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Am I right or is insecutity killing me?


Sbla22

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Been going out with a girl for nearly 5 months now.

 

We are both 26 and in love.

 

She gave me a key to her house just over 2 months in.

 

However I don't know if my anxiety and insecurity are beginning to cause huge problems or that I'm right to be a little suspicious.

 

Here's the problem:

 

She's always been honest about the fact that she is good friends with her ex. They split up 4 years ago but have remained close since.

 

She goes climbing twice a week and at least once a week he goes too. I have met him and went with her (she kept asking) but climbing wasn't for me.

 

Sometimes they give each other lifts there and make a quick dinner for each other before it...I found that out accidentally by coming over to hers unannounced once. She had told me he was giving her a lift that night but I discovered he was coming for dinner first as he got there shortly after me. We had a big fight but she said he was just a friend having dinner before climbing and that it doesn't change anything. This was around 2 months back now and I made peace with it.

 

I have mentioned a couple of times I'm a little uncomfortable about it and my girlfriend has said she knows it's wierd and understands how it could be difficult for me but that they were friends at uni, got together, it didn't work and have remained friends and she sees no reason why that shouldn't continue. I sort of accept that.

 

Then it all kicked off again last weekend. We had a great night out, but when we got back to her place I jokingly said 'I think I've lost the key!' As I had taken her house key out and she left hers in the house. So she said 'dont joke about that as you won't like the solution if we're locked out...Jack (her ex) has a spare key in case she gets locked out"

 

I was shocked and hurt as I saw her giving me the key 2 months in as a massive symbol of trust. So I questioned her as to why her ex has one too and she said she gave it to him before she met me as he is the only close friend who lives nearby in case she gets locked out.

 

I said I didn't like it and wasn't comfortable with it. She said she can understand but doesn't see why it's a massive issue and it's purely for practical reasons.

 

Ok so here's what gets complicated and tricky. I began to snoop at her phone as paranoia hit in. I know it's wrong but I did it.

 

So I found her texts to him aren't overly bad or flirty however in the last few weeks there's been some things said by her to him that seem to be big red flags:

 

. She told him something seems off balance in her life and she doesn't like that she only sees him at climbing now.

 

. She missed climbing one evening and said to him 'did you miss me?'

 

And this week his grandfather wasn't well. She did tell me this but has then seen him twice and lied both times to me.

 

The first time she was meant to go to Church in the morning then see me after it. I text her at the time she usually finishes church, no reply. I rang twice and she didn't answer. Then an hour later she rang and said after the service they did choir practice so that's why she was so late.

 

After checking her phone she had text her ex 'just finished church, can come round for an hour or so if you want' to comfort him I assume. But she lied.

 

Then this week I was meant to see her after work. I text her half an hour after she finished, she saw the whatsapp message but ignored it. Then rang me about an hour later saying work was hectic and she was going to go horse riding then see me.

 

So after checking her phone what really happened was that she actually did finish work late but she didn't see her horse. She went to her ex for an hour 'to rant' (they are both doctors) but she text him asking to come round at the exact time she was ignoring me whatsapp...and she lied about seeing him again...

 

So obviously I can't tell her I looked at her phone but this is a massive concern to me.

 

100% dont think she's sexually cheating on me but I don't know whether to class this as emotional cheating or because I've shown it bothers me and been insecure and jealous she now feels like she can't tell me she's gone to see a friend because I see him only as her ex.

 

She tells me she loves me and feels nothing but friendship for this guy but all of this recent stuff has really thrown me...

 

She said she'd think about the key thing because I mentioned again how it made me feel uncomfortable but I don't know what to do now.

 

Any advice?

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heavenonearth

I definitely think you are overreacting. And you guys have terrible communication. She is lying to you about seeing her friend because you've been insanely jealous, and she wants to avoid conflict. Nobody likes conflict, especially if it is unnecessary.

Besides, with your behavior, you are driving her away and into his arms. Don't you see?

 

They dated 4 years ago. So what?

 

I tried to date my best friend a few years back. It was terrible. Now we are best friends. And yes, I write him that I miss him. Does not make me love my boyfriend less.

 

Perhaps it would help if you stop making a big deal out of their friendship and treat the guy nicely. Maybe have all three of you go out for dinner or something. It would show her you are working on your insecurities, and you can get to know him better. How about that?

 

Don't expect the worst. I see how it can seem that way with your girlfriend and her friend. But something tells me you are riling yourself up for nothing. You are dramatizing it. Sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Maybe I am totally wrong about this. Everyone will probably tell you to drop her like a hot potato. But hey, I know what anxiety and insecurities can do to a person. Sometimes it all makes sense in our heads, and in the end, all we end up doing is screw things for ourselves by expecting the worst.

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Romantic_Antics

The problem is she has now lied to him repeatedly and he no longer fully trusts her. He's not purely dealing with insecurity - she did lie multiple times. Lying to avoid conflict is still lying. The more appropriate route for her to have taken would've been to be honest and then deal with the potential conflict in a productive fashion. Open communication and compromise could've nipped all of that in the bud.

 

With that said, when the trust is gone in a relationship, the relationship is effectively over. It could drag on for a few more very unhealthy months where the OP is full of doubt, suspicion, distrust, and insecurity, which causes her to distance herself and further increase the level of doubt, suspicion, distrust, and insecurity. This is the sad but true reality when the trust is gone.

 

That's for you to decide, OP. Can you fully forgive her and move past it with no more doubts, suspicion, or insecurity? Because if you can't, the rest of the relationship is going to be pretty miserable for you and it will end.

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Been going out with a girl for nearly 5 months now.

We are both 26 and in love.

 

Any advice?

 

Seriously... I don't think this is going to work. How are you supposed to build a relationship while she is essentially still dating her ex. They have romantic dinner rendezvous before spending hours climbing together?

 

The fact that she thinks this is just you being "jealous" is way over the top. If you saw no problem with this then I would either question your sanity or assume you are one of those guys that dreams of jerking off in the closet while watching his woman hit it with other men. :sick:

 

It's only been 5 months. I don't think you can ask her to change her life for this... or to get over her ex faster. Basically... this isn't a serious relationship. You are a rebound. I think it's cool to still date this female, but you should also start dating others at the same time. I don't think you even have to talk to her about this since clearly she doesn't think you guys are exclusive.

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I have no idea if she's falling into another romantic relationship with him. But it shouldn't matter. The moment you stop trusting your GF/BF to the point that you have to snoop and catch the other lying, there is no relationship. Maybe she's screwing him or planning to or maybe he's just a friend and you're too much the jealous type. Either way, something is wrong.

 

So, figure out what you want to do. The choices are break up with her, confront her and tell her that she needs to choose, confront her and tell her you're trying to not be jealous but you'll need her help, or pretend it didn't happen.

 

Personally, the healthiest options are to break up with her (i.e. you're different people and it isn't going to work out) or confront her and ask for help (you're different people but if she and you are willing, you can try to figure out how you both change a little bit).

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As a man, I never stay friends with exes. They were a romantic interest, and that is all. When it is over, it is OVER. I can't even imagine how awkward that would be to hang out with her and her new boyfriend. Even if it was something that I was interested in, and I cannot imagine what would possess me to feel that way, I wouldn't do it purely out of respect for the new guy. No man wants to meet and hang out with his new gf's ex. If kids are involved, that is entirely different.

 

This woman has put herself and her relationship with her ex before you and your relationship, not to mention the lying and calculated behavior. If it were me I would simply explain this to her and move on.

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You can have an honest conversation your snooping and her lies; it might not end happily, but at least you'll have been upfront rather than continuing to be motivated by your insecurity and distrust.

 

Personally I'd feel uncomfortable with that level of friendship with an ex. An friend/ex being a climbing partner and occasionally socializing with you as a couple? Not a big deal. A friend/ex having weekly dinners and her omitting her interactions with him would be an issue for me. Whatever anyone else thinks of their friendship, it's important to her - if you're not comfortable with that dynamic, it's probably not the relationship to be in.

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heavenonearth
The problem is she has now lied to him repeatedly and he no longer fully trusts her. He's not purely dealing with insecurity - she did lie multiple times. Lying to avoid conflict is still lying. The more appropriate route for her to have taken would've been to be honest and then deal with the potential conflict in a productive fashion. Open communication and compromise could've nipped all of that in the bud.

 

With that said, when the trust is gone in a relationship, the relationship is effectively over. It could drag on for a few more very unhealthy months where the OP is full of doubt, suspicion, distrust, and insecurity, which causes her to distance herself and further increase the level of doubt, suspicion, distrust, and insecurity. This is the sad but true reality when the trust is gone.

 

That's for you to decide, OP. Can you fully forgive her and move past it with no more doubts, suspicion, or insecurity? Because if you can't, the rest of the relationship is going to be pretty miserable for you and it will end.

 

 

That's what I am saying, they have terrible communication, and they both are at fault. She is lying and not being upfront with him about stuff that clearly bothers him, an he was snooping and is constantly nagging her about that guy friend of hers. No communication, no trust, no relationship. That's how it goes.

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It is not uncommon for exes to become friends with benefits. Lots of times the couple still love each other but cannot live together. Sometimes they have great sex together but cannot be married to each other. I had sex when I broke up with my ex fiancé and ex girlfriend. The sex was very good but the relationship wasn't.

 

I remember once on date that the girl I was with told me to shut up about my ex. I seemed to be talking about her a lot and was not aware of it. In fact, my ex girlfriend asked me to impregnate her because I had good genes which her new boyfriend did not. She wanted to pass it off as his and I said no way.

 

My policy over our 45 year marriage was no friends of the opposite sex. I know from painful experience that what starts as friendship often ends in sex. You cannot trust the person who tells you how much they love you or your best friends. I have been deceived by both. What bothered me the most was how easily they could lie to me with a loving face. How they turned what was accurate suspicion, into me not loving them enough to trust their vague excuses and reasons.

 

Exes do have sex with each other at times. There are many divorced people who had great sex lives but were not good spouses. When it comes to spouses or girl/boy friends, a healthy dose of mistrust is a good policy. The worse thing is for a woman to start pouring her heart out to a male friend when she is upset with you. Of course he is going to tell her she is right and anything else she wants to hear. Then she tells herself why you cannot be more like him. He gets me and is there for me emotionally. That rarely ends well.

 

If I were you I would leave the relationship to find a woman without feelings other than hate for her ex husband. I like the type who let you do things to them that they never let their husbands do. Those women never have sex with their exes. I do not suggest you tell her not to see her ex anymore. That will only make her mad and perhaps even see him behind your back. She will accuse you of not trusting her but in reality she cannot know what will happen down the road. Perhaps a big fight that drives her to use her exe's shoulder to cry on. Guys love to kiss crying girls to make it all better. :)

 

My way of thinking is that no one should give their partner any reason to be suspicious. Even being uncomfortable with the situation is cause enough to leave. I never wanted a woman with another guy in her life. I have never seen that end well unless the guy was gay.

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So, you stoop to deceit instead of just leaving her right there and just being done with her since this bothers you soooooo much.

 

I mean, if right is so on your side, you should tell her and have no fear about doing that whatsoever.

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How long did they date?

 

She's 26 so she dated him at 22. That's a life away for people in their 20s. Does he have a gf? If they wanted to be together don't you think they'd be together? You think a bf of 5 months would keep her from being with him? 5 months is a drop in the ocean, nothing forces her to be with you. She is with you because she wants to.

 

I think you went overboard with the snooping. You're taking information out of context and blowing it out of proportion. If this relationship fails you will have been the instigator.

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OP, you are obviously uncomfortable with the ex situation.

And now you don't trust her because she is lying to you about hanging out with her ex.

Perhaps these are deal-breakers for you and you need to accept that.

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I personally would have some major issues with this relationship, but I find myself on the fence in that she seems really into you, but due to your insecurities, she can't openly remain friends with this person, and this has resulted in her deception, as she doesn't want to stir the pot. I'm not saying it's right, but it is a perfectly normal reaction. I have to agree with Heavenonearth in that if you want to maintain your relationship with your girlfriend and improve the whole situation you're going to have to do some damage control. To learn to trust this guy and their friendship as a friendship, you should work to incorporate him as your friend. See if there are any activities you can do together. Maybe have breakfast/lunch/dinner together before they go climbing. Maybe the three of you could take a hike with no climbing. Invite him and other friends over to hang out, watch a movie, game night, BBQ, or plan an outing, bowling, etc. Just things that can incorporate him into your world the way her girlfriends and your guy friends might be incorporated into your group.

 

I can tell you that if this guy friend has interest in her, he will likely avoid "threesomes" and you, or groups. If she's interested in him in "that way," she'll likely avoid such situations as well. I think that might be your litmus test. If it goes well, it's not like you have to be pals with the guy, but you'll have some more security in that their friendship is what she claims.

 

Now, I also agree this deception is pretty bad, and that heteros with opposite gender friends can be sketchy at best. Things, as they say, happen, and if there's a mutual attraction, even though they didn't work as a couple back then...you never know. I don't think I could tolerate it. A friend who he sees once in awhile and talks to occasionally is hard enough, but regularly spending time together and chatting it up all week would be a tough pill to swallow, and I think I would be on the losing end of this one. If I demand no more contact, that creates resentment and ultimately I think the friend would win. If I simply tolerated it, especially being excluded (no transparency), she continues to have her "boo" and who knows that might transpire...maybe nothing.

 

Good luck OP. If you can't tolerate this friendship, you really do need to move on. You can't make her pick. No ultimatums. You will lose. I'm guessing she's going to lose a lot of men over time until she realizes she can't have the same type of friendship as before with this guy, or maybe she'll find a guy who is totally cool with it.

 

This guy is going to go through the same issues when he gets a girlfriend. His GF will be equally distraught over this friendship. HE may ultimately back off his friendship with your GF due to his GF's issues with it, and who knows how things will level out long-term.

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At the very least, the OP's GF is emotionally cheating. That's very clear to me with the texts and the way she's seeing and reaching out to him for emotional support and related conversations.

 

I'd drop out of that relationship in a second - I'm not up for subjecting myself to that kind of paranoia and doubt. I'm worth more than letting myself constantly take a backseat to a "friend" as such.

 

I am very against my S/O's being friends with exes, and I very much practice what I preach. I amicably cut off communication with my exes and never reach out after that. There's just too much opportunity for old feelings to kick in and make the person question the current relationship.

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Yeah seriously man I just got out of a situation like that where my instincts were telling me she was cheating and I was right. You feel it for a reason. If she really loved you, she would be doing all that stuff with you man. Dont let love blind you bro. Get out of there quick!

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Before everyone jumps the gun on her. I don';t want to sound rude. But when you have sex with her is she tight down there? If not then I would worry. If you and her are just having sex and she's not play with toys then you know she's not cheating.

 

The other issue is that she needs to get her key from her prior you live there now or you just have the key to get in. How many people beside you two have her key?

 

This guy the ex-lover who she still kept as close friend what's his status does he have new gf or does he just hang-out with her 100%. It's not odd today a lot of these women still keep the ex-aka as their non-sex buddy. We men like the male loin do not want our female with any other male. But you don't climb rocks and she loves climbing and she and him climb.

 

Miss you part on the text from the two of them suggest they're bit closer than she's letting you on though. I would be concern. Right now your her new boyfriend (still a stranger) she knows the ex for 4 years plus. Who would she trust more, him who would she go for help him and who would she trust more him. That's her, you can't change her mind. She won't take back the key's but what not get a lock smith to come in and change the locks so you and her just have keys to the house. See if she's willing to do that?

 

She has the ex as her close buddy, way too weird but some woman have men friends that take them out for coffee but she cooks dinner for him like nothing happens. Unless you move in 100% you won't know what she's really up to even if she has sex with him still you'll never know what goes on. The text miss you is something to wonder about.

 

If you leave her over this she's just have the ex still in her life so it doesn't matter if you pull that rabbit out of the hat. So you either deal with this or just move on to another woman. but again out of respect you can't tell her not to see him ever again. She will do whatever she pleases, because he's her buddy, friend her everything longer than you are to her.

 

He's still a part of her life and always be there. If you got married to her he would be at the wedding because she feels so close to him. That her best friend too.

 

You have to tell her how you feel and that you have seen her cell messages. As her have you fooled around with him when your not around other then he lifting you up to climb? Got to know the truth even if you break-up over this.

Edited by coolheadal
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That's what I am saying, they have terrible communication, and they both are at fault. She is lying and not being upfront with him about stuff that clearly bothers him, an he was snooping and is constantly nagging her about that guy friend of hers. No communication, no trust, no relationship. That's how it goes.

 

Which guy friend? Do you mean her ex of four years who has his own key to her house, has dinner and climbing dates with her every week and is constantly texting back and forth? That's not a "guy friend"

 

 

I'm all for having friends outside of a relationship, and I don't condone the snooping, but no way I would put up with this situation unless I was in a non exclusive relationship and was actively dating others too.

Edited by joseb
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i wouldnt be able to deal with that i would leave her but thats my opinion you will just feel paranoid all the time and wont trust her and trust is very important

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Versacehottie
I definitely think you are overreacting. And you guys have terrible communication. She is lying to you about seeing her friend because you've been insanely jealous, and she wants to avoid conflict. Nobody likes conflict, especially if it is unnecessary.

Besides, with your behavior, you are driving her away and into his arms. Don't you see?

 

They dated 4 years ago. So what?

 

I tried to date my best friend a few years back. It was terrible. Now we are best friends. And yes, I write him that I miss him. Does not make me love my boyfriend less.

 

Perhaps it would help if you stop making a big deal out of their friendship and treat the guy nicely. Maybe have all three of you go out for dinner or something. It would show her you are working on your insecurities, and you can get to know him better. How about that?

 

Don't expect the worst. I see how it can seem that way with your girlfriend and her friend. But something tells me you are riling yourself up for nothing. You are dramatizing it. Sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Maybe I am totally wrong about this. Everyone will probably tell you to drop her like a hot potato. But hey, I know what anxiety and insecurities can do to a person. Sometimes it all makes sense in our heads, and in the end, all we end up doing is screw things for ourselves by expecting the worst.

 

i also think insecure and paranoid people become unattractive to their partners in various ways (indirect to the issue) but still recognizable in some way. 75% of communication is non-verbal if you are feeling insecure and "less than" her ex she is going to "feel" if even if she can't put her finger on it exactly. It may be (suspect it IS) the reason she is saying something feels off. In a way you may be causing the very result you fear--driving her back into her ex's arms. I did think you were being paranoid at first and nothing was going on; it's starting to seem like she misses him for sure.

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Look, if it feels wrong for you, it is wrong for you. She seems to try to live an unusual, weird lifestyle. A fully committed relationship doesn't involve an ex this intensely. She's getting something from him that she is not getting from you, or wants to keep him around in case things with you don't work out.

 

Her intransparency (or should we call it trickle truth, as you basically had to work all of this out by yourself?) obviously sabotages the build up of actual trust. I suppose if you continue this relationship you will always have a nagging thought in the back of your mind 'Do I really know what's going on?'. That's not how I'd want to live my relationship.

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Don't expect the worst. I see how it can seem that way with your girlfriend and her friend. But something tells me you are riling yourself up for nothing. You are dramatizing it. Sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

How? As in because OP starts to wonder what's really going on, she decides to actually cheat? Out of spite or 'to fulfill the prophecy'? I don't understand this logic.

 

Either there's something fishy going on or there isn't. If there isn't, I guess we can agree that it's quite an unusual arrangement and her secrecy about it doesn't make her look good.

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That's what I am saying, they have terrible communication, and they both are at fault. She is lying and not being upfront with him about stuff that clearly bothers him, an he was snooping and is constantly nagging her about that guy friend of hers. No communication, no trust, no relationship. That's how it goes.

 

This isn't a communication issue. He has communicated clearly his discomfort with this "friendship" and she responded by lying to him. Repeatedly. Communication won't change the fact that she's still dating her ex.

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heavenonearth
Which guy friend? Do you mean her ex of four years who has his own key to her house, has dinner and climbing dates with her every week and is constantly texting back and forth? That's not a "guy friend"

 

 

I'm all for having friends outside of a relationship, and I don't condone the snooping, but no way I would put up with this situation unless I was in a non exclusive relationship and was actively dating others too.

 

I think you misunderstood what OP was saying. It is not an ex of four years, it is an ex from four years AGO!

FOUR YEARS AGO! It seems, from what I got from OPs post, that those two dated but it didn't work out and they went back to being friends. It just seems to me they are good friends, that's all.

 

And I only wrote what I wrote based on my own experience.

As I said, my best friend and me tried dating after we were friends for a year or so, but we were both just single and confused and realized it would never work, and went back to being friends. Nothing ever happened again and nothing ever will happen. Men and women can be friends, you know.

 

I truly do believe that OP was paranoid to begin with and his GF is quite patient with him. Seems he's been nagging her and being insanely jealous, which does not make him very attractive to his GF. It's counter productive. Again, this I am also saying based on my own experiences with my own jealousy in the past.

 

I think that oftentimes we are right with our intuitions. We listen to our gut for a reason. But it can also very quickly turn into paranoia and anxiousness, which can easily be mistaken for an intuitive gut feeling.

 

The only way to find out what is truly going on here is if you TALK to your girlfriend, OP. Don't nag. Don't yell. Don't accuse. Just talk. Tell her how you feel. If you can't live with the fact that she has a male close friend, then you should probably break up with her and move on. I do not think she is cheating on you, it makes no sense. Why would a 26 year old girl give her BF of 5 months a key to her house and stay with him through all his nagging if she really wants to be with someone else? She owes you NOTHING. So yeah, my 2 cents.

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