foreverdancer Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 I have a classmate in law school who I was quite attracted to. After a seminar,l we talked and he drove me home. The next morning, at short notice, he was outside my house and brought me breakfast. I was a little freaked out. The following morning he sent me a “Good morning to the most beautiful, charming, intelligent (and so much more adjectives) princess” message. What?! He always texts even if I stop replying. We’ve gone on a total of 2 dates. He also sent me this “I used to think Disneyland was the happiest place on earth until met you” text. Shudders. He always tries to make plans, but I’m just way too busy with all our readings, seriously, no one should have time for frequent dates in law school! Last week at a classmate’s birthday he asked if he could check my phone. Wtf? He said it like he was joking around. I only showed him my photo gallery. God forbid he’ll check my messages. The next morning he texted me that I seemed mad at him last night but I kept on denying it so he just dropped it. Really, now? Ugh, he seems like a good guy, but his behavior has killed 99.9% of the attraction I had for him. The last time he had a girlfriend was in high school but still, that’s really not an excuse, is it? Link to post Share on other sites
HarmonyDriven Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Showing up unannounced at your home is a bit much since you have only been on two dates. (creepy factor)....unless of course the breakfast was really good. (kidding) Clearly, you do not care for his behavior. He seems to be trying to come off as confident but is insecure. Asking to check your phone....ugh! You missed an opportunity to tell him you were put off by the fact he asked to see your phone. Just by what you have noted, he might believe (for the most part) you are sending him positive signals, so he keeps pursuing. He might be a good guy but appears not the right guy for you, and you know it. Consider yourself lucky with only two dates and time to move on.....time to friend zone him. Once someone kills the attraction factor, almost impossible to reestablish it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverdancer Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Showing up unannounced at your home is a bit much since you have only been on two dates. (creepy factor)....unless of course the breakfast was really good. (kidding) Clearly, you do not care for his behavior. He seems to be trying to come off as confident but is insecure. Asking to check your phone....ugh! You missed an opportunity to tell him you were put off by the fact he asked to see your phone. Just by what you have noted, he might believe (for the most part) you are sending him positive signals, so he keeps pursuing. He might be a good guy but appears not the right guy for you, and you know it. Consider yourself lucky with only two dates and time to move on.....time to friend zone him. Once someone kills the attraction factor, almost impossible to reestablish it. Actually we haven’t even gone on a date yet prior to the breakfast thing, so that’s definitely NOT normal! And he doesn’t seem to get the message that he needs to seriously chill. I reply to his cheesy texts in the driest way possible (literally just a “Thanks haha”). Oh well. You’re right, at this point it’s impossible for me to be attracted to him again no matter what he does. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Next time you get wigged out by a guy and he asks you about it, don't deny - be honest. By denying it, you missed the perfect opportunity to tell him "I'm feeling overwhelmed by X Y & Z. Even if you're not going to continue with him, it wouldn't hurt to let him know what's going wrong. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Yuck. That made me shudder too. Just be honest and tell him you're not interested nd hopefully he will back off.. Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Yeah, he seems a bit over the top and clingy. That's pretty bizarre to show up at your house, unannounced with breakfast. I suppose this gesture could have gone in either direction, but life isn't like the movies, and I would be pretty put out, if not creeped out, by such a gesture. He clearly wants more than you can give, and he's coming across as a bit desperate. You're going to have to shut him down, sorry. It's going to hurt, but you're going to have to tell him you simply don't have the time to date or put effort into a relationship. I suppose friendzoning is an option, but I wouldn't even go there. Not with this guy. It leaves expectations open for him, and this guy is as persistent as a gnat. I think there needs to be a defined border and wall with him. He's a classmate and someone who you likely won't be able to avoid fully, so you want to try to let him down gently. Obviously your crazy schedule is a plausible excuse. Clingy? Crazy? Yeah, I think so. Maybe not crazy, but the guy seems immature and insecure. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 You are law students. Send him a link to various statutes: harassment & stalking. Also bone up on sexual harassment. (he's not sexually harassing you because there is no employment but you should be able to extrapolate & point out the unwelcome conduct aspects of his behavior) Be clear & direct. It's a hallmark of your profession. If you can't stick up for yourself, how to expect anybody to pay you money to champion their rights? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rightondude Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 sigh ... people see "Say Anything" once and it's over. People like this (guys and girls) think they just can't exist if they don't do everything they can to catch this one who's "meant to be." They think, "I'll regret it forever if I didn't try as hard as I could to make him/her love me!!!! We'll look back on this and laugh at how crazy it was for me to sit outside her doorstep with a bag of breakfast! Our grandkids will talk about it!!!! it must happen!!!" How do I know? I hate to admit, I have done stuff like this before. This is the type of stuff that happens when your social exposure is movies and TV. To be honest you would be doing a favor to show him how the real world and real people work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 Are you from the same culture? In my dating years I did come across men like him saying and doing the same type of things. One in particular used to park at the metro station every day at 5h30 just to see me walk from metro to my car. He had no clue this was called 'stalking' as in his country men had to be very insistent over and over to get a woman's attention and this type of 'over doing it' was normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverdancer Posted October 18, 2017 Author Share Posted October 18, 2017 Thanks for the advice everyone! I should have an honest conversation with him soon that I’m really not interested now. You are law students. Send him a link to various statutes: harassment & stalking. Also bone up on sexual harassment. (he's not sexually harassing you because there is no employment but you should be able to extrapolate & point out the unwelcome conduct aspects of his behavior) Be clear & direct. It's a hallmark of your profession. If you can't stick up for yourself, how to expect anybody to pay you money to champion their rights? LOL no way, this is gonna make me look like the crazy one, but point taken about being direct. Are you from the same culture? In my dating years I did come across men like him saying and doing the same type of things. One in particular used to park at the metro station every day at 5h30 just to see me walk from metro to my car. He had no clue this was called 'stalking' as in his country men had to be very insistent over and over to get a woman's attention and this type of 'over doing it' was normal. We are. His behavior might have been normal and even encouraged a few decades back, but it’s definitely considered passé now. And I’m sure he IS aware of that?? I have no idea. He seems completely normal socially. Even if he hasn’t had a relationship in a long time, dating isn’t rocket science. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 We are. His behavior might have been normal and even encouraged a few decades back, but it’s definitely considered passé now. And I’m sure he IS aware of that?? I have no idea. He seems completely normal socially. Even if he hasn’t had a relationship in a long time, dating isn’t rocket science. Depends who's been advising him. When I was single and dating I always made a point of seeking dating advice from people familiar with nowadays dating. Each time I asked for advice to my siblings, who've been married 25+ years, they advised me as they saw it when they were dating in the 80s. They're modern people and everything but in terms of dating they have no clue what it's like nowadays. So yes, he could be getting advice from the wrong people. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 We are. His behavior might have been normal and even encouraged a few decades back, but it’s definitely considered passé now. And I’m sure he IS aware of that?? I have no idea. He seems completely normal socially. Even if he hasn’t had a relationship in a long time, dating isn’t rocket science. Look, some guys don't know how to play the game. Lawyers tend to be from extreme liberal backgrounds and those guys are super clueless. My suggestion is to educate him. Tell him that this behavior turns women off and kills attraction. It demonstrates low value and too much emotional investment too early. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 18, 2017 Share Posted October 18, 2017 OK so what's wrong with just telling him his behavior is making you very uncomfortable, then give a few examples. Then proceed to tell him you don't have anymore interest in pursuing anything with him. Simple and straight forward. Better put being assertive into practice if you want to be a lawyer. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 Actually we haven’t even gone on a date yet prior to the breakfast thing, so that’s definitely NOT normal! And he doesn’t seem to get the message that he needs to seriously chill. I reply to his cheesy texts in the driest way possible (literally just a “Thanks haha”). Oh well. You’re right, at this point it’s impossible for me to be attracted to him again no matter what he does. Question. How would you or a girl reply to cheesey texts from a guy if you werent into him? Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 Question. How would you or a girl reply to cheesey texts from a guy if you werent into him? OP has lost interest so she s being dry. not responding to cheese, laughing it off and dismissing it so that is your answer for someone 'being polite'. It gets past politeness and eventually all the interest saps and a person will likely not respond or will tell you they are not interested. Back to the topic - OP, this would all be way too much for me all so early on and would be a 'few' red flags that we'd be incompatible. He's pushing things and not giving you any time, consideration, respect in terms of you having any choice in whether you might want to progress things or might not want to. The breakfast, over texting, double texting (or more), plus asking to check your phone? WTF? He is all about his own wants and literally is not bearing you in mind I'm afraid. He's not that fussed whether you like him or not, all that matters is his like of you. Although, it could be that he latched on to an indication of interest from you which you would have displayed (fair enough - you were interested initially) and is more desperate than you know to be 'in a relationship with someone/anyone'. no offence intended towards you but you became that 'someone/anyone'. He may be besotted with you or be besotted with the 'idea' of a relationship but either way, so, so soon and so much pressure on you is not a sign of a healthy relationship to come. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 Yeah... This is way over the top, especially asking to look at your phone. This guy has some serious boundary issues and I suggest you send him a firm text telling him that you aren't interested and that you don't want him to contact you anymore. Be prepared to call the police if he contacts you again or shows up at your place. I believe that it is always best to er on the side of caution when it comes to these issues. The guy might just be clueless and inept when it comes to women. But, he is showing signs that he might be unstable and potentially dangerous. A mature adult should recognize that asking for someone's phone and showing up at their home unannounced isn't kosher.. I was dating a woman for awhile last spring and into the summer. I enjoyed her company and wanted to send her flowers. But, I had never been to her home and I wasn't about to have the flowers delivered there. I could have easily looked up her address but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable so I just sent them to the school where she teaches. She had shown me around the school and her classroom so I felt it would be most appropriate to send them there. Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 The following morning he sent me a “Good morning to the most beautiful, charming, intelligent (and so much more adjectives) princess” message. What?! He always texts even if I stop replying. We’ve gone on a total of 2 dates. He also sent me this “I used to think Disneyland was the happiest place on earth until met you” text. Shudders. Ugh, he seems like a good guy, but his behavior has killed 99.9% of the attraction I had for him. The last time he had a girlfriend was in high school but still, that’s really not an excuse, is it? My interpretation of this depends entirely on how physically attractive he is. I am very sorry to say. If he is extremely conventionally attractive, he has really bad game because he does not need to have a good game as his looks compensate and girls still drop panties when he lays it on thick. He hasn't had a girlfriend since high school because this is working for him. If he is not physically attraxfjcs, he still has really bad game and puts girls on a pedestal. He thinks his nice guy behavior can compensate for the lack in other areas. He hasn't had a gf since high school because this is not working at all and he hasn't made the connect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fred123 Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 Yeah... This is way over the top, especially asking to look at your phone. This guy has some serious boundary issues and I suggest you send him a firm text telling him that you aren't interested and that you don't want him to contact you anymore. Be prepared to call the police if he contacts you again or shows up at your place. I believe that it is always best to er on the side of caution when it comes to these issues. The guy might just be clueless and inept when it comes to women. But, he is showing signs that he might be unstable and potentially dangerous. A mature adult should recognize that asking for someone's phone and showing up at their home unannounced isn't kosher.. I was dating a woman for awhile last spring and into the summer. I enjoyed her company and wanted to send her flowers. But, I had never been to her home and I wasn't about to have the flowers delivered there. I could have easily looked up her address but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable so I just sent them to the school where she teaches. She had shown me around the school and her classroom so I felt it would be most appropriate to send them there. That is also inappropriate. How did u get away with that? My ex gf didnt like when i did that. Its creepy and sexual harrasment. Imagine also if she wants to keep ur relationship private? And now all her work colleaguew know and laughing at her. If you really cared about her yoy wouldnt do that. Do you want her workmates to laugh at her?! Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 @oatsandall A lot of guys think if they act possessive the girl she will like it. I mean look at that movie/bookie series "50 shades of"that was super popular. It makes me want to kill myself, but its obviously doing it for a huge group of women. I feel like the more atractive/confident the guy, the more bold he will feel to do stuff like that and have women find it endearing. The guy who super nervous around girls would never think to do anything like that Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 That is also inappropriate. How did u get away with that? My ex gf didnt like when i did that. Its creepy and sexual harrasment. Imagine also if she wants to keep ur relationship private? And now all her work colleaguew know and laughing at her. If you really cared about her yoy wouldnt do that. Do you want her workmates to laugh at her?! How exactly was it "sexual harassment"? I sent flowers to a woman I had been dating for two months and it was her birthday? The card said "Happy birthday! I hope it's a wonderful day!" not "I'm looking forward to seeing you in your birthday suit on your birthday!" And, we met through her work (a teacher's workshop) so all of her friends and colleagues knew we were dating. Maybe you missed the part where I said "SHE HAD SHOWN ME THE SCHOOL AND HER CLASSROOM" (i.e. in front of her f-cking friends and colleagues). She thought it was a kind, pleasant gesture and we dated for another four months after that. I would venture to say that your "gf" hated it when you sent flowers to her work because she wasn't actually your "gf". Especially if she was "laughed at" for it. And, you use the term "sexual harassment" pretty liberally there as well. I take it you've been accused of it? I have seen some pretty moronic responses over this site but yours just about takes the cake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 @oatsandall A lot of guys think if they act possessive the girl she will like it. I mean look at that movie/bookie series "50 shades of"that was super popular. It makes me want to kill myself, but its obviously doing it for a huge group of women. I feel like the more atractive/confident the guy, the more bold he will feel to do stuff like that and have women find it endearing. The guy who super nervous around girls would never think to do anything like that Then I will certainly never understand a lot of guys.. I think it's the opposite; this guy is showing a lack of self-confidence by being controlling and possessive. A guy with self-confidence is going to to "screw it" when they don't hear back from a woman; they're not going to bombard them with texts. And, they're certainly not going to ask to look at her phone.. This is what puts my hackles up with the OP's description; the guy is showing a lack confidence but he's also seriously violating boundaries. That is a bad personality combination.. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 (edited) That is true. it could also be a gaming technique. I've studied a lot of gaming techniques. When "Let me see your phone" "who are you texting"with a smile or as a joke, it's a tease. Imagine a guy with very low confidence. The more a guy likes a girl the less confident he will be . He feels lucky to even be going on dates with this girl. He thinks she's a goddess and more enjoyable to be with than at disneyland. Is he going to potentially sabotage his luck by demanding to see her phone? I mean he hopes she isn't seeing anyone else, so he will use covert ways to extract this info,. But esprcially before he's even asked her to be his gf, this guy sounds like an entitled f boy who he doesn't care much and thinks his premature intimacy (pet names ) is attractive. He could just be very socially awkward and NO idea how clingy he's being. Seems less likely but possible. Regardless, he's not a catch Edited October 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted October 21, 2017 Share Posted October 21, 2017 That is true. it could also be a gaming technique. I've studied a lot of gaming techniques. When "Let me see your phone" "who are you texting"with a smile or as a joke, it's a tease. Imagine a guy with very low confidence. The more a guy likes a girl the less confident he will be . He feels lucky to even be going on dates with this girl. He thinks she's a goddess and more enjoyable to be with than at disneyland. Is he going to potentially sabotage his luck by demanding to see her phone? I mean he hopes she isn't seeing anyone else, so he will use covert ways to extract this info,. But esprcially before he's even asked her to be his gf, this guy sounds like an entitled f boy who he doesn't care much and thinks his premature intimacy (pet names ) is attractive. He could just be very socially awkward and NO idea how clingy he's being. Seems less likely but possible. Regardless, he's not a catch Well, regardless of how we try to analyze this guy's behavior, one thing is obvious; he has no respect for boundaries. To me, text bombing, showing up at her house unannounced and asking for her phone are all clear examples of this. It just isn't healthy behavior. And, I honestly don't know how any of you women tolerate "gaming technique" or any kind.. I've never had a hard time getting dates and I can tell you that I have never resorted to asking for a woman's phone with a wink or a smile.. I would laugh right in a woman's face if she ever asked to see my phone and walk away as quickly as I could. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author foreverdancer Posted October 24, 2017 Author Share Posted October 24, 2017 Well, folks, I made a mistake! I got wasted at a party last Saturday and he was also there. He even introduced me to his friends (???) And because I was way too drunk, I was all over him (ugh) and he took care of me, nothing happened. He had to bring me home because I couldn't even walk straight. I don't know why I keep holding out talking to him about the fact that I'm not interested. He's still texting me, but I'm still ignoring and sending dry texts. Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 Question. How would you or a girl reply to cheesey texts from a guy if you werent into him? Um....this thread is about the OP's dilemma. Link to post Share on other sites
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