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Girlfriends friends obsessed with men


Mjm1014

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I've had this happen twice in my life with two seperate women, and I'm curious how I should proceed...

 

So I've known this girl only a few weeks (met on bumble)...dates have gone amazing, she posts tons of pictures of us on Facebook and we almost seem like a couple. We are both 30. She seems to genuine like me. She promises she isn't the type to randomly hook up with men but constantly puts down her friends that do.

 

One problem I'm struggling with is the fact that all her friends are in their early/mid 20's...her friends love to hook up with random men every single night at the bar... Since day one she's told me countless stories about them and how they hook up with a new guy every night.

 

The girl I'm starting to date texted me that her friend and her are going out to a bar tonight, and her friend invited a bunch of men to join them. She was almost bragging how all these men were coming out to meet them, and she was sending me provocative snap chat pictures asking if she looked okay before she went out. I'm not going to lie, I got jealous and basically stopped talking to her tonight..

 

I just don't get it...why brag about it to me and why would she even send me pics of how she looked? It's like she wants me to validate her before she goes and meets all these men.

 

------

 

I dated a girl like this in the past that claimed that she was "in love with me" and "all about me" but she would do the same thing....only to find out she was all over these guys when she went out with her friends...

 

Should I end it? It's like every other night she goes out with these girls that are only looking to hook up with guys

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She was testing you and, of course, you failed.

 

You should have replied "you look gorgeous! Have fun for us both!"

 

She would have been texting you back all night long while she was there and probably came over to spend the night at your place later that night.

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Give an example of bragging

 

I dated a girl like this in the past that claimed that she was "in love with me" and "all about me" but she would do the same thing....only to find out she was all over these guys when she went out with her friends...

 

So, that girl is this girl. They're not two completely different people. That's pretty much what you are saying.

 

You got triggered on some ex stuff that should have been emotionally sorted before you got back into the dating pool.

Edited by kendahke
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She was testing you and, of course, you failed.

 

You should have replied "you look gorgeous! Have fun for us both!"

 

She would have been texting you back all night long while she was there and probably came over to spend the night at your place later that night.

 

I don't know if I could have done that. Especially since the dating relationship has progressed to where they appeared to be a couple.

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I've had this happen twice in my life with two seperate women, and I'm curious how I should proceed...

 

So I've known this girl only a few weeks (met on bumble)...dates have gone amazing, she posts tons of pictures of us on Facebook and we almost seem like a couple. We are both 30. She seems to genuine like me. She promises she isn't the type to randomly hook up with men but constantly puts down her friends that do.

 

One problem I'm struggling with is the fact that all her friends are in their early/mid 20's...her friends love to hook up with random men every single night at the bar... Since day one she's told me countless stories about them and how they hook up with a new guy every night.

 

The girl I'm starting to date texted me that her friend and her are going out to a bar tonight, and her friend invited a bunch of men to join them. She was almost bragging how all these men were coming out to meet them, and she was sending me provocative snap chat pictures asking if she looked okay before she went out. I'm not going to lie, I got jealous and basically stopped talking to her tonight..

 

I just don't get it...why brag about it to me and why would she even send me pics of how she looked? It's like she wants me to validate her before she goes and meets all these men.

 

------

 

I dated a girl like this in the past that claimed that she was "in love with me" and "all about me" but she would do the same thing....only to find out she was all over these guys when she went out with her friends...

 

Should I end it? It's like every other night she goes out with these girls that are only looking to hook up with guys

 

Just have to go with the flow, my boy! Can't take it to heart because her secret is out! Shh! SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE PLEASES! Play her game and see if you win a prize (meaning her) you failed (because you didn't know that telling her she look fantastic! would have win you her!)

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This is how you described her:

I've known this girl only a few weeks
Not: My girlfriend. We've had the talk about where we see this relationship going.

 

She's a chick you met on a dating app less than a month ago with whom you've gone out on a couple of successful dates. That's it. She's not your girlfriend yet. You haven't been talking a good month if it's only a few weeks.

 

she posts tons of pictures of us on Facebook and we almost seem like a couple.

 

The operative words in that sentence are almost and seem.

 

You're buying into a facade. A couple of pictures on facebook is really meaningless, considering how people friend people they don't even know in person on there. If you two haven't had that talk, then you're really not a couple.

 

You can't see past your ex, which means you're not ready to be in a new relationship.

 

Unrealistic expectations are the fertilizer for future resentments.

 

The whole punishing her with the silent treatment is going to backfire on you, unless your aim is to stop dating her. If that's what this exercise is about, then congrats--you'll have achieved your aim.

Edited by kendahke
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I don't know if I could have done that. Especially since the dating relationship has progressed to where they appeared to be a couple.

 

 

I can tell you that you really want to practice at learning to do so if you like dating women.

 

She may have skipped the entry level test of "hold my purse" and went right to this one. Here she has a new guy she is dating and they have been having a great time. She now wants to know if he is the real deal or if he has been faking coolness for the past few weeks. She has girlfriends that like to hang around gangs of men and she likes hanging around her girlfriends. Is the OP going to be the whiny, jealous, temper tantrum-throwing type of guy if she becomes exclusive with him or is he going to be the laid back kind of guy that lights up a cigar, pour a glass of scotch and then kiss her on the cheek when she announces she that she is about to go on a girls night out. Lord knows it was hell getting the last couple of sulky, jealous boyfriends out of her life when they couldn't handle girls night out. They lacked confidence and showed all sorts of insecurity but not this guy.

 

Generally, the guy your woman wants to bang won't be texted to you or announced. It will be the guy you never hear about or hear very little about. She won't be texting selfies with him to you or anything.

 

Also trying to punish women for tests doesn't really work out well since most of the time they are subconscious but they are very similar. This sort of thing you are dealing with is bread and butter testing. She probably won't realize why you are giving her the cold shoulder and will just think that you are acting funny and your moody colors are starting to show.

Edited by Mike B.
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Or would of told her to have fun and you were on your way out also.

if she asked what you were doing?

"hanging with an old friend" hahaha

 

when you have a woman chit-testing you, you gotta turn it back on her.

 

you should have more than one woman on the line still and should just be having fun with this chick.

 

Oh and FYI, in my experience a woman who is friends with loose women and constantly tells you about her friends and how many guys they hook up is usually 3x worse than her friends.

 

because let's be honest, if she was a classy broad she wouldn't be hanging around with a bunch of floozy's.

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if she was a classy broad she wouldn't be hanging around with a bunch of floozy's.

 

And there we have it, folks.

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Or would of told her to have fun and you were on your way out also.

if she asked what you were doing?

"hanging with an old friend" hahaha

 

when you have a woman chit-testing you, you gotta turn it back on her.

 

you should have more than one woman on the line still and should just be having fun with this chick.

 

Oh and FYI, in my experience a woman who is friends with loose women and constantly tells you about her friends and how many guys they hook up is usually 3x worse than her friends.

 

because let's be honest, if she was a classy broad she wouldn't be hanging around with a bunch of floozy's.

 

 

Hey, a long time ago, didn't you used to have a user photo with a cartoonish man with a chain on it's leg that was broken? I always liked that photo.

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MajesticUnicorn

I mean, unless you’ve had a discussion about where your relationship is going, you’re not seeing other people, etc. then this girl can do whatever she wants.

 

Personally I don’t see it as a crime that she is going out and men will be there. She would probably rather end the night with you if she’s as into you as you say, and she sent you a Snapchat looking for your validation.

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Cookiesandough

I don't get the responses. You're acting very jealous. Her friends are not her. She doesn't have to hookup with these guys just because her friends are. She can wear cute clothes when she goes out. You're a step away from being one of those super controlling dudes and that's not attractive. Youve only known this girl a couple weeks too. Chill out and find some security

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I don't get the responses. You're acting very jealous. Her friends are not her. She doesn't have to hookup with these guys just because her friends are. She can wear cute clothes when she goes out. You're a step away from being one of those super controlling dudes and that's not attractive. Youve only known this girl a couple weeks too. Chill out and find some security

 

Personally I would dump a guy if all he did was talk about his young 20yo partying friends who hook up every night. I mean, how tedious. Why talk about it? And to then say he is going out to bars with said friends. Of course it is inappropriate and would raise suspicions. These type of "tests" are immature and pathetic. Also, a few weeks of dating may not be long but, I would be well and truly put off if I was in OPs shoes.

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I can tell you that you really want to practice at learning to do so if you like dating women.

 

She may have skipped the entry level test of "hold my purse" and went right to this one. Here she has a new guy she is dating and they have been having a great time. She now wants to know if he is the real deal or if he has been faking coolness for the past few weeks. She has girlfriends that like to hang around gangs of men and she likes hanging around her girlfriends. Is the OP going to be the whiny, jealous, temper tantrum-throwing type of guy if she becomes exclusive with him or is he going to be the laid back kind of guy that lights up a cigar, pour a glass of scotch and then kiss her on the cheek when she announces she that she is about to go on a girls night out. Lord knows it was hell getting the last couple of sulky, jealous boyfriends out of her life when they couldn't handle girls night out. They lacked confidence and showed all sorts of insecurity but not this guy.

 

Generally, the guy your woman wants to bang won't be texted to you or announced. It will be the guy you never hear about or hear very little about. She won't be texting selfies with him to you or anything.

 

Also trying to punish women for tests doesn't really work out well since most of the time they are subconscious but they are very similar. This sort of thing you are dealing with is bread and butter testing. She probably won't realize why you are giving her the cold shoulder and will just think that you are acting funny and your moody colors are starting to show.

 

Well I get it that there is a "game" going on here. However, if it's not in your blood to play with games of your own, you're better off to think for yourself and not use other game-players as role models.

 

"Better learn" isn't good advice for everyone, and it's humorous that you'd suggest that to me, not knowing anything about who I am or my own success doing things differently than yourself. I've done well in all the years of dating, and I'm actually engaged to a woman who is gorgeous, and says one of the things she's always been attracted to is my confidence and blunt honesty. I can tell you that every woman that played a game with me, I just cut them off. Stopped answering calls, texts, and the ones who were interested, pursued me wanting to know what they did wrong. And being the anti-social blunt man that I am, I called a spade a spade and said, "you're wasting my time."

 

And that's what all these f'n dating games are to all of us non-gaming "real people" - a waste of time.

 

I think in this case, with the original poster, this girl IS playing a game that sends mixed messages, and it certainly doesn't build trust. Why, if you're interested and attracted to a person, would you doll all up, and then communicate with texts and pictures implying that you're planning on going out to the clubs (without them) intending to pick up men and then ask for compliments on how good you look? In my book, that's a mean thing to do to someone you have sent the message that you're interested in a relationship, and to all appearances, you're behaving like couple. So this guy has every right to be confused, I certainly would be and if it were me in his shoes, I'd would be annoyed, hurt, and also would probably communicate that I must have misinterpreted our time together as being more than it was.

 

It's a waste of time playing emotional mind games, it's a bait and switch. You're either in, or you're out. This poster needs to be strong, and not be some puppy dog - complimenting her is doing exactly that.

 

My advice is to do the exact opposite of what you're suggesting.

Edited by morrowrd
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I don't think it is a game at all.

She is who she is, a 30 yo woman whose social life consists of a gaggle of gfs who meet up in bars to meet and hook up with men.

You can tell a lot about a person by who they hang about with.

 

She is obviously not the stay at home type nor is she someone who meets up with her gfs in cafes, bistros and wine bars to put the world to rights or to organise their next hiking trip or to just have a good gossip...

 

She is a party girl and you either accept that or you walk away.

You should not try to change her as one or both of you will end up miserable.

Find a girl whose idea of fun is not flirting with loads of men in bars.

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I think I'm in the minority that I find her behavior rather immature. It seems like game playing as she made a huge point to let you know there would be a "ton" of men coming along with them or meeting up with them, and the other women love to flirt and hook up, and then proceeds to send pictures of herself in sexy attire, in an innocent, "How do I look, honey?" I can't say that my reaction would be any different if my guy did this or I knew he was hitting the bars, chatting it up with women while his friends were on the prowl to flirt and get laid.

 

There is an element of honesty here, though, in letting you know about "all these guys," presumably men she's not interested in hooking up with, so that she's transparent and not trying to hide anything. To find out about something like this later, and it was all hush-hush, one would question why the secrecy.

 

On that, you are going out with a party girl. She likes to go to bars with her friends (sounds like almost nightly?), and whether or not she is flirting and touching guys, her friends are there for a purpose, so of course there is question about what she's up to in this environment. She may not go home with anyone, but there's question. Basically there's no trust...and you haven't really gone out long enough or determined to be exclusive, so it just hasn't been built yet.

 

You've known her a short time, and you don't get a say on whether she hooks up or sees other people or how she wishes to spend her time. If her lifestyle is not in agreement with yours, perhaps you two just aren't a match. She's still in this phase of life, and maybe she always will be, and you'll have to have trust in her if she likes to go out and party if this relationship progresses. If she's not ready to settle down and this is what she likes to do, you are free to move on to someone who is more in line with your lifestyle and doesn't enjoy the bar scene anymore, or at least with such frequency. If she just enjoys getting out and dancing, I'm not sure there's any other place to go where there isn't going to be that element of a meat market.

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I would have texted the reply: "you look great, have fun tonight!", silenced my phone and either broke it off the next day or demoted her to a hookup. The testing is immature, as is being a flirty club girl in your thirties. Are you going to build a relationship at this point in your life with a woman who isnt interested in settling down but would rather go clubbing with her slutty friends? There are plenty of women your age that act their age and don't play games, don't settle for this 18 year old in a 30 year olds body.

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On some level she may have been trying to be transparent -- telling you where she was going & what she was doing.

 

Just because her friends were trying to hook up doesn't mean she was.

 

You are a relatively new guy she met recently. She has been going out with her friends for a long time, way longer then you have been in her life. That is not the easiest pattern to break.

 

Since it was a public bar what was stopping you & your guys from going there? When I was single even if I didn't have the guts or maybe the brains to ask my new guy to join us, I only told a guy where I'd be if I wanted him to show up. It's an easy way to introduce the new guy to all the girls; it shows effort on the guy's part (which I translated to caring); and it gave me all the fun of hooking up but with the safety of the guy. In that sense you failed the test.

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Personally I would dump a guy if all he did was talk about his young 20yo partying friends who hook up every night. I mean, how tedious. Why talk about it? And to then say he is going out to bars with said friends. Of course it is inappropriate and would raise suspicions. These type of "tests" are immature and pathetic. Also, a few weeks of dating may not be long but, I would be well and truly put off if I was in OPs shoes.

 

At last , some reality, yep.

l'd like to see how together she or any girl would be if it was him dressing up and going out like that bragging about all the girls that are coming and how all his mates are picking up and screwing all these girls every night.

Never known a women yet would be putting up with that sitting down.

Edited by Chilli
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The part I don't get is why the OP wouldn't just go to the bar / club with his GF?

 

I was a party girl in my 20s & so were my friends. I don't mean I slept with every guy I flirted with in a bar or every guy I danced with but were out there all the time Wednesday through Sunday. When we got new BFs we'd just blend them into the group. To us it was easier having guys around because somebody else's guy was often helpful in getting rid of unwanted guys who weren't taking the hints.

 

Plus I would have no respect for some guy who dropped his buddies just to date me. You need balance -- some romance & some friends.

 

This idea that once you start dating you have to ignore your friends or pick different places to socialize makes zero sense to me. I really don't get why people think it's one or the other.

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One problem I'm struggling with is the fact that all her friends are in their early/mid 20's...her friends love to hook up with random men every single night at the bar... Since day one she's told me countless stories about them and how they hook up with a new guy every night.

Any idea if she's always been this way? 30 is kind of old to be carrying on like this. I'm wondering if she had a latent period due to life circumstances, or if she's hanging w/ these younger gals b/c her old buddies aged out of the lifestyle. They could be coworkers too, hmm...

 

Regardless. Whatever you make of the attention-seeking behavior, her trying to rope you into it doesn't sit well with me. Did you have plans of your own that evening?

 

*EDIT* reread and it's worse than I thought. Totally missed the part where her friend invited a bunch of guys to hang out with the two of them and she couldn't see clear to invite you. An invite is her prerogative of course, but for her to go into detail about her plans coupled with the snapchats, eww. Tacky, rude, childish. She better be a total smokeshow or I'm side-eyeing you OP. :laugh: Shoot, even if she is, you can do better than this!

Edited by lovephule
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Well I get it that there is a "game" going on here. However, if it's not in your blood to play with games of your own, you're better off to think for yourself and not use other game-players as role models.

 

"Better learn" isn't good advice for everyone, and it's humorous that you'd suggest that to me, not knowing anything about who I am or my own success doing things differently than yourself. I've done well in all the years of dating, and I'm actually engaged to a woman who is gorgeous, and says one of the things she's always been attracted to is my confidence and blunt honesty. I can tell you that every woman that played a game with me, I just cut them off. Stopped answering calls, texts, and the ones who were interested, pursued me wanting to know what they did wrong. And being the anti-social blunt man that I am, I called a spade a spade and said, "you're wasting my time."

 

And that's what all these f'n dating games are to all of us non-gaming "real people" - a waste of time.

 

I think in this case, with the original poster, this girl IS playing a game that sends mixed messages, and it certainly doesn't build trust. Why, if you're interested and attracted to a person, would you doll all up, and then communicate with texts and pictures implying that you're planning on going out to the clubs (without them) intending to pick up men and then ask for compliments on how good you look? In my book, that's a mean thing to do to someone you have sent the message that you're interested in a relationship, and to all appearances, you're behaving like couple. So this guy has every right to be confused, I certainly would be and if it were me in his shoes, I'd would be annoyed, hurt, and also would probably communicate that I must have misinterpreted our time together as being more than it was.

 

It's a waste of time playing emotional mind games, it's a bait and switch. You're either in, or you're out. This poster needs to be strong, and not be some puppy dog - complimenting her is doing exactly that.

 

My advice is to do the exact opposite of what you're suggesting.

 

 

Relax, man. You really misinterpreted my post.

 

First, the phrase "better get used to it" doesn't suggest a level of experience with any thing. It is just a phrase that suggests the way things are or how they will be. You are from the States so I am sure you've heard it before. For example, someone moves to a big city such as NY and says "I hate driving in heavy traffic each day" and you reply "well, better get used to it." Now, are you suggesting to that driver that he has no experience in navigating heavy traffic?" Of course not. That would be a silly assumption. The driver wouldn't even think that you were suggesting that but when you are on a dating forum you become more sensitive to everyday relatively meaningless expressions. So you have a really hot woman at home. Ok. Now what?

 

 

Second, my suggestion to say "you look gorgeous! Have fun for us both" really wasn't a comment for her as much as a thinly veiled shot back at her to call her out on what she was doing. She would have gotten the message. She was expecting the OP to get insecure, jealous and whiny like a lot of men would. Instead, he would have given her the exact opposite response of what she was expecting. The message would have been clear: These tests will not work on me. Once she receives enough of these messages, the tests will become very few and far between.

 

 

So often here we immediately advise posters to "dump her." If we always dump women who challenges us, how can we ever improve ourselves with navigating tough relationships and tough relationship issues? The OP said that he and this woman have been dating for weeks and things have been going well but we are already ready to throw in the towel? It is not a waste of your time if you are learning to deal with relationship issues and having fun along the way. It's more of a waste of your time to always run away. The OP sounds like he is mostly having fun with this woman. Have a great time!

 

He is not marrying the woman. If you are looking for a wife and she can't be that then move on and find your wife but if she is otherwise enjoyable to be with just enjoy your dating life with her for now. I can say this with a very high level of certainty. The tests, or "games" as you would call them, are not going anywhere in the dating scene. I saw then in my 20s and I see them up into the late 40s. They become less rampant in later ages but they still pop up no matter where you meet the person. Not all persons run them but most do on some level and they are harmless most of the time, especially if you have your emotions in check.

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