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Should I be hesitant about dating an Indian man as an American woman?


BlueIvy

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Long story short or is it?? ha ha

 

Let's call him *Raj, we have been dating for 3 weeks now, that's 3 dates total. First date, went to a nice restaurant then a walk around the park. Second date, went to an Ethiopian restaurant and then to another spot to listen to music and have drinks. Our 3rd date was dinner and movies, in which he held my hands the whole time during the movie. Over 2 hours of holding hands...He pays for everything. By the second date, we were making out.

 

He work in IT so he has that nerdy beta male vibe going on. He was born in India but been in the U.S. for a few years, and his family is back home.

 

Anyway, he lost his virginity last year and his longest relationship has been 5 months. A little surprising for me because every man I dated has been more experienced than me, sexually and relationship wise. He even asked me, "Are you not interested anymore?" For me, I feel like I will have to teach him stuff? Like, he does text when can we go out or how my day is going but I feel he could call more. I also feel like IF we became intimate, I would have to teach him. Moreover, I am aware of the stereotype that Asian men have small penises which scares me,lol.

 

Secondly, I inquired about how his family would feel knowing he is dating outside his race and religion. He replied they are a little conservative but if he explains things, they will keep an open mind. I said what if they don't accept it and he said he will try to make everyone happy. I said, "You can't make everyone happy." He then said he can't live without his parents and he would just keep trying. Also, his parents' marriage was arraigned, which is indicative that his family is more than just a "little bit" conservative. This is concerning to me because IF we get serious, what if his parents don't accept me. Ultimately, if there is a decision between GF/BF or family, most people will pick their family, so I don't want to waste my time. He said his dad is more open-minded but he is closer to his mom.

 

I have heard that Indian men are very close to their mom so...

 

However, he did state he is staying in the US and likes it (good jobs/good schools) and said his family is staying in India because they are settled. He says he visits every year. On the flip side, me being not trusting easily, I am aware that some Arabs/Indians/Africans will come to America and start having sex/dating/getting in relationships, things they CAN'T do in their country but then marry some virgin back home.

 

Also, the cynic in me feels he could be lying about not going back to India again. (I don't trust anyone 100% except my mom:p)

 

Other than these 2 things, he is a nice guy, kinda cute in a nerdy way. He seems open-minded as well. And while we aren't the same religion, we see things similarly.

 

I am dating/talking to other men so I am not putting all my eggs in 1 basket...

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I've dated Indian guys before, haven't had any problems with the size of the package for starters.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I think you are putting the cart before the horse here. If you like him and he likes you and you are having fun then I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to explore that further.

 

Even if his family are super conservative and want him to have an arranged marriage, you really don't need to worry about that right now. It is more likely that at some point you won't want to date each other for some reason unrelated to that (just an odds thing). But if it does work then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

I'm all for just enjoy the new relationship and see where it goes.

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I've dated Indian guys before, haven't had any problems with the size of the package for starters.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I think you are putting the cart before the horse here. If you like him and he likes you and you are having fun then I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to explore that further.

 

Even if his family are super conservative and want him to have an arranged marriage, you really don't need to worry about that right now. It is more likely that at some point you won't want to date each other for some reason unrelated to that (just an odds thing). But if it does work then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

I'm all for just enjoy the new relationship and see where it goes.

You're so right but that's how I think,lol. Especially since I was in a relationship that didn't end in marriage, which I should have known since he is way older than me. I digress, I will continue dating him..and other men.

 

Oh, I am excited about the size of package, pheww.:bunny:

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I've dated Indian guys before, haven't had any problems with the size of the package for starters.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I think you are putting the cart before the horse here. If you like him and he likes you and you are having fun then I'm not sure why you wouldn't want to explore that further.

 

Even if his family are super conservative and want him to have an arranged marriage, you really don't need to worry about that right now. It is more likely that at some point you won't want to date each other for some reason unrelated to that (just an odds thing). But if it does work then cross that bridge when you come to it.

 

I'm all for just enjoy the new relationship and see where it goes.

 

I think this is bad advice. Saying to date him for say a year and fall in lovr then realise you cant be with him. Happened to.me cos of her jewish crap. Good you know now rather than later

 

Ps im.indian guy dated white girls. I dont date white girls anymore cos they think.like this.

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I wouldn't stereotype someone based on race. Go with what he tells you and what you observe about him individually, not with preconceived notions based on his race.

 

My main concern would actually be that he has only been in the US for 3 years. Green cards are extremely difficult to get, and the US doesn't recognize de facto relationships. So you could be putting yourself in a very difficult position where when his work visa runs out, you might have to marry him earlier than you would ideally want to and sponsor his green card, if you don't want him to have to move back to India.

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I would not invest one full year in this man without having a clear pictures of what is waiting for me.

 

I thought he diverted your questions about his parents and who they expect him to marry. He knows too well if his parents would approve of a white American woman or not, he is not being forward with you. On the other hand he was pretty clear that between a woman and his parents, his parents get to win.

 

I think he will mislead you about his parents as long as he can. I think you should cut threw the sH6T asap and get clear answers.

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Those from India have arranged marriages.. I never dated a India woman, well she called me from a Funeral she was attending told me she would meet me nearby my house. She had worked for he local News stations here in Miami. But we never met because she couldn't leave her friend was in still crying etc. I don't think it was a good idea I told her you stay to leave her friend like that. Girl friend. She said she really wanted to meet me. Oh well..

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There is nothing wrong with having THAT discussion about expectations for marriage and whatnot with anyone. That is just being adult, not racist or demeaning. We are talking about a relationship, and investing in the future. This is why you date, so that you can see if you are both on the same page, and have matching expectations. It's pretty simple. If you like the guy, by all means see if it can work for the both of you, but don't go in blindly.

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i live in an area that is very highly populated with Hindis that are relatively new to the US, and it's very enlightening to see their culture in action. they love white skin, it's highly regarded in India (white skin = wealth), but loving white skin and loving white women is different. try to find some examples of Indian men married to white American women, or any race other than their own. it's extremely rare. the religious, family, and gender roles are very ingrained in Indian culture and Americans tend to have very different values. i think you should enjoy dating him b/c it's very likely it won't go anywhere. and sleeping with him will knock you down several pegs anyway - not that every Indian man is looking for a virgin, but the faster/looser a woman is, the less desirable you become. i'm not trying to stereotype and lots of Indian men might be different, but those (perhaps) would be the Americanized Indian men, or second or third generation to America. a man just recently from India and still on a visa or something similar will be highly reflective of Indian core values and traditions. and the family is uber important - the wife and mother generally spend a lot of time together (cooking, raising kids, supporting the husband) so the mother (and family) would definitely have to approve of you b/c you'll end up living together or right next door. the street behind us - the entire block, seriously, like 12 houses in a row are all Indian-occupied and they go from house to house to house with the families and kids and meals and grandmothers/grandfather, it's fascinating. the men go to work during the day (most are in IT) and the women go from house to house with food and kids.

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I'm in the camp that thinks it's important to clarify these issues before you get serious.

If you know what you want, don't invest your heart and time into something that is clearly a dead-end.

 

Watch The Big Sick together and ask him what he thinks. ;)

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I'm Indian myself and my advice is to steer clear of this dude. Almost always they go back home to an arranged marriage...

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On the flip side, me being not trusting easily, I am aware that some Arabs/Indians/Africans will come to America and start having sex/dating/getting in relationships, things they CAN'T do in their country but then marry some virgin back home.

 

If I was an Indian guy I would slut it up in the US and then go back an marry a nice young traditional girl. Why would a guy NOT do this?

 

Having spent my whole life here... I think that I am qualified to say that the majority of women in America are not marriage material. So you would have to overcome that stereotype... and bring more to the table than a match in his home country can.

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You're right to be thinking ahead though. It sounds like he will choose the parents over any woman which would put me off.

 

It sounds like that to me too :/

 

I think this is bad advice. Saying to date him for say a year and fall in lovr then realise you cant be with him. Happened to.me cos of her jewish crap. Good you know now rather than later

 

Ps im.indian guy dated white girls. I dont date white girls anymore cos they think.like this.

 

Yeah, I don't wanna get in too deep and then it will be hard to get out.

 

I wouldn't stereotype someone based on race. Go with what he tells you and what you observe about him individually, not with preconceived notions based on his race.

 

My main concern would actually be that he has only been in the US for 3 years. Green cards are extremely difficult to get, and the US doesn't recognize de facto relationships. So you could be putting yourself in a very difficult position where when his work visa runs out, you might have to marry him earlier than you would ideally want to and sponsor his green card, if you don't want him to have to move back to India.

Yeah, but marrying for a green card isn't romantic to me. I wanna marry out of love, if I do marry one day.

 

I would not invest one full year in this man without having a clear pictures of what is waiting for me.

 

I thought he diverted your questions about his parents and who they expect him to marry. He knows too well if his parents would approve of a white American woman or not, he is not being forward with you. On the other hand he was pretty clear that between a woman and his parents, his parents get to win.

 

I think he will mislead you about his parents as long as he can. I think you should cut threw the sH6T asap and get clear answers.

 

I feel he didn't answer too but at the same time he did answer. He basically by omission let me know his parents probably won't approve. Yeah, "I can't live without my parents." I am not white by the way,lol.

 

For instance, he goes salsa dancing and he said his parents were like, "Oh, you are dancing with girls?" He said he explained they are just friends and they finally understood. So, maybe that is an indication they could be open-minded?

 

There is nothing wrong with having THAT discussion about expectations for marriage and whatnot with anyone. That is just being adult, not racist or demeaning. We are talking about a relationship, and investing in the future. This is why you date, so that you can see if you are both on the same page, and have matching expectations. It's pretty simple. If you like the guy, by all means see if it can work for the both of you, but don't go in blindly.

I am not racist. I date all flavors, ha ha. I am still young but I am not 18 anymore and don't want to waste my time. I do like him but I can't go with the flow. I don't want to be one of those women who invest years into a lame who never intended on marrying their chick, then marry someone else in a short period. And being middle aged and jaded. I will be asking him more direct questions as we have a 4th date this week.

 

i live in an area that is very highly populated with Hindis that are relatively new to the US, and it's very enlightening to see their culture in action. they love white skin, it's highly regarded in India (white skin = wealth), but loving white skin and loving white women is different. try to find some examples of Indian men married to white American women, or any race other than their own. it's extremely rare. the religious, family, and gender roles are very ingrained in Indian culture and Americans tend to have very different values. i think you should enjoy dating him b/c it's very likely it won't go anywhere. and sleeping with him will knock you down several pegs anyway - not that every Indian man is looking for a virgin, but the faster/looser a woman is, the less desirable you become. i'm not trying to stereotype and lots of Indian men might be different, but those (perhaps) would be the Americanized Indian men, or second or third generation to America. a man just recently from India and still on a visa or something similar will be highly reflective of Indian core values and traditions. and the family is uber important - the wife and mother generally spend a lot of time together (cooking, raising kids, supporting the husband) so the mother (and family) would definitely have to approve of you b/c you'll end up living together or right next door. the street behind us - the entire block, seriously, like 12 houses in a row are all Indian-occupied and they go from house to house to house with the families and kids and meals and grandmothers/grandfather, it's fascinating. the men go to work during the day (most are in IT) and the women go from house to house with food and kids.

I am not white. Anyway, I am very aware. And say IF, which sounds like a big IF he does take me seriously and his parents do accept. I don't want to marry into a conservative family like that. Now, if he is being sincere and he stays in the U.S. and his family stays in America, then it could work.

 

I was born here so my ideals and belief system is Western influenced. And I like my Independence so I can't be dealing with people in my space.

 

I'm in the camp that thinks it's important to clarify these issues before you get serious.

If you know what you want, don't invest your heart and time into something that is clearly a dead-end.

 

Watch The Big Sick together and ask him what he thinks. ;)

 

I will watch it! I will make him too and come back and update you! Is it available on Netflix?

 

I'm Indian myself and my advice is to steer clear of this dude. Almost always they go back home to an arranged marriage...

 

I will ask him this and see how he responds ha ha.

 

If I was an Indian guy I would slut it up in the US and then go back an marry a nice young traditional girl. Why would a guy NOT do this?

 

Having spent my whole life here... I think that I am qualified to say that the majority of women in America are not marriage material. So you would have to overcome that stereotype... and bring more to the table than a match in his home country can.

 

What makes the majority of American women not marriage material? Are the majority of men marriage material?

 

Well, I admit if I was a guy I would get wild, just because I know I can't experience that back home. But I would be honorable enough not to deceive women.

 

Anyway, I watch true crime series and there was an episode of this Indian girl considered attractive, successful, educated. She meets this Indian dude in the club. They date but i guess for him it's never serious. He gets married in a arranged marriage, to a woman who can't speak English, no education, no job. But she was pregnant and a stay home wife and mom. And he was born in London or something. Long story short, the mistress kills the wife.

 

Extreme example but my point is even if you bring more to the table, dude can still marry the traditional woman who on paper offers less.

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What makes the majority of American women not marriage material? Are the majority of men marriage material?

on the world dating scene American men and women are considered damaged goods. our culture is so screwed up that our mindset towards relationships and marriage is severly compromised. very few people from other cultures want to date americans seriously.

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For instance, he goes salsa dancing and he said his parents were like, "Oh, you are dancing with girls?" He said he explained they are just friends and they finally understood. So, maybe that is an indication they could be open-minded?.

 

I would not count on that. It's one thing to have friends from another culture, it's another when it will time for grand-children.

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Aye, I hate to throw out anecdotal evidence – but I have seen this “go bad” on a few occasions.

 

I live in the SF bay area – home of the tech boom, and we have a lot of Indian immigrants living here (over 10% of some of the major suburbs, around 750,000 Indian Asians (either Indian Americans or immigrants) in this region).

 

Let see – coworker’s Caucasian daughter married an Indian man. All was great for a few years until he announced that his family from India would be moving in with them – and she didn’t have a say in the matter. They divorced 3 months after mom, aunt, brother and cousin moved in (it was a serious culture shock for her – once “mom” was in the house, all of his western attitudes seem to disappear).

 

I know someone seriously dating an Indian man – thought it was headed towards marriage, but he NEVER told his family about her, and eventually confessed that they would never get married, that he would be traveling back to India for a bride.

 

An other – dated for a while, again, he never told the family. He went on an extended trip to India – and returned married.

 

There are some serious cultural things to consider here. If he is truly completely independent of his family, or wouldn’t mind being an outcast / disowned, then I suppose no worries.

 

Close ties to a traditional family would be a big red flag for me if you want something serious. And if you DID want something serious down the road with him, I think a trip to India and acceptance by his family would be very important before putting any eggs in that basket.

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Aye, I hate to throw out anecdotal evidence – but I have seen this “go bad” on a few occasions.

 

I live in the SF bay area – home of the tech boom, and we have a lot of Indian immigrants living here (over 10% of some of the major suburbs, around 750,000 Indian Asians (either Indian Americans or immigrants) in this region).

 

Let see – coworker’s Caucasian daughter married an Indian man. All was great for a few years until he announced that his family from India would be moving in with them – and she didn’t have a say in the matter. They divorced 3 months after mom, aunt, brother and cousin moved in (it was a serious culture shock for her – once “mom” was in the house, all of his western attitudes seem to disappear).

 

I know someone seriously dating an Indian man – thought it was headed towards marriage, but he NEVER told his family about her, and eventually confessed that they would never get married, that he would be traveling back to India for a bride.

 

An other – dated for a while, again, he never told the family. He went on an extended trip to India – and returned married.

 

There are some serious cultural things to consider here. If he is truly completely independent of his family, or wouldn’t mind being an outcast / disowned, then I suppose no worries.

 

Close ties to a traditional family would be a big red flag for me if you want something serious. And if you DID want something serious down the road with him, I think a trip to India and acceptance by his family would be very important before putting any eggs in that basket.

 

i'll put my stamp of approval on this

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What makes the majority of American women not marriage material? Are the majority of men marriage material?

Well, I admit if I was a guy I would get wild, just because I know I can't experience that back home. But I would be honorable enough not to deceive women.

Anyway, I watch true crime series and there was an episode of this Indian girl considered attractive, successful, educated. She meets this Indian dude in the club. They date but i guess for him it's never serious. He gets married in a arranged marriage, to a woman who can't speak English, no education, no job. But she was pregnant and a stay home wife and mom. And he was born in London or something. Long story short, the mistress kills the wife.

Extreme example but my point is even if you bring more to the table, dude can still marry the traditional woman who on paper offers less.

 

I don't date men, but I suspect that America would be a poor choice for finding one. The lower end males are all emasculated and the higher end males are drowning in women. A huge number of divorced guys have been screwed over by the system and are bitter about it.

 

Listen... Education, Language, Job... these are lower down the scale of what a man wants from a partner. Men are not all trying to marry up. Men value things like attitude, faithfulness, libido, and looks. I mean lazy guys will want to marry a woman to support them... but is that the kind of relationship you want? Most women don't.

 

Nobody respects honor.

 

on the world dating scene American men and women are considered damaged goods. our culture is so screwed up that our mindset towards relationships and marriage is severly compromised. very few people from other cultures want to date americans seriously.

 

Yes. We have turned relationships into either a game or a fight.

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For instance, he goes salsa dancing and he said his parents were like, "Oh, you are dancing with girls?" He said he explained they are just friends and they finally understood. So, maybe that is an indication they could be open-minded?

 

NO that was probably an indication that they are very conservative.

They were surprised he was dancing with girls and he thus had to explain himself and make it right to their satisfaction, is my guess...

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on the world dating scene American men and women are considered damaged goods. our culture is so screwed up that our mindset towards relationships and marriage is severly compromised. very few people from other cultures want to date americans seriously.

 

Who cares if other countries consider us damaged goods. America isn't perfect and I don't agree with all aspects of our culture, but I rather live here than anywhere else. Likewise, very few Americans likely wouldn't want to date people from other cultures.

 

I would not count on that. It's one thing to have friends from another culture, it's another when it will time for grand-children.

 

Very true.

 

Aye, I hate to throw out anecdotal evidence – but I have seen this “go bad” on a few occasions.

 

I live in the SF bay area – home of the tech boom, and we have a lot of Indian immigrants living here (over 10% of some of the major suburbs, around 750,000 Indian Asians (either Indian Americans or immigrants) in this region).

 

Let see – coworker’s Caucasian daughter married an Indian man. All was great for a few years until he announced that his family from India would be moving in with them – and she didn’t have a say in the matter. They divorced 3 months after mom, aunt, brother and cousin moved in (it was a serious culture shock for her – once “mom” was in the house, all of his western attitudes seem to disappear).

 

I know someone seriously dating an Indian man – thought it was headed towards marriage, but he NEVER told his family about her, and eventually confessed that they would never get married, that he would be traveling back to India for a bride.

 

An other – dated for a while, again, he never told the family. He went on an extended trip to India – and returned married.

 

There are some serious cultural things to consider here. If he is truly completely independent of his family, or wouldn’t mind being an outcast / disowned, then I suppose no worries.

 

Close ties to a traditional family would be a big red flag for me if you want something serious. And if you DID want something serious down the road with him, I think a trip to India and acceptance by his family would be very important before putting any eggs in that basket.

 

Funny he actually came from California, now he is here. For the first situation, who filed for divorce? Was it mutual? Why can't he just be himself when he is a grown man? That is just messed up. See, I don't want to be one of these women. I have a few more questions for him. Anyway, I have other upcoming dates. One is Brazilian, One is Nigerian. I am also talking to 2 white guys. So, if things don't work out, onto the next.

 

Wherever it may go with the Indian, I probably won't be dating an Indian man again. This is my first time and usually they aren't my preference but I am open-minded.

 

I know it's "culture" but it's cowardly to lead people on or play games. If sex or something casual is all they want, they can easily find a woman who is down for that.

I don't date men, but I suspect that America would be a poor choice for finding one. The lower end males are all emasculated and the higher end males are drowning in women. A huge number of divorced guys have been screwed over by the system and are bitter about it.

 

Listen... Education, Language, Job... these are lower down the scale of what a man wants from a partner. Men are not all trying to marry up. Men value things like attitude, faithfulness, libido, and looks. I mean lazy guys will want to marry a woman to support them... but is that the kind of relationship you want? Most women don't.

 

Nobody respects honor.

 

 

 

Yes. We have turned relationships into either a game or a fight.

 

Now, I agree with your assessment. I do think there are some good men out there but I feel they aren't the majority. The hook up culture just promotes promiscuity and people don't take relationships seriously. If not that, people play games. So, for people who want serious relationships, it can be tough. I know so many single, attractive, educated and nice women who can't meet decent men. One girl, she is 23, Mexican, pretty girl, went to a good school, ambitious,etc. Every guy she meets, whether online, or in real life, either plays games or just wants sex. I told her perhaps try older men and she says it's the same thing. I know women who want relationships but settle for FWB and make excuses for why it works for them.

 

NO that was probably an indication that they are very conservative.

They were surprised he was dancing with girls and he thus had to explain himself and make it right to their satisfaction, is my guess...

 

You're right. Dancing with the opposite isn't even a big deal.

I will ask more questions but seems I might have to friend-zone him. I have a Saudi Arabian male friend and asked him for advice, he said their culture is kinda similar and it will be very hard to against the parents wishes. But he said I should give it a chance because the guy might really love me. He said to ask him more questions.

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Men value things like attitude, faithfulness, libido, and looks. I mean lazy guys will want to marry a woman to support them... but is that the kind of relationship you want? Most women don't.

 

I think there is a lot of truth in this. This is why women who straddle the progressive choices verses traditional expectations struggle. You can't want to be free to bring home all the bacon on one hand and then expect a man to both take up the slack AND be higher up than you. And most men don't marry for money.

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... he said their culture is kinda similar and it will be very hard to against the parents wishes. But he said I should give it a chance because the guy might really love me. He said to ask him more questions.

In the West we tend to have the idea that love conquers all.

Not really helped I guess by Disney and Hollywood, but often in other cultures love does not command such attention.

It is a big thing for someone to give up their entire family, their community, their religion, their inheritance, their status, etc. all for "love" as that is often the price they will have to pay.

So when the chips are down they will not do it, they just give in and conform and marry someone who will be fully accepted, someone who will be welcomed with open arms.

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I think trying to stereotype all Indians by the few you know is like trying to stereotype all Americans based on videos you watched of Trump. India is a big country, just like the US or China, certainly much bigger than the UK or Canada or Australia (in terms of population). There are millions of individuals in that country and they are as varied as anyone in yours.

 

Is it possible that this particular Indian is too traditional or too attached to his parents to be compatible with you? Sure it's a possibility. Is it necessarily the case? Not any more so than assuming an American is materialistic or a Brit is prudish.

 

FWIW, the majority of Indian people I know who live in a Caucasian country do not actually have their parents living with them, nor is the wife constantly pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. Our previous neighbor was a lovely Indian couple with a child (and NO grandparents living in that house!). Both the husband and wife worked. I often saw the husband playing with their child in the yard or cleaning.

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