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"I'll let you know" - arranging 2nd date


marjohnee

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After a first date that went really well and during which he hinted at a second date (asking when I would be free, talking about "next time..."), I texted him yesterday (he had sent a nice message directly after the date) and we chatted for a bit. We talked about our plans for today and he suggested that if he found the time, we could meet up in the evening. I said I would like that (also suggested the day after as an alternative as I wasn't sure if I would be free). He told me, "great, I will let you know", said he had a really good time during our first date, and later went to sleep saying "we'll talk tomorrow".

 

One day later, I haven't heard anything. Normally, had I suggested a second date, I would interpret "I'll let you know" as a sign for me to not wait too long and just make other plans. But I don't really understand the move of suggesting something but being ambiguous with it at the same time. No problem if he's busy or made other arrangements, but I did expect some kind of notification. Would it be 'too much' of me to reach out of him and ask whether we're on or not for tomorrow, at least? Or should I wait for him to message? I tend to invest too much too quickly, and I do think it's on him to message me. However, I would also like to meet him again in the next few days or at least know what's up and don't really like the "let him come to you" game playing.

 

I had been out of the dating world for a while, so I'm kind of at a loss as to how to act and what mistakes to avoid. Any insight would help.

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I'm going through the same drama with someone I went on a date with.

 

The truth is, when a guy really wants to see you, he keeps in touch, he makes concrete plans, and he follows up.

 

I advise you to not contact him again. Ball is in his court. And make other plans. In case he contacts you, you will be "busy" and he will learn he has to make plan beforehand as you're not on his back and call.

 

I hope things turn out well... I know how it feels :(

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Just my experience but any man that was interested in me, made concrete plans to see me at the end of the date...most wanted to see me like the next night. One guy sent a single rose the next day with a note asking me out for dinner....sadly I wasn't into him :(

 

I didn't put much stalk in anyone who kinda made a promise to take me out again. It was onto the next one! :p

Edited by smackie9
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I'm going through the same drama with someone I went on a date with.

 

The truth is, when a guy really wants to see you, he keeps in touch, he makes concrete plans, and he follows up.

 

I advise you to not contact him again. Ball is in his court. And make other plans. In case he contacts you, you will be "busy" and he will learn he has to make plan beforehand as you're not on his back and call.

 

I hope things turn out well... I know how it feels :(

 

Thank you :) It's only been a few days since the first date so I'm not sure whether I'm just overreacting or being impatient.

 

Welcome to the world of dating multi daters.............

I was thinking this, but didn't really want to start reading into or analysing the situation too much at this early stage :confused: I guess after one date it'd be fine for him to do that. Just don't get why it's so hard to let me know what's up.

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mortensorchid

He's not all that interested. Remember, there are rules to how things work in the dating world whether it's OLD or otherwise. There is the 48 Hour Rule - if you have not heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, 90% of the time you will not hear from him again. He might contact you a few days or a week later, you might have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to seeing him again. And 100% of the time you will not hear from him again after that.

 

There is also a debate about texting vs. phone calls. If he is interested in you, he will CALL you not text you. Texting is a passive form of communication and it will not replace the good, old fashioned phone call. If he texts you after the first get together, he will say "I had a good time last night" or along those lines. Don't get excited about it, unfortunately, because he is not that into you. Which this guy is not. The ball is in his court and he should contact you to make further arrangements.

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It's been 2 days for me as well since his post-date text, I'm also going slightly crazy, trying to get distracted by talking with other prospects when all I wanted was to hear from him. But that's how dating is these days unfortunately. We need lots of patience in this "game". It sucks big time.

 

I learned the hard way that in the beginning we are only supposed to mirror what a man does. We don't chase them. We reply when they text, we say yes when they ask for a date if we want to see them again. If you chase him, you might as well say goodbye as you'll turn him off - it's just an unspoken rule in dating, that is, if you're in North America. In my experience, Europeans are more easy going.

 

Thank you :) It's only been a few days since the first date so I'm not sure whether I'm just overreacting or being impatient.
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Did you tell him that you may not be free tonight? If your availability was up in the air, did you text him and let him know that you were in fact free this evening if his own schedule worked out?

 

I realize "tonight" may have passed already.

 

I don't understand agreeing to the evening if you weren't sure you were free. It would make sense to say that you would like to go out, but your own schedule may not allow it, and likewise let him know that you can if it turns out there are no conflicts. You being wishy-washy isn't going to help. You may not have said, "I'll let you know," but being evasive is just as bad and may leave him wondering what your intentions are and if you're interested.

 

I don't think it would be wrong to text and ask if his schedule is still free to meet, as you hadn't heard from him. Or you can wait for him to reach out, and if he doesn't, call it a bust. Either way, if he's not interested, you won't hear from him.

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He's not all that interested. Remember, there are rules to how things work in the dating world whether it's OLD or otherwise. There is the 48 Hour Rule - if you have not heard from him within 48 hours after the first get together, 90% of the time you will not hear from him again. He might contact you a few days or a week later, you might have a second get together with him, but he doesn't really care if you say yes or no to seeing him again. And 100% of the time you will not hear from him again after that.

 

There is also a debate about texting vs. phone calls. If he is interested in you, he will CALL you not text you. Texting is a passive form of communication and it will not replace the good, old fashioned phone call. If he texts you after the first get together, he will say "I had a good time last night" or along those lines. Don't get excited about it, unfortunately, because he is not that into you. Which this guy is not. The ball is in his court and he should contact you to make further arrangements.

Thanks for the insight. That makes sense, but I'd understand it more if there hadn't been much contact from his side. He started texting me minutes after the date when he was still on his way home, saying it was nice (twice) etc. And then suggesting a second date several times (on the night and in the text conversation),. I guess that true interest would look a little different (eg. what you said about calling; or suggesting something concrete), but I don't get why, if you're not really interested, you even suggest a second date at all. :o This came completely from his side; I initiated the conversation but the majority of the input was his. If I'm not interested, I just wouldn't even bring up the possibility of meeting up again unless I was put on the spot or something.

 

It's been 2 days for me as well since his post-date text, I'm also going slightly crazy, trying to get distracted by talking with other prospects when all I wanted was to hear from him. But that's how dating is these days unfortunately. We need lots of patience in this "game". It sucks big time.

 

I learned the hard way that in the beginning we are only supposed to mirror what a man does. We don't chase them. We reply when they text, we say yes when they ask for a date if we want to see them again. If you chase him, you might as well say goodbye as you'll turn him off - it's just an unspoken rule in dating, that is, if you're in North America. In my experience, Europeans are more easy going.

I'm sorry to hear that :sick: I'm in Europe, but I don't think it's too different anymore. I'm completely new to the whole "dating" scene; all my previous relationships grew from friendships or just developed with people I knew, no real trying-out "dates" (and I don't really like the concept either, but I guess that's what you have to do if you want to actively find someone). Still hope this gets cleared up in some way (and for you, too!).

 

Did you tell him that you may not be free tonight? If your availability was up in the air, did you text him and let him know that you were in fact free this evening if his own schedule worked out?

 

I realize "tonight" may have passed already.

 

I don't understand agreeing to the evening if you weren't sure you were free. It would make sense to say that you would like to go out, but your own schedule may not allow it, and likewise let him know that you can if it turns out there are no conflicts. You being wishy-washy isn't going to help. You may not have said, "I'll let you know," but being evasive is just as bad and may leave him wondering what your intentions are and if you're interested.

 

I don't think it would be wrong to text and ask if his schedule is still free to meet, as you hadn't heard from him. Or you can wait for him to reach out, and if he doesn't, call it a bust. Either way, if he's not interested, you won't hear from him.

Sorry, I wasn't clear on this one. I didn't have plans, but usually something pops up spontaneously, and since he didn't sound like he was sure about being free, I just thought I'd suggest an alternative. He had just suggested "in the evening", to which I said "Tomorrow? Or the day after would work as well for me". He then said yes, tomorrow, if we have time and if I want to, and I said I would like to. He said he'd let me know several times. I didn't follow up on it during the day, which I could have, I guess. But then when someone says "I'll let you know", I take that literally and wait. I guess there's the possibility that this whole conversation is a bit premature and it was a misunderstanding, or I overreacted etc. Like I said, I have never really experienced the whole dating scene and reading stuff online with "48 hours" rules etc. gets me a bit confused.

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<snip>

 

Sorry, I wasn't clear on this one. I didn't have plans, but usually something pops up spontaneously, and since he didn't sound like he was sure about being free, I just thought I'd suggest an alternative. He had just suggested "in the evening", to which I said "Tomorrow? Or the day after would work as well for me". He then said yes, tomorrow, if we have time and if I want to, and I said I would like to. He said he'd let me know several times. I didn't follow up on it during the day, which I could have, I guess. But then when someone says "I'll let you know", I take that literally and wait. I guess there's the possibility that this whole conversation is a bit premature and it was a misunderstanding, or I overreacted etc. Like I said, I have never really experienced the whole dating scene and reading stuff online with "48 hours" rules etc. gets me a bit confused.

 

He seriously did not say, "If I want to"??? Please tell me he didn't say that out loud. If that's the case, the question is answered...move on. Really? Is he that much of a god of his world that he can plan a date, maybe, if he feels like it? No...just no. I wouldn't follow up on that.

 

I'm lost on "the rules" as well, but I think if someone is genuinely interested, not only will they be honest about their restrictions, but they will maintain contact in a timely manner if things aren't going to work out and also have alternatives in mind. It's normal for me to say, I can meet after work, but I might not get out on time. If you don't mind a bit of an open-ended meet time, I can text you when I'm leaving work...that sort of thing. (To be clear, it usually isn't more than 10-15 minutes off schedule if I'm out late; otherwise, I just wouldn't plan on it.)

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It doesn't sound like he's that interested to be honest.

 

I tend to leave ambiguity out in these situations.

 

Say we've pretty much agreed to a date on Friday night then my last text would include 'let me know by Thursday lunchtime so I can make other plans if you're not free.'

 

It just gives a simple deadline (for me in my own mind as well as him) , if they pass it then I will make other plans.

9 times out of 10 they will get back to me by that time one way or another.

I find it a simpler way to weed out the 'not so interested ones' when it happens.

 

If they then get in touch a couple of hours before the date then sorry, they're too late.

If they offer up another time then they can set firm plans or simple, again, I give them a time by when to get back to me.

If the guy is unable to do that twice over then I'll not see him again.

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Thanks for everyone's replies. Here is a quick update and some ramblings on the whole experience.

 

I did text him, asking if he still wanted to hang out. He texted me back early the next day, apologising, saying he was too tired the day before, asking me how I was doing & how my weekend was, and saying he couldn't meet up that day as he had too much stuff to prepare (which I actually know is true) and wasn't feeling well. If the lack of coming up with an alternative date wasn't confirmation enough of what most of you what said, his following behaviour was. After that, he only got back to me in 25h+ patterns. I asked him what was wrong (re: him not feeling well), to which he replied over a day later saying he wasn't in a good mood. Again, he asked some questions (how was your day etc.), so I gave a basic, friendly reply a couple of hours later asking some questions back. He saw my message, and since then hasn't replied for over 24h again.

 

I get the message. I'm not even mad, but surprised how easily I seem to be manipulated by that whole cold turkey behaviour, as I wasn't giving him nearly as much thought before he started flaking!

 

Looking back, there were some irritating signs from the start: He was the one to message me on an OLD site and he was very quick to be very keen (sending multiple follow-up texts even when I had ignored him giving me his number etc.) and to promise a lot of things (cooking for me, showing me his hometown, bringing me stuff from his upcoming trip). I knew that if he's that willing to be overly nice without me having even shown anything unique or interesting, then he probably did the same for a lot of girls on the site. I agreed on a date quickly however because I thought it'd be good to try it out and gain some dating experience without any expectations attached.

 

The date went so well that I changed my mind and actually became interested. The signs from his side were good as well and like I said before he made several hints on the day and later that we would meet up again. He kept on making some weird promises (inviting me to visit his family, for example) but this time, I took it as a sign he actually liked me. Oh well. In retrospect, he just seems to be a generally very charistmatic, friendly and outgoing person, so I guess that having a vivid conversation didn't actually mean much. We do share some very particular interests which we talked about, but again, I guess this is no indicator of things actually going well. I can imagine him being the kind of person to be very friendly with most people he meets.

 

I still wouldn't mind to ask him to hang out again, but I guess with that little interest showing, that'd be just wrong, and slowly, the momentum from the date is fading for me too. I think it's a shame, because I thought he was an interesting person and even if nothing came of it, I wouldn't have minded to have him as a friend, and there was some intellectual connection that I think could be worth keeping in touch for. I tend to like to take a lot of time before I see where it goes with people anyway - but I guess OLD is the completely wrong place to look for that.

 

I'm currently just contemplating whether to just not contact him again at all, or sending some sort of "I've seen you've lost interest, that's fine, good luck text" as I find the idea somehow calming. I'm moving on anyhow.

 

(That was a very long text about a guy I've known for a little over a week, but it's nice to get my thoughts out.)

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