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My girlfriend is in a really bad place


Chriscross

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She’s very depressed for the following reasons:

 

1. She’s gained weight - she can’t do a significant amount of exercises as she has a bad ankle, however options such as swimming are there, yet she always puts it off with excuses like she doesn’t have the time, money or doesn’t enjoy it.

- Sub point to this: she has a sugar addiction, so sugary foods are something she gets comfort from. But this only feeds back into the weight gain depression.

 

2. She is always over tired as she works 3 days a week on top of studying law full time, yet she doesn’t go to sleep early as she feels she would have no free time otherwise, so she never gets the sleep she needs.

 

3. She has all these unresolved conflicts with ex friends, but she cannot understand that it’s something in the past and it cannot be resolved. She can’t seem to acknowledge that she’s done her best and if it can’t be resolved then it’s time to move on.

 

4. She’s had a string of bad relationships in the past with guys who’ve mistreated her so she’s constantly up and down with her worth and value.

 

5. She’s religious and gets upset as she feels she is straying from her beliefs but at the same time every time she practises them she comes back saying how bad it was.

 

So with all that in mind, the reason I am posting here (as opposed to getting her to see a professional) is because she will not see anyone about anything or do anything to try and work through any of it. She won’t see a professional about her mental issues, or relationship history, or friendship problems, or religious conflicts, or diet issues, and she won’t exercise...even though she accepts and recognises every single thing I’ve mentioned as something she needs to change.

 

Pretty much the whole weight of it is falling on me and it’s starting to impact our relationship, and I hate that. I am becoming the one source of her happiness and it’s just too much to ask, as well as being extremely unhealthy for her.

 

It’s starting to get to the stage where I’m getting less interest in seeing her as much because I know she’ll just be sad the whole time but will take no steps to help it - this kills me because I love her to bits and hate that myself for feeling this way.

 

The last thing I want to do is put more pressure on her by telling her how much it’s impacting me and my relationship with her, but I’m starting to feel like that is the only thing that will finally force her to act.

 

If anyone has been through something like this with a partner or friends, I’d love to hear about your experiences and how you dealt with them.

 

Thanks.

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How long have you been dating?

 

I personally cannot stand complainers that are full of excuses! I am here scratching my head trying to figure out why you are dating this person?

 

She is one of those people that their glass is always half empty. They only see the negative and seek drama anywhere possible. Can you feel she is sucking the life out of you? It sucked the life out of me just reading it.

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She doesn't want to change. She likes complaining. You can't change her. All you can do is change who you date. If you want to put up with this, fine, stay. You can set a good example for her but you can't make her do things like eat better, sleep more or exercise.

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When you said you GF was in a **tty place... I assumed you meant LA.

 

Honestly... It's not your job to fix her. Either stand by her while she goes through a rough time in the hopes she comes out the other side better... or bail and find someone easier to date.

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I personally cannot stand complainers that are full of excuses! I am here scratching my head trying to figure out why you are dating this person?

 

She is one of those people that their glass is always half empty. They only see the negative and seek drama anywhere possible. Can you feel she is sucking the life out of you? It sucked the life out of me just reading it.

 

This is exactly what I was thinking.

 

Sorry to say but she doesn't sound great. If she's unwilling to work on fixing those problems of hers then it is not your fault for not wanting to be with her, and it is absolutely not your responsibility to fix them for her or be the one source of happiness for her.

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Well, as you can see most would just simply leave in your situation, but you are hoping for some kind of solution.

 

You can, but it takes a lot of participation from you. If you want her to lose weight, you need to be with her every step of the way. If you expect her to try swimming, go with her and sign up for a water wading class at a public pool during a quiet time. She is obviously body conscience, so if you two go together when there are only a few people there, she will feel more comfortable. Have a sit in the hot whirlpool to relax afterwards.

 

Cook together. Go on line and pick out some heart healthy recipes to try out. Go shopping together too so you can stop her from going down the candy isle.

 

She needs counseling. She can join a weight watcher's type group for very little money and meet others that struggle like her.

 

Suggest healthy type activities that get you two out of the house. Avoid sitting around watching movies/on the computer, and put the cel phone away. If you are stuck at home, try doing some chores with her around the house, like washing and detailing the car, clean out some closets and have a garage sale, do some painting to freshen the place up, buy some new potted flowers for the patio. This will take the depressive feeling out of the atmosphere, and give her a feeling of accomplishment.

 

Once you and her get into a healthy routine, she will have a healthy mind and will be able to cope/deal with her issues.

 

Maybe watch some videos of Dr. Amen. He's all about mind health, by changing to a healthy lifestyle. It's very simple to understand and inspirational.

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I think you should be honest about how her depression is affecting your relationship.

It might be the wake up call she needs to make changes.

Phrase it in a way that communicates how much you love and care for her, and ask her if there is anything you can do to help.

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Well, as you can see most would just simply leave in your situation, but you are hoping for some kind of solution.

 

You can, but it takes a lot of participation from you. If you want her to lose weight, you need to be with her every step of the way. If you expect her to try swimming, go with her and sign up for a water wading class at a public pool during a quiet time. She is obviously body conscience, so if you two go together when there are only a few people there, she will feel more comfortable. Have a sit in the hot whirlpool to relax afterwards.

 

Cook together. Go on line and pick out some heart healthy recipes to try out. Go shopping together too so you can stop her from going down the candy isle.

 

She needs counseling. She can join a weight watcher's type group for very little money and meet others that struggle like her.

 

Suggest healthy type activities that get you two out of the house. Avoid sitting around watching movies/on the computer, and put the cel phone away. If you are stuck at home, try doing some chores with her around the house, like washing and detailing the car, clean out some closets and have a garage sale, do some painting to freshen the place up, buy some new potted flowers for the patio. This will take the depressive feeling out of the atmosphere, and give her a feeling of accomplishment.

 

Once you and her get into a healthy routine, she will have a healthy mind and will be able to cope/deal with her issues.

 

Maybe watch some videos of Dr. Amen. He's all about mind health, by changing to a healthy lifestyle. It's very simple to understand and inspirational.

 

This is all very honorable but in real life it doesn't work. OP is already feeling too much pressure and suggesting he became her cook, her personal trainer and her life coach is too much.

 

If she is depressed she needs to see a doctor.

 

If she is overweight she needs to make a decision and join weight watchers

 

If she is obsessed with past friendship she needs to seek personal growth through reading or coaching.

 

If she needs exercise she needs to join a swimming club with people like her.

 

And finally, he cannot make those decision for her. He can cook for her and push her to walk and stuff but if it's not something she wants deep down she will simply hide food and seek drama behind his back.

 

What makes me think she is not depressed is the fact she is capable of going through University and study law.

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heavenonearth

It feels most of these comments do not understand how depression works. Most people who are depressed DO want to change something. But they just physically cant. It's almost like you are not capable of controlling your own body and your own actions. I have been there. And sometimes I still find myself there. It took a long time, years, for me to even get to the starting point of it all. And from there, it is still a long and difficult road.

 

So saying "There is nothing you can do, she does not want to change!" is very very wrong and stigmatizing people with mental health issues. She does want to change. But there is a little devil in her head telling her she can't do anything, she is worth nothing, she is unable to overcome her fears... so what's the point in even starting?

 

Just saying, OP, I know what you are going through as well, because I have had a partner who was very depressed as well (back before I hit my very own year long depression).

The only thing that would work is convincing her to get to a counselor/therapist. This is the only way. The therapist can help her schedule her life and goals and activities, because she cannot do it on her own and it is not your responsibility to do it for her.

 

IF you can get her to see a counselor/therapist, this is a good first step. I can't advise you how to do that, but perhaps she feels scared for being judged for going to a therapist? I know in the US there is a lot of stigma behind it. I live in W Europe, and here it's not much of a stigma to see a therapist. I see one, my boyfriend sees one. It's helpful. It's sort of like a guide through dark times.

If you can get her to see one, you will be ok, I think. Try to ease her fears, make her understand that this would be a good thing, not a bad thing!

 

 

Good luck.

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heavenonearth
This is all very honorable but in real life it doesn't work. OP is already feeling too much pressure and suggesting he became her cook, her personal trainer and her life coach is too much.

 

If she is depressed she needs to see a doctor.

 

If she is overweight she needs to make a decision and join weight watchers

 

If she is obsessed with past friendship she needs to seek personal growth through reading or coaching.

 

If she needs exercise she needs to join a swimming club with people like her.

 

And finally, he cannot make those decision for her. He can cook for her and push her to walk and stuff but if it's not something she wants deep down she will simply hide food and seek drama behind his back.

 

What makes me think she is not depressed is the fact she is capable of going through University and study law.

 

 

No. That's not how depression works. I was in Uni full time, working on the side. And that was all I could do. That was, what kept me alive, but it doesn't mean I was able to do anything else. Depression comes in many forms. It's good she has the studies and work to hold onto. But she may reach a burn out eventually. My best friend is also fully functioning with school and work, but he is depressed to the bone, has no purpose. He is just going to school because if he would not, there wasn't anything else for him to do.

 

Depression is not a one dimensional thing.

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So saying "There is nothing you can do, she does not want to change!" is very very wrong and stigmatizing people with mental health issues. She does want to change. But there is a little devil in her head telling her she can't do anything, she is worth nothing, she is unable to overcome her fears... so what's the point in even starting?

 

The only thing that would work is convincing her to get to a counselor/therapist. This is the only way. The therapist can help her schedule her life and goals and activities, because she cannot do it on her own and it is not your responsibility to do it for her.

 

I respect your opinion as someone with experience with depression but here you are saying the same thing as us. You said the only thing that would work is to convince her to get to a therapist, that's what we said, because OP is not a therapist, OP cannot change her or take on the job of changing her, he is not equipped to do so. So no, we are not stigmatizing people suffering from mental illnesses. We acknowledge It's not a project for regular people to take on. She needs help.

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I suffer from depression so I get what you are saying heavenonearth that someone who has depression feels stuck & may want to change but can't. I will be the first person to tell you they can't do it alone. But when the unhealthy person wants to change they will at least be wiling to go see a therapist. There is no shame in asking for medical help. So no one is stigmatizing the GF. What we are saying -- or at least what I'm saying -- is that while these things bother the poster / the BF, they do not bother the woman herself to enough of a point where she thinks she needs to change.

 

 

People follow the path of least resistance. Change takes work. She's not there yet & her BF can't get her there.

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There is also the matter of how long they've been dating. If suddenly your GF of 2 years is hit with depression of course you stand by her and encourage her to seek help - if you've had a good relationship and there is something good to go back to. If they've been dating for 6 months that's a different situation. The relationship doesn't have the backbone to go through that difficult phase.

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It feels most of these comments do not understand how depression works. Most people who are depressed DO want to change something. But they just physically cant. It's almost like you are not capable of controlling your own body and your own actions. I have been there. And sometimes I still find myself there. It took a long time, years, for me to even get to the starting point of it all. And from there, it is still a long and difficult road.

 

So saying "There is nothing you can do, she does not want to change!" is very very wrong and stigmatizing people with mental health issues. She does want to change. But there is a little devil in her head telling her she can't do anything, she is worth nothing, she is unable to overcome her fears... so what's the point in even starting?

 

Just saying, OP, I know what you are going through as well, because I have had a partner who was very depressed as well (back before I hit my very own year long depression).

The only thing that would work is convincing her to get to a counselor/therapist. This is the only way. The therapist can help her schedule her life and goals and activities, because she cannot do it on her own and it is not your responsibility to do it for her.

 

IF you can get her to see a counselor/therapist, this is a good first step. I can't advise you how to do that, but perhaps she feels scared for being judged for going to a therapist? I know in the US there is a lot of stigma behind it. I live in W Europe, and here it's not much of a stigma to see a therapist. I see one, my boyfriend sees one. It's helpful. It's sort of like a guide through dark times.

If you can get her to see one, you will be ok, I think. Try to ease her fears, make her understand that this would be a good thing, not a bad thing!

 

 

Good luck.

 

Yes, this exactly!

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heavenonearth
I respect your opinion as someone with experience with depression but here you are saying the same thing as us. You said the only thing that would work is to convince her to get to a therapist, that's what we said, because OP is not a therapist, OP cannot change her or take on the job of changing her, he is not equipped to do so. So no, we are not stigmatizing people suffering from mental illnesses. We acknowledge It's not a project for regular people to take on. She needs help.

 

But I also mentioned that I think that it seems she is stigmatizing herself, perhaps. I have met plenty of people who desperately needed professional help, but did not seek it, because they didn't want other people to think they are 'crazy', or something of that sort. For someone who has little self worth, it means a lot what other people think of them. And if one thinks they will be stigmatized if they seek help (because that means admitting something is wrong with them in the first place), it can be a great hindrance in getting the help they need.

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Thanks for all the replies everyone.

 

We’ve been together for a year new, and we were dating for an additional 8 months before hand but we weren’t exclusive due to a distance barrier during that time (which is no longer a problem).

 

I guess the main point I got from everyone’s comments is that she needs speak with a professional, and I totally agree.

 

She has already told me that she knows what she has to do to feel better, but can’t seem to do so, like heavenonearth mentioned, so I’m taking this is a tiny positive place to start. I know she does feel embarrassed about seeking mental councilling as she has said before that she didn’t want to talk to friends or family about it as she didn’t want them to think she was crazy / they wouldn’t understand, so I’d assume that would be the same reason why she is against seeing a councillor when I bring it up.

 

Does anyone, particularly those with first hand experience, have any recommendations as to how you can convince someone who is embarrassed by their mental health problems to go and see someone about it?

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Does anyone, particularly those with first hand experience, have any recommendations as to how you can convince someone who is embarrassed by their mental health problems to go and see someone about it?

 

Tell her no one needs to know, it will remain between you and her forever. It takes strenght to seek help, tell her it's the brave thing to do.

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We’ve been together for a year new, and we were dating for an additional 8 months before hand but we weren’t exclusive due to a distance barrier during that time (which is no longer a problem).

 

...

 

Does anyone, particularly those with first hand experience, have any recommendations as to how you can convince someone who is embarrassed by their mental health problems to go and see someone about it?

 

Has she been depressed the entire time you have known her, or has it started more recently?

 

It's hard to say as everyone is different. But would suggesting accompanying her to and from the venue help? It is a big step to decide to go to talk to someone, and sadly not a quick fix or miracle. People are good at saying 'go and get help' but there is a lot more to it than talking to someone for half an hour. Be supportive and patient, be present.

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No. That's not how depression works. I was in Uni full time, working on the side. And that was all I could do. That was, what kept me alive, but it doesn't mean I was able to do anything else. Depression comes in many forms. It's good she has the studies and work to hold onto. But she may reach a burn out eventually. My best friend is also fully functioning with school and work, but he is depressed to the bone, has no purpose. He is just going to school because if he would not, there wasn't anything else for him to do.

 

Depression is not a one dimensional thing.

 

This is an important point too. Everyone is unique and deals with it differently. I don't think we should conclude that she is lazy/doesn't want to change because she won't go to a psychologist or take medication. Could be that, could be stigma, anxiety, fear/distrust of medical professionals, exhaustion, lack of hope, or the depression itself may be preventing her. Maybe she is just damn busy working and studying and has enough to cope with.

 

One thing I don't think would help is making it about OP and his feelings, or the success of their relationship depending on her depression miraculously vanishing. Would people respond the same way if she had a physical illness that is equally hard to cure?

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Does anyone, particularly those with first hand experience, have any recommendations as to how you can convince someone who is embarrassed by their mental health problems to go and see someone about it?

 

Trying to convince someone depends strongly on the individual, so there isn't really a one size fits all approach.

 

I've had depression on and off for about 5 years now. When I first find out I might be depressed, I was easily convinced to seek help by looking at symptoms (seemed to match what I was feeling) and statistics (how mental illness is incredibly common and treatable in most cases). In fact, being diagnosed was a massive relief as what I was feeling was something that was reasonably well defined.

 

Another potential worry is about medication - some people can be a bit iffy about medication as they want to avoid side effects or reliance on it. In a lot of cases it's not even required - that little detail might reduce worry.

 

Overall for me it's just a matter of normalising mental illness and treating it like a physical illness - if you don't feel well physically, you go to a doctor. If you don't feel well in terms of mental health, you go talk to someone. Doesn't mean you're weak, it just means you're human.

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I guess the main point I got from everyone’s comments is that she needs speak with a professional, and I totally agree.

 

She has already told me that she knows what she has to do to feel better, but can’t seem to do so, like heavenonearth mentioned, so I’m taking this is a tiny positive place to start.

 

I'd be careful about putting too much emphasis on seeing a therapist.

If she is self-aware and insightful, she likely already knows what she needs to do, and she has said as much.

 

Sometimes talking about things can just make you wallow it in more.

Taking action is much more important than talking.

Basically she needs to force herself to do things opposite to what she is doing now.

 

I believe exercise and getting enough sleep are much more effective for regulating mood than talk therapy and medication, so I would start there.

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Honestly, I think a lot of people are being quite harsh on OPs girlfriend....studying law full time, working three days a week and finding time for a relationship is an accomplishment in and of itself. It's no wonder she's tired the whole time.

 

Maybe try going on a hike. There's nothing better than sun and fresh air against depression. If there's a beach where you live, try that.

 

Does she have close family? Or friends? Maybe try and take turns to get her to go out. Even if it's just a walk by the park. You can't be responsible for her alone.

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That's a very insensitive thing to say.

 

No it isn't.

 

Vacuous feel good platitudes are hardly helpful to anyone, when facing the kaleidoscope of problems that his girlfriend presents.

 

She has a record of bad relationships from ex boyfriends to ex platonic friends. Then there is the eating drama, the sleeping drama, and the religious drama. All combined with the poor me symphony, while being unwilling to attempt do anything to fix or manage it.

 

Add having to tip toe around her lest she become more miserable, then mix in some resentment as wel, combinedl with a sensible desire to avoid such dreck. It is fair to say that unless Chriscross likes being in train wreck relationships, he should dump her at the earliest opportunity.

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