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Dating a divorced hot and cold man


ADM12081706

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Sorry if it’s long- I’ve been dating this man for 2 1/2 months now (we are both divorced. His ex wife cheated on him and my ex was abusive). We had an immediate connection, immediate sparks! We were both completely smitten at first! After the first two weeks one night he had asked if we wanted to “do this”?! The next day when I asked him he said that he wasn’t sure what it meant by wanted to take things slow. A week later one night, while drinking, he told me he loved me. He explained he wasn’t sure if he meant it or not but it felt natural and good tonsay to me and that he had never felt this way for anyone before in his life this quickly. However later on that night we got into an argument. Although we made up and ended up having an amazing night and next day, he became reclusive. A few days later he explained that his divorce brought him to a dark place and that he isn’t ready to be with someone yet. By that he loves spending time with me, loves my company and feels comfortable around me”.

 

So we continue to see eachother 1-2 Times a week, talk every few days on the phone for about 2 weeks. He then plans this awesome weekend for us and a few days before while out for dinner and drinks I tell him I’m falling in love with him. He smiles and says how nice it feels to hear someone say that again and that he’s just taking it all in. We go on to have a great weekend together. And then- he goes cold again! A week goes by where I don’t see him and rarely hear from him so I ask what was going on. AGAIN- he says “he’s not ready to settle down- enjoys his freedom, etc but loves spending time with me”. NOT ONCE did I even mention settling down or even any form of a relationship.

 

That week we spend 3 nights in a row together before he leaves for a weekend trip. He stays in constant contact with me the entire time he’s gone yet when he returns he’s cold again. We see eachother a few days after and he’s back to normal... texting, calling sending pictures, etc. Then this week we spend another 3 nights together. On the last night I mention how I need a mini vacation away in December and he starts saying how “we” should do this and that... I asked if he wanted to go with me on the trip and he said “yeah- Absolutely”! When I talk to him the next day and double check because I was going to start looking into hotels he says “yeah, we’ll see”....

 

I’m completely, 100% in love with this man. He is absolutely amazing and it angers me that his ex couldn’t see how amazing of a man he is (which I’ve told him). We have an amazing time together! We stay up late and just talk, about everything! He’s gotten very deepnseveral times and has told me very personal things about himself and we’ve gotten very close. We have an amazing sex life, and sometimes he just wants me there to sleep, nothing more.

 

He’s told me before that he’s conflicted because everyone tells him to go for it but yet he gets in his own head and that having a gf goes against his “plan” he made. I’m not in a rush to put a label on things, and feel like this has potential to turn into an amazing relationship. But is it normal for a scorned man to blow hot and cold? To go into a cave after we have an amazing time together? I don’t understand it! It’s almost like he needs to force himself to not want to be with me.

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I'd stop chasing him.

 

Let him stay in his "dark space", since he's getting something out of that that he's not getting from you, seeing it's his first destination after spending time with you.

 

Frankly, he doesn't sound ready to be in anything but a FWB and should be treated casually and not seriously at all. You're wasting your youth behind him when there are men who are ready today to be consistent and aren't conflicted and ruled by their pasts.

 

And he's going to keep on doing this as long as you keep running back to him after his tour through the valley of darkness.

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He is conflicted b/c he continues to cling on to his past relationship. He is likely in communication with his ex. Remember, he was the dumpee. That places greater doubt. You may think he's a great guy, but you don't know the whole story. You have no idea exactly why his past relationship ended. When you first date, it should and typically is amazing, but when some commitment is made and you spend much more time, you start to see him/her as he/she really is.

 

You are right. He seems to be forcing himself. He is not ready for a relationship. His on and off is deep conflict and that will keep you unsteady and frustrated. Let him come to you...let him do more work and you'll see if he is really that into you.

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Eternal Sunshine

Divorced men that have been cheated on are the worst to date. They have been forced into ending a marriage through an external event rather than through falling out of love. That's a dangerous territory. Most of them would be with their ex in a second if they had a chance and knew they won't be cheated on again. Most still keep in contact, testing the waters with the ex who will show much more interest (this is guaranteed) once she finds out he is in a new relationship.

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He’s explained to me in great detail about their split and what happened. He only talk to the ex on a need to basis (no kids). She is still with the man she had cheated with. He had filed for divorce. I’m pretty confident he has no interest in her or being with her. Aside from what he tells me, I can see he has no interest in her or being with her. One time in particular he had to go through an old storage unit with her and texted me constantly about how much he disliked being around her. I understand the I’ll feelings he has towards her, as I still have them towards my ex. He once had gotten so upset after what I told him my ex did he got angry and told me he was going to beat my ex’s ass.

 

The problem is that I’ve never dated and emotionally unavailable man before. I’m willing to give him the space and time he needs and show him he deserves love. There’s something truly special about this man, that I can’t completely explain in words- which he’s admitted the same about me- so I don’t want to walk away just yet. Because I do honestly feel there’s something special between us. When we’re together or he’s out of his funk, we’re AMAZING! I’m just not sure how to completely handle the situation, showing him he can trust me, he can have his space, etc etc....

Edited by ADM12081706
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He’s explained to me in great detail about their split and what happened. He only talk to the ex on a need to basis (no kids). She is still with the man she left him for. I’m pretty confident he has no interest in her or being with her. Aside from what he tells me, I can see he has no interest in her or being with her.

 

The problem is that I’ve never dated and emotionally unavailable man before. I’m willing to give him the space and time he needs and show him he deserves love. There’s something truly special about this man, that I can’t completely explain in words- which he’s admitted the same about me- so I don’t want to walk away just yet. Because I do honestly feel there’s something special between us. When we’re together or he’s out of his funk, we’re AMAZING! I’m just not sure how to completely handle the situation, showing him he can trust me, he can have his space, etc etc....

 

I don't necessarily see him as emotionally unavailable. He's really opened up at times, it just seems he's scared of being hurt again. That's my guess.

 

Was he drunk when he said "I love you?" I'd be wary if so. Guys will spout a lot of BS when under the influence. I know, I used to do it when I was young and stupid, then I grew up. The problem with drinkers is a lot of them never do grow up emotionally.

 

Anyhow, if you like him as much as you say, I'd be patient while protecting your own heart. It sounds like things may work out, but pulling the plug too soon could end something that may well have had a happy ending. 10 weeks is a very short relationship.

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He’s explained to me in great detail about their split and what happened. He only talk to the ex on a need to basis (no kids). She is still with the man she had cheated with. He had filed for divorce. I’m pretty confident he has no interest in her or being with her. Aside from what he tells me, I can see he has no interest in her or being with her. One time in particular he had to go through an old storage unit with her and texted me constantly about how much he disliked being around her. I understand the I’ll feelings he has towards her, as I still have them towards my ex. He once had gotten so upset after what I told him my ex did he got angry and told me he was going to beat my ex’s ass.

 

The problem is that I’ve never dated and emotionally unavailable man before. I’m willing to give him the space and time he needs and show him he deserves love. There’s something truly special about this man, that I can’t completely explain in words- which he’s admitted the same about me- so I don’t want to walk away just yet. Because I do honestly feel there’s something special between us. When we’re together or he’s out of his funk, we’re AMAZING! I’m just not sure how to completely handle the situation, showing him he can trust me, he can have his space, etc etc....

 

My dear you don't have to walk away from him. Hold on to him and see what develops? We all have certain people we connect with but still unsure of the connection. You are feeling that now. I say it differently here, so I with you 100% because I am a relationship that goes against the rules. To me who cares what matter is what you want out of this. You clearly said he's amazing! Yes he sure sound like to me too. You got with gut and mind. You know what you want. He's been hurt by his prior who cheated on him. In time he will not even bother to talk to her. All he knows is her. That will past. Trust needs to be earned and he can't trust anyone right now his ex caused that trust to be broken for all who comes in contact with him. Ask him to move in with you to gain his trust for you.

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Have you listened to him at all ?

 

He has told you more than once he is not ready for a relationship. Yes that is how 'men not ready for a relationship' behave.

 

I will tell you what I have repeated 100 times on here. Do not date men recently out of relationships! They have a lot of mourning to do, they need space, they don't know what they want, they won't settle with the first woman they come across!

 

These men at first fall fast because it feels good but once the newness gone they withdraw. When they're ready to move on and find love again they don't stay with their first gf. She's just a reminder of a difficult phase of their life.

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I have to disagree with that even if he said that, deep down you the truth already Excuses will shoot out of their mouth. He is a prime example of saying one thing and meaning the other. He gone out with you and you had a great time. he can get over his ex she clearly did with another man. You have shot at this. I say the old ways of thinking doesn't apply with you. You just got a psychic reading from me and listen you'll have great time in the months ahead.!

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Thank you for the replies.

 

Yes- he does seem afraid of being hurt and I think that’s a lot of it. He told me he had a plan just to date women casually and when he met me I totally changed the game. Yes we had been drinking when he said he loved me, but he wasn’t drunk.

 

No- I’m not asking him to move in with me.

 

I realize that he has said that he didn’t want to settle down, and typically I would take it at face value and move on. It’s been almost 2 years since him and his ex split and about 1 1/2 for me. He has dated other girls prior to me and I have done the same. So it’s not the first relationship we’ve had post divorce/split.

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He’s explained to me in great detail about their split and what happened. He only talk to the ex on a need to basis (no kids). She is still with the man she had cheated with. He had filed for divorce. I’m pretty confident he has no interest in her or being with her. Aside from what he tells me, I can see he has no interest in her or being with her. .
It's not about her it's about him. Divorces are difficult even if the marriage was bad. It's one of the most stressful even in someone's life. There is a deep feeling of failure and discouragement at the thought of starting life all over again. He needs to find himself again, figure things out for himself, make peace with what happened and grow from it all. That's why it's important to remain single for a while after a divorce or break up.

 

The problem is that I’ve never dated and emotionally unavailable man before. I’m willing to give him the space and time he needs and show him he deserves love. There’s something truly special about this man, that I can’t completely explain in words- which he’s admitted the same about me- so I don’t want to walk away just yet. Because I do honestly feel there’s something special between us. When we’re together or he’s out of his funk, we’re AMAZING! I’m just not sure how to completely handle the situation, showing him he can trust me, he can have his space, etc etc....

 

But it's not going to happen. It rarely happens that way. What you want to do is play his emotional nurse till he gets better. Yes he will get better but he won't keep his nurse.

 

This amazing feeling is normal, you are both experiencing the New-Relationship-Energy but it's not love, it's not special, it's all about a chemistry in the brain. Once that infatuation will start to settle you'll be left with the real both of you. It's when he'll move on.

 

I know I am raining on your parade but we see this on daily basis on here and I have experienced it myself too often to not have learn from it.

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He’s explained to me in great detail about their split and what happened. He only talk to the ex on a need to basis (no kids). She is still with the man she had cheated with. He had filed for divorce.

 

* People over their divorce do not go in great details about their split.

 

* They have split 2 years ago but has just file for divorce. Shouldn't it be done with by now?

 

One time in particular he had to go through an old storage unit with her
After 2 years separated and no kids why do they still have common storage?

 

and texted me constantly about how much he disliked being around her. I understand the I’ll feelings he has towards her,

 

* Again behavior of a man not over his divorce. What you want is a man feeling *indifferent* not a man experiencing dislike, hate, frustration, etc. That's a dead give away he's bitter and not over it. Not being over someone doesn't mean we're still in love with them, it means we are not at peace! hate = not being over as much as love = not over.

 

as I still have them towards my ex. He once had gotten so upset after what I told him my ex did he got angry and told me he was going to beat my ex’s ass.

Means nothing.

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He may indeed be still reeling from his marriage break up, but you may have to consider that he has another woman on the go or he is still playing the field.

You seem to be "all in" with a guy who hardly sees you and is apparently playing games.

 

YOU are just out of an abusive relationship, so I guess you are hungry for the attention.

 

This guy is NOT "amazing", he is a guy playing hot and cold when he feels like it.

His hot/cold behaviour may be exactly why his ex dumped him and looked for another, so forget about the high horse and the anger about how his ex treated him, you weren't there.

YOU have only known him for 2 1/2 months and only see him 1-2x a week, you are unfortunately in the FWB zone as it seems you have not established exclusivity nor does it seem he actually wants a relationship with you.

 

Just because a man is not abusing you, does not mean you have to put up with this lukewarm performance. He calls the shots and you are left upset when he doesn't call...

You are hinging all this on the fact he said he loves you but guys do lie, especially if sex is on the menu...

 

You are now tying yourself in knots as to how you can make things better FOR HIM...

You have just left one man who made you unhappy now you are teeing up another... Try dating a more normal guy, forget this fixer upper.

Listen to Gaeta,

You will be his nurse until he heals and he doesn't need you any longer...

 

(BTW hot and cold is the hallmark of still married/attached men, so be very careful.)

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It's not about her it's about him. Divorces are difficult even if the marriage was bad. It's one of the most stressful even in someone's life. There is a deep feeling of failure and discouragement at the thought of starting life all over again. He needs to find himself again, figure things out for himself, make peace with what happened and grow from it all. That's why it's important to remain single for a while after a divorce or break up.

 

But it's not going to happen. It rarely happens that way. What you want to do is play his emotional nurse till he gets better. Yes he will get better but he won't keep his nurse.

 

This amazing feeling is normal, you are both experiencing the New-Relationship-Energy but it's not love, it's not special, it's all about a chemistry in the brain. Once that infatuation will start to settle you'll be left with the real both of you. It's when he'll move on.

 

I know I am raining on your parade but we see this on daily basis on here and I have experienced it myself too often to not have learn from it.

 

I completely agree as I myself am also divorced. However I don’t agree with “playing emotional nurse & saying that it’s not love”. I don’t want to “play” his emotional nurse. Yes I can tell the affair and his divorce has left him discouraged and insecure. He is truly one of the most amazing people I’ve ever met, and care about him so much that I want himself see that again about himsel, EVEN if it means we don’t end up together. I’ve also been in love before, and unfortunately while it didn’t work out with my ex husband, I am aware of the difference between infatuation and love. Call me nieave, however I believe this is different. I have never connected with someone this deeply before in my life. THAT- is the problem. Other guys I’ve dated before I’ve had no problem walking away from. Some came back some didnt and it didn’t ruin my life. But for some reason, THIS man is on a completely different level.

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* People over their divorce do not go in great details about their split.

 

* They have split 2 years ago but has just file for divorce. Shouldn't it be done with by now?

 

After 2 years separated and no kids why do they still have common storage?

 

 

 

* Again behavior of a man not over his divorce. What you want is a man feeling *indifferent* not a man experiencing dislike, hate, frustration, etc. That's a dead give away he's bitter and not over it. Not being over someone doesn't mean we're still in love with them, it means we are not at peace! hate = not being over as much as love = not over.

 

 

Means nothing.

 

No. They’ve been separated forn2 years, divorced for 1. I was saying that HE had filed for divorce, not her.

 

By common storage- he allowed her to stay in their old house until it was sold, which it did about a month ago. They have not spoken since then. However, my ex husband and I still share a phone plan. It doesn’t mean ANYTHING.

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This guy is still in love with his ex. It doesn't matter that she cheated on him and is now with someone else he still loves her. I don't know why you are confused because he has told you more than once the type of relationship he wants to have with you. He pulls away because he knows you want more and he isn't going to give it. He wants a casual relationship where you enjoy each other while together and then go about your lives until the next time. If this arrangement is not working for you stop seeing him.

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He may indeed be still reeling from his marriage break up, but you may have to consider that he has another woman on the go or he is still playing the field.

You seem to be "all in" with a guy who hardly sees you and is apparently playing games.

 

YOU are just out of an abusive relationship, so I guess you are hungry for the attention.

 

This guy is NOT "amazing", he is a guy playing hot and cold when he feels like it.

His hot/cold behaviour may be exactly why his ex dumped him and looked for another, so forget about the high horse and the anger about how his ex treated him, you weren't there.

YOU have only known him for 2 1/2 months and only see him 1-2x a week, you are unfortunately in the FWB zone as it seems you have not established exclusivity nor does it seem he actually wants a relationship with you.

 

Just because a man is not abusing you, does not mean you have to put up with this lukewarm performance. He calls the shots and you are left upset when he doesn't call...

You are hinging all this on the fact he said he loves you but guys do lie, especially if sex is on the menu...

 

You are now tying yourself in knots as to how you can make things better FOR HIM...

You have just left one man who made you unhappy now you are teeing up another... Try dating a more normal guy, forget this fixer upper.

Listen to Gaeta,

You will be his nurse until he heals and he doesn't need you any longer...

 

(BTW hot and cold is the hallmark of still married/attached men, so be very careful.)

 

Thank you for the advice, however I will say that portions of it I am taking offensively and it’s a little hard not. I foremost did not come here to be insulted or told that I’m hungry for attention because my ex husband useto beat me.

 

We HAVE established exclusivity, weeks ago and have both agreed that we would only date and sleep with eachother because we have no interest in anyone else.

 

I see him at minimal 1-2 times a week. I am WELL AWARE that just because he’s not abusing me that I don’t need to settle (unbelievable comment). I am not upset that he doesn’t call. I’m am fine with him needing space, I have a life as well. Nor am I hanging onto the fact that he said he loved me. Yes guys lie, especially when sex is on the table. Not to sound crude however, he already knew he was getting it that night, so telling me he loved me for that... is pointless.

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Although some posters on here can be blunt, they are just trying to help you. However, I don't agree with everything from the other posters and I can understand why you were insulted. That being said, I can see this guy only causing you heartache in the future. I hope I'm wrong but if he is going hot and cold like this, that means he isn't ready. Just because you feel like he can be the one, doesn't necessarily mean that he is.

 

I understand how it feels when you connect with someone in just about every area, I dated someone for a month like that, you get so excited and see the endless possibilities. But if this really was meant to be something special, you wouldn't have to be confused or doubting how he feels. When it's real, it's easy, there isn't all of this second guessing and hot and cold behavior. In my case, I was just ghosted after the month and I was so confused and always thought he made a mistake. But he didn't. I made the mistake of not ignoring the signs earlier, I was too caught up in all of the feelings and excitement.

 

My advice is to proceed with caution. I know you're not asking him for a relationship, but go forward with the realization that this has a good chance of not ending well. I hope for the best for you either way. Dating can be so damn hard and you deserve happiness after what you've been through.

 

Good luck!

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I am aware of the difference between infatuation and love. Call me nieave, however I believe this is different. I have never connected with someone this deeply before in my life. THAT- is the problem. Other guys I’ve dated before I’ve had no problem walking away from. Some came back some didnt and it didn’t ruin my life. But for some reason, THIS man is on a completely different level.

 

Just for the sake of debating here.

 

You say you love him but you've known him a total of 8 weeks. You are in love with what exactly? After 8 weeks you've only seen of him what he's allowed you to see. You don't know this man enough to claim loving him, unless my definition of love is drastically different than yours. To me butterflies and infatuation aren't love.

 

It's ALWAYS dandy and amazing at first that's why it's important to not rush with words like ILY. What could possibly be this amazing connection when there is a world you don't know about this man!

 

Years ago I was in abusive relationship too. Don't you remember how your ex was amazing too at first? Do you remember how he was so good to sweep you off of your feet with words and grand gestures? You would have never believed that one day that man would have abused of you and hit you. It took a while for the abuse to sneak in didn't it? It's the same here. You don't know this man, all you know is that he's on his best behavior because it's been only 8 weeks. For all you know he could be controlling, manipulative, abusive, he could be a liar, lazy, dishonest, name it. You know it takes time to get to know someone's true nature so slow down, and take him down from his pedestal. He has not earned it yet.

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You are letting your emotions do the talking, and your brain ain't doin any thinkin. There is nothing right about being with someone who is emotionally unavailable. You are giving him all the control here.....what about you and your needs??? For the sake of the emotional high you are getting from him, you are willing to do whatever it takes to hang onto it. sure you can talk yourself into thinking he deserves love, he needs your help. Sorry but been here a long time and I have never seen these things have a happy ending....just suffering.

 

Hey it's all up to you. You want to stick it out, by all means. None of us have the magic solution to make this all fluffy clouds and blue sky for you.

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Divorced men that have been cheated on are the worst to date. They have been forced into ending a marriage through an external event rather than through falling out of love. That's a dangerous territory. Most of them would be with their ex in a second if they had a chance and knew they won't be cheated on again. Most still keep in contact, testing the waters with the ex who will show much more interest (this is guaranteed) once she finds out he is in a new relationship.

 

You are joking right? 90% of the guys in the situation you describe NEVER LEAVE THE MARRIAGE!!!

 

If the guy files for divorce it means he is done with the relationship. Yes it takes some time to get over it, but that doesn't mean you still love the bitch that stabbed you in the back.

 

The main problem with guys in this situation isn't that they are hung up on the ex. It's that they are not ready to trust women in general again.

 

He’s explained to me in great detail about their split and what happened. He only talk to the ex on a need to basis (no kids). She is still with the man she had cheated with. He had filed for divorce. I’m pretty confident he has no interest in her or being with her. Aside from what he tells me, I can see he has no interest in her or being with her. One time in particular he had to go through an old storage unit with her and texted me constantly about how much he disliked being around her. I understand the I’ll feelings he has towards her, as I still have them towards my ex. He once had gotten so upset after what I told him my ex did he got angry and told me he was going to beat my ex’s ass.

 

Look, you met the guy early on. It took me 2 years. 2 full years to be willing to trust again.

 

In the meantime I went hot and cold. Had all these feelings of guilt and fear. You start to fall in love with a woman, but you are afraid she is going to do you dirty... because that's been your experience so far.

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Don't bother with hot and cold men. Just do not.

 

I agree with Cookie she's smart and knows what she's saying.. Listen OP..

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90% of the guys in the situation you describe NEVER LEAVE THE MARRIAGE!!!

 

It's an even better testimony. If OP's bf had a choice he would have remained in his marriage.

 

OP, his ex is still with the man she cheated on him with. That means it was not just a ONS or a fling, it was a love affair and she left him to be with her lover. I bet SHE is the one who filed for divorce, not your guy.

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It's an even better testimony. If OP's bf had a choice he would have remained in his marriage.

 

OP, his ex is still with the man she cheated on him with. That means it was not just a ONS or a fling, it was a love affair and she left him to be with her lover. I bet SHE is the one who filed for divorce, not your guy.

 

Regardless of who did the filing of the paperwork, his wife did the leaving of the marriage.

 

OP, I think you just need to take things at face value.

 

He may have said, "I love you," but then he kind of took it back. It also came quite early in the relationship and it sounds like he may have had a few drinks or perhaps came in a moment of passion.

 

Then when you told him that you were falling in love with him, he basically just smiled and said that was nice to hear.

 

He has said he doesn't want anything serious and just enjoys spending time with you.

 

He initially agrees to a trip in a month or two and then hedges later.

 

And yet...you're having amazing sex and deep talks all that. So it's confusing you, right?

 

Maybe he's overestimating his capacity to be in a relationship. Maybe he takes two steps forward and then gets panicky. Even if you think - but he's so great, if only he were ready - he's NOT.

 

Even if you think 'all this is' is him scaring himself or 'trying to stick to a plan' he made when he divorced...well, that's what he's doing. And if he's doing that, he WILL mess up your relationship. And he's more committed to doing that than growing your R. For whatever reason.

 

You just can't talk a man out of his decision to only spend time together and not be serious. And especially if you still give him all the benefits of a relationship anyway, why would he do anything different? He has it all! No commitment, but this girl is fine with it. Sweet!

 

And if you back off because what he wants isn't what you want, and you lose him because of it...you never had him anyway.

 

Just...believe what he says. That's all.

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