Feeling disappointed but not sure if it's worth creating an issue over it?

[Gaeta]

Last Thursday was my 52th birthday. It's not a special number so I didn't expect anything grandiose but a little acknowledgment would have been nice.

 

Thursday morning I got a 'happy birthday' phone call from bf and he said he'd try to leave work/school early to be with me. He thought he could get away around 9 pm but turned out he had to stay later and he got at my place at 11pm*. I still appreciated the gesture.

 

The weekend went by and he was busy shopping for new tools pretty much all weekend and he needed to finish some home projects he had at his place so I only saw him last night for dinner and he stayed over.

 

Before falling asleep my mind went wondering on different things and I realized I didn't get a card or anything from him. Even $10 flowers from grocery store next door would have been nice. I remembered last year on my 51th he got me a nice present all wrapped up fancy and a card.

 

So I am a bit disappointed. Should I say something? Is this really a battle worth fighting? If I don't say anything will that become the norm? I am not hurt or anything but a bit disappointed and puzzled.

[d0nnivain]

Yes you should say something during a quiet moment. Just express sadness & disappointment. Don't accuse or go nuts. Tell him not to do anything now after the fact but perhaps talk about your expectations for Christmas.

 

Men aren't mind readers & they don't always acknowledge events like birthdays the way women do. So sometimes you have to educate them.

 

Happy Belated birthday.

[amaysngrace]

He doesn't sound very wonderful if he doesn't make your Special Day anything special.

 

I'd say something if you really like him a lot but if you don't like him all that much then now you know why.

[Gaeta]

The weekend before we went on a get-away weekend. It's a weekend we shared the cost and it's something I organized. I remember him saying: Oh that's nice it falls on your birthday!

 

I wonder if he thinks that was his part to my birthday!

[Rockdad]

It doesn't have to be an issue. I appreciated when my wife expressed her sadness and disappointment when I blew her birthday some years ago. For one, once she did tell me I was glad she was not carrying that disappointment by herself anymore. Second I made dang sure I never did it again.

[amaysngrace]

The weekend before we went on a get-away weekend. It's a weekend we shared the cost and it's something I organized. I remember him saying: Oh that's nice it falls on your birthday!

 

So he was well aware that it was your birthday? Yeah I'm not buying that men are inconsiderate thing.

 

Being thoughtful knows no gender.

[d0nnivain]

The weekend before we went on a get-away weekend. It's a weekend we shared the cost and it's something I organized. I remember him saying: Oh that's nice it falls on your birthday!

 

I wonder if he thinks that was his part to my birthday!

 

Making that trip an early celebration would have been OK if there had been a card, a cake . . . even a toast when you went out to dinner.

[heavenonearth]

I would be pretty disappointed, too!

I think you deserve to get this off your chest.

If you can't talk about your sadness or disappointment, then what's the point of having a partner?

Surely he will understand if you approach it sensibly, send "I feel"-messages "I feel disappointed, I feel sad, this makes me feel so and so...") and don't be accusing.

[Gaeta]

So he was well aware that it was your birthday? Yeah I'm not buying that men are inconsiderate thing.

 

My bf is considerate, loving, affectionate, respectful of me every day of the year. We are both in our 50s, been dating 2 years, he's not someone I 'like' the way you described it in your previous post. This is someone I am in love with and intent of spending the rest of my life with. Please do not address me and my relationship like we are 20 years old kids.

[Gaeta]

I would be pretty disappointed, too!

I think you deserve to get this off your chest.

If you can't talk about your sadness or disappointment, then what's the point of having a partner?

Surely he will understand if you approach it sensibly, send "I feel"-messages "I feel disappointed, I feel sad, this makes me feel so and so...") and don't be accusing.

 

Yes it sounds like it's the best thing to do.

 

I have a problem with being diplomatic. I am sure you've noticed I can come across as being a bit forward and abrasive sometimes.

[clia]

If you are disappointed, you should say something. Maybe he just doesn't think birthdays are a big deal? At any rate, you need to get to the reason why he chose not to do anything.

 

Personally, I would be incredibly hurt if my boyfriend didn't at least get me a card or do something special for me. I get that he had some things to do over the weekend, but I can't see why he couldn't have brought you some flowers over last night or planned some way to celebrate your birthday.

[Gaeta]

If you are disappointed, you should say something. Maybe he just doesn't think birthdays are a big deal? At any rate, you need to get to the reason why he chose not to do anything.

 

Personally, I would be incredibly hurt if my boyfriend didn't at least get me a card or do something special for me. I get that he had some things to do over the weekend, but I can't see why he couldn't have brought you some flowers over last night or planned some way to celebrate your birthday.

 

I don't feel hurt because I get a lot of special attention all the time.

 

A couple of weeks ago my friend asked me what I expected from my bf for my birthday and I replied: Since I met him every day is my birthday so I don't need much. Ironic I said that lol.

[No_Go]

Happy birthday! (a bit late but still )

 

What is concerning IMO is that last year he acknowledged your birthday with gift, card etc, and this year - he didn't. It could be that he thought the trip was the celebration, or maybe he got very busy and it slipped off his mind? Do you see any other changes in his behavior?

 

I think it won't hurt mentioning in non-accusatory way, basically more like information seeking than anything. Didn't he say before he's not into celebrating special occasions like birthdays or Christmas?

 

Whether it is a real issue or not depends on the context IMO.

[d0nnivain]

A couple of weeks ago my friend asked me what I expected from my bf for my birthday and I replied: Since I met him every day is my birthday so I don't need much. Ironic I said that lol.

 

Ahhhhh

 

So if you want more then just him in your life for the next holiday you need to speak up. Saying I want a card does not make you a demanding materialistic B1tch. Even saying I want earrings or whatever you want is allowed as long as it's within budget.

[No_Go]

Maybe it is a personal thing but at least for me if I need to request a gift/card/whatever, it is meaningless to me. It just loses the kind gesture vibe and I won't even enjoy it anymore.

 

But maybe it is cultural because here I see women even requesting engagement rings which for me is outrageous (makes it absolutely meaningless 'gift')

 

 

Ahhhhh

 

So if you want more then just him in your life for the next holiday you need to speak up. Saying I want a card does not make you a demanding materialistic B1tch. Even saying I want earrings or whatever you want is allowed as long as it's within budget.

[Art_Critic]

Making that trip an early celebration would have been OK if there had been a card, a cake . . . even a toast when you went out to dinner.

 

or if she hadn't paid her half

 

A card is easy peasy.. I'd ask him to find out why he thought a b-day without a card or dinner would be appropriate, maybe getting an answer from his side will make sense.

[clia]

I don't feel hurt because I get a lot of special attention all the time.

 

A couple of weeks ago my friend asked me what I expected from my bf for my birthday and I replied: Since I met him every day is my birthday so I don't need much. Ironic I said that lol.

 

Then why are you disappointed?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Maybe he just doesn't care much for birthdays...first year he was trying to make an effort..now he is just being himself.

[Gaeta]

Happy birthday! (a bit late but still )

 

What is concerning IMO is that last year he acknowledged your birthday with gift, card etc, and this year - he didn't. It could be that he thought the trip was the celebration, or maybe he got very busy and it slipped off his mind? Do you see any other changes in his behavior?

 

I think it won't hurt mentioning in non-accusatory way, basically more like information seeking than anything. Didn't he say before he's not into celebrating special occasions like birthdays or Christmas?

 

Whether it is a real issue or not depends on the context IMO.

 

Thanks for the wishes!

 

No I don't see or feel any changes from him.He's still a restless romantic man. Yes last year Xmas had been a real big issue between us. He doesn't celebrate the holidays at all. It created a big bump I had to jump over but I did and I'm at peace with it now. He spent Xmas day curled up in a ball on his own but he at least participated to every family dinners between Xmas and NYE.

 

I won't see him for a few days. He always calls me around 15h30. I wonder if it's something I can address over the phone?

[No_Go]

Yeah, I think phone is ok. Better get it off your chest so you don't get resentful and also it is good to mention this while it is still fresh.

 

Thanks for the wishes!

 

No I don't see or feel any changes from him.He's still a restless romantic man. Yes last year Xmas had been a real big issue between us. He doesn't celebrate the holidays at all. It created a big bump I had to jump over but I did and I'm at peace with it now. He spent Xmas day curled up in a ball on his own but he at least participated to every family dinners between Xmas and NYE.

 

I won't see him for a few days. He always calls me around 15h30. I wonder if it's something I can address over the phone?

[Gaeta]

Then why are you disappointed?

 

I think part of it is from social pressure?

 

This morning first thing receptionist asked me when I got to my office was what my bf got me for my birthday. Today everyone is gonna ask me how special was my birthday was : my mom, friends, colleagues, etc.

[Gaeta]

Maybe he just doesn't care much for birthdays...first year he was trying to make an effort..now he is just being himself.

 

Yes, I think it's the most probable answer.

[SunnyWeather]

I feel for you Gaeta. I have a similar issue with my BF, there's a long thread about this topic by me somewhere...

 

I have talked with him about it, more than once. He's now more conscious about these special days and at least gets me a card, but it feels forced. I'm used to being thoughtful about buying gifts, remembering something he said about needing or liking, and getting that for him. This last b'day I pulled way back to match him. He was very appreciative, but knew that I am not going to be so over the top anymore for holidays and b'days...

 

I've just concluded that my guy is really great in so many other ways that I'm not going to hold this issue too tightly.

[BluEyeL]

No man is perfect and all disappoint one way or another. As we do too, we aren't perfect either. Because it matters to you, you have to tell him what you want. Tell him it is very important to you that he acknowledges events like birthdays etc every year. Even if it doesn't come from him spontaneously if he listens to what's important to you it'll matter.

 

Some men are like that. Agreed that as time passes he'll make less and less effort in all matters romantic , for lack of a better term. He'll still love you but probably yo got him the impression that you are low maintenance and he feels secure enough to not make an effort with something that doesn't come naturally to him.

 

What are your long term plans? Will you move in together?

[Gaeta]

What are your long term plans? Will you move in together?

 

Eventually we want to live together and even start a business together but nothing in the immediate as he needs his permanent residency he'll get in 2018.