Were we more than just friends?

[dda01]

Hi everyone

 

Ok I’ve been dealing with the aftermath of a weird situation with a woman. It’s a complicated and weird story, but a central pillar of it rests on the answer to the question: were we actually more than just friends?

 

 

I think I can boil down the points relevant to the question as these things that happened over time:

• Developing a daily presence in each others lives with almost daily contact via text/message and phone calls
  
• Web caming
  
• Meeting up almost every weekend at a shared activity (Church)
  
• In addition to that, going out and doing things almost every weekend (sometimes on both Saturday and Sunday)
  
• Going out and doing things during the week (sometimes multiple times during the week)
  
• Forming an emotional bond of care and support of each other (she relied on me more than me on her)
  
• Learning more about each other over time and saying that it’s enjoyable
  
• Being mistaken by strangers as a couple
  
• Meeting and spending some time with family on both sides (her side more than mine, I actually know her family independently of her, but I did take to meet my dad and had plans for other members of my family over time)
  
• Gossip in our ethnic community, having friends and family on both sides wonder about us, make comments or say just outright talk about us being a couple
  
• She made a major life decision to stay in our state because of me when considering an interstate job (but was vague about the reason why she stayed at the time)
  

 

We got along fantastically, shared common values and it was great.

 

I also know that we were trying to asses each other for the future. Her more than me really. That is a part dating someone from what I understand.

 

After approximately six months of everything I listed some tension started to mount (the tension was over a bunch of weeks or a month and some things such as web caming, and spending time together started to drop off a bit). This time also included her asking are we ever gonna be more than people who enjoy doing the things we do?

 

I said ok let’s talk. Let’s clarify what we are, let’s talk about our feelings for each other. Let’s do those things so we can have a sense direction and to try move things forward into the future. Part of all of that included me saying hey I'm interested in a future with her.

 

She ended up rejecting me in a hurtful way. Part of which was: she expected me to provide for her as we were doing our thing. For that meant, I would hurt her by not paying for her when we went out and that she expects the man to provide for her in that way. I actually did that a few times but always thought hey let's just be equal and it was never brought up at any point until the end. Here, I'll admit I have money and work problems which I am working on fixing (she did at the time as well).

 

We also both ended up saying to each other (after I initially said it to make my feelings clear): I have been falling in love with you (in the sense of, if one were to assess their feelings about someone and were to ask themselves would I choose and accept this person for who they are, faults and all, I would have said yes). She replied with the same, but by that stage it was too late.

 

During the time of tension she had assessed me as not giving her things that she wants and that she decided to ‘move on’. It's a long story, but, actual things, and doing things that are important to her. That talk from her just amounted to hyper criticism of me and I said: go get yourself a bloke who will give these things you want straight away. She was taken aback by that and said:...oooo....kk.

 

I said during the attempt to clarify things I considered us as dating. I didn't say girlfriend, I deliberately used dating.

 

She disagreed and part of the rejection was, in her opinion, we were only ever just friends. I think that was part of her way of justifying moving on from me in the way she did.

 

The questions are:

 

• Was I wrong and wasting my time thinking about this?
   
  
• In the context of the list above were we more than just friends?
   
  
• Would just friends be in a situation in which they are falling for each other?
   
  
• Did she contradict herself by saying we were just friends while expecting me to provide for her in the way she wanted.
   
  
• Would I have been justified if I said: Oh I would hurt you in the way you said? Why should I care if we were only just friends?
   
  
• If people act in certain ways that typify a dating situation or even a girlfriend boyfriend situation (which I feel things in the list above do incorporate) are they more than ‘just friends’? Might it be reasonable to consider that, in reality at least dating? Dating, just to try and define it with a minimal approach. If so then the people obviously reach a point where they need to talk which I was I tried to do etc etc.
  

 

I hope I’ve provided enough context. As I said the story is more complicated and I’m trying to extract relevant points without writing a massive essay. She ended up saying really hurtful insulting stuff to me but wanted to stay friends (including still seeking my time and support in times of stress) but I ended up cutting her out of my life.

[Cookiesandough]

One of the worst cases of friend zone. There was nothing romantic or sexual in any of what you did and you never brought anything up or escalated. You shouldn't wait so long to do that next time.\She twisted it into being your fault to justify her disinterest and probably intentional exploitation of the situation all along instead of just being honest. Yuck. You dodged a bullet

Edited October 18, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[KBob]

Because you're so confused as to whether this was a friend thing and I get the sense that you're both very religious, I'm guessing there was no sex involved. Are you both waiting for marriage?

 

If so, then I can kind of get how this got a little messed up, the lines of definite romance are a little more blurry without the sexual aspect, but that still doesn't mean you couldn't have taken it to the next level. Why didn't you at least kiss her!? You both had feelings, you should have acted on them! It's a big case of putting the cart before the horse to be talking about spending your lives together before you even become more than plantonically involved with each other. Seems to me that's why this whole situation fell apart for you.

[dda01]

I appreciate your responses people.

 

Yeah I'll admit I was slow. Yes we both are religious and both believe in at least some element of restraint. Those aren't the main points so. I feel I was not focused enough in my post, so I will try to clarify.

 

I think the wikipedia defintion of dating is pretty accurate (though I don't really agree with the friends part, I don't think friends date, friends hang out):

 

Dating is a stage of romantic relationships in humans whereby two people meet socially, possibly as friends or with the aim of each assessing the other's suitability as a prospective partner in a more committed intimate relationship or marriage.

 

That's what we were doing. I know we were assessing each other. We had the feelings for each other. The attraction was there. Romance was slowly developing (that might sound pathetic and slow but hey that's the way it was).

 

When the time came to clarify things and try to take things to the next level I found out that she had judged me as inadequate to give her things that she wants and to provide for her in the way she said in my post and had decided to move on. She also happened to do all of this in really insulting hyper critical ways which was hurtful but that's another story. Assessing a person is a part of dating. I also know that if she had found me to be adequate she would have been in for the next level.

 

My point is: Even though that assessment happened she repeatedly denied that we were dating and that we were only ever just friends. If we weren't dating then her whole point of me not providing for her for by paying seems invalid to me because why should I actually care if a friend is upset I didn't pay for her? I don't like to upset friends though, I'm not callous. I just wouldn't care. The man paying is something that happens in dating situations and boyfriend/girlfriend situations. Am I right with that or wrong?

 

I hope that clarifies things and makes sense. If not Oh well!

[kassy]

Your world is a bit different to mine, I would definitely not define what you did as dating. I've been on holiday and shared a room with one of my good guy friends (seperate beds), I threw his 40th birthday party for him, we were each other plus 1 to weddings etc etc. In my world no kissing at minimum isn't dating, it's friends.

 

But in your world I don't know. Maybe that's what dating looks like, and that's fine too.

 

What I don't understand is, why do you care? It sounds like a lucky escape as she sounds like she was cruel with breaking it off and wanted you to provide for her as soon as you started dating!! Like wow wtf!

 

So whether you were dating or not is fairly academic, and who cares, it's in the past. I'd just focus on finding someone else who is more on the same page as you (and preferably nice too).

 

You sound like a nice guy. Just accept it takes time to find the right person and that's ok. Now forget her and go have fun!