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She is perfect, but I don't feel anything? Thoughts?


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Old 9th November 2017, 11:07 AM   #76
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This happens to people all the time. It has happened to me, multiple times.

It's important to remember that some people can be great, but also not for you. Look, if there isn't anything there, there isn't anything there. There isn't anything you can do about it. She seems wonderful, which is why you shouldnt keep her around just because you think you should be feeling something that you aren't.

You both will find someone who is great. You will find someone who you are actually attracted and great.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:13 AM   #77
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Devilishly,I agree, but the fact that OP needs to write this says that he doesn't feel fulfilled in this relationship. He doesn't feel the feelings of passion that is the byproduct of romantic love that he has felt before in the past. If he were married for years I'd understand it. I know many long-married couples, including my parents, who still feel that passion but it has waned. However, typically, the feelings at the beginning of a relationship are very telling of its future. If he feels something is missing now, it's unlikely to get better.

I don't know why anyone would try to convince OP to do mental gymnastics to stay in a relationship where he feels something is missing or not enough. Technically, we can will ourselves to love anyone who makes us comfortable enough with effort and time, but I don't suggest that unless you really need to settle ASAP. I can't speak for OP's gf, but I wouldn't want someone to settle for me when they aren't completely happy.


We know, and more importantly, he knows he is capable of strong feelings of romantic love. He felt that way for his ex. OP wants to stay with this girl and is reasoning he has some kind of attachment disorder, but I don't buy that. Yes, she turned out to be abusive, but she wasn't always that way. There's something about her personality or look that made him feel those strong feelings. He needs to find a woman who does it for him like his ex did. I believe he is hesitating on that because he does care for/love this girl and doesn't want to hurt her, but also because he is afraid if he lets her go he won't be able to find better and will regret it.
This is because a lot of people "settle" to not be alone in life. Some people have never experienced true passion with another person so they have no idea what they are missing. They feel compatibility is enough to sustain a marriage and in most cases it is. However the people who have experienced true, burning passion will always know what they are missing if they don't have it with their spouse. Perhaps the lucky people are the ones who have never experienced it.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:31 AM   #78
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Hi itís OP here.

Been interesting to read all the replies.
Can I just add something to the conversation, Iím a 29 year old man. Every relationship Iíve had where I felt firework has ended up being with women who treated me horribly. They always gave me the sensation that Iím chasing them and can never really get them. It was always exciting for me.

All women who have actually loved me, even in long term relationships, Iíve become bored of. I feel like I need the challenge.

This woman Iím with now, sheís smart, sassy, funny, mature, trustworthy and secure. Never met anyone like her, hands down.

I spoke to some of my friends and they all state that the butterflies and excitement doesnít ALWAYS happen, and certainly do not
Stay. Apparently you donít always need to have the fireworks. What Iím trying
To say is that love can grow. One of my best friends was going out with someone she didnít fancy much, but was a good guy. She never initially thought it would last long term. Few years later.. she says she canít live without him. Sheís just started to love him...

What are the opinions of those who have been with their partners for many years, any thoughts?
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:52 AM   #79
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Originally Posted by soconfused89 View Post
Hi itís OP here.

Been interesting to read all the replies.
Can I just add something to the conversation, Iím a 29 year old man. Every relationship Iíve had where I felt firework has ended up being with women who treated me horribly. They always gave me the sensation that Iím chasing them and can never really get them. It was always exciting for me.

All women who have actually loved me, even in long term relationships, Iíve become bored of. I feel like I need the challenge.

This woman Iím with now, sheís smart, sassy, funny, mature, trustworthy and secure. Never met anyone like her, hands down.

I spoke to some of my friends and they all state that the butterflies and excitement doesnít ALWAYS happen, and certainly do not
Stay. Apparently you donít always need to have the fireworks. What Iím trying
To say is that love can grow. One of my best friends was going out with someone she didnít fancy much, but was a good guy. She never initially thought it would last long term. Few years later.. she says she canít live without him. Sheís just started to love him...

What are the opinions of those who have been with their partners for many years, any thoughts?
This is the saddest piece of self-deception I have ever read. Hoping the best for you and especially for the great girl you are with.
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Old 9th November 2017, 11:58 AM   #80
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Originally Posted by soconfused89 View Post
Hi itís OP here.

Been interesting to read all the replies.
Can I just add something to the conversation, Iím a 29 year old man. Every relationship Iíve had where I felt firework has ended up being with women who treated me horribly. They always gave me the sensation that Iím chasing them and can never really get them. It was always exciting for me.

All women who have actually loved me, even in long term relationships, Iíve become bored of. I feel like I need the challenge.

This woman Iím with now, sheís smart, sassy, funny, mature, trustworthy and secure. Never met anyone like her, hands down.

I spoke to some of my friends and they all state that the butterflies and excitement doesnít ALWAYS happen, and certainly do not
Stay. Apparently you donít always need to have the fireworks. What Iím trying
To say is that love can grow. One of my best friends was going out with someone she didnít fancy much, but was a good guy. She never initially thought it would last long term. Few years later.. she says she canít live without him. Sheís just started to love him...

What are the opinions of those who have been with their partners for many years, any thoughts?
Of course you can love a person you have been with a number of years even if you didn't start off loving them. You can love how they treat you, how you can depend on them, their companionship and just knowing you have someone there for you. This type of love still does not replace passion. I would hate to be the guy you describe above. It's really very sad.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:01 PM   #81
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Hi OP,

She sounds like a great girl. But I do understand where you're coming from. After being treated so badly, your self-esteem must have taken a big hit and you probably think that you don't deserve such a good woman. Get some counseling for the next couple of months to work out your issues. If you still feel the same after that then break up with her. But whatever you do, don't tell her that you're bored of her! That would be a terribly hurtful thing to say.
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Old 9th November 2017, 2:10 PM   #82
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A couple of months? Which conversion therapist is that?
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Old 9th November 2017, 4:54 PM   #83
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Hi OP,

She sounds like a great girl. But I do understand where you're coming from. After being treated so badly, your self-esteem must have taken a big hit and you probably think that you don't deserve such a good woman. Get some counseling for the next couple of months to work out your issues. If you still feel the same after that then break up with her. But whatever you do, don't tell her that you're bored of her! That would be a terribly hurtful thing to say.
Thanks FilterCoffee,
Sounds like a good idea. She is a great girl.

My main problem is always falling for the women who treat me badly as they simply donít care and then I want their attention. On top of everything I feel traumatized by my previous relationship, and Iíve got anxiety. Going to a therapist is probably a good idea as I genuinely do need guidance when it comes to what love really is.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:14 PM   #84
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OP, I read the beginning and end of this thread. Not the middle.

I have an ex from some time ago who would probably write the same question about me, if he used online forums. He wanted to want to be with me, but lost attraction and got bored for reasons he couldn't explain (and it wasn't a matter of hiding his feelings from me to protect me, he said lots of cruel things to me around the breakup). He eventually told me long after the breakup that he didn't think it actually had anything to do with me. And I know that the only woman he has ever loved romantically was several years ago and incredibly toxic (she was cheating on him and made him miserable).

He still really cares for me, after all this time, and is still hoping I'll allow him to try to repair a friendship.

So what is my point here. Well, I've thought a lot about sexual chemistry and butterflies and sparks because of all that (we had those things to start), and also about peaceful relationships that aren't dramatic (which is now what I want and don't equate with passionless). I think if it's absolutely not there to begin with, it is unlikely to spontaneously happen later. But if it was there to begin with, there's a reason it's faded. I've realized over time that I used to mistake stress and anxiety for butterflies and passion! There would be really great chemistry, the guy would start treating me like crap within a couple months, I'd get overwhelmed with strong feelings and try to make it work. What was actually happening was I had an insecure attachment (anxious attachment style, which is different from general anxiety) and was unconsciously dating the types of people who provoked it. If I didn't feel any of that stress, I assumed I just wasn't into the guy. If this is related to attachment style issues and you do have one that is insecure, the good news is, therapy actually can help with that. An insecure style can change into secure. And yeah, prior to figuring all this out, I got bored in my long term peaceful relationships, though in retrospect none of those guys was truly compatible with me so it's okay they didn't work out.

That may not be what's happening here at all, but I wanted to bring it up because you do mention anxiety issues which may be chemical but also may be related to things that happened when you were a kid that are passionately drawing you to bad matches. Maybe those partners feel familiar and attractive against your baggage. Maybe this gf is not the right match, and that's okay. That happens too, and you shouldn't force yourself to be with her.

But if she's as great as you say, you should do more self work and exploration to learn more about yourself, because if this is related to anxiety and maybe fear of vulnerability on your part, then it is likely to happen again once you meet someone else awesome if you haven't addressed it. Don't stay with her if you're really not attracted to her, because I can tell you first hand that being on the receiving end of that situation is REALLY DAMAGING. But look into why you're looking for reasons this isn't working instead of appreciating everything she is before you make a decision.

I regret that my ex didn't try to work on things with me at all at the time, and I strongly suspect he regrets it too based on his recent communication. Doesn't mean we can work it out now, just that the situation put us both through a lot of stress last year.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 9th November 2017 at 5:17 PM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 6:46 PM   #85
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I read this thread and it made me cry.

I was the girl described by the Op in my last relationship. He broke up with me but wanted to stay friends which I refused and finally cut him off for good just over a month ago.

No matter what he tells me, no matter how much he tells me it wasn't my fault... I still feel awful, because I wasn't 'enough' for him.

Its been hell and daily I flit between feeling more positive and wanting to end things because I can't cope with the pain and thought of what could of been, the whys and the fear of ever entering another relationship that will destroy my self esteam.

No matter how you word this to the girl if you do tell her your true feelings or break up, chances are she will be damaged from then on... shes done nothing wrong. You will hurt her big time! Just because she isn't 'hot' enough...
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:07 PM   #86
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I read this thread and it made me cry.

I was the girl described by the Op in my last relationship. He broke up with me but wanted to stay friends which I refused and finally cut him off for good just over a month ago.

No matter what he tells me, no matter how much he tells me it wasn't my fault... I still feel awful, because I wasn't 'enough' for him.

Its been hell and daily I flit between feeling more positive and wanting to end things because I can't cope with the pain and thought of what could of been, the whys and the fear of ever entering another relationship that will destroy my self esteam.

No matter how you word this to the girl if you do tell her your true feelings or break up, chances are she will be damaged from then on... shes done nothing wrong. You will hurt her big time! Just because she isn't 'hot' enough...
Please donít feel like that. Ur post made me so upset. My girlfriend is beautiful in every single way. Iíll never meet anyone as amazing
And I know that. And you are just as beautiful. Itís just damaged people who cannot see that. Itís not your fault. Youíve done nothing wrong. You are good
Enough. Iím starting not to believe in the whole Ďsparks have to be flyingí thing, atleast not for someone who is anxious. Messed up as me. Who constantly looks for faults when things are perfect. Who wants to find things to complain about. Love is feeling safe. Love is feeling secure. Love is feeling protected. Love is Home.

I hope I can sort my brain out, take on some of the suggestions and advice thatís been given by kind individuals on here
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:23 PM   #87
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If she is so lovely and wonderful... then why not love her? I'm pretty sure my ex felt about me the way you do about your gf. Why ruin something that is exactly how it should be? Forget 'sparks' and 'buttterflies', it should be about being a team, about mutual respect, enjoying one anothers company!!

I won't be speaking to my ex ever again. I did no wrong except be 'me' it seems. If I saw him in the street, i'd look the other way. My life feels destroyed by the fact my ex was so so into finding the cliche 'sparks' and didn't just enjoy things as they were. My self esteam is damaged beyond belief, its been nearly a year and I still don't feel much better. I just feel angry at him and 'done wrong' and my walls are now completely up.

Last edited by Heartbrokenandhurt; 10th November 2017 at 7:26 PM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:29 PM   #88
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I also warn you, you tell her any of this... or break up with her over this, yes you may very well loose her forever!! And that is nobodys fault but your own. Stop looking for the 'sexy, dangerous' woman... who do you really want by your side in the future?

It makes me feel mad/upset to think that this girl who is enjoying her relationship, may about to be blindsided, through no fault of her own.... to be told the dreaded 'its not you, its me' (which we don't believe btw) And about to be put into the same dark place of feelings of inadequacy that i've been for nearly a year. In my case, it didn't get better. It has stayed with me. Its felt like a massive rejection.

Last edited by Heartbrokenandhurt; 10th November 2017 at 7:45 PM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 7:51 PM   #89
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lol so weird for me to read that having a petite woman is a problem.
Most men like for a woman to be "smaller" than they are as it makes them feel more masculine, hence why some shorter men don't want to date tall girls. My ex was 5'11 and I am 5"1. He had a good 10 inches on me in height. He always said I was "cute" and I think my height was a part of that. Even when I wore high wedges or heels, I still couldn't reach his lips to kiss him, he had to bend down. He could carry princess style pretty easily to kiss me. If I was excited to see him, I'd run up and wrap my arms around him without fear of knocking him down...

I'm 5'1 and around 96 pounds. Most men never found my body type to be a problem (aside from me having smaller boobs, and sometimes I feel I can look too young). But if it is a deal breaker for you, then you have the right to feel that way. Having a petite girl can be fun too

But I admit, I am a little biased hahaha
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Old 10th November 2017, 8:05 PM   #90
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Also I feel a little bad for this girl.
This is how good girls that would making amazing girlfriends get self-esteem and insecurity issues. The relationship seems fine and they are an amazing catch but still get dumped.

It may have been better if you were more aware of this feelings before you were 9 months deep with this girl because then it gets much harder to let go.
But the longer you take to let her go, the more it is gonna hurt her.
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