Online dating question?

[Myasylum]

Ok...

 

I'm newly single at 45. I truly hate this online dating thing.

However I've been told, this is how you do things now.

 

I did meet someone (Online) that I did hit it off with, but I'm a bit confused.

 

I told her I would meet her after she got out of work at 10:00.

Not really a date, but just kind of a introduction. She's a waitress so it's easy enough just to show up at anytime.

She said that would be great.

Next day she tells me she'll probably be gone by 10:00. So I said... OK?? Should I not bother then? She said, "Probably not". Kind of pissed me off, because we still could have done something else, she just showed no interest to do so. After that I just left her alone. 2 weeks later I get a message that she missed talking to me and didn't know what happened. I should have told her right then and there, but I didn't. I just said I was busy.

Now we've been talking everyday again for about a week.

 

Do I give this another shot? Maybe make it a real date? Not just show up at her work?

 

I'm just really disappointed she never followed up the first time. "Probably not" doesn't seem real promising.

And I see she's still on the dating site daily, so this could all be attention for her and talking to 20 other guys. That's part of what I hate about the online thing. People can easily feed off all the attention if that's what they are into.

 

Any help? New to all this.

 

Thanks!

[Cookiesandough]

[...]

 

I'm just really disappointed she never followed up the first time. "Probably not" doesn't seem real promising.

And I see she's still on the dating site daily, so this could all be attention for her and talking to 20 other guys. That's part of what I hate about the online thing. People can easily feed off all the attention if that's what they are into.

 

Any help? New to all this.

 

Thanks!

 

Most likely. She doesn't sound that interested in meeting. You can ask again, but you'll probably get the runaround

 

I do question how a meet after work at 10 PM was scheduled. I cant imagine many women are keen on their first meet with a stranger online being at 10PM?

 

I mean couldn't you have picked a day she was off and scheduled an afternoon meet for coffee, evening meet for drinks, or something?

[Myasylum]

Yea, I know.

Just thought it would be a fun quirky casual way to meet the first time. I realized it wasn't the most promising thing to do.

She agreed to do it.... for a day.

[kassy]

I'd suggest a coffee or something on her day off and see what she does. Either it happens and then you see if you want to see each other again. Or it doesn't happen and you can just move on from her.

 

Just don't get stuck in these forever texting situations.

[kassy]

Also, I'm not sure why you think she wouldn't be checking the app/site everyday. You guys haven't even met.

 

Until I'm exclusive with someone I'll check every day. Once I have physically met someone and I like them I back off online dating and don't multi date at all (so fairly conservative for online dating) and even I will check every day.

 

I think you might have unrealistic expectations there

[salparadise]

Do I give this another shot? Maybe make it a real date? Not just show up at her work?

 

I'm just really disappointed she never followed up the first time. "Probably not" doesn't seem real promising.

And I see she's still on the dating site daily, so this could all be attention for her and talking to 20 other guys. That's part of what I hate about the online thing. People can easily feed off all the attention if that's what they are into.

 

Any help? New to all this.

 

Thanks!

 

Yea, definitely give it another shot.

 

You can't read a lot into these interactions, or the fact that she's checking the app everyday. You're checking it everyday too, right? That's just how it goes. If you try to draw conclusions from every little thing you perceive (correctly or incorrectly) you'll drive yourself crazy. If she's keeping up the communication, she's interested on some level at least.

 

The way you separate the time-wasters from real prospects is by asking them for a date. If they're evasive or cancel repeatedly, move on. If they're interested they will not make it that difficult.

 

I've learned to ask them out very soon (esp. if they're local) and avoid extended messaging. You gain virtually nothing from messaging. Many do that as a way to feel like they're engaging or accomplishing something while being extremely reticent/resistant to meeting... as you said, for the attention. You gain more insight in the first three minutes in person than from a month of messaging. The whole point is to actually go on dates. If they don't share that perspective and cooperate, next.

 

Example: a couple of weeks ago I got a "like" and a "wink" from a woman I found attractive thought I'd like to meet. We exchanged a few messages and I asked her out for the upcoming weekend. She said she had her daughter that weekend, but that she'd be with her Dad the following weekend, and said, can I get a rain-check. I said sure, next weekend then. We exchanged a few message during the week, but she was slow to respond and I got short answers to questions. So on Thursday I repeated my request for a date. Her response was, hey let's slow this down, and then asked a qualifying question (moving things backwards). I responded by reminding her that we had already cleared availability for the weekend and she asked for a rain-check. And I said the meeting was just a chance to talk and get acquainted, no big deal. She didn't like that. She called me controlling and said that was a red-flag. NEXT! I'm not going to put up with that shyte––I don't give a phukk how desirable she thinks she is. She was a total time-waster. I could've messaged for a month or two and it would've been the same result. Ask'em out and cull quickly.

[Myasylum]

Well...

 

A couple other things I have found with online dating, a lot of situations seem to be about them, where you have to keep the situation going, you have to make most of the effort and they do most of the talking about themselves. They don't seem to ask much about you so you feel like your doing most of the chasing or it just dies.

I've done enough chasing in High School not real interested at 45 years of age. If it doesn't seem mutual doesn't seem worth my time.

 

At least with the girl I mentioned above she messages me on her own free will, and if late says goodnight. So yea, I have a little more into that one.

 

 

And your right, in this new world I'm not sure what my expectations should be.

Edited October 18, 2017 by Myasylum

[act00]

Ask her out on a date. This meet her when she gets off of work is not a good first meet, and you're not demonstrating a genuine desire to meet and spend time getting to know her. With online dating, I'm surprised she shared with you where she works at all. There's personal information that people don't share with strangers on the internet until there's a meeting, so I think you need to start considering actual dates and not fly-by's.

 

The texts are great to keep that momentum going until the day you meet. You'll find people may already be booked on the weekend, as you just met, so be open to a shorter date on a week day, coffee, a drink, and of course if your schedules vary and don't necessarily meet up, work around that. You don't have to plan dinner or other activities. The idea is to just meet. If things go well, and if there are no obstacles, that one drink can lead to dinner or another activity.

 

Texting is hard to gauge as everyone has different levels of like/dislike on this type of communication. There should be some interest, but if she's not really engaging with you, there is a chance she's not interested. She could also be pretty turned off by your initial approach and not willing to invest a lot of time texting until there's an actual date. I've been sucked into the penpal situation more than once, so when an interest to meet isn't forthcoming, I'm pretty much one foot out the door. I would also be turned off if the guy just wanted a fly by and didn't make an effort to carve out some one-on-one time, during a time I can relax. No, immediately after work is not ideal, but doable. I work in an office environment, so it's not dirty or stinky, but someone who's been on their feet all day waitressing and dealing with people, food, and messes, might not be keen on an after work first date, especially at 10 p.m. Let her offer that as an option if she's okay with it.

[guest569]

I definitely think a proper date at a time when she is not working. 10pm is a strange time to meet and maybe she chickened out on meeting a stranger at that time or thought it was a hook up

[d0nnivain]

OLD is full of flakes. It's too "easy" to move on to the next profile.

 

On it's own 10 p.m. might be too late for a date but since she doesn't get off work until then, it was a fine choice. Nobody would say boo if you chose to meet somebody at 5 who got off work then so I doubt it's the time.

 

Since she came back of her own accord, do meet her IF you are still interested but sit back & let her explain why she flaked.

 

As for OLD being the way things are done now -- rubbish. That's what people told me 12 years ago so I tried it. Like you I hated it. It's one tool. There are others. I ended up meeting my husband at a networking event. So by all means keep up with OLD but also make sure to put yourself in at least 1 real life situation per week where you can meet new people: speed dating, MeetUp, volunteering etc.

[JEG88]

OLD is full of flakes. It's too "easy" to move on to the next profile.

 

So by all means keep up with OLD but also make sure to put yourself in at least 1 real life situation per week where you can meet new people: speed dating, MeetUp, volunteering etc.

 

I agree with this. OLD is a needle-in-a-haystack situation, compounded by being a numbers game for men on top of requiring a ton of effort (tons of messages) to find that needle (a date).

 

On one hand, OLD's relative anonymity does let you move on if you end up not being interested enough to meet. On the other, that means attention-hungry women, perverted men and as above, flakes. Not to mention having to sift through those who are openly (or subconsciously) looking for hookups/FWB/casual dating when you're looking more long-term.

 

Just a matter of managing your expectations with OLD. Make the effort when you have the time, and if you find someone great. Feel free to go on multiple dates simultaneously until you feel enough for someone to be exclusive.

[Romantic_Antics]

I do question how a meet after work at 10 PM was scheduled. I cant imagine many women are keen on their first meet with a stranger online being at 10PM?

 

I mean couldn't you have picked a day she was off and scheduled an afternoon meet for coffee, evening meet for drinks, or something?

 

A thought occurred to me as I read ^this that maybe she felt uncomfortable with the 10pm "first date" and backed off? I hate to say it, but the only time I ever met someone at that hour was for a booty call.

 

The whole thing could simply be a misunderstanding. I say give it another shot if she's interested, but try asking her on a real date this time. Something earlier that gives you two a chance to actually talk and get to know one another.

 

And be cool about her being on the dating site every day. You're not in a relationship with her so that is her right. Besides, you're on it every day too or you wouldn't know that she is.

[bluefeather]

Yea, I know.

Just thought it would be a fun quirky casual way to meet the first time. I realized it wasn't the most promising thing to do.

She agreed to do it.... for a day.

 

Yo.. you're a 45-year-old man. Why do you wanna be "quirky?"

 

Ask her out on a date somewhere else when she's free. Her colleagues probably talked her out of having a stranger from the internet show up at her workplace at night, and for good reason.

[GemmaUK]

I definitely wouldn't be happy meeting someone for a first meet at my work place and not at that time of night either.

 

I also think you're expecting too much thinking she shouldn't be on the dating app. You haven't met and aren't even dating, she is just a contact at the moment.

 

Ask her on a proper date when she is not working (not straight after she finishes) and to meet in a public place - not her work nor her home.

[Myasylum]

Just as a update...

 

We were taking really heavily again and things were going great, so I took the chance and ask her out on a "date".

She agreed, I thought great! Now things are moving somewhere!

The day before the date, "I'm sorry, my friend is in the hospital, I'll have to postpone"

Ok... this is all possible, but this is strike 2.

I was kind and understanding, but since all conversion has died. (Been about two days).

Like I mentioned before, I can't stand chasing females, but that is exactly what this seems to be turning into.

 

Advice?

[OatsAndHall]

Ok...

 

I'm newly single at 45. I truly hate this online dating thing.

However I've been told, this is how you do things now.

 

I did meet someone (Online) that I did hit it off with, but I'm a bit confused.

 

I told her I would meet her after she got out of work at 10:00.

Not really a date, but just kind of a introduction. She's a waitress so it's easy enough just to show up at anytime.

She said that would be great.

Next day she tells me she'll probably be gone by 10:00. So I said... OK?? Should I not bother then? She said, "Probably not". Kind of pissed me off, because we still could have done something else, she just showed no interest to do so. After that I just left her alone. 2 weeks later I get a message that she missed talking to me and didn't know what happened. I should have told her right then and there, but I didn't. I just said I was busy.

Now we've been talking everyday again for about a week.

 

Do I give this another shot? Maybe make it a real date? Not just show up at her work?

 

I'm just really disappointed she never followed up the first time. "Probably not" doesn't seem real promising.

And I see she's still on the dating site daily, so this could all be attention for her and talking to 20 other guys. That's part of what I hate about the online thing. People can easily feed off all the attention if that's what they are into.

 

Any help? New to all this.

 

Thanks!

 

This is one of the pitfalls of OLD and my friends and I refer to it as "Rolodex Dating". Men and women both do it; they talk to multiple people at once, plan dates, find something shinier, that doesn't workout and they come back around. I just recently jumped back on OLD after a year away from it and had two experiences with it straight off of the bat. It's happened to me before but one of the last two times was pretty blatant.

 

A woman responded to one of my messages quickly, she asked for my phone number, we texted back and forth and I asked her on a date. She asked to add me on Facebook as well, as she was probably trying to make sure I was being straight forward. She texted-bombed me for days (flirty stuff, sexual innuendoes, pics, etc..), we planned a date and then she just went cold on me for a few days; a complete 180. She did text me one night while she was at work, we chatted for a little bit and the she told me I was distracting her from work and she needed to go.

 

But... I got on the app to check a few messages and saw she was possibly on there (the app is fickle that way) and then hopped on FB to tinker around and she had started putting up posts right after she got off of the phone with me (they came up on my feed). I was on and off of the app and FB all night and it said she was on one or the other. I didn't hear anything from her for two days after that. I didn't get angry about it as, again, it's OLD. But, I didn't follow through with our date plans, told her I didn't think things were going to work out and wished her well. It ended like that, no muss, no fuss.

 

This is just something to be aware of with OLD. Don't waste your time getting angry about it because it's going to happen. Pay attention to the hot and cold communication and be ready to move on if it happens. I don't buy into the "I've been sooo busy" excuse as it takes thirty seconds to respond to a text message.

Edited October 22, 2017 by OatsAndHall

[dumbass2]

Just as a update...

 

We were taking really heavily again and things were going great, so I took the chance and ask her out on a "date".

She agreed, I thought great! Now things are moving somewhere!

The day before the date, "I'm sorry, my friend is in the hospital, I'll have to postpone"

Ok... this is all possible, but this is strike 2.

I was kind and understanding, but since all conversion has died. (Been about two days).

Like I mentioned before, I can't stand chasing females, but that is exactly what this seems to be turning into.

 

Advice?

 

How exactly did you respond to that cancellation?

 

One thing I noticed with the first cancellation was that you replied, should I not bother then? I think you might have showed a lack of interest by not suggesting still getting together maybe at another place. Just something to think about. The last cancellation could be problematic. I would look for her to reschedule and not you. I would like to hear your response to her.

[act00]

Just as a update...

 

We were taking really heavily again and things were going great, so I took the chance and ask her out on a "date".

She agreed, I thought great! Now things are moving somewhere!

The day before the date, "I'm sorry, my friend is in the hospital, I'll have to postpone"

Ok... this is all possible, but this is strike 2.

I was kind and understanding, but since all conversion has died. (Been about two days).

Like I mentioned before, I can't stand chasing females, but that is exactly what this seems to be turning into.

 

Advice?

 

Why are you using quotes on the word "date"? Are you once again planning some sort of non-date? No real effort or plan to dedicate some time on getting to know each other? If that's the case, it doesn't surprise me she bailed again.

 

It's not strike 2. The first "date" was a proposed drive-by. It wasn't a date.

 

Everything else aside, this woman sounds busy and has other priorities. She's not available to you. Maybe when her life slows down, she'll reach out to you, but I think for you, it's time to move on.

[Cookiesandough]

I agree with act. What does "date" mean. Was it at least at a proper hour this time? I feel like this person is just wasting your time by continuing to chat and not meet, but honestly I would not meet someone who asked to first meet me after work at 10pm either

[OatsAndHall]

I agree, meeting at that late of an hour is strange but, then again, so are most behaviors in OLD.. I had a woman once ask me if I wanted to meet her after she got off of work for drinks and that was going to be at 11pm at night. I had tried to set up a coffee date but that's what she wanted... Needless to say, I declined.

 

The woman shouldn't be contacting you if she was turned off by that time anyway. You're still in the Rolodex, my friend and I would get yourself out of it quickly if I was in your shoes. I get the feeling she is dragging you along as a Plan B (or C, or D, or Z...) right now and that's not kosher.

 

Again, just pay attention to the hot and cold communication. The mature women that I have been out with stay in communication with me until we go out on the date. Then things either continue to pick up or they die off. But, I'm quick to can a date with a woman who is flaky about communicating with me, even if we have established a date. And, I cut off ties quickly if they are flaky about meeting; I don't need a POF pen-pal. I don't expect them to text me all day long or gush over me but a text or two per day isn't unreasonable to ask for. It only takes thirty seconds to fire off a message that says "I just wanted to say a quick hello, I've got a hectic day a head of me, I hope you're well."

 

But, welcome to the world of OLD, my friend. This site is a good place to vent about it and gain some perspective.

[Coffeeguy]

Ok...

 

I'm newly single at 45. I truly hate this online dating thing.

However I've been told, this is how you do things now.

 

I did meet someone (Online) that I did hit it off with, but I'm a bit confused.

 

I told her I would meet her after she got out of work at 10:00.

Not really a date, but just kind of a introduction. She's a waitress so it's easy enough just to show up at anytime.

She said that would be great.

Next day she tells me she'll probably be gone by 10:00. So I said... OK?? Should I not bother then? She said, "Probably not". Kind of pissed me off, because we still could have done something else, she just showed no interest to do so. After that I just left her alone. 2 weeks later I get a message that she missed talking to me and didn't know what happened. I should have told her right then and there, but I didn't. I just said I was busy.

Now we've been talking everyday again for about a week.

 

Do I give this another shot? Maybe make it a real date? Not just show up at her work?

 

I'm just really disappointed she never followed up the first time. "Probably not" doesn't seem real promising.

And I see she's still on the dating site daily, so this could all be attention for her and talking to 20 other guys. That's part of what I hate about the online thing. People can easily feed off all the attention if that's what they are into.

 

Any help? New to all this.

 

Thanks!

 

Buddy, as a 42 year old guy who did the online thing, I can tell you first hand it is the biggest waste of time for our generation. We were the last ones to do it our way before the internet and to us, it's the best way. Anything that goes against that (as OLD does) is just going to make you ask more questions while also crushing your self-esteem. Most of the women (not all) on there are absolutely, positively NUTS. I've seen attractive faces on the same sites for years. Profiles that seem perfect. I would feel that "connection" when I think I found someone with shared interests but it ALWAYS drops. Either people fade or they only text or they just drag you along until something better comes their way. It's an awful arena to be in and honestly, it's a younger people thing in my book.

Edited October 22, 2017 by Coffeeguy

[Myasylum]

I put "date" in quotes because I agree, the first one wasn't so much a date, as a get together just to meet.

The second time I made sure was a date.

 

When she cancelled, I just said... "Ok" when she explained further I was just understanding to her. I didn't want to make a big fuss.

 

She has gone cold again and expected exactly what you guys mentioned. Right before the date a new guy perhaps came around and suddenly I was put on the back burner.

 

It's frustrating. Don't know how you people deal with it?

 

I guess ill just move along...

[Coffeeguy]

I put "date" in quotes because I agree, the first one wasn't so much a date, as a get together just to meet.

The second time I made sure was a date.

 

When she cancelled, I just said... "Ok" when she explained further I was just understanding to her. I didn't want to make a big fuss.

 

She has gone cold again and expected exactly what you guys mentioned. Right before the date a new guy perhaps came around and suddenly I was put on the back burner.

 

It's frustrating. Don't know how you people deal with it?

 

I guess ill just move along...

 

Wanna know what meeting someone online brought me?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/638156-there-something-wrong-me#post7438576

 

That's just one example.

 

You never even got to the actual date. Even if you did, there's little chance it would work. If you're like me, you would expect some clear communication and now your odds even slimmer.

 

Once I told myself no more OLD, I realized how much time and emotion I invested and wasted. Promising dates that go nowhere. People who only want to get laid. Revolving doors. Stay away.

 

Oh and PS: Her friend was not in the hospital. Jesus, that's the oldest lie in the book.

[staggerlee71]

This reads like she is non committal to a date.

 

Her visit to the hospital is entirely possible.

 

I would just shoot straight. Send an email stating your interested in meeting and seeing if there is any chemistry. Would she like to reschedule the date for (insert time here). If she is not interested, please you will move on.

 

My guess, she has a few on the hook and you fall in the middle

[bluefeather]

Yeah, drop her and find someone else. She's wasting your time.