What if you want sex but not *just* sex....?

[Coventina]

I'm 3 dates into something with a guy I met recently. We met by chance, not through online dating.

 

The first time we met we ended up talking for about 5 hours, over coffee or something. Even after 5 hours we had to drag ourselves away, we still wanted to continue talking.

 

Kept in touch. Met again for a coffee date. That date turned into dinner, then drinks, then hours of conversation, then more drinks. The date lasted nearly 24 hours.

 

We didn't have sex but we did make out and slept in the same bed. In the morning we went out for breakfast and again had to drag ourselves away in the end due to still wanting to continue talking.

 

At this point my friends were bombarding me with questions. 'Are you two an item?' 'Doesn't he want you to be his girlfriend?' 'What's your status?' 'Where is this going?' 'When are you seeing him again?' After just 2 dates I didn't realise somebody was supposed to have made it official??!

 

Anyway, the constant questions started making me feel very insecure. I am already somewhat insecure anyway. I realised that we'd hit it off so well that we both seemed to assume that of course we'd see each other again. But we had not made concrete plans for when. We were still texting and calling each other. On about three occasions he texted me in the afternoon or late morning to say something like "what are you up to tonight?" and instead of agreeing to meet him, each time I just said I was already busy (on some occasions I was, but not on all) because by then I'd convinced myself he had no interest in me and just wanted a booty call.

 

Eventually we had a 3rd date that had been properly arranged, with 2 days notice etc. He picked me up from my place, we had dinner, came back to my place, drank wine etc. We talked for hours, laughed and joked etc. By then my insecurity had gone into overdrive and I'd convinced myself he had no interest in me whatsoever and was just trying to get easy sex. We slept in the same bed but I wouldn't make out with him or anything because I felt pissed off.

 

In the morning we talked a lot more. It came up that I felt he was just trying to use me for sex. He pointed out that we're not even having sex, which is a fair point. He said that he really likes me and is really attracted to me but that I'd implied I was seeing other guys and he thought I wasn't really interested in him. Finally we both realised it had been a miscommunication. I had made a joke about having loads of guys on the go, he hadn't realised it was a joke.

 

We ended up kind of laughing about it and giving each other a hug. This led to us virtually tearing each other's clothes off and almost having sex right there and then in my kitchen, except that we were both by then almost an hour late for work and had to go.

 

And that's it.

 

My friends are still demanding to know "are you two official?"

 

Jeez.

 

The conclusion is: I am ridiculously attracted to him and there's also a strong mental connection as evidenced by the extremely long conversations. He is really attracted to me. And that's all I know.

 

But then presumably that's quite enough given it's only been 3 dates???

[GunslingerRoland]

I don't think it's common to be an item after 2 dates in 2017, so why are your friends bombarding you with questions while you are still getting to know this guy?

[d0nnivain]

Tell your friends to buzz off. Explain things are going well & you don't want to push so you'd appreciate it if they shut up.

[Coventina]

Tell your friends to buzz off. Explain things are going well & you don't want to push so you'd appreciate it if they shut up.

 

thanks for the reply. so from what I've described, would you say that this is all sounds fine and that there's nothing to be particularly worried about?

[d0nnivain]

Your behavior is worrisome. His seems just fine.

 

If you have no interest in having sex with a man, don't get into a bed with him. You come across as a tease.

[Coventina]

Your behavior is worrisome. His seems just fine.

 

If you have no interest in having sex with a man, don't get into a bed with him. You come across as a tease.

 

Yeah he does think I'm a tease

[LovelyRose]

I'm 3 dates into something with a guy I met recently. We met by chance, not through online dating.

 

The first time we met we ended up talking for about 5 hours, over coffee or something. Even after 5 hours we had to drag ourselves away, we still wanted to continue talking.

 

Kept in touch. Met again for a coffee date. That date turned into dinner, then drinks, then hours of conversation, then more drinks. The date lasted nearly 24 hours.

 

We didn't have sex but we did make out and slept in the same bed. In the morning we went out for breakfast and again had to drag ourselves away in the end due to still wanting to continue talking.

 

At this point my friends were bombarding me with questions. 'Are you two an item?' 'Doesn't he want you to be his girlfriend?' 'What's your status?' 'Where is this going?' 'When are you seeing him again?' After just 2 dates I didn't realise somebody was supposed to have made it official??!

 

Anyway, the constant questions started making me feel very insecure. I am already somewhat insecure anyway. I realised that we'd hit it off so well that we both seemed to assume that of course we'd see each other again. But we had not made concrete plans for when. We were still texting and calling each other. On about three occasions he texted me in the afternoon or late morning to say something like "what are you up to tonight?" and instead of agreeing to meet him, each time I just said I was already busy (on some occasions I was, but not on all) because by then I'd convinced myself he had no interest in me and just wanted a booty call.

 

Eventually we had a 3rd date that had been properly arranged, with 2 days notice etc. He picked me up from my place, we had dinner, came back to my place, drank wine etc. We talked for hours, laughed and joked etc. By then my insecurity had gone into overdrive and I'd convinced myself he had no interest in me whatsoever and was just trying to get easy sex. We slept in the same bed but I wouldn't make out with him or anything because I felt pissed off.

 

In the morning we talked a lot more. It came up that I felt he was just trying to use me for sex. He pointed out that we're not even having sex, which is a fair point. He said that he really likes me and is really attracted to me but that I'd implied I was seeing other guys and he thought I wasn't really interested in him. Finally we both realised it had been a miscommunication. I had made a joke about having loads of guys on the go, he hadn't realised it was a joke.

 

We ended up kind of laughing about it and giving each other a hug. This led to us virtually tearing each other's clothes off and almost having sex right there and then in my kitchen, except that we were both by then almost an hour late for work and had to go.

 

And that's it.

 

My friends are still demanding to know "are you two official?"

 

Jeez.

 

The conclusion is: I am ridiculously attracted to him and there's also a strong mental connection as evidenced by the extremely long conversations. He is really attracted to me. And that's all I know.

 

But then presumably that's quite enough given it's only been 3 dates???

 

 

 

3 dates and your friends are already bombarding you questions if you are official. How old are you ladies? Just tell them nicely to stop asking you because it's too early for that right now and them constantly asking you is not helping you calm your nerves down.

 

If you are so insecure that this guy may not genuinely like you and only after sex then for crying out loud, stop sleeping in the same bed together. Keep your dates outdoor. Even if the guy is sincerely into you, if you keep playing this foolish games including being a tease, your insecurities will eventually come true. He will lose interest.

 

Be honest with him. Tell him you'd like to get to know him first before you go all the way with him. So tell him you want to start hanging out somewhere else. But if you really prefer to say indoor then be prepared that he will try and have sex with you most especially if you are willingly making out with him IN BED.

 

Having insecurities I believe is human nature for the most part. It's up to us how to control it and how to deal with it. You are focusing on your insecurities instead of focusing on the great connections you have with this guy. There's a difference between being careful and overly paranoid.

[LovelyRose]

Yeah he does think I'm a tease

 

Which could eventually turn him off and lose interest in you.

[normal person]

It seems pretty obvious he likes you, I don't know what you're supposedly so insecure about. Your friends being a little overly-curious shouldn't be this big of a deal, in my mind. Why not just tell them you've only seen him a few times, so you're not sure yet?

[Cobra_X]

In the morning we talked a lot more. It came up that I felt he was just trying to use me for sex. He pointed out that we're not even having sex, which is a fair point. He said that he really likes me and is really attracted to me but that I'd implied I was seeing other guys and he thought I wasn't really interested in him.

 

I'm sorry but this was just awesome!

[Coventina]

I'm sorry but this was just awesome!

 

LOL! :laugh:

[Coventina]

3 dates and your friends are already bombarding you questions if you are official. How old are you ladies? Just tell them nicely to stop asking you because it's too early for that right now and them constantly asking you is not helping you calm your nerves down.

 

If you are so insecure that this guy may not genuinely like you and only after sex then for crying out loud, stop sleeping in the same bed together. Keep your dates outdoor. Even if the guy is sincerely into you, if you keep playing this foolish games including being a tease, your insecurities will eventually come true. He will lose interest.

 

Be honest with him. Tell him you'd like to get to know him first before you go all the way with him. So tell him you want to start hanging out somewhere else. But if you really prefer to say indoor then be prepared that he will try and have sex with you most especially if you are willingly making out with him IN BED.

 

Having insecurities I believe is human nature for the most part. It's up to us how to control it and how to deal with it. You are focusing on your insecurities instead of focusing on the great connections you have with this guy. There's a difference between being careful and overly paranoid.

 

Well yes I must sort myself out and stop behaving so childishly. The thing is, he's not aware of this, but I'm really not that experienced. It's not like I'm super young or anything, I've just literally had sex with 2 guys in my entire life and am really nowhere near as experienced as most women my age. I go on plenty of dates but unless I feel a major connection with a guy I tend to have no interest in sex with him. Now suddenly here I am wanting to virtually rip the clothes of this guy I've only known for a matter of weeks.

 

If I was being really true to how I feel I'd have had sex with him by now. I REALLY want to. But I've held back because I just met him and it seems pretty excessive to suddenly start having sex with a guy I barely know. I'm not used to feeling quite this attracted to anybody.

[Cobra_X]

LOL! :laugh:

 

As a guy... I would take this as a sign that you are really interested in me. I would push very hard for sex at this point if I liked you in return.

 

The bottom line is that if she isn't sleeping with me, then she is sleeping with someone else.

[Coventina]

As a guy... I would take this as a sign that you are really interested in me. I would push very hard for sex at this point if I liked you in return.

 

The bottom line is that if she isn't sleeping with me, then she is sleeping with someone else.

 

erm....it doesn't necessarily work like that. I'm not sleeping with him (yet). And I'm sure as hell not sleeping with anybody else.

[Cobra_X]

erm....it doesn't necessarily work like that. I'm not sleeping with him (yet). And I'm sure as hell not sleeping with anybody else.

 

Just understand that there are not many women like you in the dating pool. He already mentioned that he believes you are multi-dating. The assumption there is that you are sleeping with other guys. What have you done to counter this belief?

[Coventina]

Just understand that there are not many women like you in the dating pool. He already mentioned that he believes you are multi-dating. The assumption there is that you are sleeping with other guys. What have you done to counter this belief?

 

This subject came up on our last date. I just told the truth....that I'm not having sex with anyone and that the other guys are just people I go out to dinner with, text back and forth with etc, nothing serious at all. He looked very, very surprised and quite pleased actually.

[Coventina]

Disclaimer: I'm aware that I have insecurities and am being a bit of a nightmare

 

After a friend asked me what's going on with a guy I've been on just a very few dates with but really like, I actually took stock of what he had said/done on the most recent date.

 

Off the top of my head, some of the things he said on this recent date:

 

"You're beautiful" (repeatedly and he sounded like he really means it)

"I can't stop looking at you"

"You're gorgeous and elegant"

"You're really classy"

"You're really intelligent."

"You're a really cool person"

"You are gorgeous"

 

That's not all, but just what I can remember. He also arrived bearing cute little gifts, took me out for dinner, we talked for hours on end, was super affectionate, spent absolutely hours with me (including staying over night) even though we're not having sex yet.

 

But I STILL feel insecure. Like I said at the beginning of this post, I'm aware that I have issues with insecurity. But I am just really trying not to mess this one up as I think this guy is really, really cool.

 

Any tips to help me actually listen to what he's saying and doing and not let my insecurities ruin everything?

[mikeylo]

Take it slow.

[GorillaTheater]

Take it slow.

 

 

Good plan. This guy is laying it on a little thick. Not a red flag, but maybe something to keep an eye on.

 

 

On the other hand, maybe you are all that.

[Gaeta]

"You're beautiful" (repeatedly and he sounded like he really means it)

"I can't stop looking at you"

"You're gorgeous and elegant"

"You're really classy"

"You're really intelligent."

"You're a really cool person"

"You are gorgeous"

 

 

5 out of 7 he compliments on your looks. That's what he is enjoying for now.

 

You need to continue dating him and see if he can appreciate you for other things than you pretty face. Stay out of the bedroom!!!!!!! If you lay in bed over night next to some stranger, even with no sex, you are sending the WRONG SIGNAL. Keep it to DATES real DATES.

[Coventina]

5 out of 7 he compliments on your looks. That's what he is enjoying for now.

 

You need to continue dating him and see if he can appreciate you for other things than you pretty face. Stay out of the bedroom!!!!!!! If you lay in bed over night next to some stranger, even with no sex, you are sending the WRONG SIGNAL. Keep it to DATES real DATES.

 

Does the person you're repeatedly "laying in bed" with, over a series of dates, not stop being a 'stranger' at some point?

[Gaeta]

Does the person you're repeatedly "laying in bed" with, over a series of dates, not stop being a 'stranger' at some point?

 

To get to know someone you need to see him in different environment. You need to be out and about and observe how he treats you when you're out, how he treats the waitress, how he has manners toward others or not, how he doesn't text when he drives or how he always wants to drive after a drink. You will learn nothing about him while laying in bed with him but the flafla he'll be willing to tell you.

[Coventina]

To get to know someone you need to see him in different environment. You need to be out and about and observe how he treats you when you're out, how he treats the waitress, how he has manners toward others or not, how he doesn't text when he drives or how he always wants to drive after a drink. You will learn nothing about him while laying in bed with him but the flafla he'll be willing to tell you.

 

We've been out for dinner numerous times, gone out for breakfast, gone out for drives, gone out for drinks, hung with his work colleagues....

[Gaeta]

We've been out for dinner numerous times, gone out for breakfast, gone out for drives, gone out for drinks, hung with his work colleagues....

 

How many dates you had?

[Gaeta]

How many dates you had?

 

I just had a look at your last thread. You have had 3 dates. You have not scratched the surface of this guy yet.

 

You continue dating him and stay away from bedroom or bed until you are ready to have full blown sex with him.

 

When you'll reach 4-6 weeks dating then you can address if you are dating exclusively. Till then your mission is to observe him and see if he's a good man with genuine interest.