Supposed to be flying to spend weekend with new guy and communication is off

[Casio167]

Hi, so would appreciate some advice here.

Met a guy a few weeks ago, he lives abroad, about an hour flight away from me and was in my country visiting his family for the week (is originally from the country I’m in). We matched on Tinder, went on two dates when he was here, had a great time and really clicked. We slept together on the second date, and have remained in contact since. He texted me to ask when we would see each other again, and said he would be happy for me to come over and visit, that the distance between us is tricky, but wanted to get to know me better, and we wouldn’t know what would happen in the future. So I’ve booked flights and am due to head to where he is living on Friday, hence the urgency of this post.

The week he was in the country, before and during and just after those dates the communication was great, engaging, witty, seemed very interested. When he asked me over obviously he continued to be engaging and made it clear he was interested. Since then he still texts every day, but it honestly feels quite lacklustre, like he is not really putting in much effort, and is doing it because he feels he has to since I’m supposed to be coming over this weekend. I understand that people have busy lives, but I feel like he is quite distant here and not matching the energy that would need to be kept up in order for the visit to go smoothly. When he texts now I actually feel embarrassed replying, like he might not actually want to hear from me and it is just perfunctory. I feel like if you actually fancy someone the effort would be more than this, and the excitement would be plain to see.

Yesterday I asked him what we would do the weekend I’m there and he told me he was looking forward to it, was chuffed I was coming over, and said some of the activities we would do, however, the actual texting communication despite these words does not at all reflect this sentiment, so it seems like it’s all talk, but nothing to back it up. For example this evening he sent me a text, I responded, and it was me carrying the conversation until he just didn’t even bother reading my last message. This has happened a few times. I’m not a bunny boiler, I have pulled back, and intend on not contacting him for a few days to see if there’s anything from his side worth responding to, in the hope that this will come to some sort of a head before I go over.

How do I handle this? And from a guys perspective, would you actually bother spending a weekend with someone staying at your house just for sex? As far as Im concerned now at this stage if the communication doesn’t pick up I’m not going to be able to head over.

 

I should also add, in the week after he went back, communication dropped off significantly, I assumed he was giving me the slow fade, and said it to him, he told me he wasn’t, and communication was back to how it was as before. He has told me he isn’t seeing anyone over there, and isn’t looking to-which of course would be absolutely none of my business, and I wouldn’t mind only that I am supposed to be spending a weekend with him soon.

 

Thanks for reading.

[d0nnivain]

I think you can't tell a whole lot over text. Have you tried actually speaking to him via telephone; you may hear more reassurance in his voice.

 

Since you presumably already have non-refundable plane tickets go with enough money to get yourself a hotel room if things go south. See what you learn seeing him in his home environment.

[Casio167]

Thanks for the reply. We have spoken on the phone, but to be honest he has seemed so distant the last week or so that I would feel very uncomfortable and as if I'm being clingy if I were to phone him now. The last message I sent him in the exchange today he hasn't even bothered logging on to read! I just find it completely bizarre behaviour when you're about to spend a weekend with someone you dont really know to go this cold before it happens. Surely you'd want to keep up contact and maintain the rapport!

I have friends who live in a city near by him, that I can stay with if this doesnt work out but being honest if it's that he's changed his mind or gone off the idea I really dont want to have to see him at all.

Edited October 16, 2017 by Casio167

[d0nnivain]

I don't see where calling him tomorrow or even Wednesday would be clingy. You need information about the upcoming trip.

 

If you are still unhappy, just revise your plans & see your friends.

[Gaeta]

I don't see calling him as cligny, I see it as being smart and he can think what ever he wants.

 

It sounds like his interest dropped when he got back home. It's not uncommon for it to happen. It's like a summer vacation - out of sight out of mind.

[olivetree]

I'm sure he'll still be happy to have you come over and have fun and sex with him for a weekend, but I think he is managing your expectations by dialling back the communication, so you don't think this will be a continuous long distance thing.

 

With that in mind, do you think you could still go and have fun?

[Cookiesandough]

You are flying out to see him and you met on Tinder?! Arent there a ton of people in your city on Tinder. Is he at least helping with the ticket? I feel like you're investing way too much already and unlikely to see the return you want

[Casio167]

Hi olivetree, yes this had crossed my mind as well.

No to be honest, I dont think I would be up for that because it wiuld just make me feel used. It's not the same amount of effort he had put in before, and not what I signed up for, at the moment the effort to me is kind of minimal, and I'm not getting enough out of it for things to go ahead the way they are.

 

Thanks for your input! Appreciate it!

[Casio167]

You are flying out to see him and you met on Tinder?! Arent there a ton of people in your city on Tinder. Is he at least helping with the ticket? I feel like you're investing way too much already and unlikely to see the return you want

 

No harm in a bit of an adventure sometimes. We hit if off, thought it could be a fun weekend, but if he's no longer mirroring the interest I'd prefer to leave it. Flights dont cost a fortune.

[Cookiesandough]

I guess if you feel that way about and you have the luxury to, that's cool. But it will prob be a fling. For LD to work you need two people very interested and committed to making it work. No lukewarm people. But if it's just for fun and adventure, why not? He must be really hot.

 

 

He may have dropped off communication because he will see you in a bit

Edited October 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Casio167]

I guess if you feel that way about and you have the luxury to, that's cool. But it will prob be a fling. For LD to work you need two people very interested and committed to making it work. No lukewarm people. But if it's just for fun and adventure, why not? He must be really hot.

 

 

He may have dropped off communication because he will see you in a bit

 

Maybe! But it's put me right off in the mean time! Thanks for your input! I appreciate it.

[act00]

You're about to travel to a completely different area, and you'd like to solidify plans and details, and NO that is not "clingy." If he perceives being a good host and organizing plans with an out of town guest as being burdened by a "clingy" person, he is a jerk. The reality is, not only is he a sucky host, but he's a sucky maybe-boyfriend.

 

If you have the means, get a hotel or make use of your friends in the area - take them to dinner as thanks for taking you in last-minute. If the tickets are refundable, I would cancel...or possibly eat the cost. This lackadaisical behavior would not leave me very excited to be stranded and stuck in a strange area with a man who is less than enthusiastic to deal with me. With no money for hotel, no means of transportation, I wouldn't go.

 

Otherwise, I agree, you can enjoy the fling, see the sights, and call it a day.

 

In the future, if he wants a real relationship, though long-distance, he can put in some effort. Don't book any flights unless he is enthusiastic and engaged in your coming to visit, and only then will you book a flight. You will suggest flight times and arrival and departures and what to do in between, and based on the enthusiasm and agreed time, book it. This works both ways. If he's planning a trip to see you, he needs to be engaged and enthusiastic, as you have to organize your life around him...if he's a wet noodle, noncommittal, and wishy-washy, don't bother accepting him as a guest. A good guests defines plans and timelines to their host...communication.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I always say, "Go with your gut!" In your place next time the two of you are in communication I would ask him something like, "Things pretty busy over there?" Wait for his answer, then, "Is this still a good time to come or would another time be better?" If he responds that another time is better then I'd leave the ball in his court for all communication, to suggest a time and to make me want to plan a trip to see him.

[joseb]

You two met and hooked up on Tinder while he was away from home.

It has a very low probability of becoming anything long term.

 

You say it's not "what you signed up for". Did you two have a detailed discussion about how you were going to be in an exclusive long distance relationship? If so, then call him and clarify, and depending on his response, cancel or go.

 

You sound like you have an adventurous spirit, I would just go and enjoy the weekend for whatever it is. If you arrive and he is lukewarm in person, then call your friends instead.

[Highndry]

Isn't Tinder just for hooking up for sex? I don't have Facecrook so I have never checked it out. If so, I'd bet most guys aren't thinking about a serious relationship with gals on there. I know I wouldn't be.

[coolheadal]

Isn't Tinder just for hooking up for sex? I don't have Facecrook so I have never checked it out. If so, I'd bet most guys aren't thinking about a serious relationship with gals on there. I know I wouldn't be.

 

Yes tinder is just for hook-ups and casual sex.

[coolheadal]

Casio,

 

Remember read what he said in his text, you see how cold shoulder he's giving you. Wouldn't he be just as excited to be with you still even though he's gone back to his country. Why didn't you just go back with him book a flight just go! He might holding back and doesn't want the same type of relationship you want. Did you two fornicate? Was he excited to hear from you when you phone him up? If not cancel your tickets don't go to him. Why would you go if you don't feel the same as he does or he doesn't feel so into it was just another casual sex then short-term love, one night stand or quickie.. Tinder is not a LTR it's STR... If fly over to him then you'll see the truth, the real man would be in his comfort-zone!

[Cookiesandough]

Hi olivetree, yes this had crossed my mind as well.

No to be honest, I dont think I would be up for that because it wiuld just make me feel used. It's not the same amount of effort he had put in before, and not what I signed up for, at the moment the effort to me is kind of minimal, and I'm not getting enough out of it for things to go ahead the way they are.

 

Thanks for your input! Appreciate it!

 

I didn't see that. If this is the case, I agree with Al. Don't go if there's any chance you will feel used. Texting isn't a great indicator of interest, anyway. Texting is low effort. I'm also curious if you guys have fornicated (chuckles) because you could go and not hook up if you're uncomfortable. Just please don't do anything you'll wind up regretting or are unsure about.

Edited October 17, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GemmaUK]

This all sounds like a bad idea to me.

 

It was Tinder.

It was just a few dates and you really don't know the guy.

You're staying with him rather than at a hotel.

He's gone off the boil.

It's likely a location you don't know or don't know very well.

He already said the distance was tricky - not so much for him if he isn't doing any travelling though is it.

Have you already made sure that the friends you mentioned live close by are around so that you can quickly change plan and stay there if you need to or do you at least have details of local hotels in mind (a few in case they are fully booked)?

[d0nnivain]

No harm in a bit of an adventure sometimes. We hit if off, thought it could be a fun weekend, but if he's no longer mirroring the interest I'd prefer to leave it. Flights dont cost a fortune.

 

 

In that spirit alone -- and more so that you don't lose the money you spent on the ticket -- revise your plans to stay with your friends in that city. Call him & tell him about your new accommodations. You calling him to inform him about your changed plans is hardly clingy; it's setting appropriate boundaries. Expect him to be miffed & expect this to fizzle. Enjoy your friends & be done with him. In the unlikely event he steps up to the plate, see how that goes.

[heavenonearth]

Yes tinder is just for hook-ups and casual sex.

 

 

I met my boyfriend on tinder.

A good friend of mine met her boyfriend on tinder.

I know a lot of people who met on tinder.

 

It's not just for hook up and sex. I think a majority of the people use it for that, yes. But I also know a great chunk of people who are using it to meet potential partners.

 

Now, I cannot speak for OPs guy here, but I am also moving rather towards the booty call/hook up category.

 

OP, go on the trip! Enjoy yourself. Don't expect too much. Try not to get attached. And just see it as a learning experience. This way, if something positive happens, you can enjoy it even more. And if it ends up being disappointing, well, then you just go back home and know that you won't do something like this again.

 

# YOLO

 

[ExpatInItaly]

If you are looking for something more serious, this isn't your guy, OP.

 

Have a bit of fun if you like, but I would not expect anything more to come of it.

[Casio167]

Hi!

 

Thanks for all the replies. Just wanted to note to folk saying Tinder is just for sex and hook ups, absolutely not! I've been to three Tinder weddings this year alone! And my last serious boyfriend I met off of Tinder.

 

Had an honest chat today and he has reassured me, we are doing the weekend to suss each other out and had said this previously, no promises but it is to feel each other out and get to know each other better. Feel much better after chatting, he's a better talker than texter and we are both nervous about the upcoming weekend, it's a lot!.

 

Also wanted to add he first offered to fly back to my country for the visit, but I suggested his for the change, just in case folk think it's me doing all the legwork and all the suggesting.

 

So i'll head over and have the lols, enjoy the weekend and make a decision one way or another when it's over.

 

Thanks all for your thoughtful replies-really appreciate it!

Edited October 17, 2017 by Casio167

[d0nnivain]

Great. Glad you were able to talk. It's soooooo much better than text anyway.

 

 

Enjoy your weekend. Let us know how it goes.

Edited October 17, 2017 by d0nnivain

[LivingWaterPlease]

So glad to read your update! Sounds as if you'll have a great time and will go over there confident that he's looking forward to it, too! And, yes, let us know how it goes!