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I lied and now I've gotten dumped.


Emmafive

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Apologies for the length.

 

Where to start...

 

According to my ex he's never loved anyone as much as me and wants to get married blah blah blah.

 

So fairly on my ex would ask me questions and I guess I was a little too honest? According to him a set the precedent and he thought I did to hurt his feelings. Examples; he asked what kind of porn I liked and answered and I took he took it personally because that wasn't what he was physically. Also asked if I like tall guys (he's a little on the shorter side) and I said yea so he also took that personally. Just to name a few examples...

 

Now, this is where I screwed up. I was out with my then-boyfriend and my girlfriends. My best friend who is in a relationship started dancing with another guy and he got mad at me. He assumed that's what I do when we're not together and he was fairly angry with me for almost two days. A few weeks later it's father's day and I'm with my family. He sent me a bitmoji (animated emoji) saying that he missed me. I completely forgot to respond since I'm with my family. He calls me and asked if I got his emoji and I lied and said yes, and I sent one back :/. He confronts me a week later in person and said that he knows I'm lying. I admit that I lied and said sorry. I explained that I just wanted to keep the peace because I don't know what he's going to get upset about.

 

Fast forward about 2 months ago.

 

I was out with my girlfriends (who I rarely ever see anymore) one night. My best friend is good friends with the club owner. My ex was near the club with his friends so I told them to swing by. He comes in and I give his friend a hug and him a kiss on the cheek and then he and his friends decide to check out the second floor. Meanwhile, while they're upstairs the club owner buys my friend a shot but she can't finish it so she hands me the shot. I ask what it is and he says tequila and repeatedly says "take the shot, just take it". I do, then he the owner leaves. I turn around and my ex was there but he goes back upstairs. My friend tells me he looked a little weird so I figured he was upset over the shot. I didn't want him to think the guy bought me the shot so I went upstairs talked to him for a bit and explained who the guy was. We leave and I thought everything was fine but he isn't walking with me and say that he and friends are going somewhere else. I text him that it would be weird not cuddling with him that night (I was staying in the city with my friend that night instead of driving all the way back). He replies with a curt message and said that we need to talk.

 

He calls and asked me if I know why he's mad, I say no, to which he says, "you really don't know". He said he watched for 20 SECONDS and that the guy had his hands all over me to which I said I didn't feel hands on me. He then starts yelling and cursing saying I'm full of **** and I'm a liar. I really didn't feel the guys hand at all. I had been drinking and you know in a club where it's loud people lean in and can subtly place their hand on you to speak to you in your ear. He just kept saying he was trying to hit on me and I can't be trusted. He said me saying it would be weird not cuddle with him and telling him who the guy was made me seem guilty. He then said he's had a gut feeling that I'm a liar and I'm manipulative. since the very beginning and it won't go away.

 

Even more background: According to him he's never loved anyone as much as me and has thought about marriage and kids with me which is a first for him. He was cheated on by his last two girlfriends. The last one was an alcoholic but he kept giving her chances. His father also just passed away in December. With us he always seems to find issues with me. Ex., we were out with my girlfriends and he got mad at ME because my friend was dancing with another guy. He said his ex would dance with other men in front of his face despite him telling her he didn't like it. I said but I didn't do anything and he said I should've known to begin with and think these things through and I'm not "mindful", what the heck? I'm apparently an attention seeker too. My girlfriend's and I have a mutual guy friend who had/has a crush on me. He is very nice and I've rejected him multiple times. We don't hang out and we speak every 4/5 months. I sent him a text for his birthday just saying happy birthday, nothing more, nothing less, and according to him I don't respect boundaries and I did that because "I like attention".

 

A week goes by and he calls my best friend to talk things out with her because he still loves me but couldn't do it if was going to stand firm that I didn't feel the guys hand. Told her he talked to his mom about what's been going on to try to fix things. He contacts me another week later saying that he misses me and still wants to be with me.He said when he loves someone he just becomes obsessive and starts to "lose his identity" in the process because he becomes so consumed in the relationship. He said he wanted to talk less at night (we're long distance) so he could dedicate more time to doing things he likes. I said that I didn't want to rush back into things and that he needed therapy before we would move forward. I think he hasn't dealt with his father's death (he went work the next day, didn't cry etc., then had a mini break down one day a few months ago) and he still has baggage from his previous relationships. He compartmentalizes a lot and I know that's not healthy. During one of our arguments, he got so worked up and upset he lost a patch of hair overnight, which is common for him when he gets really upset which is just another sign he needs to get therapy.

 

Stupidly, we get back together not and he agreed to therapy (he hadn't started going yet). All is fine then out of the blue he starts to explain why he's the way that he is. Saying he's been stuck in past and been an a-hole to me, that he's never been this rude to his girlfriend's before blah blah blah. He then brings up how I set the precedent for him being a jerk because of a joke that I made 6 months prior. I said I didn't say it like that and he then he says how he doesn't trust me because I'm changing my wording from an argument from 6 months ago.

 

He then calls everything off because he'd be too naive to think I lied about the one thing. He said that I lie during arguments. When he brings up issues this happens way too often where we get into you said this, no I didn't, yes you did, etc. That he can give me the benefit of the doubt some of the time but this happens way too often. I told him how I like to start arguments out of the blue weeks and sometimes months later so unless I have a perfect memory it's unfair to think that I would have what I said exactly correct. He as though I say something completely opposite of what I said previously and of course when you recount an argument or what someone said you're going to deviate just a little, again, unless you have a perfect memory.

 

He said I've never had a gut feeling like this with another woman before and how lying is worse than cheating to me. Told me he was more accepting of his last ex who cheated on him a few times because she at least told him the truth eventually. I said he needed counseling because he's 'damaged' and irrational. His previous two girlfriends cheated on him. I said it doesn't make sense that his 'gut' didn't go off with the cheating ex but somehow I'm the bad guy. He said that to him lying is worse than cheating, which is so illogical to me. He said if I would just admit to lying to something else then we could move forward. I refused to do that since I only lied about the bitmoji. He said he's mentally moved on and isn't interested in this anymore. I said okay and leave.

 

10 min later he sends me a text saying he's sorry and how the back and forth is getting to him. I don't respond. Another 30 min. later he sends me another diatribe about how I broke up with him really screwed him up blah blah blah. Then another hr. later another text which I ignore. The next day he sends me another lengthy message. Why continue to send me messages if you have mentally moved on from the relationship? With the last message, he was reiterating how he was more forgiving of his ex, despite her cheating multiple times she eventually told the truth but I'm not doing that so I've, 'lost all credibility'. I eventually respond and say that I love him and needs to get help, to which he replied, "I wish it was just about you lying one time".

 

I know he needs help, but I just can't help but think I contributed. Maybe I was too insensitive when I joked? I'm starting to think that I just as much at fault as he is...

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Cookiesandough

I'm sorry. He sounds unstable and crazy controlling and manipulative. I don't get why anyone would want to be in a relationship like this.

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You were dating an insecure needy man with low self esteem. He was cheated on by his last 2 GFs & is now punishing you for their bad behavior. If asked he will say you cheated on him too. Why do you want to resurrect this? It all sounds like too much drama & work.

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This is a dangerous situation, one that you need to remove yourself from. You didn't contribute in anyway. He was jealous, insecure, and almost dangerous to begin with. He needs help, and that isn't on you.

 

This relationship seems toxic. You may love him, but it is best to walk away. Continuing to speak to him, getting back together, may make matters worse, especially for you.

 

Come back to him or this relationship after a while and after he's gotten help to realize if he is what you want or not. Until then, walk away. He needs help, and you've acknowledged that. I've dealt with people like him to understand it doesn't take much to keep them going on the dangerous streak that they are on or enable them.

 

And to close, you cannot fix people, as much so you didn't break them. He needs to be able to realize for himself that he needs help, a person cannot do it for him. He won't accept the help or want it until he realizes he needs it for themselves.

 

This sounds like a heartbreaking experience and my heart goes out for you.

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Romantic_Antics

You're not at fault for the baggage that he brought into your relationship. He's clearly insecure because of his previous experiences and the death of his father. The death of a parent is very often the trigger for insecurity because it creates a sense of abandonment which the person continues to be afraid of in their other relationships. They then create unrealistic expectations in their mind that ultimately no man or woman can ever live up to and it just perpetuates the cycle of them feeling frustrated and let down, then resentful, then angry, and back to creating even more unrealistic expectations. It's a vicious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies.

 

He needs to work on this or he'll never be able to have a healthy relationship.

Edited by Romantic_Antics
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{snip}

 

I know he needs help, but I just can't help but think I contributed. Maybe I was too insensitive when I joked? I'm starting to think that I just as much at fault as he is...

 

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Reading your thread made me feel exhausted.

 

Don't think not even for one second that you have contributed to this. He needs help, period!

 

The bitmoji lie ok you were guilty, take that as a lesson in the future. But that's not enough reason for him to treat you like that.

 

He has problems and you were the one taking all the punishments. He sounds scary to be honest. Please be careful and make sure he isn't stalking you or anything. Consider this as a blessing that he is gone.

 

I know you love him. I can't see why, but that's your life. For your own good, move on and forget about him.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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This is a dangerous situation, one that you need to remove yourself from. You didn't contribute in anyway. He was jealous, insecure, and almost dangerous to begin with. He needs help, and that isn't on you.

 

This relationship seems toxic. You may love him, but it is best to walk away. Continuing to speak to him, getting back together, may make matters worse, especially for you.

 

Come back to him or this relationship after a while and after he's gotten help to realize if he is what you want or not. Until then, walk away. He needs help, and you've acknowledged that. I've dealt with people like him to understand it doesn't take much to keep them going on the dangerous streak that they are on or enable them.

 

And to close, you cannot fix people, as much so you didn't break them. He needs to be able to realize for himself that he needs help, a person cannot do it for him. He won't accept the help or want it until he realizes he needs it for themselves.

 

This sounds like a heartbreaking experience and my heart goes out for you.

 

Thank you. I know you're right. It just sucks so much when you know someone needs help, can pinpoint their issues, and know if they just got help it would be SO much better.

 

He didn't start getting like this until he said he wanted to marry me and how he never felt that way about anyone before, and it progressively got worse. It doesn't help that his brother thinks that I've told him things on purpose to hurt his feelings so they don't see that he needs help. Now, this makes me question myself and has me second guessing thinking, "hmm maybe I did say things to be malicous" like he thinks.

 

I don't know if this makes me crazy as well but I know he is a good man and has great qualities about him BUT it's all covered with crazy.

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My ex was very similar to yours. While I was reading your post, I found myself nodding along, picturing my ex's face - because these men are so strikingly similar: emotionally unstable, controlling, horrendously insecure, manipulative, accusatory, rude.

 

You know what that led to? Emotional, verbal and eventually physical abuse.

 

This man has problems that have nothing to do with you. He is a self-loathing person and blame-shifts by dumping it all on you because it's easier than admitting he behaves this badly and needs help. Thus, being insensitive about a certain joke is not the issue.

 

Having been there, the only advice I can give you is stay away. This is toxic and it will get worse. He is not boyfriend material whatsoever, and he won't be unless and until he gets proper treatment for what are clearly some emotional health problems.

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You're not at fault for the baggage that he brought into your relationship. He's clearly insecure because of his previous experiences and the death of his father. The death of a parent is very often the trigger for insecurity because it creates a sense of abandonment which the person continues to be afraid of in their other relationships. They then create unrealistic expectations in their mind that ultimately no man or woman can ever live up to and it just perpetuates the cycle of them feeling frustrated and let down, then resentful, then angry, and back to creating even more unrealistic expectations. It's a vicious cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies.

 

He needs to work on this or he'll never be able to have a healthy relationship.

 

Wow, you've really hit the nail on the head. Of course, I couldn't add all the details but he incessantly complained and nitpicked to the point where I felt I just couldn't do anything right.

 

He said he's never argued with anyone like this before and he believes it's just our dynamics so I believed that too. I just assumed that whoever he ends up with it won't be this way. He won't be as insecure and exhausting with the next person.

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Romantic_Antics
Thank you. I know you're right. It just sucks so much when you know someone needs help, can pinpoint their issues, and know if they just got help it would be SO much better.

 

He didn't start getting like this until he said he wanted to marry me and how he never felt that way about anyone before, and it progressively got worse. It doesn't help that his brother thinks that I've told him things on purpose to hurt his feelings so they don't see that he needs help. Now, this makes me question myself and has me second guessing thinking, "hmm maybe I did say things to be malicous" like he thinks.

 

I don't know if this makes me crazy as well but I know he is a good man and has great qualities about him BUT it's all covered with crazy.

 

No, it doesn't make you crazy or even seem crazy. Insecure people get that way because they had a sensitive temperament to begin with. This can make them very loving, affectionate, considerate, and empathetic people - all of which are very attractive qualities. However, not all sensitive people are insecure people and dealing with someone who's insecure is a battle you can't win until they take the time to acknowledge it and fix it. You may want to be the one to fix it because you do see all the good qualities that he has, but you won't be able to. He has to be able to acknowledge it and take action.

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Romantic_Antics
Wow, you've really hit the nail on the head. Of course, I couldn't add all the details but he incessantly complained and nitpicked to the point where I felt I just couldn't do anything right.

 

He said he's never argued with anyone like this before and he believes it's just our dynamics so I believed that too. I just assumed that whoever he ends up with it won't be this way. He won't be as insecure and exhausting with the next person.

 

Nope. He'll be even more insecure and exhausting with the next person. The incessant complaining and nitpicking to the point that you feel like you're walking on egg shells and just can't do anything right is another very common theme with insecure people.

 

Hopefully he can develop enough emotional honesty and accountability to recognize that he needs to work on his insecurity. If left unchecked for too long, an insecure person can eventually even become a very dangerous person capable of inflicting emotional and/or physical abuse.

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Wow, you've really hit the nail on the head. Of course, I couldn't add all the details but he incessantly complained and nitpicked to the point where I felt I just couldn't do anything right.

 

He said he's never argued with anyone like this before and he believes it's just our dynamics so I believed that too. I just assumed that whoever he ends up with it won't be this way. He won't be as insecure and exhausting with the next person.

 

I don't believe that for a moment. I can nearly guarantee you that he didn't just suddenly turn into this person; there may have been extenuating circumstances exacerbating his stress (ie. his father's passing) but this didn't cause his bad relationship behaviour.

 

And he won't suddenly stop his toxic behaviour with his next girlfriend, either.

 

Allow me to share an anecdote: my aforementioned ex also told me he was never like that with anyone else, and that his ex had cheated on him and therefore he was insanely insecure and jealous with me. I believed it. Until I actually met her, randomly, on a night out with mutual friends after my ex and I had broken up. We got to chatting. She didn't delve into too many details, but it turns out that she didn't cheat - he did. Repeatedly. And yes, I am far more inclined to believe her than him. Why? Because I discovered he was doing it to me too. That crazy jealousy can sometimes mask a cheater who is projecting. My ex assumed I would behave the same way he did when I wasn't around.

 

His previous ex also asked me if he changed his ways for me, if he treated me better than he did her. She too assumed his next girlfriend would make him happy enough to cut the crap. Not so much.

 

This man is now married, and I know a friend of his wife's. I don't ask about him or their marriage, but I have certainly gotten the impression that he has not changed at all.

 

My point in sharing is this is to assure you that while you may not have a healthy dynamic and he may have gotten along better with an ex, it certainly does not mean he was Prince Charming before you met, nor that he will morph into him after. You were dating someone with some very deep issues, and those don't disappear based on external factors, such as his choice in girlfriend.

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Wow, you've really hit the nail on the head. Of course, I couldn't add all the details but he incessantly complained and nitpicked to the point where I felt I just couldn't do anything right.

He said he's never argued with anyone like this before and he believes it's just our dynamics so I believed that too. I just assumed that whoever he ends up with it won't be this way. He won't be as insecure and exhausting with the next person.

 

I believe this guy is insecure and borderline crazy. However, if I came up on my GF in a club with some guy getting handsy with her... I would dump her quickly.

 

So... part of this is him being insecure and part of this is you being untrustworthy. Just a bad combination.

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I believe this guy is insecure and borderline crazy. However, if I came up on my GF in a club with some guy getting handsy with her... I would dump her quickly.

 

So... part of this is him being insecure and part of this is you being untrustworthy. Just a bad combination.

 

How the heck was I untrustworthy?

 

I invited him there so clearly I had nothing to hide and he even admitted it was 20 seconds and he just placed his hand on my back.

 

Believing your girlfriend is untrustworthy and should be dumped because of that sounds insecure on your part.

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Untrustworthy people should be dumped.

 

 

I don't think you did anything untrustworthy. Some guy lightly touched the small of your back in a crowded club. Was that flirty? Maybe. Was it over the top, cheating or grounds to break up? Of course not. It's not like the guy was groping you or that you two were making out.

 

 

Really . . . this guy is way more trouble then he's worth. You can't spend your whole life propping him up.

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Thank you. I know you're right. It just sucks so much when you know someone needs help, can pinpoint their issues, and know if they just got help it would be SO much better.

 

He didn't start getting like this until he said he wanted to marry me and how he never felt that way about anyone before, and it progressively got worse. It doesn't help that his brother thinks that I've told him things on purpose to hurt his feelings so they don't see that he needs help. Now, this makes me question myself and has me second guessing thinking, "hmm maybe I did say things to be malicous" like he thinks.

 

I don't know if this makes me crazy as well but I know he is a good man and has great qualities about him BUT it's all covered with crazy.

 

Hold your ground. You know you didn't say anything wrong. He has his own problems he needs to deal with that aren't yours to fix.

 

I know its hard to see a person you care about and love so deeply run around in circles with their own problems when you can see them so clearly. Trust me, I had that same problem with my sister. I tried to fix her, I tried to reason with her, but I just realized after a while that I couldn't. You can't reason with people who have so much going on that you can't see past them and their issues.

 

Like I said, wait a while for him to figure it out and get help on his own. Maybe after a few months or years he'll come back and be a man with great qualities without the crazy.

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Be grateful be dumped you, he sounds like my ex - the controlling, insecure, abusive one.

It took me months to get rid of my guy though - be aware that this guy will probably be back - and won't go away for a while yet.

 

Just one of his 'things' but I still smile to this day when I choose to wear earrings - he told me they were inappropriate, he went nuts over me wearing earrings. Twit!

 

Good riddance to this guy OP.

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thefooloftheyear

If you don't give a crap about him, then none of this matters...

 

I'd just advise you that sometimes you need to be aware of how your actions could be interpreted...

 

Just like at the beginning....

 

Why tell a guy that's short that you like tall guys or whatever the other thing is...? That's the type of stuff you should lie about....I mean don't you think you would be upset if you found porn he watched that was full of big breasted women and you were flat??

 

Also...while I wouldn't react they way he did, I don't think any woman Id ever known would take a drink at a bar from a guy or even let another guy get near her, if she knew I was in the place...Its just not considerate...

 

A lot of posters will say it's his problem and he's insecure, and to a degree I believe they are correct...However you certainly didn't make it easy for him..

 

 

Like stated earlier...if he doesn't mean that much to you, then move on....But just think about how this played out and consider certain things as you move forward in life...You may run into a guy that's very secure and you are crazy about, yet he drops you on your head because sees or hears stuff he doesn't like..he might not even tell you why, he'll just drop you..It's foolish as hell to test the limits of what people will tolerate and this is true for women or men...Better to just use basic common sense in these matters..

 

You sound young...these are life lessons that people learn as they mature..

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Romantic_Antics
Just one of his 'things' but I still smile to this day when I choose to wear earrings - he told me they were inappropriate, he went nuts over me wearing earrings. Twit!

 

:eek:

 

What in the actual hell?

 

I could understand if they were "DTF" earrings, but otherwise...

 

:eek:

 

What in the actual hell??

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How the heck was I untrustworthy?

 

I invited him there so clearly I had nothing to hide and he even admitted it was 20 seconds and he just placed his hand on my back.

 

Believing your girlfriend is untrustworthy and should be dumped because of that sounds insecure on your part.

 

You said that he claimed the guys hands were all over you. Was he not telling the truth?

 

I have a decent amount of clubbing experience. Men can get really handsy, especially guys that own clubs. Maybe you didn't notice, but I think the majority of men would have an issue with this.

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You said that he claimed the guys hands were all over you. Was he not telling the truth?

 

I have a decent amount of clubbing experience. Men can get really handsy, especially guys that own clubs. Maybe you didn't notice, but I think the majority of men would have an issue with this.

 

His hands weren't all over me. The friend/the guy of my friend bought her a shot. She didn't want it so she gave it to me. I then turned and asked what it was. He leaned in (because it was so loud), put his hand on my back and said for me to just take the shot. That was our entire interaction.

 

My ex grossly exaggerated what happened. He told my best friend that his hands were all over me and also my other friend all the while, he was looking "lustfully into my eyes". He managed to see all of this in the 20 seconds that he said he was watching *rolls eyes*

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:eek:

 

What in the actual hell?

 

I could understand if they were "DTF" earrings, but otherwise...

 

:eek:

 

What in the actual hell??

 

Lol I didn't know such earrings existed :confused:

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His hands weren't all over me. The friend/the guy of my friend bought her a shot. She didn't want it so she gave it to me. I then turned and asked what it was. He leaned in (because it was so loud), put his hand on my back and said for me to just take the shot. That was our entire interaction.

My ex grossly exaggerated what happened. He told my best friend that his hands were all over me and also my other friend all the while, he was looking "lustfully into my eyes". He managed to see all of this in the 20 seconds that he said he was watching *rolls eyes*

 

:laugh: Ok. It's going to take him some time to trust again. You don't want to be the person who has to deal with it until that happens.

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Well I just got another message.

 

He said going to therapy would just be a disservice to me because he wouldn't really take it seriously because he was only going to go for me. He has felt he has needed to assume blame in order to move forward because I'm so 'unrelenting'. He's 'never had issues disagreeing with someone on the sequence of events or what was said, let alone have the same issue numerous times'. Also, that he can only hear "I never said that" before he questions my honesty. He not paranoid and my favorite part,

 

'Even if I didn't think you were lying your actions look dishonest so I interpreted them as such'.

 

Sigh. I don't even know why his messages still surprise me...

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