28 year old man, never had a serious relationship - very frustrated with dating

[AltarsofMadness]

Over last couple years, I've had a good amount of women who have been interested in me but I just can't seem to meet a good match. I seem to have the same problem most single people I have - I don't want the women who want me, the women who I want don't want me. I tend to have a lot of women who are very interested who are either single moms and/or over 30. I'm 28 so I want someone between 22-28 with no kids but when I approach those kind of ladies, I have horrible success rate! It's so unbelievably frustrating

 

It's worth nothing that both groups of women have been plenty attractive so I don't think I want somebody out of my league. I had a beautiful 35 year old who was very heavily into me. That same night when I met her, I talked to a cute 25 year old and she wouldn't return my damn call.

 

I don't know what to make of this. Is it just because I'm desiring the cream of the crop in the dating world (single, cute, educated and professional mid 20s women) to where the percentage of rejection will inherently be very high no matter what I'm doing? or is this a question of confidence and me not talking to the women I want with the same kind of carefree confidence with the ones I can't see myself dating? What baffles me is I have about a 80-90% success rate if I approach a lady and I find out she is either over 30 or is a single mom. I would kill just to have half that with the girls my age.

 

I was talking to this super cute Mexican girl last night. I have great success with Hispanic women as they always find my darker features to be very attractive. We get along great, she's exactly my type - intelligent, educated, professional job, super sweet, couple years younger than me. I'm being super nice to both her and her friend. Then I go to ask her out and she turns me down!

 

I'm 28, college educated, in great shape, dress super nice, make fantastic money, looking for a relationship/settle down. I am tired of being single

[BaileyB]

I feel your pain because I was like you, for a very long time.

 

I will offer you this... It only takes one. Good luck.

[AltarsofMadness]

I feel your pain because I was like you, for a very long time.

 

I will offer you this... It only takes one. Good luck.

 

 

like me in what regard?

[preraph]

I can't say without seeing you in action, because 28 is not old and what you want isn't unreasonable for your age. I can only guess that you maybe look a little older because of how you dress or just how you are and that that is why the younger 20s feel you are too old. Some people do just look or act more mature and young people want someone they can relate to from their own generation. And yes, of course, you and everyone else prefers the hot women from this age group, so the lower you go, the more competition you have.

 

When I was in my later 20s, I considered guys 25 to 30 ideal and especially 30 because they may be getting burnt out on women hopping. I would think you'd have a real problem finding a Hispanic woman in your age group without kids, but I don't know where you're from. I'm from Texas and most of the Hispanic women have 3 kids by the time they're 23. So I'm afraid though they may think you're cute, they probably already have kids or plan to start having them right away unless there's one who's really untraditional and doesn't care about approval from her family and has a hot career or something. I had a best friend like that, but she sacrificed a lot to not have kids and keep her good career. Her family shunned her. So not sure that's the pool for you to be fishing in.

 

If you haven't already, take up some active hobbies that put you in contact with a group of people over and over. Increasing your friend network is the best way to meet new women. You eventually get to meet all their friends. Also, have parties and invite everyone to "bring a friend" rather than "a date." On your profile, be honest about wanting 22-28, about your own age, and about no kids so you don't have to waste time. Good luck.

[AltarsofMadness]

I can't say without seeing you in action, because 28 is not old and what you want isn't unreasonable for your age. I can only guess that you maybe look a little older because of how you dress or just how you are and that that is why the younger 20s feel you are too old. Some people do just look or act more mature and young people want someone they can relate to from their own generation. And yes, of course, you and everyone else prefers the hot women from this age group, so the lower you go, the more competition you have.

 

I am not going for young 20s though, I'm going for mid 20s.

 

Do you think the more competition is enough to explain why I have such fantastic success with either late 20s women who have kids or anybody over 30 and such terrible success with mid 20s women without kids? Or is it my own shortcomings in terms of my confidence/demeanor around them?

 

Are mid 20s attractive women without that kind of baggage really that unreasonable in their standards? I don't feel like I'm shooting for anybody out of my league - I'm pretty good looking, super fit, super well dressed, make a lot of money, have my own house/fantastic with finances, well spoken, super nice/loyal, good family values, totally want a relationship/kids. Isn't that what every woman my age wants?

[preraph]

Those young women have their pick of everybody and without knowing you I can't say why you're being discarded some of the time. Again, I feel you may act or look older or seem out of their generation. When you're in your young 20s (22 is young 20s) even someone 4 years older can seem ancient because they are not from your generation and seem dated. I remember when I was 28, my friends had a band manager who was 30 and he was married and they were super nice people, but to me, they may as well have been 50. They were a different generation and seemed really old to me and were only 2 years older.

 

Once people get up closer to 30, those things should even out a bit and you'll possibly be on the same maturity level. But you're not on the same maturity level with anyone under 25 for the most part. And to you they seem young and worth it. To them you seem old and out of touch and they have other more appealing options. It's not a big gap but it's a big difference between a 22 year old and someone nearing 30.

 

These older women with kids like your looks and they are unable to be as picky as the young ones so they are shooting for someone like you when they should be looking for divorcees with kids probably. I agree you should not have to have someone with kids unless you just want to.

 

Try having active interests so you meet someone you have something in common with. It gives you a leg up if you already have a common interest.

[AltarsofMadness]

Those young women have their pick of everybody and without knowing you I can't say why you're being discarded some of the time. Again, I feel you may act or look older or seem out of their generation. When you're in your young 20s (22 is young 20s) even someone 4 years older can seem ancient because they are not from your generation and seem dated. I remember when I was 28, my friends had a band manager who was 30 and he was married and they were super nice people, but to me, they may as well have been 50. They were a different generation and seemed really old to me and were only 2 years older.

 

 

I don't generally go for 22, I generally go more for 24-27

 

Don't a lot of of women that age want an older man because he's more likely to be mature/responsible/stable/successful/etc... (all of which is very much true for me). I feel like I'm the best of both worlds - I am very established and successful but I'm still basically their age at 28

 

 

Once people get up closer to 30, those things should even out a bit and you'll possibly be on the same maturity level. But you're not on the same maturity level with anyone under 25 for the most part. And to you they seem young and worth it. To them you seem old and out of touch and they have other more appealing options. It's not a big gap but it's a big difference between a 22 year old and someone nearing 30.

 

These older women with kids like your looks and they are unable to be as picky as the young ones so they are shooting for someone like you when they should be looking for divorcees with kids probably. I agree you should not have to have someone with kids unless you just want to.

 

Try having active interests so you meet someone you have something in common with. It gives you a leg up if you already have a common interest.

 

 

I need to lock down somebody in next 4 - 5 years

 

If I have to date women in their 30s, I'm going to have to be ok dating someone with kids...which I don't want to. I want to start my own family from scratch

 

 

in terms of active interests, I'm heavily into weight lifting. I've tried to find co ed sports but have had no luck with that

[Sara1989]

You have limited your dating pool but only wanting to date childless women in their mid 20s.

 

You seem very set on your criteria for an partner, maybe these girls are picking up on this and you are scaring them away? no one likes desperation.

[basil67]

Do you think the more competition is enough to explain why I have such fantastic success with either late 20s women who have kids or anybody over 30 and such terrible success with mid 20s women without kids? Or is it my own shortcomings in terms of my confidence/demeanor around them?

 

It could well be competition. It could also be that these women get hit on so often that that they've learned to reject without a second thought. It could be that they aren't interested in dating at all. Not everyone is looking for a partner.

 

Are mid 20s attractive women without that kind of baggage really that unreasonable in their standards? I don't feel like I'm shooting for anybody out of my league - I'm pretty good looking, super fit, super well dressed, make a lot of money, have my own house/fantastic with finances, well spoken, super nice/loyal, good family values, totally want a relationship/kids. Isn't that what every woman my age wants?

 

When I was mid 20's none of this would have turned my head. What I wanted was someone who was fun, who enjoyed doing similar things to me, had similar morals and values and who was generally a good emotional fit. I'd rather have an average guy who I can laugh with.

 

Achievements and attractiveness mean little if there's not a good connection.

[AltarsofMadness]

You have limited your dating pool but only wanting to date childless women in their mid 20s.

 

You seem very set on your criteria for an partner, maybe these girls are picking up on this and you are scaring them away? no one likes desperation.

 

 

 

So you don't think childless women in their 20s should be so much more difficult to date vs women over 30 as it's been in my experience?

 

I'm trying to figure out if my failure rate is my own fault or just a natural bi product of desiring women who are cream of the crop

[AltarsofMadness]

 

When I was mid 20's none of this would have turned my head. What I wanted was someone who was fun, who enjoyed doing similar things to me, had similar morals and values and who was generally a good emotional fit. I'd rather have an average guy who I can laugh with.

 

Achievements and attractiveness mean little if there's not a good connection.

 

 

but even when I approach someone younger and we have a lot in common and seem to get along very well, I still have a big rejection rate

 

 

if we're not a good emotional fit and don't get along well, I wouldn't ask her out anyways.

[elaine567]

I guess if 35 yos and mothers are heavily into you, you are giving off an older vibe, so the 22-28yos see you as too old for them.

 

You may be 28 but you may look a lot older due to your style of clothing or just your general look, face or body shape. How you talk and move around too.

Some at 28 look 18 others look 38+, genetics may play a part.

 

Preraph makes a good point too as when young, 1-2 years can make a huge difference and although there are some women willing to date older guys some just won't.

I used to be able to tell easily within a year how old my immediate peers were and 28yos, when I was 22 were literally "ancient".

 

Look at your wardrobe and you may need to update your language too if you want to appeal to younger women.

I think the "Peter Pan" guys do well with younger women as they still think young and speak the right language, they never really grow up and have thus not gotten staid and older in demeanour...

 

I'm pretty good looking, super fit, super well dressed, make a lot of money, have my own house/fantastic with finances, well spoken, super nice/loyal, good family values, totally want a relationship/kids. Isn't that what every woman my age wants?

- perfect husband material but professional/educated women in the mid twenties are not really looking for that, they still just want fun or "filler" relationships until they settle down at 30+ once their career is established. No wonder you fighting off the single mothers and the 30+ who ARE looking for father/husband material.

[AltarsofMadness]

I guess if 35 yos and mothers are heavily into you, you are giving off an older vibe, so the 22-28yos see you as too old for them.

 

You may be 28 but you may look a lot older due to your style of clothing or just your general look, face or body shape. How you talk and move around too.

Some at 28 look 18 others look 38+, genetics may play a part.

 

Preraph makes a good point too as when young, 1-2 years can make a huge difference and although there are some women willing to date older guys some just won't.

I used to be able to tell easily within a year how old my immediate peers were and 28yos, when I was 22 were literally "ancient".

 

Look at your wardrobe and you may need to update your language too if you want to appeal to younger women.

I think the "Peter Pan" guys do well with younger women as they still think young and speak the right language, they never really grow up and have thus not gotten staid and older in demeanour...

 

- perfect husband material but professional/educated women in the mid twenties are not really looking for that, they still just want fun or "filler" relationships until they settle down at 30+ once their career is established. No wonder you fighting off the single mothers and the 30+ who ARE looking for father/husband material.

 

 

People generally say I look 28-33. I am a darker olive complexion guy, black hair and black eyes. Only reason I think people say I look a little older is I have heavily masculine features in the face (strong jawline, strong chin). I dress very nice/trendy - the way you would expect a successful person my age to dress. I usually go out wearing really nice button down shirts and jeans with casual dress shoes. I am 5'10 195. I look kind of like a professional football fullback or linebacker

 

As far as mid 20s women wanting fun or filler relationships. Don't most women get married at 26-28??? Meaning they met the person they're going to marry at around 22-25??

 

Don't get me wrong - I'm super responsible but it's not like I'm stuffy or boring. I can have fun, I can party all night

[staggerlee71]

Hard to say whats happening but I agree with preraph and basil.

 

This is probably a maturity thing. your going after mid 20's hot chicks who are still having fun and your coming across, unknowingly and because that who you are, as mature and ready to settle down a bit.

 

they smell it on ya!

 

Keep on keeping on. The fact you have confidence to approach these girls, get rejected, and continue is a tribute to your confidence. you also may be a bit intimidating. that's a good thing as it will lead you to the right gal.

 

Its not you my man, its them. Continue your success in life and she will come!

Patience!!

[basil67]

but even when I approach someone younger and we have a lot in common and seem to get along very well, I still have a big rejection rate

 

if we're not a good emotional fit and don't get along well, I wouldn't ask her out anyways.

 

Of course, this means little if she's not interested in a relationship. She could be having too much fun in her life to tie herself down with a boyfriend.

 

Not to mention that you're targeting what you describe as the 'cream of the crop'. Have you any idea how often these girls get hit on? I would imagine the whole thing would get very tiring for them.

[JEG88]

When I was mid 20's none of this would have turned my head. What I wanted was someone who was fun, who enjoyed doing similar things to me, had similar morals and values and who was generally a good emotional fit. I'd rather have an average guy who I can laugh with.

 

Achievements and attractiveness mean little if there's not a good connection.

 

I find this very true of mid-20s women in my experience. Generally, not until they hit 30 are they looking to settle down for an established man. (And if he's slightly younger, that's like their jackpot.)

 

OP, the demeanor and vibe that you give off sounds largely in contrast to the mentality of the women you're after.

[elaine567]

As far as mid 20s women wanting fun or filler relationships. Don't most women get married at 26-28??? Meaning they met the person they're going to marry at around 22-25??

 

Ok, so you are really targeting 22-25yo educated "hot" women with a view to marriage at 26-28, and that is not really going to happen nowadays, especially in the educated women sphere.

If it did, you would be snapped up quickly by these women desperate to find the love of their life at 22...

As it is, they see relationship, house, marriage and kids being waved in their direction and they run away fast.

 

The 30+ women on the other hand...

 

In the UK the average age at first marriage for women is now 30.6.

[basil67]

Ok, so you are really targeting 22-25yo educated "hot" women with a view to marriage at 26-28, and that is not really going to happen nowadays, especially in the educated women sphere.

If it did, you would be snapped up quickly by these women desperate to find the love of their life at 22...

As it is, they see relationship, house, marriage and kids being waved in their direction and they run away fast.

 

The 30+ women on the other hand...

 

In the UK the average age at first marriage for women is now 30.6.

 

I was thinking about this too. I can't give you stats, but from my observation, educated women tend to marry older than 26-28 here too.

[Yosemite]

Why haven't you had a serious relationship before? (Let's define a serious relationship as a year or longer with sex.) Is it because you were sleeping around/lots of fwb's/lots of sex with no emotional attachment? If so, you could still be giving off player or only-interested-in-sex vibes.

 

You may be experiencing difficulty because you might have trouble demonstrating that you are interested in her emotionally as well as physically. Which makes sense because it sounds as if you've never wanted to be in a situation where you would express that before.

 

Another possible reason is that you might come across as a bit arrogant? Most people consider finding "the one" to be a long and arduous process that usually involves a lot work and a bit of luck. If you've been playing around dating only for sex assuming that you'll easily be able to find a cream-of-the-crop woman exactly at the time of your life when you want to, you may unintentionally come across as full of yourself or arrogant.

 

You mention Hispanic women which I'm guessing means you're attempting to date outside of your race. If you live in a conservative part of the country, maybe move to a more liberal area.

[AltarsofMadness]

Why haven't you had a serious relationship before? (Let's define a serious relationship as a year or longer with sex.) Is it because you were sleeping around/lots of fwb's/lots of sex with no emotional attachment? If so, you could still be giving off player or only-interested-in-sex vibes.

 

You may be experiencing difficulty because you might have trouble demonstrating that you are interested in her emotionally as well as physically. Which makes sense because it sounds as if you've never wanted to be in a situation where you would express that before.

 

Another possible reason is that you might come across as a bit arrogant? Most people consider finding "the one" to be a long and arduous process that usually involves a lot work and a bit of luck. If you've been playing around dating only for sex assuming that you'll easily be able to find a cream-of-the-crop woman exactly at the time of your life when you want to, you may unintentionally come across as full of yourself or arrogant.

 

You mention Hispanic women which I'm guessing means you're attempting to date outside of your race. If you live in a conservative part of the country, maybe move to a more liberal area.

 

 

I struggled miserably with confidence with dating pretty much my whole life...couldn't get anybody even halfway decent interested in me. I was fat in high school and it destroyed my confidence with women. I fought this problem very hard for a long time even after I lost all the weight and became fairly decent looking.

 

 

I started to have some success with dating last 2 years in terms of finally having some good looking women show interest in me but I haven't had anybody I can date want to be with me. I've had many attractive women over 35 show lots of interest in me and I've had multiple good looking single moms show lots of interest in me. I haven't had a chance to date anybody that fits what I want...if I did, I would be very happy marrying her within a couple years (assuming all goes perfectly)

 

 

As far as ethnicity, I am from a small country in Eastern Europe but I look sorta Puerto Rican or Greek. I like women with a similar appearance to me - Italians, Greeks, Mexicans, Spanish, Puerto Rican, etc...

[AltarsofMadness]

Ok, so you are really targeting 22-25yo educated "hot" women with a view to marriage at 26-28, and that is not really going to happen nowadays, especially in the educated women sphere.

If it did, you would be snapped up quickly by these women desperate to find the love of their life at 22...

As it is, they see relationship, house, marriage and kids being waved in their direction and they run away fast.

 

The 30+ women on the other hand...

 

In the UK the average age at first marriage for women is now 30.6.

 

 

ok but even if the age of marriage is 30, that means they're meeting that man at around 25-27. That's the sweet spot for me also

[AltarsofMadness]

Of course, this means little if she's not interested in a relationship. She could be having too much fun in her life to tie herself down with a boyfriend.

 

Not to mention that you're targeting what you describe as the 'cream of the crop'. Have you any idea how often these girls get hit on? I would imagine the whole thing would get very tiring for them.

 

 

I am trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong or the heavy rejection rate is a natural result of who I am interested in

 

 

All the data I've ever seen out there says that women still get married at around 27 to say 31....which means they're meeting the man that they want to settle down with at around 22-28...which is basically the age range I am interested in. Even in NYC, the average age is 30-34...which means they're meeting the person they want to marry around 27-30 but that's the very high end. In illinois, the number is 27...again means they're meeting their man at 23

 

 

Something absolutely does not add up. How can a handsome and extraordinarily successful 28 year old man with strong family values who is very interested in marriage/kids struggle to meet someone?? The math just doesn't add up at all

[basil67]

I am trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong or the heavy rejection rate is a natural result of who I am interested in.

 

It could be either. Or possibly both. Outside of romance, how does your social life look? Do you have a few good mates and a mixed gender group of friends?

 

Something absolutely does not add up. How can a handsome and extraordinarily successful 28 year old man with strong family values who is very interested in marriage/kids struggle to meet someone?? The math just doesn't add up at all

 

As I said earlier, the things you list as being in your favour would have left me very ho hum. Degree of handsomeness and extraordinary financial success means little to me. And rightly or wrongly, if you are as handsome and muscled as you describe, I probably would have written you off as being too high maintenance. Give me a regular guy any day.

[AltarsofMadness]

It could be either. Or possibly both. Outside of romance, how does your social life look? Do you have a few good mates and a mixed gender group of friends?

 

my social life is great - lots and lots of friends

 

 

but meeting someone through my friends? forget about it, not a chance in hell...especially with how picky I am. I have to cold approach - I don't even see that many women at bars I want to approach...

 

 

As I said earlier, the things you list as being in your favour would have left me very ho hum. Degree of handsomeness and extraordinary financial success means little to me. And rightly or wrongly, if you are as handsome and muscled as you describe, I probably would have written you off as being too high maintenance. Give me a regular guy any day.

 

 

I am going for women who are good looking and in great shape also though. Wouldn't they want somebody similar to themselves?

Edited October 23, 2017 by AltarsofMadness

[Highndry]

It's really hard to say without seeing you in person, in action, etc. But after reading everything I'd have to say it sounds like your standards are too high. You may be chasing women out of your league. Or, maybe there's something off in your interpersonal communication skills?

 

I've always tended to stay away from the really attractive women. I'm not into the high maintenance types and the ones every guy in the place is drooling over, which sounds like maybe what you're after. There's stiff competition there. I much prefer a more understated beauty, low make-up, not a lot of flash, but more down to earth and I guess plain.

 

The problem for me has been that many of my ex girlfriends have been very insecure, thinking they're not pretty enough for me and that I'm going to leave them for somebody more beautiful. One even told my mom years ago "he'll leave me for a prettier woman." I've never done that, and I never considered myself above them. I found them beautiful, which is why I was with them.