to say to your parents. I think they'd be very reassured to know that you're going in to this with your eyes open and will consider advice. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 You know, this would be a thing to say to your parents. I think they'd be very reassured to know that you're going in to this with your eyes open and will consider advice. EXCELLENT advice! Shows great maturity. Link to post Share on other sites
kazen Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 If I was your father, the age difference would not bother me one bit. But the part about divorced with 2 kids. That one is hard to swallow. But ultimately, I can't tell you want to do so I'll just say I want to meet him. Getting to know him at least will give me some assurance if he's really a nice guy at the same time I can show him my gun collection and this big axe I keep around to hack at things out of anger. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyStrass Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 A big age gap is pretty common, but it is understandable that people (especially parents) can be 'weirded out' by a significant age gap when it's 19 and 28. It's not really the amount of years, but more the life experiences that can be the issue. At 19, you are just starting to figure out life (maybe you're in college, etc) , whereas a 28 year old is well on his way to having a career and knowing what he wants in life (I agree... that is quite attractive!). With all that said, however, it doesn't mean it can't work. I encourage you to think a lot about it - what would it mean for you (giving up some of your young adult experiences, being a mother figure at a young age, etc). Seek out wisdom from people older than you who have more life experience. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 You're all right definitely. It is a big thing, and I may be in over my head, but I really want to give it a shot. So any advice? Like my quote says it's not about the age. But are you ready to become step-mom at 19 of age. Your under 21, so your parents are not going like that he's a daddy with 2 kids already. They expect you to have your own kids and they become grand parents. But again are you ready for all this. Your early adult you need to experience like as early adult. Are you going to give that up too. Then your mindset changes if this doesn't work out you really destroy your own life ways. Most people don't realize what they're getting into with a guy or gal with their own kids in tow. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 As a parent, I would be actively engaged in a concerted and well-planned conspiracy to undermine any relationship with my daughter and a 28-yr old WITH TWO CHILDREN! I would SERIOUSLY point out that she is too young to become a 'parent' (inevitably and to some extent) and involve herself in the drama that will likely ensue with the ex/children. At that age, my daughter will be in school, looking for a job that will lead her towards a more independent lifestyle.... Parent talking.... Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 Mememe3 One of things that you can't see is your own future. In 2 years you will be 21. You may want to go out & party to see what the bar scene is all about. He'll be 30 with 2 kids who need him. Staying out all night isn't all that much fun when you worked all day, had to get dinner on the table for the kids & when your kids have different 9:00 a.m. games the next morning on opposite ends of town & it's your turn to bring the snacks. Right now all you can see is a handsome guy who appears to have his act together. Those adult responsibilities are going to become increasingly less attractive to you as you want to explore the world around you. Your parents may be concerned that you are missing out on a fancy-free part of your life to tie yourself down to him & his kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
minou23 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 As a parent, I would be actively engaged in a concerted and well-planned conspiracy to undermine any relationship with my daughter and a 28-yr old WITH TWO CHILDREN! I would SERIOUSLY point out that she is too young to become a 'parent' (inevitably and to some extent) and involve herself in the drama that will likely ensue with the ex/children. At that age, my daughter will be in school, looking for a job that will lead her towards a more independent lifestyle.... Parent talking.... When I was 18/19 I dated a guy almost twice my age. My family forced me to end it. My brother even sent him a message to stay away and probably threatened him. I was devastated but realized they did my a favor, even though they crossed the line at the same time. I ended up realizing that this guy was so immature for wanting to date such a young girl. I also realized that the saying “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” is true. He was so set in his ways and unwilling to compromise or just not be a stubborn jerk about things. In the end, I’m glad they made me end it because I ended up meeting a guy my age and had a great relationship with him. The funny thing is, now 6 years later, the older guy is one of my really good friends and we hang out often but even he admits a relationship wouldn’t work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 25, 2017 Share Posted October 25, 2017 You are 19, you are an adult, you can date anyone you want basically as long as you are living on your own and supporting yourself, your parents can't do much about it. You are just dating the guy, you are not announcing your engagement. You are thinking way too far ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
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