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Dumped for being "too shy"


tomoyo

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Met this guy in July, immediately liked him a lot, we went on a couple dates, then I went abroad for a couple weeks at the begining of august, kept in contact the whole time, and started dating more seriously when I got home. Everything seemed fine, I was a bit apprehensive of his feelings toward me because he was a bad texter and didn't initiate seeing me a lot (We both do have busy schedules, so it was 1-2 times a week).

 

I met his friends once in early september at a concert, didn't really talk much because we were at a show, again briefly at his work tallent show, I spoke briefly to them but they weren't super engaging with me, and I'm quite shy so I mainly just stayed quiet. We went out for drinks with his one other band mate and I think I was pretty social and talked to them both all night. That was the last time I saw his friends. Then this weekend I was having a rough time, I have some anxiety issues and moments of insecurity from a past relationship. He had invited me to come watch his band weeks ago, and told me to invite my friends. But leading up to the day he never made any plans with me (ie, no offer to pick me up, meet him there, nothing) the day of I was having a rough day (close friend's mom is dying and I found out) and had a few things trigger my insecurity. I called him to see what the plan was for the night, he told me he was heading over to the bar with his friends to have some beers before he went on stage, no mentioned of me being there or meeting him or anything. So I asked "Uh, you want me to come tonight still right?" and it weirded him out that I asked that, he was like "Yeah, you're invited, you invited your friends! Stop being so weird!" (this is litterally the FIRST time I have acted on an insecure impulse, it was an emotional day and I just wanted some affirmation that my presence was wanted)

 

I showed up at the concert venue (small bar) and he and all his friends were already there, but so were my two friends that I had invited. I quickly said hi to him, one of his friends said hi to me and asked how it was going, I said hi back and responded with a friendly "Hey! Good how are you?" and then went to find my friends. Over the night I pretty much just stayed with them while he bounced from table to table, totally acceptable. After he played my friends left, I asked what his plans were and if he wanted to come over after, he said no and he was going to go home to bed soon. He also said that I could take off if I wanted since I worked the next day. I stayed for one more drink, we were at a table the two of us, so he said "lets go back over to everyone else". I walked over with him, but because I am very shy and had only met them twice before I just stayed beside him and didn't really walk and watched the next band. He didn't say a word to me during the performance and he seemed almost annoyed with me. when the last band finished I said I was going to take off because I worked the next day, he gave me barely a kiss, and immediately turned back to his friends, didn't walk me to my car or anything. Then for the last three days I only got the bare minimum texts (I stopped texting him first because he seemed weird sunday so I thought I would give him space).

 

Last night he called and said I seemed distant, I said he had seemed the same and I was giving him space. I told him he had actually felt off for a while, not really texting me a whole lot (I barely heard from him and when I did his answers were always short, I just thought he was a bad texter) and that he rarely asked to see me. When he said he was being respectful of my studies I said "those are a priority, but so are you, and I would have happily shuffled my study schedule to see you"

 

Then he launched into sunday, and said he didn't like that I am so different in public and in private with him. In private things are great, but he was bothered that I seem so different when we are out with other people. He was upset that I didnt' try to talk to his friends at all sunday and was thrown off by my asking if he wanted there. I explained that I had gotten some bad news sunday, so I was feeling off, and my own friends were there and I didn't want to ignore him. Then I explained to him "I have social anxiety, so large group situations make me nervous and uncomfortable, it takes me a while to warm up to people. Thats just how I am and it's not likely to change" Which I thought was fair, you can't force and intorvert to be extroverted, and if things are good when its just us that is what should matter. He said if its not likely to change then he didn't see this moving forward. I was very upset, and said "You don't even want to give me an opportunity to work on this? You are dumping me because I'm SHY?!" and he just started giving me a bunch of bull****, so I said "Forget it. Good luck finding someone that is perfect" and hung up.

 

I just am so blown away right now. Because I'm SHY?! I even tried to explain that I had been having a rough day, my friends were also in attendance, and I do have anxiety and that is a difficult thing for me. I know I shouldn't be this worked up, we only dated for like 2.5 months. But this really hurt. I really liked him and thought this was going somewhere.

 

Should I call him? Try and say I will work on my shyness? Let it go? I keep thinking maybe he will change his mind and call me, it was late at night, and he had been out drinking with his friends. But it's been a few days since the concert, so I guess his mind is made up.

 

Do you think I will hear from him? I just am at a complete loss. I have never had someone tell me that that was the deal breaker. Shouldn't it be most important how I am with you one on one? Now I just feel like something is wrong with me.

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My dear he doesn't appreciate you. You told him why and he didn't care to listen to you. So what he did was the easy way out. He has made up his mind. Nothing you can say or do. Might have found someone else. Just move on and found a guy who want to be with you no matter what...

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Let it go.

 

This guy never seemed very into you.

The shyness thing might not have been a factor if he was more into you to begin with.

 

However, if you go by what he said, he basically rejects a core element of your personality.

If you stuck around, you would feel even more awkward in social situations than you already do.

How can you be yourself if he doesn't accept you as you are?

 

Work on your social anxiety for your own sake, but not this guy.

He's not the guy for you.

 

Also, never chase a guy... especially one that breaks up with you.

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Cookiesandough

He never sounded that interested. And no, it's not just how you are one on one. People want someone who ticks their boxes in all areas. There's nothing wrong with you. Many guys like shy girls

Edited by Cookiesandough
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I'm gonna say you better let him go. The attraction waned for more than one reason, but that may have been the main one. It's a compatibility thing. He prefers a certain personality type, oh well can win them all. It's not a match. You just move on. That's why we date....to see if we are a good match and feelings progress...it just so happens it wasn't working for him.

 

The first red flag is that he was a bad texter. Even bad texters will step it up if the interest is strong. The busy schedules was probably another issue.

Edited by smackie9
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Wasn't it possible for you and your friends to join him and his friends? Weird that he just bounces from table to table. He should have asked to join them?

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Wasn't it possible for you and your friends to join him and his friends? Weird that he just bounces from table to table. He should have asked to join them?

 

 

He could have. I feel like the entire blame for not interacting with his friends should not fall to me, as they did not make any attempts to talk to me either. The whole things feels like a very juvenile, petty reason to break up with someone.

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I feel maybe I shouldn't have said to him "I have social anxiety and have a tough time in groups of new people, that's not likely to change." Maybe he took that to mean I would never talk to his friends ever? But what I meant was simply that it takes me a little longer to get used to people before I open up, and that is what is not going to change. Not me not talking to his friends ever. I wish I had clarified that better.

 

I just keep hoping I'll hear from him. That he will realize how ridiculous a reason this was. In my experiences and my friends experiences guys almost always come back, because they are usually more impulsive about breaking up than us and change their minds later. But I dont think this one will. Even just an apology for how things ended would have been nice. I feel like I deserved more than a drunk late night phone call.

Edited by tomoyo
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Cookiesandough

You did not say that you would not talk to his friends ever. You said that it takes you a while to open up to new people. You also already said that you would try to work on it. When he said if it is unlikely to change he does not see it going forward, you asked him"you're not going to give me a chance to work on it?[...]"

 

I don't know what BS he gave, but it sounds like he was lukewarm for a while and this was the straw that broke the camels back or he was reaching for a reason to break it off. Remember, he was pulling them back a lot even before this event to the point where you weren't sure if you were still invited. It's also not normal to be apprehensive or unsure if someone likes you 2.5 months in. When men are into you they intiate texts/calls/dates often. I think it's just a matter of you finding someone you're more compatible with like smackie said

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Then I explained to him "I have social anxiety, so large group situations make me nervous and uncomfortable, it takes me a while to warm up to people. Thats just how I am and it's not likely to change" Which I thought was fair, you can't force and intorvert to be extroverted, and if things are good when its just us that is what should matter.

 

There's a difference between shy vs. social anxiety vs. introversion. Do you have all three?

 

He said if its not likely to change then he didn't see this moving forward.

 

You explicitly told him you were unlikely to change, he decided that wouldn't work for him, so he ended things. You two only dated 2.5 months -- he is perfectly within his right decide he didn't want a girlfriend who has social anxiety. It sucks, but don't take it personally.

 

I was very upset, and said "You don't even want to give me an opportunity to work on this? You are dumping me because I'm SHY?!" and he just started giving me a bunch of bull****, so I said "Forget it. Good luck finding someone that is perfect" and hung up.

 

I think you reaction was a little over top, and also confusing. You told him you were unlikely to change, and then in a quick turnaround offered to work on the problem.

 

I suggest you just move on a find a guy who is compatible with your shyness/social anxiety/introversion.

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There's a difference between shy vs. social anxiety vs. introversion. Do you have all three?

 

 

 

You explicitly told him you were unlikely to change, he decided that wouldn't work for him, so he ended things. You two only dated 2.5 months -- he is perfectly within his right decide he didn't want a girlfriend who has social anxiety. It sucks, but don't take it personally.

 

 

 

I think you reaction was a little over top, and also confusing. You told him you were unlikely to change, and then in a quick turnaround offered to work on the problem.

 

I suggest you just move on a find a guy who is compatible with your shyness/social anxiety/introversion.

 

 

It is not likely to change with new people, I am always going to feel nervous in large groups of strangers, my chest clenches up and I feel really panicked. That part is not likely to change.

 

When I said I would work on it I meant that I would work on getting more comfortable around his friends. Surely he will not have endless groups of new people for me to meet, this should not have been a long term battle, just something he would have to be conscious of as I get comfortable around people, that is something that is going to be harder for me than most people. I understand that not everyone wants to deal with someone with anxiety. But to me, this is an issue that just required some understanding and patience, like I have been with some of his flaws. It just felt to me like a complete lack of sensitivity and compassion.

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Stop thinking like you did something wrong.

If you threw a drink in his friend's face for fun, then yeah, you messed up.

 

The bottom line is that this guy was not into you enough, and the signs were there even before this happened.

 

The way he was acting even before meeting up would have turned me off completely.

Lack of interest turns me off.

I suggest you try to get to a place where it turns you off too.

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Cookiesandough
It is not likely to change with new people, I am always going to feel nervous in large groups of strangers, my chest clenches up and I feel really panicked. That part is not likely to change.

 

When I said I would work on it I meant that I would work on getting more comfortable around his friends. Surely he will not have endless groups of new people for me to meet, this should not have been a long term battle, just something he would have to be conscious of as I get comfortable around people, that is something that is going to be harder for me than most people. I understand that not everyone wants to deal with someone with anxiety. But to me, this is an issue that just required some understanding and patience, like I have been with some of his flaws. It just felt to me like a complete lack of sensitivity and compassion.

Not everyone is outgoing and extroverted. Some people are quieter, keep to themselves, and feel uncomfortable in crowds or engaging with strangers. There's nothing wrong with that. Often, it's just personality. People go their whole lives that way without it causing much if any issue.

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Sorry OP, but I understand why he reacted that way.

 

You may not see introversion, social anxiety, quietness, shyness etc. as a deal breaker, but it can be hard for people to distinguish between that behavior and being rude. Sounds like this guy was embarrassed because you came off as rude to his friends. They can’t read your mind; they can’t tell if you’re shy or if you dislike them because the behavior often looks exactly the same.

 

You should develop strategies for when you meet new people, where you let them know that you have social anxiety so that they won’t think that you’re being rude. Some kind of line or joke that lets them know that you have trouble speaking until you get to know people well.

 

Extreme shyness is a deal breaker for a lot of people and a lot of people don’t want to have to do all of the work when their partner has to meet someone new.

 

Find someone who’s more introverted like you and they’ll be more understanding and won’t mind when you’re quiet because they’ll most likely be quiet in that situation too. Or find someone who doesn’t mind that you’re quiet when you meet new people, but don’t be surprised that some people don’t want to deal with it at all.

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Actually there will be endless groups of new people to meet. Each time he gets a new job or a change in band members. When you're invited to a wedding and don't know many of the guests. Or a 30th birthday bash. Or you move house and get new friends. When your kids go to school and you meet all the new parents. I'm 50 and am still meeting groups of new people.

 

While it's disappointing that things didn't work out, I'm not going to set him up as a bad guy here. He's a social guy and a good match for him is a woman who is comfortable in group situations and who doesn't have issues with anxiety. In short, he wants a woman who can hold her own. It's not an unreasonable expectation.

 

Regarding your future, you told him that your anxiety is unlikely to change. Is that what a psychologist has told you? If so, you need a new one. However, if you're not seeing a psychologist, it would be worth doing so. I'm sure that getting help to reduce anxiety would be a great outcome for you.

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mortensorchid

That sounds like bulls*** to me. He doesn't deserve you. Let him find a trashy girl who will make things dramatic, will alienate him from his friends/family, will ruin things for him. Then he will remember how good you were and he'll regret it like he will again no doubt.

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Eternal Sunshine

You will find that nearly every man has a preference for bubbly, outgoing, bossy/controlling "confident" females.

 

Men love to be told what to do and enjoy drama and angst that comes with females that have mental health issues on the spectrum of mania.

 

Quiet, introverted men are the worst choice because they are even more into "their opposite" in terms of personality.

 

Also, don't be too vulnerable with men that you just started dating in telling them about your social anxiety. They simply don't care. All they want at the start of dating is lightness and sex and fun. They can only handle the "heavy stuff" once they get attached, much further down the line (and even then, many will bail). I know that you hoped that if you explained in detail why you are shy he will show some compassion, but no, he only cares if he is having fun. This is not the exception, this is the norm. Finding someone different will be like looking for a needle in a haystack.

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Cookiesandough

It's important to draw a distinction between shyness, introversion, and social anxiety disorder.

 

Shyness is a kind of personality trait. People are born shy. You see it in babies. It is not a disorder. You are shy if you are reserved, quiet, anxious in social situations.

 

Introversion means that you prefer solitary activities, communicating in smaller groups or one on one, and feel more at peace in solitude. It is often linked to shyness, but not always.

 

You can get therapy for this but really what you will be doing is stressing yourself environmentally to change something that's basically hardwired from birth. Therapy is not recommended to make an introvert and extrovert or a more logical and analytical person more creative and freespirited.

 

 

Social anxiety disorder is something completely different. It's an intense amount of fear or embarrassment in social performance situations, to a point at which the affected you often avoid the situations or there is a huge amount of distress associated. It impairs functioning in life. It usually has an environmental cause. A naturally outgoing, extroverted boy who was bullied by his peers for years may develop social anxiety. Op, if this is you, please seek professional help if you have not already done so

 

 

My dad is shy and introverted. He has been since he was a child. My mom is a loud, outgoing extrovert. I agree that opposites in this way often attract from my observation. Extrovert people who like to be the center of attention usually have a quieter partner. I also agree that generally outgoing people seem more fun because they are more open, speak up more, and are usually the 'life of the party', that doesn't mean that being shy and introverted is an entirely negative thing. Shy people are often better listeners and more reflective. When they do speak what they say is often reflected upon more carefully. My dad rarely speaks in large groups, but occasionally he'll crack a sarcastic joke and everyone will laugh.

 

 

Not mingling with his friends like you'd known them for years may have been the final blow, but I think it was far from the only one. It sounds like a cop out, really. I believe I'm an extrovert but due to being bullied I become anxious in social situations sometimes. My ex was in a band as well and there's a lot of networking/socializing/meeting new people involved. Like you, I was polite and spoke to people when I was spoken to, but I mostly stayed beside him or kept to myself. He didn't mind at all. It totally depends on the person.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Unfortunately, you made this all about you and how you were feeling and how "impossible" it is for you to speak to his friends, BUT in real life who really cares about YOUR social anxiety?

 

Most people do not like meeting new people, it can be scary, but we all hide our fears, our insecurities and our troubles and just get on with it.

We learn to be friendly, we learn how to relax and we learn how to come across as a "normal" person in any situation we may be thrown into.

 

You, no doubt came across as aloof, sulky and unfriendly and his friends probably went "wtf".

Instead of him being able to proudly show you off, and it all being relaxed and cool with everyone mixed up, he ended up having to bounce between tables all night. You then managed to corner him all to yourself for a while but again you did not mix when he eventually had to go back to his friends to keep them happy.

 

People with friends want a gf who will fit in, a gf that is friendly and appears interested in him and his friends. Fitting in is essential, especially with a guy who is in a band and who is a sociable man.

There is no need to play guitar, tell jokes all night or end up dancing on the table, but you need to be "normal".

YOU, I guess came across here as not "normal", and that is often a deal breaker.

You need to do some work on your "shyness".

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This is a great explanation.

 

I'm sick and tired of people that mix the three.

 

For example I am introverted - meaning I DO enjoy, a lot, solitary activities. I also hate crowds - not because I'm anxious in crowds, it is just not a setting that I enjoy. My preferred activities are either in small groups (one-three other people is perfect) or alone.

 

I can be load on occasion, I just don't enjoy it. How on earth to convey this to people??? I am now citing my Myers Briggs type on OLD to avoid confusions.

 

It's important to draw a distinction between shyness, introversion, and social anxiety disorder.

 

Shyness is a kind of personality trait. People are born shy. You see it in babies. It is not a disorder. You are shy if you are reserved, quiet, anxious in social situations.

 

Introversion means that you prefer solitary activities, communicating in smaller groups or one on one, and feel more at peace in solitude. It is often linked to shyness, but not always.

 

You can get therapy for this but really what you will be doing is stressing yourself environmentally to change something that's basically hardwired from birth. Therapy is not recommended to make an introvert and extrovert or a more logical and analytical person more creative and freespirited.

 

 

Social anxiety disorder is something completely different. It's an intense amount of fear or embarrassment in social performance situations, to a point at which the affected you often avoid the situations or there is a huge amount of distress associated. It impairs functioning in life. It usually has an environmental cause. A naturally outgoing, extroverted boy who was bullied by his peers for years may develop social anxiety. Op, if this is you, please seek professional help if you have not already done so

 

 

My dad is shy and introverted. He has been since he was a child. My mom is a loud, outgoing extrovert. I agree that opposites in this way often attract from my observation. Extrovert people who like to be the center of attention usually have a quieter partner. I also agree that generally outgoing people seem more fun because they are more open, speak up more, and are usually the 'life of the party', that doesn't mean that being shy and introverted is an entirely negative thing. Shy people are often better listeners and more reflective. When they do speak what they say is often reflected upon more carefully. My dad rarely speaks in large groups, but occasionally he'll crack a sarcastic joke and everyone will laugh.

 

 

Not mingling with his friends like you'd known them for years may have been the final blow, but I think it was far from the only one. It sounds like a cop out, really. I believe I'm an extrovert but due to being bullied I become anxious in social situations sometimes. My ex was in a band as well and there's a lot of networking/socializing/meeting new people involved. Like you, I was polite and spoke to people when I was spoken to, but I mostly stayed beside him or kept to myself. He didn't mind at all. It totally depends on the person.

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I just keep feeling like I should call and apologize. I know I should have put in more effort and forced myself to talk to his friends, if I had known it was this big of a deal I would have made myself do it. He didn't seem to care at the time, and was the one who even told me to bring my friends so I thought that meant that he was fine with me spending the evening with them. I feel terrible for hanging up on him, I was just so hurt and angry that it felt like I was having who I am as a person attacked and rejected, when it hasn't been a problem for the last 3 months and suddenly it was, and I had only been invited out with his friends twice.

 

I had been willing to compromise and be understanding of so many other things during our time together, and it feels like the first thing he saw that he didn't like he just cut and run. Over the phone after a night of drinks with his friends no less. I had asked him to come over for a family dinner with my parents and siblings a couple weeks ago and he turned me down because he wasn't ready to meet them, and I was completely understanding of that. But I spend one night not being as social as he would like, when I had a reason that should at least somewhat understandable.

 

I also feel like I should have seen this coming, I had tried several times to be emotionally vulnerable with him, he never seemed to engage the conversation with me, or let me in on a deeper level. I also found out that since his breakup 2 years ago he has had nothing but strings of these 2-3 month "relationships", I kept wondering what the other women's problems were since he seemed so amazing to me. This just makes me feel like I was another tick on the wall to him and he didn't really care about me the way I cared about him.

 

I REALLY liked this guy, I had never had anyone like him interested in me before, last year I ended a long term emotionally abusive relationship and I was SO happy that I found someone that was so much better to me in every way. He was the first person to make me feel a bit of hope for something good in a long time. It just sucks to have had the rug pulled out from under me, and it is so hard to keep myself from reaching out, even if just to apologize for how this ended.

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I also found out that since his breakup 2 years ago he has had nothing but strings of these 2-3 month "relationships", I kept wondering what the other women's problems were since he seemed so amazing to me..

Sounds like one of those hurt guys who are not over their ex.

This was probably an excuse for him to get out, and actually a blessing for you, though I guess it does not feel like that now. Sorry.

Trying to fill another's shoes is not easy and it is often YOU that gets very hurt. Better it happened after a few months than after a few years...

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He just wants to play the field tho...that's why he's distance. He's probably seeing others

 

No I don't believe he was seeing others, my last relationship had a lot of cheating in it, I'm hypersensitive to that now and make sure to keep tabs on any possible sign of others involvement. He wanted to make things "official" and asked me to be exclusive, he was asking me to attend weddings in different cities with him, asked me to meet his sister, and immediately took down his dating profile when we had the talk of exclusivity. I really don't think he was seeing anyone else while with me.

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Cookiesandough
No I don't believe he was seeing others, my last relationship had a lot of cheating in it, I'm hypersensitive to that now and make sure to keep tabs on any possible sign of others involvement. He wanted to make things "official" and asked me to be exclusive, he was asking me to attend weddings in different cities with him, asked me to meet his sister, and immediately took down his dating profile when we had the talk of exclusivity. I really don't think he was seeing anyone else while with me.

 

That doesn't really mean anything...what you he said. OLD is far from the only place a guy can pick up girls, esp if he's in a band. I don't know how you could know and keep tabs if he barely contacted you and went silent for periods?

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