MisshapenCloud Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 (edited) Texted a girl I met online for a few weeks, she was patient in meeting up and said she had a cold. I just wanted maybe a dinner date but was totally cool with her taking her time. She asked a few days ago if she could come over and watch a basketball game with me and cuddle but not have sex because she thinks we could have something special and doesn't want it to be just sex. I said sure. Well we were making out and she was on top of me within literally 30 seconds of sitting down. I asked if she wanted to go upstairs. We did, things progressed, and we had sex all night. We were very sweet together, and having just divorced and been through a lot this year, it was really special to me how we were. She expressed to me how special it was to her, as well. I've been trying to make a date since. Last night she explained she's feeling bad about herself having sex so soon and that she needs us to slow down. She said we could text and date "here and there" and she needs us to slow down. When I said we could just chill and watch movies with strictly no sex, she said she thinks if we're alone together then she'll end up having sex with me. I'm trying to understand this, fearing she might have met me and decided she didn't like me as much as she says. She still says she really likes me, she wants to see where we go, and she has texted me throughout the day telling me about work and periodically asking how my day's going. I will slow down because this girl is really something special---we have so much in common that we were both amazed we found each other---but I worry I'm getting let down softly or that I'm friend zoned. I recognize the divorce has accustomed me to rejection and to expecting the worst case scenario. I feel horrible that I didn't try to resist having sex that night because everyone has complexities under the hood, and if I have to be an advocate for her wishes and defend her wishes even from her from time to time, then I'm willing to take that on if it maximizes our chances of progressing and giving things a real try. Looking back I realize she needed to not have sex, and that she needed me to be the strong one when we got caught up in finally seeing one another after weeks of perfect dialogue. Anyway I'd love to hear opinions or experiences. Edited October 23, 2017 by MisshapenCloud 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 She sounds like a mess. And you sound "too nice". And you don't need to advocate for her wishes and defend her wishes from herself. It is HER job to advocate for herself. She is not a delicate fairy who needs to be cared for - she's an adult and should be expected to make decisions for herself and also to accept the consequences if she changes her mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PogoStick Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I suggest you don't go along with whatever game she is playing. Tell her you're not interested in "talking and dating". You're interested in having a normal adult relationship where you hang out and enjoy sex together. If you want to be a penpal then enjoy. I'd give her about 3 days to get her sht straight or then I'd erase all her contact info for good. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Three dates to get herself sorted out. Good call Pogo. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I think she is not that interested in you. I am sorry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 she just used you for sex 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 When I said we could just chill and watch movies with strictly no sex, she said she thinks if we're alone together then she'll end up having sex with me. She is probably right. I mean if she tells you she just wants to cuddle with no sex and within 30 seconds of sitting down, she is top of top you.....BAM! Sex all night long. So believe her - she feels bad having sex so soon. IMO, it does not sound like she is ready for any type of relationship (except sexual at this point.) Text and date...no way.....unless you are fine with it. If you are interested in a relationship with her, you tell her. Give her some time, maybe after a few weeks, she will realize she misses you and the sex....if not, you move on. Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Why don't you guys just go on a proper date? In public, something fun. Take sex out of the equation for a few dates but see each other, hold hands, make out etc and see in 3 or 4 dates if a normal relationship with sex is an option for you two. I don't see how this is that complicated so I assume I misread something. If I did I apologise in advance 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisshapenCloud Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 I'm definitely trying to be a patient and understanding person where in my marriage I had unknowingly slipped into a selfish and irritable state. I feel myself being "the nice guy" and it's a pretty strange feeling. The caveat that's messing with my ability to just step away and tell her to give me a call if she changes her mind is that she's almost 30 and hasn't really ever had a real relationship. Like she has a job and has two close girl friends and family, but people on her social media have even commented that she's going to grow old before ever having a real boyfriend. When we had sex it was five months since her last time. She also doesn't have a car or a drivers license which doesn't bother me at all but is very unusual for our area. Slowly over a few weeks' time she's gone from always super optimistic to starting to complain about things in her life constantly. This contrasts with the moment she saw me the first time and she ran up to me and threw her arms around me and started kissing me. Now she talks about always being tired and stressed from work. I don't know. I really like her but I worry she might be the kind of person who has a circular pattern of self sabotage and who is on the way to shutting me out before I could show her some good things worth maybe giving a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisshapenCloud Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 Why don't you guys just go on a proper date? In public, something fun. Take sex out of the equation for a few dates but see each other, hold hands, make out etc and see in 3 or 4 dates if a normal relationship with sex is an option for you two. I don't see how this is that complicated so I assume I misread something. If I did I apologise in advance That's honestly my current plan. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kassy Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I'm definitely trying to be a patient and understanding person where in my marriage I had unknowingly slipped into a selfish and irritable state. I feel myself being "the nice guy" and it's a pretty strange feeling. The caveat that's messing with my ability to just step away and tell her to give me a call if she changes her mind is that she's almost 30 and hasn't really ever had a real relationship. Like she has a job and has two close girl friends and family, but people on her social media have even commented that she's going to grow old before ever having a real boyfriend. When we had sex it was five months since her last time. She also doesn't have a car or a drivers license which doesn't bother me at all but is very unusual for our area. Slowly over a few weeks' time she's gone from always super optimistic to starting to complain about things in her life constantly. This contrasts with the moment she saw me the first time and she ran up to me and threw her arms around me and started kissing me. Now she talks about always being tired and stressed from work. I don't know. I really like her but I worry she might be the kind of person who has a circular pattern of self sabotage and who is on the way to shutting me out before I could show her some good things worth maybe giving a chance. Do you really want to date her? She sounds like a real buzz kill. If she has changed so much in such a short time and for the worse then I'd not be pursuing this personally. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
normal person Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Texted a girl I met online for a few weeks, she was patient in meeting up and said she had a cold. I just wanted maybe a dinner date but was totally cool with her taking her time. She asked a few days ago if she could come over and watch a basketball game with me and cuddle but not have sex because she thinks we could have something special and doesn't want it to be just sex. Sorry this happened, but I can't say I'm surprised: someone who's never met before, but thinks you "could have something special" is to be avoided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisshapenCloud Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 Do you really want to date her? She sounds like a real buzz kill. If she has changed so much in such a short time and for the worse then I'd not be pursuing this personally. I totally understand why someone would think that. On my end, the things we talked about were really incredible. It was almost eerie how much we had in common in terms of just things we like, the things we're looking for in an eventual relationship, even just our ideas about what the perfect day looks like. This all was made more intense to me because there were probably a dozen incompatibilities between my wife and me that slowly stretched and turned into vast distances. The first few days of the new girl and me talking, and she was saying things totally unassisted by me that addressed every single one of those incompatibilities where I was just beside myself because it was like my ex wife had put someone up to messing with me by being exactly like me in those ways. Throw in that she's a real cutie, that the sex was my perfect wavelength, and that until a few days ago she seemed crazy about me, and it just feels like a possibility I'm willing to try to grow if it just requires some patience and understanding on my part. But if the self destructive personality becomes obvious, then I'll definitely have to pull way back because I'm a lot healthier than six months ago and I can't go through that again. Link to post Share on other sites
phineas Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I suggest you don't go along with whatever game she is playing. Tell her you're not interested in "talking and dating". You're interested in having a normal adult relationship where you hang out and enjoy sex together. If you want to be a penpal then enjoy. I'd give her about 3 days to get her sht straight or then I'd erase all her contact info for good. took the words out of my mouth. never go backwards with a woman. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 That's honestly my current plan. This was going to be my suggestion as well; good call. You can "slow things down" by just enjoying each other's company in a public setting for awhile. Get to know one another better, have some fun and see where it goes. Call it off if she is still aloof after a few of these kinds of dates. And, keep your eyes open for any odd behavior coming from her in this situation. I can understand her being stand-offish about jumping in the sack quickly but the situation seems like an over-reaction on her part. She might just be a bit conservative but there also might be some underlying issues that could surface and create problems. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I can totally understand her falling into the moment and then having some regrets afterwards. It was too soon, despite her own actions...seriously, what were you supposed to think? But this is the danger of going to a guy's house early on (or he yours)...things get heavy, clothes come off, privacy, heat of the moment, feelings. Lesson learned...stay away from too much privacy at first. I agree that if she wants to put on the brakes and you're really into her (she seems into you), a few dates in public is only is the way to go. You can get a descent makeout session before depositing her in the car. Part of this is probably assuring herself you're interested in her as a person, like a partner, and long-term, not just sex. I'm assuming this is what you both want. I agree with Oats, while on these public dates, watch for other behaviors that are off or she exhibits signs of back and forth, push-pull, not ready to pursue something real, wants more, wants less. There are no guarantees, and I appreciate you willing to take a step back so she can get her bearings, but if she's not ready or she's always on this back and forth, you have no idea what's okay or not okay, it may be time to let her go. Needless to say, communication is key. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 IMO, you can't take sex out of the dating after it happens.. She is feeling remorseful and it sounds like she isn't interested in a relationship. Something to think about, you are not a one off.. so this happens with many of the guys she dates..sex on the first date and then a slow down.. All you can do if try to take her out to proper dates rather than TV and cuddling.. WTF is that anyhow... If you can't then write her off and move on, I think Alpha has it right, it was just about the sex for her.. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisshapenCloud Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 IMO, you can't take sex out of the dating after it happens.. She is feeling remorseful and it sounds like she isn't interested in a relationship. Something to think about, you are not a one off.. so this happens with many of the guys she dates..sex on the first date and then a slow down.. All you can do if try to take her out to proper dates rather than TV and cuddling.. WTF is that anyhow... If you can't then write her off and move on, I think Alpha has it right, it was just about the sex for her.. Yeah I definitely agree. I was a little surprised when she passed on a few date offers but seemingly randomly when I was mentioning the start of the NBA season she decided to come over at like midnight. I knew I'd be around whether she wanted sex or cuddling or dates because for all the peculiarity I really like her, but I'm seeing this requires more structure and more discipline from both of us. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Sounds to me like this woman is just full of regret for her actions that night and wants a second chance of starting off on a better foot, not unlike the recent post from the woman who got trashed on her first date and regrets it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Texted a girl I met online for a few weeks, she was patient in meeting up and said she had a cold. I just wanted maybe a dinner date but was totally cool with her taking her time. She asked a few days ago if she could come over and watch a basketball game with me and cuddle but not have sex because she thinks we could have something special and doesn't want it to be just sex. I said sure. Well we were making out and she was on top of me within literally 30 seconds of sitting down. I asked if she wanted to go upstairs. We did, things progressed, and we had sex all night. We were very sweet together, and having just divorced and been through a lot this year, it was really special to me how we were. She expressed to me how special it was to her, as well. I've been trying to make a date since. Last night she explained she's feeling bad about herself having sex so soon and that she needs us to slow down. She said we could text and date "here and there" and she needs us to slow down. When I said we could just chill and watch movies with strictly no sex, she said she thinks if we're alone together then she'll end up having sex with me. I'm trying to understand this, fearing she might have met me and decided she didn't like me as much as she says. She still says she really likes me, she wants to see where we go, and she has texted me throughout the day telling me about work and periodically asking how my day's going. I will slow down because this girl is really something special---we have so much in common that we were both amazed we found each other---but I worry I'm getting let down softly or that I'm friend zoned. I recognize the divorce has accustomed me to rejection and to expecting the worst case scenario. I feel horrible that I didn't try to resist having sex that night because everyone has complexities under the hood, and if I have to be an advocate for her wishes and defend her wishes even from her from time to time, then I'm willing to take that on if it maximizes our chances of progressing and giving things a real try. Looking back I realize she needed to not have sex, and that she needed me to be the strong one when we got caught up in finally seeing one another after weeks of perfect dialogue. Anyway I'd love to hear opinions or experiences. Looking back I realize she needed to not have sex -- It is not for you to decide what her "needs" are or negate her responsibility for her own actions. Women have accountability. I have to be an advocate for her wishes and defend her wishes even from her -- Strong, secure women do not like to be taken care of by a man at this level. You both did what you did and she is now managing the situation for herself. If you like her enough, hit the reset button and proceed with a more "proper" dating scenario that doesn't always include sex, if at all, for a while. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Well we were making out and she was on top of me within literally 30 seconds of sitting down. She says one thing and does the opposite, so I'm not convinced with her "we had sex too soon" line she's feeding you. She came over for sex. Period. Nothing wrong with that, but be an adult about what you choose to do, and not a game playing child. How about seeing her in public and not at each others' houses? Perhaps that's where this first meeting should have taken place--at a sports bar. It would have served to cool her behind down long enough to have conversations with you to determine if she actually likes you and wants to build with you or if she was looking for sex that night. I suggest you don't go along with whatever game she is playing. Tell her you're not interested in "talking and dating". You're interested in having a normal adult relationship where you hang out and enjoy sex together. ^^^This. All. Day. Long. Make this unmistakably clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 I was a little surprised when she passed on a few date offers but seemingly randomly when I was mentioning the start of the NBA season she decided to come over at like midnight. No one goes creeping after midnight for anything but a booty call. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Agree with all who've said you can't go backwards. Also question the judgement of a woman who offered to come to your house for your first meeting. You seem like a nice guy but she had no idea of what she was walking into. There seem to be some boundary issues here. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Saracena Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Sounds to me like this woman is just full of regret for her actions that night and wants a second chance of starting off on a better foot, not unlike the recent post from the woman who got trashed on her first date and regrets it. My thoughts exactly. In addition she more than likely wants to be sure YOU'RE not just in it for the sex hence the request for slowing things down and just dating minus the physical element. In your position, I would keep all dates public from now on and concentrate purely on getting to know each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MisshapenCloud Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 No one goes creeping after midnight for anything but a booty call. She works evenings and doesn't get off until 11 but as a general rule I think you're right. Link to post Share on other sites
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