GF is close friends with guy she used to be in love with. How to broach subject?

[JEG88]

So I just learned that my GF used to be in love with this guy who is now dating her best friend. And that he's the only other guy she's ever loved besides me. She talks to/texts him regularly, because well, he's her BFF's BF. And they've known each other for several years and have been friends.

 

I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but here's the context:

 

We had our first double date with this couple this past weekend, and she couldn't stop looking at him and joking with him during the dinner. I felt like a 4th wheel the whole night, even when I tried making conversation and be involved and take initiative. (I'm not sure how her BFF might feel because I don't really talk to her much.)

 

She even pushed me about whether I liked him after the double date, and didn't really hide the fact that she wants me to be good friends with him. All she can talk about now is setting up double dates with them. This whole thing has me feeling like if I don't discuss this with her now, I might be taking a backseat more often than not during outings and group dates.

 

Any thoughts on how I could best approach discussing this with my GF? Or am I off-base here?

 

I know I've been paranoid about my other topics on here in the past, but I am trying to be calmer about this so honesty and bluntness is much appreciated if I'm being dumb. Thanks in advance.

[kvb92]

Without knowing more details about your relationship, it kind of sounds like she wants to use your relationship to make him jealous.

[Cookiesandough]

So I just learned that my GF used to be in love with this guy who is now dating her best friend. And that he's the only other guy she's ever loved besides me. She talks to/texts him regularly, because well, he's her BFF's BF. And they've known each other for several years and have been friends.

 

I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but here's the context:

 

We had our first double date with this couple this past weekend, and she couldn't stop looking at him and joking with him during the dinner. I felt like a 4th wheel the whole night, even when I tried making conversation and be involved and take initiative. (I'm not sure how her BFF might feel because I don't really talk to her much.)

 

She even pushed me about whether I liked him after the double date, and didn't really hide the fact that she wants me to be good friends with him. All she can talk about now is setting up double dates with them. This whole thing has me feeling like if I don't discuss this with her now, I might be taking a backseat more often than not during outings and group dates.

 

Any thoughts on how I could best approach discussing this with my GF? Or am I off-base here?

 

I know I've been paranoid about my other topics on here in the past, but I am trying to be calmer about this so honesty and bluntness is much appreciated if I'm being dumb. Thanks in advance.

 

totally called this in your last thread where she came to you and told you about this. I don't think you're off base at all. I don't regularly text/talk to my BF's BF who I get with and I don't think that's a normal thing. I say put your guard up OP. I think she's trying to make him jealous. He's her player ex lover. He's not coming to her asking for gift-giving advice, I guarantee you that.

[Coffeeguy]

Oh for crissakes get out now.

 

I can tell you that I am best friends with my ex-wife. I would have no issue with introducing a GF to her only if it is to prove we really are just friends. Besides, if either one of us gave each other those kind of looks, I would be smacked in the head by her if it was me and I would ask her "WTF are you doing?" if it was her.

 

You're on reserve dude. Don't be that.

Edited October 24, 2017 by Coffeeguy
correction

[JEG88]

totally called this in your last thread where she came to you and told you about this. I don't think you're off base at all. I don't regularly text/talk to my BF's BF who I get with and I don't think that's a normal thing. I say put your guard up OP. I think she's trying to make him jealous. He's her player ex lover. He's not coming to her asking for gift-giving advice, I guarantee you that.

 

Sorry I should have clarified, this is a different BFF.

 

So the situation is a little stickier. But now that you mention it, it does just add to the drama and paranoia in my mind...

[Cookiesandough]

I didnt mean to say I used to get with my bff's bf lol im just saying that this is not a common occurrence. It's very fishy. I think you're getting played.

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry I should have clarified, this is a different BFF.

 

So the situation is a little stickier. But now that you mention it, it does just add to the drama and paranoia in my mind...

 

wait it's a different guy too? Or same guy? Their circle really must believe sharing is caring.

[JEG88]

wait it's a different guy too? Or same guy? Their circle really must believe sharing is caring.

 

Yes it's a different guy and a different BFF:

 

Situation 1) BFF #1 is dating one of my GF's exes, the player guy. This was my thread from a week or so ago. My GF doesn't text or talk to this guy at all.

 

Situation 2) BFF #2 is dating the guy my GF used to be in love with, and this thread is about this situation. This is the guy my GF texts and talks to regularly.

 

She has told me that her friends tend to date only within their larger social circle. So to me that just presents more variables that will stay around because they're within that circle.

 

I just didn't think it would be hitting me like this.

[Cookiesandough]

Yes it's a different guy and a different BFF:

 

Situation 1) BFF #1 is dating one of my GF's exes, the player guy. This was my thread from a week or so ago. My GF doesn't text or talk to this guy at all.

 

Situation 2) BFF #2 is dating the guy my GF used to be in love with, and this thread is about this situation. This is the guy my GF texts and talks to regularly.

 

She has told me that her friends tend to date only within their larger social circle. So to me that just presents more variables that will stay around because they're within that circle.

 

I just didn't think it would be hitting me like this.

 

Gotcha. Thanks for clarification. I don't blame you. It wouldn't sit well with me either.

[JEG88]

Oh for crissakes get out now.

 

I can tell you that I am best friends with my ex-wife. I would have no issue with introducing a GF to her only if it is to prove we really are just friends. Besides, if either one of us gave each other those kind of looks, I would be smacked in the head by her if it was me and I would ask her "WTF are you doing?" if it was her.

 

You're on reserve dude. Don't be that.

 

I tried telling myself that my GF was just excited because it was our first double date with them. But the dinner and conversation, combined with how she's pushing me to be friends with this guy, and pushing for more double dates. Just got me thinking now.

 

I don't know, maybe my GF is subconsciously looking to have her cake and eat it too, between me and this guy friend.

 

I know this isn't realistic or advisable, but I wonder what the BFF might think of all this. (Not gonna open that can of worms, just a thought in my head.)

[Marc878]

Too many others out there to stay in something like this.

[phineas]

nope nope nope.

would not even say anything to her.

would just end it or demote her to FWB.

[kassy]

Not sure what's going on here but whatever it is it isn't healthy.

 

Especially if she was in love with him but didn't date him?? Sounds like a mess

[Highndry]

Unless there's children involved, I'm not ok with exes remaining in contact.

[JEG88]

Thanks for the replies all. I don't necessarily want to jump the gun and make assumptions that she still has feelings for him or something. She could have been excited about going on a double date for the first time in forever.

 

Any advice on how to discuss this with her to get some answers from her perspective?

[guest569]

I know this feeling. At the first sign of this crap, I bail. Oh that drama.. never again! Inappropriate!!

[JEG88]

I'm gonna talk to her tonight about it, in a more casual way though. I just want to get her genuine thoughts and feelings on the matter. I like looking into people's eyes to see if I can trust what they at that moment.

 

I'm trying to go into it with giving her the benefit of the doubt, but we shall see.

[Poutrew]

I'm gonna talk to her tonight about it, in a more casual way though. I just want to get her genuine thoughts and feelings on the matter. I like looking into people's eyes to see if I can trust what they at that moment.

 

I'm trying to go into it with giving her the benefit of the doubt, but we shall see.

 

This. The eyes are a literal window to the soul. Never mind what she says with her mouth. Watch the eyes - that will tell you everything you need to know, and I am suspecting you're not going to like what those eyes tell you...

[healing light]

Yep. Look at the body language and eyes. I think she never fell out of love with him. Especially if she's pushing you to accept him so she can see him more. Talking daily? I suspect she still has it for him.

[minou23]

It’s very strange that she doesn’t mind her best friends dating her exes, especially the only other guy she’s ever loved. That would not fly in my friendship circle. So she’s either being fake by staying friends with them or she doesn’t care, which I doubt it’s the latter. I don’t know why she entertains these kinds of friends but it makes me think she has some vindictive or ulterior motive. Or sorry, how old is she and are you guys in high school? Otherwise there’s NO need to date in the “circle.”

[OnlyHonesty]

Thanks for the replies all. I don't necessarily want to jump the gun and make assumptions that she still has feelings for him or something. She could have been excited about going on a double date for the first time in forever.

 

Any advice on how to discuss this with her to get some answers from her perspective?

 

There are assumptions....and then there are just your basic, very simple common sense and logic. You've even used the exact same phrase that YOU yourself suggested was something you may have been telling yourself in the first place.

 

I tried telling myself that my GF was just excited because it was our first double date with them.

 

It looks like you keep on trying to tell yourself what you want to hear...

 

Even if it was all innocent, it's unnecessary drama, and crosses boundaries of basic respect. Personally, I wouldn't be discussing anything...because I'd already be gone.

 

Reverse the situation for a second here. Do you really think she'd stick around if you were doing the same?

Edited October 25, 2017 by OnlyHonesty

[MajesticUnicorn]

How long have you and your gf been dating?

 

How long has it been since she's been "in love" with him?

 

Sounds like she's just using you to make him jealous. And yeah, as a female I don't regularly feel the need to text my best friend's boyfriend....in my opinion that just makes it even weirder. Sure maybe about birthday presents or group plans, but she makes it sound like this sort of communication is normal.

[JEG88]

I talked to my GF about it, and she said she actually played matchmaker for this guy and her BFF. They've been dating for a year now, and seem happy from what I can tell.

 

She says she has no feelings for him and only loves me. I looked her square in the eyes, and in my gut, I believed her words. I can tell when she's lying.

 

But being the paranoid mess I am at this moment about all of this, it just makes me wonder if she has some subconscious feelings towards him. Like she doesn't realize it, and doesn't realize what she does when she's around him. Or maybe she subconsciously regrets playing matchmaker for her BFF and the way she acts is how that manifests.

 

It really also makes me wonder if the BFF recognizes any of this. Not like I can talk to her about it though, anything I say to her would make it back to my GF.

[Gaeta]

I talked to my GF about it, and she said she actually played matchmaker for this guy and her BFF. They've been dating for a year now, and seem happy from what I can tell.

 

She says she has no feelings for him and only loves me. I looked her square in the eyes, and in my gut, I believed her words. I can tell when she's lying.

 

But being the paranoid mess I am at this moment about all of this, it just makes me wonder if she has some subconscious feelings towards him. Like she doesn't realize it, and doesn't realize what she does when she's around him. Or maybe she subconsciously regrets playing matchmaker for her BFF and the way she acts is how that manifests.

 

It really also makes me wonder if the BFF recognizes any of this. Not like I can talk to her about it though, anything I say to her would make it back to my GF.

 

Well, don't start accusing her of things 'she may not be aware of'. Life is confusing enough so for now stick with what you are aware of and observe.

 

If she played match maker I am sure she did it because her feelings for him were resolved. Are you all living in a minuscule town that you've got to date each other's ex! geez.

[JEG88]

Well, don't start accusing her of things 'she may not be aware of'. Life is confusing enough so for now stick with what you are aware of and observe.

 

If she played match maker I am sure she did it because her feelings for him were resolved. Are you all living in a minuscule town that you've got to date each other's ex! geez.

 

I'm in a large metro area. I actually asked her about this, and it sounds like a cultural thing. Most of her circle is the same ethnicity, and it sounds like a lot of her friends settle for whoever is in the extended circle rather than looking elsewhere because of that fact.

 

But about the first part, that's all I feel I can do now really. Just to be more aware of how she interacts with him and do more for her attention to be on me.