Cookiesandough Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 What are your thoughts if you were dating someone for two dates, things seemed to be going well, and you had plans third date set. You are leaving mid October and will be gone until December to work on a project, but you told them it was only an hour and half away and you would be coming down to their city often. One week before your third date, they contact you to say they are feeling a bit anxious, things are moving a little fast for them, and they are concerned about the distance, so they need a break. However, they would like to contact you sometime next year, and if you are still interested, maybe continue? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 What are your thoughts if you were dating someone for two dates, things seemed to be going well, and you had plans third date set. You are leaving mid October and will be gone until December to work on a project, but you told them it was only an hour and half away and you would be coming down to their city often. One week before your third date, they contact you to say they are feeling a bit anxious, things are moving a little fast for them, and they are concerned about the distance, so they need a break. However, they would like to contact you sometime next year, and if you are still interested, maybe continue? I don't know about the "We'll meet again next year" thing, probably just rubbish and something to say, but not many I guess want to get involved in a LDR situation with someone they just met. For an LDR to work it there needs to be a bond built up, so that both are "committed" to the relationship. A few dates is not enough "commitment", for someone to essentially put their life on hold for a few months and wait patiently for the other to return. I think for anyone who is looking for a relationship then it may be sensible not to organise dates with people they just met, when they know they are going to be out of town for months ahead... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Asking for a "break" after 2 dates? WTF? One week before your third date, they contact you to say they are feeling a bit anxious, things are moving a little fast for them, and they are concerned about the distance, so they need a break. However, they would like to contact you sometime next year, and if you are still interested, maybe continue? I would say OK. And then I would carry on with my life as normal. I wouldn't wait for them to call me back. If I happened to be single when they call in the new year then carry on. If not then, you snooze you lose. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Under those circumstances, I would let the person have the "break" but I would think less of them. I would do what I wanted while I was working. If I really liked the person & nothing better came along perhaps in mid-January I'd see what they were up to with no real expectations because clearly the person can't handle life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 I would say 'sure' contact me and I'll see where I am next year. I would delete him from my mind and move on to another man. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 I would think he's really not interested, but it costs nothing to tell you that just in case he may want to revisit it later, hook up, or whatever... And you would be a dumbell if you stood around and waited until he decided it was now worth it for him to reconnect... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 The thing is.... You are the one planning on telling a guy that you want to date him next year - after you basically broke it off after 2 dates. Do you see how most here find that a somewhat insulting offer, and would want more from someone that they are going to get involved with? They saw this from his perspective. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 The thing is.... You are the one planning on telling a guy that you want to date him next year - after you basically broke it off after 2 dates. Do you see how most here find that a somewhat insulting offer, and would want more from someone that they are going to get involved with? They saw this from his perspective. I misread it....see your point...true... TFY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 If Recent Change is correct, and you are the one fretting about needing to slow down & wanting to see where the other person is next year, expect never to hear from him again. The signals you are sending out with this scream you are not worth the effort. You can't lead with your own insecurities. You have to project confidence, even if you don't feel it, up front. Why not just date casually while he's working else where? You meet for dinner or drinks while he's in town & legitimately take things slow. What is so hard or off putting about that? It seems like a built in set of brakes (as opposed to a break) to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 The thing is.... You are the one planning on telling a guy that you want to date him next year - after you basically broke it off after 2 dates. Do you see how most here find that a somewhat insulting offer, and would want more from someone that they are going to get involved with? They saw this from his perspective. If Recent Change is correct, and you are the one fretting about needing to slow down & wanting to see where the other person is next year, expect never to hear from him again. The signals you are sending out with this scream you are not worth the effort. You can't lead with your own insecurities. You have to project confidence, even if you don't feel it, up front. Why not just date casually while he's working else where? You meet for dinner or drinks while he's in town & legitimately take things slow. What is so hard or off putting about that? It seems like a built in set of brakes (as opposed to a break) to me. Recentchange is correct. I'm concerned he'll find it insulting and not like me anymore because I "put it on hold". But long distance is hard for everybody, especially at the beginning of dating, isn't it? I have feelings for this guy and I'm such a fool for yet again not dating longer to see where things go instead of spazzing out and throwing my cards everywhere again. I'm worried if I text him too late he will be moved on and not be interested anymore. This has happened to me before where I came back and they agreed to a date but they lost a TON of interest...they were over it. I would look crazy if I texted him now right. To make matters worse, I told him I would be out of town for 1 month starting today. He hasn't contacted me at all since that day He was agreeable but quite cold when I asked him if we could take a break and stay in touch. Usually men say they're sad to hear that, but he just said "that's cool. That's how these things usually go lol" I asked him if we can perhaps meet again in the future if things aligned he said "lol yea sure" That sounds ominous, especially with the "lol" I told him ok then, I'd contact him next year sometime if he hasn't moved on. I guess that puts the responsibility on me to reach out now. Maybe I can reach out in a month when "I get back" or is that desperate? have I already messed it up... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 I don't know about the "We'll meet again next year" thing, probably just rubbish and something to say, but not many I guess want to get involved in a LDR situation with someone they just met. For an LDR to work it there needs to be a bond built up, so that both are "committed" to the relationship. A few dates is not enough "commitment", for someone to essentially put their life on hold for a few months and wait patiently for the other to return. I think for anyone who is looking for a relationship then it may be sensible not to organise dates with people they just met, when they know they are going to be out of town for months ahead... *tuesday Yes exactly. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 12, 2017 Share Posted October 12, 2017 Cookiesanddough You need to learn to keep your own counsel. every fear that pops into your head does not need to be immediately shared with every new man you talk to. 1.5 hours is NOT long distance. Long distance is 4+ hours or the need for an airplane. Especially if there were going to be opportunities to see each other over the course of 2 measly months, you overreacted for nothing. IMO the timing on this was almost perfect because it would force you to take your time & get to know each other. Instead because you couldn't have an instant, deep, daily interaction you dumped the whole thing in a way that casts you in an undesirable light. Until you learn to calm down & take things one day at a time this will be a recurring problem for you. But the good news is you can fix it if you learn to slow down. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 12, 2017 Author Share Posted October 12, 2017 d0nnivain, thank you. That makes sense. But what do I need to do to fix it with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Divasu Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Why are you playing fixer upper when its only been two dates? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 d0nnivain, thank you. That makes sense. But what do I need to do to fix it with him? You can try apologizing & admitting that you over reacted. Explain that upon further reflection you are more open to seeing him when he's in town & seeing where this goes. It may not work. But I wish you well. Going forward, learn to slow down your decision making process & keep your knee jerk fears to yourself. Take several deep breaths. Allow yourself several hours or days to process info like this. Then when you come up with a calm, rational reaction you can share. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Sounds like a nothing dead end to me sorry. lf your into someone hell , you'll drive an hour and half to see her for a few mths , wth , that's nothing. But the next yr thing, is just as bad, def' not enough interest there. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 13, 2017 Author Share Posted October 13, 2017 (edited) Sounds like a nothing dead end to me sorry. lf your into someone hell , you'll drive an hour and half to see her for a few mths , wth , that's nothing. But the next yr thing, is just as bad, def' not enough interest there. Thanks, Donnivain, I think I'll just let it go. Going back on my word now makes me seem like a complete nutter. Chilli, I am interested in him He's a cool guy and attractive. I'd be willing to drive but I just don't know if hes exactly my type. I feel bad for having a type, though. Just thinking about getting involved seriously over months with him gives me extreme anxiety.. . I don't know. Thanks. Edited October 13, 2017 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted October 13, 2017 Share Posted October 13, 2017 Cookies, Your dating life is like a runaway train and the bridge is out up ahead. Please fix yourself first. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 yeah, l know you said you'd visit cook and your sorta interested but it was his lack of interest l was talking about, he can't drive an hr 30 to see you but instead he's tellin ya we'll try again next yr, maybe. !!! ps , besides, sounds like he gives ya anxiety in all the wrong ways anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cookiesandough Posted October 14, 2017 Author Share Posted October 14, 2017 (edited) Sevencity I know which is why I told this guy I need a break and hoped we could link up next year. I though that was the considerate thing to do. Also I was advised by several people here when I asked what to say to him in my last thread and I told him word for word what people were telling me to. here is what I said : "Sooooo, don't hate me pls. I have been really confused lately. I think it's my anxiety and pressure, and the last thing I want to do is mislead someone. I think need a break ��I'm going to have to cancel Monday. But I am hoping maybe stay in touch and meet up again and casually hang out in the future if you're around or interested at that point? " yeah, l know you said you'd visit cook and your sorta interested but it was his lack of interest l was talking about, he can't drive an hr 30 to see you but instead he's tellin ya we'll try again next yr, maybe. !!! ps , sounds like he gives ya anxiety in all the wrong ways anyway. Sorry Chilli I was a bit misleading how I wrote this. I am the one that said that next year. I am interested I just want to take a break from dating now. I was just wanting an unbiased opinion from people. If I heard that from a guy I would assume he is anxious or he would not have said next year and not take it too personally. Especially since I have deleted my Tinder. I hope he feels the same because I really do want to see him next year when I am sorted. Thanks so much!!! Edited October 14, 2017 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 No worries cook yeah reread it and l wasn't sure then actually but anyway. Does sound like you need a break from it all though anyway so the time away might do ya good eh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Thanks, bye. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 (edited) You might not realize this but you in effect broke up with him. I would be disappointed if someone told me that message, and included that they might want to "hang out casually" in the future. It wouldn't be the end of the world, more like: oh, another one bites the dust. I also find it telling that you were surprised at his reaction. How did you expect him to react? Was he supposed to chase? I get the sense that you don't see your dates as people with feelings who are dating likely because they, like you, would love to find someone, have a relationship, fall in love. Is it possible that deep down you believe these men have more power than you? That they're players who are looking to take advantage of you? I ask because you really seem to distrust men. You seem unable to think of the effect of your actions on them. Edited October 14, 2017 by Kamille 2 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 I don't understand the thought process but it just sounds like another self sabotage. What are you doing? A guy you went on 2 dates with will be living 1.5 hrs away for 2 months..and wants to keep seeing you, but you said no. Sounds pretty simple to me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Erik30 Posted October 14, 2017 Share Posted October 14, 2017 Sevencity I know which is why I told this guy I need a break and hoped we could link up next year. I though that was the considerate thing to do. Also I was advised by several people here when I asked what to say to him in my last thread and I told him word for word what people were telling me to. here is what I said : "Sooooo, don't hate me pls. I have been really confused lately. I think it's my anxiety and pressure, and the last thing I want to do is mislead someone. I think need a break ��I'm going to have to cancel Monday. But I am hoping maybe stay in touch and meet up again and casually hang out in the future if you're around or interested at that point? " If a girl sent me that I would think she's not interested anymore, because it seems like a " lets just be friends" message to soften a rejection. You can't really expect him to keep in touch with you for just a possible future date next year. I would leave it for now, and contact him when you're ready to start dating again. (Though he might then be the one who's not interested anymore) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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