Jump to content

I got wasted on a first date with a guy I really like. Afraid I blew it.


Tserath

Recommended Posts

I don't meet guys I'm attracted to in every way very often, at all. I met a guy online and we really hit it off, talked for several weeks, and decided to meet.

 

I stupidly had too much to drink before I even got there, and when I saw him he looked nothing like his pics, he looked 100x better. I wasn't expecting that, and it made me even more nervous so I continued to drink and I got wasted.

 

I don't remember much, but I know I talked a lot about nothing and didn't let him talk much at all, had him walk me to the bathroom, i lost my phone and found it with the bartender, and I probably sang at the table. It was all awful. I was horrible.

 

He endured me for 3 hours and then drove me home. He walked me to my door, i invited him in to meet my roomate, which he declined, then I kissed him like an idiot. Then he left.

 

The next day I texted him and apologized. I told him If he could forgive me sometime I'd take him to a movie where there's no alcohol and buy him food (since he paid for the entire miserable time he had). He said there was no connection and was going to pass.

 

I didn't explain anything, I just said ok.

 

But I really like him. I really, really like him. There was a connection before we met. A big one. There was zero connection when we met in person, because my receptors were dripping with rum. I was in the building, but I was not present at all.

 

Earlier today I wrote him this message:

 

"Messaging is probably wrong, but I've already embarrassed myself so I figure it can't get much worse. I deleted your number and I don't expect a response, but I hope you at least read this.

 

You've written me off, and I get it, but I built up an inaccurate impression, even during the days before I got wasted, and it bothers me.

 

If your refusal to ever talk to me again is based purely on my behavior, and not because you think I'm a lip gloss-eating quasimodo ogre or something, then I want to explain.

 

I'm not the hyper-nervous, anxiety-riddled person I became the other night. I was nervous, but I took it too far even before I started drinking at home... I went way overboard pushing anxiety in a lot of the messages I sent you before then, as well.

 

There was no chance at a connection of any kind when we met, because I wasn't even there. I don't remember much of anything that was said or done, but I'm sure it was horrible and embarrassing for both of us.*

 

I don't know your experiences with women, but I'm new at this. I learned a huge lesson either way, but it sucks to have lost a friendship before it had a chance to start. It's an awful feeling knowing I made myself appear to be a person I wouldn't want to ever see again either.*Not just the drunk part, a lot of it leading up to the drunk part, too. I'm human, but I'm not the mess I've painted you a picture of.

 

You're a really cool guy; intelligent, quick-witted, easy to talk to, and it's not easy finding guys I enjoy conversation with, especially in this city.

 

First impressions are impossible to change, but I hope at some point in the future you'll give me a chance to start over."

 

I'm not sure now if messaging him was the right thing to do after he already said he was going to pass.

 

He read, or at least opened, the message (on facebook) immediately. But has not responded. He hasn't unfriended me, but I don't know if that really means anything.

 

I know I already look pathetic, and I'm worried messaging him has dug my grave even deeper. I don't want to annoy my friends with this, so I figured I'd come here. I'm going to leave him alone and get on with my life, but it seriously sucks knowing I probably just blew my chance with the only guy in this city I've met that I actually really, really wanted to get to know better.

 

 

 

 

*

Link to post
Share on other sites

Since he declined a second date, he will probably decline any further communication. Consider it a lesson learned. Don't invest too much time before meeting. And I know nerves can become hypersensitive before meeting, but don't even pick up that first drink next time! Go for a walk, talk to a friend or have a cup of herbal tea before your date!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm worried messaging him has dug my grave even deeper.

 

Bad news: it did. A message that long and involved is for apologizing to your best friend, not a guy you met one time.

 

Good news: there's a lot to learn from this. There will be many other men; it may take a while, but they are out there. If you feel the need to drink in order to relax or calm down, that's a very important signal to cut back; if you can't do that, you need to stop drinking altogether. Based on your post your alcohol use is problematic, but only you know if it's something that requires major help.

 

Also, "connections" before meeting are ephemeral and play-acting at best. No amount of messages and online chemistry can stand up to in-person chemistry. Write to people for as long as you feel comfortable, but don't expect it to mean anything. I exchanged all kind of romantic, flirtatious, deep and meaningful letters with dudes who I met and it took all of five seconds to realize we weren't a match.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough

He could have just seemed hotter because you were drunk. Don't really get drunk, but isn't that how it works? Chalk it up as lesson learned

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
He could have just seemed hotter because you were drunk. Don't really get drunk, but isn't that how it works? Chalk it up as lesson learned

 

she had the beer goggles on. lol

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Forget him for a moment. What's the deal with your drinking? Because, that's what he's wondering right now, and scared of. Who wouldn't be?

Edited by Highndry
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
AltarsofMadness
Wow, this place is awful. Sorry I joined.

 

 

I don't think the people here are being overly critical

 

 

Wait to see if he will give you a second chance, that's all you can do. If he gives you a second chance, you know exactly what to do. If he ignores your message, move on. Everything else people said here was right on the money

 

 

I would add that you don't really know this man at all - you just have some kind of an infatuation of him in your head because you've projected this fantasy of the perfect man onto him. I doubt he's all that

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I had too many moments of my life which were potentially great like this that I ruined from drinking too much. I wasn't an alcoholic at all but I'm also not great when I am drunk.

 

If this was a one time thing, then learn from it and move on.

 

If it wasn't, even if you are not an alcoholic, I would suggest you really look at what impact drinking has in your life. I drank to have fun, party and be more confident. I've had some fun drunk times. But I've also had fun sober times.

 

Ultimately, whether you like it or not, if that's when you behave when drunk, and you drink semi-regularly then that's who you are. That's what people think of when they think of you. I'm not saying this to be mean, I've been there. But you get to choose if that's who you want to be. Some people decide to just have a certain number of drinks in a night, some people decide not to drink and some poeple decide they don't want to miss out on the "fun" of all the drinking.

 

I have discovered I have more real confidence (not fake Dutch courage) now that I don't drink often, and I never do it for confidence now. I also have discovered things to do and people to spend time with where we have a riot and it's not contingent on whether we decide to drink or not.

 

Sorry didn't want to go on a rant, but it sounds like you're starting on a slippery slope and I really hope you work out some balance that works for you so you enjoy life's opportunities.

 

So don't worry about this guy, but do make sure you learn from it

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough

Totally agree with enigma. There's no way to know if you being drunk was the reason he didn't want to see you anymore but he said he didn't and that's that. Sending a long message begging someone to change their mind when you barely know them is needy and makes people uncomfortable

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe I am not the best person to give advice as I ruined things a few times with potential guys due to my drinking:laugh:but what done is done, all you can do is hopefully learn from it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow, this place is awful. Sorry I joined.

 

Please don't feel attacked.

 

I frankly think you did the right thing by messaging him. if it went as bad as you think it did, if I were him, I'd kind of want to have someone at least attempt an explanation. And I'd totally give you another shot, as long as you hadn't barfed on me or crapped your pants.

 

(as an aside, I did the knickers fill one time out on a date. I went to the can and wiped my ass with the only clean part left of my skivvies, tossed em in the waste basket and went commando the rest of the date. I never went back out with this girl back then but I always hoped that she had another reason why and not because I smelled like Hacker Pschorr Weiss and Poop). LOL!

 

Sorry for the levity, but I think you needed some comic relief just like i needed a Baby Wipe back then...

 

Believe me, I am about the most undiplomatic person on this entire site, but I also think that you reaching out to him was a good thing on your part.

 

You were nervous. That is understandable. I am the last person that is going to criticize you for betting blitzed on this date.

 

I think you should take comfort in realizing that you do have guts to put yourself out there like that by messaging him. That was difficult to do. It showed you were able to take some ownership of your actions. That is very hard to do, especially in our modern culture. It seems nobody ever takes ownership.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think messaging him was a thoughtful idea, but the message you sent was far too long and far too grovelling. You tell him that you're not anxiety-riddled, but your message indicates the opposite. There's a lot of over-thinking going on there. I understand you wanted to apologize, but keeping it short and sweet would have been better.

 

As for whether he'll eventually respond, it's hard to say. I am not sure how I would respond if I got a similar message from someone I'd had to turn down.

 

Don't beat yourself up. There may be other reasons why he isn't interested in taking it further, so you can't assume total responsibility here. Yes, it was a cringe-y night for you but we've all had at least a few of those!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Gather what grace you have and just leave him be.

 

You blew it.

 

Might be good policy to not drink before you go out on dates.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic

He seems like a great guy to not have taken advantage of you in that state, and I agree, you blew it.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

the whole letter comes off as pathetic, i'm sorry but it does. you should have stopped with the text, that was sufficient and still put you in the 'normal' category. *you* think he was amazing and etc. but his impression of you is clearly not the same. lesson learned, but for sure leave this guy alone and evaluate why the heck you got wasted on/before a first date. if you were that drunk maybe he wasn't even that cute, you said you remember nothing.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
He seems like a great guy to not have taken advantage of you in that state, and I agree, you blew it.

 

I was thinking that too. He even made sure she got home safely by driving her home--instead of leaving her (a stranger from the Internet who just made a bad impression of herself) there and leaving it up to the cops or whomever--or having her put herself and others at risk by trying to drive herself home. Not only not a creep but a total gentleman.

 

OP, I get that you are smarting w embarrassment and you are kicking yourself for blowing a chance w a great guy. But, you realize how this all could have ended up even much worse than it did?

Edited by Imajerk17
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic
I was thinking that too. He even made sure she got home safely by driving her home--instead of leaving her (a stranger from the Internet who just made a bad impression of herself) there and leaving it up to the cops or whomever--or having her put herself and others at risk by trying to drive herself home. Not only not a creep but a total gentleman.

 

OP, I get that you are smarting w embarrassment and you are kicking yourself for blowing a chance w a great guy. But, you realize how this all could have ended up even much worse than it did?

 

Yes. I'd be pretty mad at myself, too. I don't blame OP for how she feels. But she's definitely gotta chalk this one up to just a really bad decision leading to the one who got away.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough
[..]

I think you should take comfort in realizing that you do have guts to put yourself out there like that by messaging him. That was difficult to do. It showed you were able to take some ownership of your actions. That is very hard to do, especially in our modern culture. It seems nobody ever takes ownership.

No one should feel attacked when they come for advice and they aren't hearing what they want to hear. Most of us who have done this have faced criticism. Taking ownership is an apology. Perhaps a quick explanation such as: "Sorry. I was drank so much last night. That's not like me and was very irresponsible. I was nervous. I hope you understand" If the person says they must pass( and they don't know you, so it's perfectly reasonable they do) you don't write up an a essay-length, groveling message that poorly feigns cool and collected by adding a joke in there, but only manages to look like a desperate, disjointed, anxiety-ridden mess. (because it's pretty much impossible not to at that point). This is part of the reason I feel tempted to ghost people at times. Just offering constructive criticism for future. Hope it works out for your the threadstarter, anyway

Edited by Cookiesandough
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

1. Don't beat yourself up over drinking too much. Just live and learn from it and move forward on future dates. And, recognize that this is one of the pitfalls of meeting up for drinks on a first date. It's just too easy to drink too much in these situations. Someone is nervous so they have a few too many or they're having a good time and the same thing happens.

 

2. It was thoughtful of you to send that message to him but I would advise against contacting him anymore. And, that is for YOUR peace of mind. Take a few deep breathes, take a step back and move forward. Avoid letting this situation continue to take up free room in your head. There are plenty of chances to date in the future.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Remember first impressions count. Basically you disrespected him and the date itself by showing up intoxicated and then continuing to get even worse. What does that say about you? You lack self control. You don't have a drinking problem, you have a problem with alcohol. What is dangerous is that you won't admit it. People think an alcoholic is someone that continuously drinks all day, lives in the gutter, homeless, etc. That is furthest from the truth. It's the lack of self control that makes you an alcoholic. And you definitely showed that. You blame it on being too nervous....that's called denial. I'm not being harsh, I'm being straight with you. Stop drinking.

 

TBH I don't blame the guy from passing on another date.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

Definitely botched a first date with someone I initially thought was "amazing in every way." Looking back on it I think eh, so what. They probably weren't that great. Just give it time and you'll feel better about it. We all make mistakes. It sucks but its part of life. Don't be too hard on yourself, but learn where necessary.

 

Also I've had fantastic chemistry via text but in person it just didn't work out. The only time I've ever been hung up on a "one who got away" was when I felt a spark in person. Online chemistry is no guarantee of anything real.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...