jerseygirl77 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I met Jack 7 months ago. I am 77 and he is 68. Jack told me immediately that he has been separated from his wife for 10 years and has had one other relationship since. He wanted to be totally upfront with me. On several occasions he has invited me to family events which included his "wife" who is completely aware of our relationship. FYI: She, has lived in Florida (1,500 miles away) since they have been separated. . Jack tells me all the time he's in love with me - I'm perfect for him, etc. - even wants to move in with me. His whole family embraces me with such friendliness whenever we get together, even when the "wife" is present. Jack says no one holds anything against me or says anything negative about our "relationship". All of his 3 children appear to be very comfortable with our relationship and always treat me with the utmost respect. Even invited me to their homes for dinner. My feeling is that I'm traditional and feel odd about him still being married as do my own children. My son has said that I am in an adulterous affair. Jack has told me he sees no reason to get a "divorce" - I'm not clear on why although it appears to me that he just doesn't want to pay for an attorney and go through the "process", when it doesn't matter to him He said it’s just a piece of paper. I love Jack and he makes me very happy. Although I'm not sure I would ever marry again, Should I continue to see him? or give him an ultimatum? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 (edited) But he's still married not just a piece of paper. By laws of this land he's legally married to another woman. Faith under God 10 commandments clearly states thou should not commit adultery. All this depends on your belief. No matter what age you got married for love and been separated for what 10 years he's not letting go, and has nothing to do with paying a lawyer. Don't need a lawyer to get divorce today. I never use one an neither then my Ex-Wife. All his wife has to do is file for divorce and say she doesn't want any money. All he has to do is agree to the divorce and accept the terms. Get a letter stating that get notarized (if you have a bank account most banks will not charge for this service) There are some court cost but not a lot. To much excuses today no one wants to divorce they wife and keep a mistress on the side. You'll never be married and if you except this just have to know where you stand. Good old Jack having fun and still married.. What a life he's having at age 68. I could never do that and live like. Marriage means more than just piece of paper to me , it' meant you really was in love with the person and she loved you so much to get married, every girls dream to be. Well it's up to you stay or go.. He's not getting a divorce for the grown kids sake. Your his friend only.. His wife might be in Florida, when last has it visited his wife. They can have fun too because the're still married. Edited October 11, 2017 by coolheadal Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I kind of understand your partner. I didn't bother divorcing for a long time because it was just a bit of paper. I couldn't give two hoots for whether or not I was technically married. However, when my new partner told me that it was an issue to him, I immediately got it done. What your guy hasn't figured out is that this effects you as much as it does him now. Link to post Share on other sites
Lattes4Days Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Your son is right, by definition, this is an affair. I find it very odd that the (Ex/current) wife still attends family gatherings, especially with you present. Are you sure they aren't in an open marriage? Regardless, I would not stand for that. There is absolutely no reason for him to not divorce her, its not like it costs tons of money. I'm 25 and a lot of my friends have already been divorced, and they didn't drag it out just because it was more convenient to stay married, that's ridiculous. It has been 10 years, that's more than enough time to save up for the divorce paperwork. There is another reason that is keeping them married that he isn't telling you about - whether it's emotional or financial, it's there. He won't do anything about it unless you put your foot down, and that may involve walking away. If he really wants you in his life, he'll be a man and do the right thing. It's far past time. The only other option you have is staying with him for years while he stays married, and this will only frustrate you further. It will also become much more difficult if you two ever actually become serious, you will not be allowed to have his last name or any shared financial assets, property, bills, nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 Jack told me immediately that he has been separated from his wife for 10 years If it's important to you that he gets divorced then why on earth did you get involved with him in the first place? He's been separated for 10 years, it's pretty clear that he's never going to get divorced. He's been totally up front about that from the start so why did you even carry on seeing him? My son has said that I am in an adulterous affair. From a legal point of view your son is right. Although most people wouldn't call it that since they have been separated so long. Jack has told me he sees no reason to get a "divorce" Well, I would give him one good reason, that you are not prepared to be in a relationship with a married man. Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 What is the legal spouse entitled to at some point in the future? Is she receiving benefits afforded a legal spouse right now? Is she benefitting from this, because I question why she hasn't forced the issue herself. Being separated 10 years, certain issues will be less of a big deal and less costly, but he's going to have to "buy her out" with other issues (and she him), and this could cost a lot. Personally, I would not tolerate continued marriage, despite what a lovely person she may be and the acceptance by all involved. Do it or don't. It's more than "just a piece of paper." I have known people who were separated and really stalled on the divorce, but at some point, a year or two later, you just gotta do it. Her being the legal wife gets mixed up in any finances and other issues. It's just not a pretty picture, let alone the emotional distress this causes, you being the mistress, after all, and where his loyalties seem to be prioritized. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 I have friends in this situation, and I will never understand it. The woman even had a baby with her live-in boyfriend/"common law" husband, but since the baby was born in a state that doesn't allow someone other than the husband to be on the birth certificate, the baby's father (the boyfriend) couldn't even be put on it!!! And STILL no divorce lol. I don't get it. The estranged husband has even stayed with them for months at a time, paid for some major stuff for them, etc. It is all very bizarre. She just says, "we never bothered...." (Last I heard the estranged husband's current girlfriend was really pushing for the divorce to finally happen. I don't know if it has yet.) It's been like 15 years! Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 (edited) If I make it to 77, I would do whatever the hell I thought was right and wouldn't give a crap what anyone else thinks...Heck, I am almost there now...(not age, but degree of concern about certain things)... Maybe he thinks you are looking for some type of financial benefit and wants to protect his kids from some type of conflict with you should he pass??? I respect your wishes and beliefs, but I really don't see what the big deal is...*shrug*.. Edit....I flipped the ages...I don't think my opinion changes much though...but if it really bothers you, then call him on it, I suppose.. TFY Edited October 11, 2017 by thefooloftheyear 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 (edited) I don't personally care for the religious side of it and the affair accusations toward you are really only to shame you. All of your pastors and ministers have affairs left and right so no one should be pointing the finger at you. That being said you need to ask him why, and in details, why he wants to remain married. This is 100% your business. Take this into the future. Lets say you are moving in together and in 10 years he or you pass. If he passes his wife will inherit what you've built together 10 years. She will also be the one to make the funeral decisions, where he'll be buried, will he be cremated, etc. You will have no saying in the matter even after 10 years together. You'll be a stander by. If you don't want to get married together than no big deal but I think he needs to get a divorce if you want to move in together. Unless you're happy his wife takes over everything when he dies? Maybe it's best for you? Edited October 11, 2017 by Gaeta 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 (edited) I met Jack 7 months ago. I am 77 and he is 68. Jack told me immediately that he has been separated from his wife for 10 years and has had one other relationship since. He wanted to be totally upfront with me. On several occasions he has invited me to family events which included his "wife" who is completely aware of our relationship. FYI: She, has lived in Florida (1,500 miles away) since they have been separated. . Jack tells me all the time he's in love with me - I'm perfect for him, etc. - even wants to move in with me. His whole family embraces me with such friendliness whenever we get together, even when the "wife" is present. Jack says no one holds anything against me or says anything negative about our "relationship". All of his 3 children appear to be very comfortable with our relationship and always treat me with the utmost respect. Even invited me to their homes for dinner. My feeling is that I'm traditional and feel odd about him still being married as do my own children. My son has said that I am in an adulterous affair. Jack has told me he sees no reason to get a "divorce" - I'm not clear on why although it appears to me that he just doesn't want to pay for an attorney and go through the "process", when it doesn't matter to him He said it’s just a piece of paper. I love Jack and he makes me very happy. Although I'm not sure I would ever marry again, Should I continue to see him? or give him an ultimatum? You are living your life for you, not your son or anyone else. Is him being married/legally separated a bottom line issue for you? If it is, then do not issue any ultimatums--just leave. Cut him off, block him and move on with your life. Do not budge from that position if this is how you feel. If him being married/legally separated isn't an issue for you, then continue seeing him--but understand: if anything happens to him, you are not next of kin, no matter how much his wife and children like you and accept you. I hope you don't have property with him or his name is on wherever it is you live. That could turn messy, since you don't have his power of attorney and he's still got a legal wife. That is why that "just a piece of paper" is important. That other "piece of paper" has his wife's name on it, too and that's who the state will recognize. If he loved you as much as he says he does, he wouldn't put you in such a position should he become incapacitated. Edited October 11, 2017 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
andie1969 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 What is the legal spouse entitled to at some point in the future? Is she receiving benefits afforded a legal spouse right now? Is she benefitting from this, because I question why she hasn't forced the issue herself. Being separated 10 years, certain issues will be less of a big deal and less costly, but he's going to have to "buy her out" with other issues (and she him), and this could cost a lot. Personally, I would not tolerate continued marriage, despite what a lovely person she may be and the acceptance by all involved. Do it or don't. It's more than "just a piece of paper." I have known people who were separated and really stalled on the divorce, but at some point, a year or two later, you just gotta do it. Her being the legal wife gets mixed up in any finances and other issues. It's just not a pretty picture, let alone the emotional distress this causes, you being the mistress, after all, and where his loyalties seem to be prioritized. I bet that is totally it! I knew an older couple who wouldn't divorce even though they were both living with other people. It had something to do with his pension and her being the beneficiary, etc. I would hate it because legally she is still his next of kin and could make medical decisions if she wanted to. It sounds like she's not "in his life" anymore so to speak, but come some illness or death, who knows what could happen. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 There isn't all that much difference between separation and divorce really. Neither are considered "married" by tax laws, hence why it's a separate choice on all legal forms. Also divorce doesn't make anything more final, because I think just as many divorced couples get back together as separated couples. If it bothers you put your foot down, but don't let other people make you feel bad about the situation. You clearly know your relationship and it doesn't sound like you are getting used or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 11, 2017 Share Posted October 11, 2017 My perspective....at 77 be happy that you found someone to grow old with. He may have assigned one of his kids to handle any decisions regarding near death or illness, his estate, etc. He may or can get her to sign an agreement that she has no entitlement to his estate or any decision making. You don't need a divorce for that. Just a notary to stamp it and yer done. Link to post Share on other sites
JLM19802017 Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 I think that if you and your children have a moral issue with dating someone that is married, then you should reconsider the relationship. Friendship maybe, but physical relations with a married man, even if he is separated is not honoring yourself. You are deserving of complete surrender and wholeness in a love relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 17, 2017 Share Posted October 17, 2017 I have a friend this morning who was feeling low as it was his mom's passing anniversary date. He told me details he had never told me before. When his mom died his dad met another woman. They dated for a while and decided to marry her. They were in their 60s then. His dad died not long after and the new wife inherited everything leaving the children with nothing. The new wife inherited the house the children grew up in, his savings, his collections, childhood memories, his pension plan, everything. Then she said F U ALL. And she disappeared and gave no memories to the children. If they want to remain married they have a legal reason behind. It may be their way to make sure no new wife or new husband will get away with what they built together and is due to their children and grand children. Link to post Share on other sites
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