"she says he's just a friend"

[GoneKrazy]

Hey all,

 

You may disagree or agree with my thoughts but I want to hear all sides, that is why I am writing.

Thank you in advance!

 

I am a 41 year old male that through life has learned to trust my gut feelings and intuitions although I am aware that I’m m also a bit jealous by nature as well due to my life experiences I have issues trusting people fully ; not only in relationships just with people in general.

I trust many people with certain things but I have yet to meet a person I trust everything with completely 100%, myself included; it’s not a negative thought to me, we are all only human and susceptible to so much.

 

So here is what broke my trust and just can’t believe her when she says “He’s just a friend”…

 

For the past two years I have been dating a 26 year old that has her own place, job, mother of one 4 year old who I love with all my heart, the age does present its own challenges but it does work, that is not the issue here but definitely could have played into it. Once we had committed to be with each other only not long after we met I heard about a friend of hers "Mark" 10 years older, married, good looking, good build, bad boy, her type of guy. At first she told me that he was like a best friend that she met through her father, later in the relationship after some arguments and issues he had turned into just a friend and then after that just a guy she gets dope with.

They have been friends approximately five years. Before her and I were together she once invited him into her place for drinks as friends, he did try to sleep with her and she told me she said no and nothing has ever happened since; he has been respectful and never out of place.

What happened before her and I is not my business I’m just laying out some history of the friendship.

 

Issue #1:

During the first month of us "going steady" she had messaged me one late morning/early afternoon and she was with Mark driving into the city to get some dope, we sent a few messages back and forth and then carried on with our day. Later that evening I messaged her a few times throughout the evening and night with no reply at all, the next morning I sent a few more messages asking if she is ok and same thing...no reply. Late that afternoon she finally replied "sorry I fell asleep on my mother’s couch"...for 1.5 days, without ever looking at your phone?...her phone is her life.

 

When we discussed this she said to me “who cares it was the first month we were dating”???....so it’s open season for the first month or so, wish I had knew…interesting dating mentality.

After this happened we talked about it and she said she wasn't going to hang out with him anymore since that bothered me and really shook the little trust we had time to build in 1 month.

 

 

 

Issue #2:

We had broken up for 1 day (24 hours) and wouldn't you know it that very day Mark "accidentally" called her and then they ended up going into the city to get dope; this is what she had told me.

About one month later there is a knock on her door while i was there so I answered and it was Mark, this is just one more thing I find extremely odd with a mid 30's man coming to the door...when I answered he literally could/would not look at me or introduce himself (guilt?) he kept his head down the entire time and asked for her...maybe I am old school but wtf??? I call Tina from downstairs and tell her friend Mark is here to see her, she comes upstairs and grabs a bag of clothes from the rail along the stairs to give back to him, she also doesn't introduce me to Mark and literally goes outside to talk to him one on one while making sure to close the door behind her....hmm. after they finished they're private conversation I asked why she had a bag of his clothes at her house that she gave him and she told me that that after they got dope she took him to WINNERS where he bought a shirt and changed into it in the car and leaving his old shirt in the bag in her car, he lives on the same street as her and knew he would be bye at some point to get it...no idea why she would bring it in the house and not just leave it in the car for when he came? After arguing about this a few times she also eventually added that her best girlfriend was with them so not to worry...lmao, her best girlfriend is a total alcoholic/dope head train wreck...didn't help!

 

Issue#3:

As I wrote earlier Mark just happens to live on her street about a five minute walk away...

I am lying in bed with her one afternoon at her house then get up to go to work while she stays in bed and as I get to the top of the stairs to the door I notice a guy across the street looking straight at her house and acting funny...pacing back and forth, started coming across the road into her driveway and then went back across the street and kept watching...he didn't know I was watching him. I opened the door and walked out and as soon as I did he immediately turned and started to walk back to his house down the street, I was obviously curious so jumped in my car and followed him right back to his place so that I could be sure it was Mark and of course it was...SURPRISE!...guess my car in the driveway through him off a little and got in the way of whatever he was there to do; your guess is as good as mine. I wish my car had not been there and I could have just waited to see if he just walks in or knocks or what?

I went back to her house right after, woke her up and told her and she said she had no idea and that I was crazy...lol. In all fairness she didn't see him to know who it was but to think I made that all up even after following him home...who's crazy?

 

* she tells me the only time he has ever been to her house was a few years ago when she invited him and never again after that, now that she has a boyfriend I find him creeping outside her house obviously to see her had I not been there but he has only ever been to her house once years ago….hmmm?

* I had asked many times for his number or address and she would not give it to me until months later when she gives me his home phone number where he lives with his dad, kids and wife, she said he has no cell phone.

* Facebook is also her world and he is on it as well, yet for some reason they are not friends on Fb which I personally find odd. ..I’m going to guess jealous wife?

 

Issue #4:

Before I start…

In all fairness to her at this point we had broken up and gotten back together again several times and things hadn’t been looking great for a while. In fairness to me I still hadn’t the opportunity to ask this guy anything about what the **** he was doing creeping her house, not to mention if you’re just a friend why can’t you come say hi while I’m there; am I getting in the way of something?

 

So…

Just recently her son had his first day of kindergarten that we all went together to in the morning. As soon as we pull up I see Mark with his wife and kids and I ask her is that Mark? She tells me yes and that his kids go to this new school as also. So I asked if she didn’t think it would be a good idea to tell me beforehand especially being I’ve never seen him since, she replied that because we had been broke up recently she didn’t know if I would be there that day. To me I thought was ridiculous, I would have still gone either way obviously but I would have mentally prepared myself to not mess up her sons first day. We walked up and he said hi to her and then after maybe a minute or so he said hi to me and put his hand out to shake and I just looked at him and told him I have nothing to say to him right now (knowing if I get going on the past I’ll lose control and he will too). He acted like he had no idea so ii just said dude you’re out creeping my ladies place and the time you did come to the door why couldn’t you introduce yourself or look at me?, he denied he was out front even after telling him I followed him home…lol and had no answer for the other question. Not much happened after that, what I was bothered by is that she didn’t tell me ahead of time and then when it happened she was mad at me but no issues with him…I was sort of hoping shed have my back and say something like “well Mark had you not creeped my house”.

I also found it odd that neither his wife or her made any effort to say hello to each other whatsoever on the kids first day, his wife walked away as we walked up to them…just thought its worth a mention.

 

After 2+ years I’ve been trying to get this m.f. out of my mind with absolutely no resolution/explanation to the past events and be able to trust her that nothing has happened through all the b.s. I wrote above…

Maybe I’m wrong and I didn’t expect her to freak out and lose it on him, jut to have my back and not leave me feeling the fool.

 

Summary…

It’s a very sad situation as we both do love each other but to be fair to her I will never trust that there isn’t more to the story with Mark, too many odd incidents that just don’t add up so knowing myself this will always be in my head and not allow me to feel safe enough to give all of myself to her.

I don’t want to influence opinions too much but my best guess is that she didn’t realise until a bit too late that she loved me and wanted to be with only me until after some stuff had happened. I think she thought she could trust her friend Mark to stay away and respect her relationship as she told me all her friends do.

 

In fairness to her I have also made my mistakes in our relationship although much later into it after I got to the point that I wasn’t taking our relationship seriously anymore due to what I wrote plus lots of other stuff that has happened; that doesn’t make what I’ve done right in any way but I did try to explain I treat all people the way I am treated and none of it would have happened had I not felt I’d been done wrong.

 

Opinions appreciated!

[kendahke]

Stay in your lane and date women closer to your age.

 

She's not settled down enough for you to feel comfortable. She's at a different stage in her life than you are. Accept that and act accordingly.

[heavenonearth]

dope?

what kind of dope?

around a child?

frequently?

 

i don't know, man. it seems you are way too anxious in this relationship, and this mark guy is really creepy. i would not want to be in such a anxiety-ridden relationship. if i were you, i'd end it. she seems to be lying her mouth fuzzy.

[Highndry]

They've slept together. I'd ditch this one. Of course "dope" and all that other baggage isn't my style.

[coolheadal]

Stay in your lane and date women closer to your age.

 

She's not settled down enough for you to feel comfortable. She's at a different stage in her life than you are. Accept that and act accordingly.

 

What does it always have to be the age factor. It could what she has started up again has cause the guy Mark to hang out thinking he can have her again. The OP will never trust her again. I have to hand it to him his keen eye has make things a bit different for him.

 

He can day younger he can date older. Men will date who they want we can't say otherwise. I date the same way he does. It's what you want.

[Cobra_X]

Issue #1:

During the first month of us "going steady" she had messaged me one late morning/early afternoon and she was with Mark driving into the city to get some dope, we sent a few messages back and forth and then carried on with our day. Later that evening I messaged her a few times throughout the evening and night with no reply at all, the next morning I sent a few more messages asking if she is ok and same thing...no reply. Late that afternoon she finally replied "sorry I fell asleep on my mother’s couch"...for 1.5 days, without ever looking at your phone?...her phone is her life.

When we discussed this she said to me “who cares it was the first month we were dating”???....so it’s open season for the first month or so, wish I had knew…interesting dating mentality.

 

I assume by dope you mean THC.

 

Drugs and sex go together. If they are getting high together it means they are having sex. Her dismissive attitude for you is very telling. The fact that she is homewrecking this married guys family at the same time cheating on you. She is a piece of crap.

 

I have to ask. Are you providing her anything financially?

 

My advice to you is this... Document her use of drugs and call child protective services. Then dump her. This isn't an age thing... this woman isn't immature she is a piece of sh*t with no morals. That won't change just by getting older.

[kendahke]

What does it always have to be the age factor. It could what she has started up again has cause the guy Mark to hang out thinking he can have her again. The OP will never trust her again. I have to hand it to him his keen eye has make things a bit different for him.

 

He can day younger he can date older. Men will date who they want we can't say otherwise. I date the same way he does. It's what you want.

 

can you correct your spelling. I can't figure out what you are saying.

[coolheadal]

Listen you knew what you were getting involved with this is some kind of story you have there. I usually don't read these long ones but you got me glued to the screen. Wow! You love this chick but she's likes the bad boy type most women do. I say be bad and good if that's what it takes today. I have a few other options myself and the women I date like that those qualities. You just have to keep on eye on her for now. If you want to stick it out with her. Shes's a keeper and you know why..

[coolheadal]

can you correct your spelling. I can't figure out what you are saying.

 

It's the way I talk today.. I'll say this is his call to date that age group. I have no issue with him that prospect. You think he needs to date 41 year old who would have more common sense. Than the 26 year old. Now do you get it!

[GoneKrazy]

No actually...I didnt know what I was getting into.

[rightondude]

If Mark and her haven't hooked up, I'm pretty damn sure he would be all for it if she asked.

 

I don't think dope (assuming it's just weed) automatically equals sex after. But, the fact that she and this married father risk, on some regularity, imprisonment, is a red flag I wouldn't just mention casually.

 

I really don't think the 1st day of school was the time and place to have that conversation.

 

Every time you've asked her a question she lies and then adds another detail to explain away the situation. "Well he asked me ONCE to sleep with him" ... "well my friend was here" ... whatever. Don't fall for the multi-stage lie.

 

I can tell you care for this girl greatly but it just doesn't sound like she's being 100% (or even 50%) honest with you. You'll never get over that. She's not going to just flip a switch and all of a sudden become trustworthy and always truthful. Maybe just maybe she'll realize after a long extended break, and some age, that she missed out on a guy who had her and her kid's best interests in mind, but that would ONLY come after she felt the repercussions.

 

You can't save her.

Edited October 17, 2017 by rightondude