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Girlfriend attracted to another guy in front of me


kvb92

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This has been making me sick all week...

 

On Friday night we went out to a friend of her's party at a bar. Everything went fine there, though she was acting a bit more distant towards me than usual. Right before we left the bar, I caught her checking out one of the other guys that was with us (she did that whole scan him up and down and follow his movements thing). Admittedly that made me a little jealous, but hey I check girls out and she checks guys out. No big deal.

 

Then me, my gf, and 2 other friends left the bar and went over to the place of the guy who she was checking out (I forget whose idea it was to, but it wouldn't surprise me now if it was my gf's). On the car ride over there (the guy she was checking out was not in the car), she started inquiring about the guy. She asked if he was gay and when her friend said no, she went "ooooooooh". She made a comment about how she liked his hair, and then told me she likes when guys have long hair and I should try it. At this point I'm getting kind of mad at her cause she's not even being subtle about her attraction. It hurt and embarrassed me in front of the other 2.

 

When we got to his place we got locked out and we were stuck in the hallway. My gf was on the other side of the hallway, didn't go near me or touch me at all (she knew I was upset about something but chose not to ask what was up or to come over to me). I got really quiet cause that's what I do when I'm upset and I just stood there, but meanwhile she was talking it up with this guy and laughing at his jokes and stuff. When we got into his place, the 3 of us went out to the porch, while him and my gf stayed inside as he rolled a blunt (again, she's getting alone time with him and ignoring me entirely while I'm outside).

 

When she came out a bit later, she asked if I was bonding with the other 2. I was really cold toward her, can't remember what I said. After that we smoked the weed and when he went and came out with a second blunt she said "awwww, he's so sweet". I wouldn't even make eye contact with her at this point, I felt embarrassed, emasculated, and a bit spiteful.

 

We came home and she was feeling sick so i dropped her off in the bed downstairs. I then slept in the bed upstairs cause the thought of sleeping in the same bed as her made me feel sick. I confronted her about it the next day, she maintained that she was only being friendly and I misinterpreted, but she apologized that I had misinterpreted and admitted he was cute. I was supposed to stay the night that night at her house, but I told her I wouldn't and I went home.

 

I haven't seen her since then but I feel just as ****ty about it as I did Saturday night. We talked on the phone about it last night and it went horribly. I admitted that I no longer trust her (because if she would do all this right in front of my face, then what is she doing when I'm not around), and that she made me feel invisible while I was there. She maintained all of it was friendly, even though she was attracted to him, and broke down in tears because she felt she was losing me.

 

I just feel stuck on how to handle this. I don't want to be with a girl I can't trust, and the fact that she won't own up to what happened is making it hard to move past it because I feel like we've learned nothing. But my heart broke to hear her so upset last night. Should I let this one go and only nip it in the bud if it happens again? Am I the one being unreasonable here? Sorry this is so long.

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no, not unreasonable

 

she says it was all friendly, she sounds upset at losing you, she must promise to uptoyou

 

neither of you seem to know the other all that well, but pinkie promises are deeply bonding, one way to sort this out

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It's been a huge blow to the ego for me. I never thought I'd be rendered invisible in her eyes by the presence of another guy, but that's how it felt that night. I almost feel in shock about it, maybe I just don't have enough dating experience and this is more common than I think.

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I can see why her behaviour bothered you, but I think your reaction was over the top. And your communication was very poor.

 

You said that she didn't come over to you to ask what the problem is. Did you take any initiative to tell her why you were upset? Given that you always go quiet when you're upset, would you have told her what was bothering you if she'd asked?

 

I can tell you one thing, a reaction like you're having well could become a self fulfilling prophecy. You need to make a decision about the future of the relationship quickly. If you want to keep it, then you'll need to let it go. Thing is, if you continue being distrustful and grumpy, you'll drive her away regardless.

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It's been a huge blow to the ego for me. I never thought I'd be rendered invisible in her eyes by the presence of another guy, but that's how it felt that night. I almost feel in shock about it, maybe I just don't have enough dating experience and this is more common than I think.

 

To be honest, I don't think it's that uncommon. Relationships don't put blinkers on us. The best we can do is manage brief attractions to others in a manner which doesn't hurt our partners.

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It's been a huge blow to the ego for me. I never thought I'd be rendered invisible in her eyes by the presence of another guy, but that's how it felt that night. I almost feel in shock about it, maybe I just don't have enough dating experience and this is more common than I think.

 

Not at all. She has to be extremely disrespectful and thoughtless (let alone being a son of a gun) to act in such way. If I were you, I'd dump her on the spot. It'll only get worse.

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You said that she didn't come over to you to ask what the problem is. Did you take any initiative to tell her why you were upset? Given that you always go quiet when you're upset, would you have told her what was bothering you if she'd asked?

I agree that my communication isn't great. But my attitude towards this stuff is "if it's gonna, then it's gonna happen eventually. So just let it happen." I'm surprised that I need to be the one to take action and put a stop to the flirting, when common courtesy/decency and, a level of caring, should compel it to not happen in the first place. I'm just stunned at the lack of self-restraint and the obliviousness? I don't know, I know I would never do something like that in front of someone I care about.

 

To be honest, I don't think it's that uncommon. Relationships don't put blinkers on us. The best we can do is manage brief attractions to others in a manner which doesn't hurt our partners.

I felt a bit like she was 'managing' her attraction in a way that was leaving the door open for him if he wanted to make a move. Getting alone time with him, avoiding being near me, not talking to me or making conversation with me. Basically giving off the impression that we are not together, or that this relationship is loosely tied together at best.

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Dump her. Duh its obvious. Find someone who doesnt do that or make u feel that way

It is disrespectful, emasculating and humiliating

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You have open relationship so both can check out other people. Why do you have such a open back door. You can't blame her for her actions. You can do the same thing to her and I am sure she'll over react like your doing now. You feel hurt by her. Early signs of real jealously of love. Yeah you love this chick way to much but again allow things to escalate to this point now. So why can't you change you hair look are you short hair guy sounds like it from how she wanted you to grown your hair long. Always listen to the woman, you fail to listen to her. I say stop this foolishness and get on with a serious relationship with her. Why would you give up on her? Think about this, who did she go home with? She didn't go home with that guy, she gone home with you. Also she clearly loves more than you think. Look at she's reacting she doesn't want to loose you over this. Did she kiss him, nope, did she go home with him nope. All she did what you had allowed her to do is check him out as you can do with other women. Well my friend time to nip that in the bucket so more of that crap okay. If you felt hurt so be it because you allowed her to do what you do check out other people for her guys for you gals. If you don't that to continue then do or say something about make you and her more official otherwise walk away from this then.. I say you shouldn't walk be a man and tell her you love her so much you will grow your hair long and you want more from her, because one day you and her will wed. If you don't correct this soon enough..

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You need to talk to her about it. She was rude to ignore you in favor of him.

 

Like you said, people look. If all she did was look & that was the end of it, I'd tell you to simmer down. This was more. Looking, then inquiring, then spending alone time with him knowing you were upset about it, was her making a choice.

 

If she doesn't apologize, I'd seriously consider breaking up so she's free to date him.

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Think about this, who did she go home with? She didn't go home with that guy, she gone home with you. Also she clearly loves more than you think. Look at she's reacting she doesn't want to loose you over this. Did she kiss him, nope, did she go home with him nope.

 

Just give her a couple drinks and make OP go home alone, let's see how things turn out...

 

I think it's a bit naive to think she loves him just because she didn't leave with that guy. I mean, what is she supposed to do in order to prove how disrespecful she is? Tell him 'sorry OP, I want to do the deed with that guy, bye bye!'?

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Sure.... You can take the advice of the single guys and dump her immediately.

 

But here is a tip going forward. "Going silent" not communicating, expecting your partner to be a mind reader etc is never going to lead to a successful relationship.

 

You need to learn how to COMMUNICATE, using your words.

 

Sulking and expecting someone to chase after you and then start asking you what is wrong.... Because you can't man up and say what you are thinking is a recipe for disaster.

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Sure.... You can take the advice of the single guys and dump her immediately.

 

But here is a tip going forward. "Going silent" not communicating, expecting your partner to be a mind reader etc is never going to lead to a successful relationship.

 

You need to learn how to COMMUNICATE, using your words.

 

Sulking and expecting someone to chase after you and then start asking you what is wrong.... Because you can't man up and say what you are thinking is a recipe for disaster.

 

Regardless her behaviour is despicable. Your point actually is irrelevant in this case

 

Its like me saying im kissing a girl in front of my girlfriend. But becsuse my girlfriend didnt communicate with me she was upset she is a pussy. Also your comment is demeaning and sexist by saying man up.

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Everyone seems to be focused on him not communicating, which is true, he should have pulled her aside and called her out on her behaviour instead of sulking.

 

BUT that does not excuse her behaviour. I think you have every right to be miffed about this. Not only was she acting flirty with him and ignoring you, but she was outright inquiring with her girlfriends about his relationship status, right in front of you and making comments TO YOU about qualities in him that she finds attractive. I'm with the "dump her" crowd on this one; if my girlfriend was sizing up a man as a potential partner right in front of me I would feel incredibly disrespected. We all can find other people attractive while in relationships, but c'mon...

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There are two things at play here. Certainly she wasn't trying to hook up with this guy. Now, you have to know that, when not in you presence, and now in your presence, your girl is attracted to other men.

 

you feel disrespected. And that is OK. In the moment, how you behaved was an emotionally charged situation for you so it is what it is. How you handle now, after reflection, is important.

 

Make sure your clear on your boundaries here and communicate in a calm mature fashion. Its entirely possible that she too for granted that your are strong enough and could handle it. Its not weak. if you felt disrespected, tell her.

 

I would bet she got carried away, felt comfortable that you would not interpret her behavior as disrespectful or crossing the line.

 

But it did, and maturely and calmly communicate it hurt you. she will respond with a very caring and understanding vibe or she will be defensive. if she is defensive, its not necessarily because she wanted to bang this dude.

 

its because your setting a boundary. she needs to honor it

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Yes you have to learn to talk... But at the same time she was completely out of line.

 

Further, she is not stupid she knows exactly what she was doing.

 

So in terms of communicating, I would have pulled her aside and said, "do you want to be with pretty boy? Because that is how your acting."

 

Depending on her answer, for example if she gave me the BS answer that she gave you initially, I would have left her there and dumped her on the spot. And yes you should dump her yesterday.

 

But let's not pretend she is just and innocent lass that had no idea how she was acting...

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So in terms of communicating, I would have pulled her aside and said, "do you want to be with pretty boy? Because that is how your acting."

 

Depending on her answer, for example if she gave me the BS answer that she gave you initially, I would have left her there and dumped her on the spot. And yes you should dump her yesterday.

 

QUOTE]

 

honestly, approach her in a charged situation, her getting hit with a point a view that she is not expecting, and a fight not ensuing?

 

Dump that bitch!! My god, she didn't bang the guy. she pushed his boundary. a boundary she may have known she was pushing but was not discussed. I know it shouldn't have to be. she did it. set a fn boundary now. spoken word. "I don't like this" . Then if she continues, look for bigger measures. you just cant break up every time your sig other does something stupid.

 

there are deal breakers and a million stupid things your sig will do. gotta work at it here

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I am genuinely amazed at the responses of the women on this thread (many of whom I value as very good contributors on loveshack)

 

This girl was so far out of line it isn't funny. Totally and utterly emasculating.

And for her to claim she didn't know what she was doing, and didn't know why the OP is upset is laughable.

 

I would have left the bar and found someone else, never mind going to some strangers house to humour my girlfriend's flirting fantasies.

 

I do agree with one part of what they are saying - OP staying silent during this and fuming is the wrong course of action. You should have left her there and told her why. Not in an angry sulking way, but as a simple matter of fact explanation of why you wont put up wth that BS.

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So in terms of communicating, I would have pulled her aside and said, "do you want to be with pretty boy? Because that is how your acting."

 

Depending on her answer, for example if she gave me the BS answer that she gave you initially, I would have left her there and dumped her on the spot. And yes you should dump her yesterday.

 

honestly, approach her in a charged situation, her getting hit with a point a view that she is not expecting, and a fight not ensuing?

 

Dump that bitch!! My god, she didn't bang the guy. she pushed his boundary. a boundary she may have known she was pushing but was not discussed. I know it shouldn't have to be. she did it. set a fn boundary now. spoken word. "I don't like this" . Then if she continues, look for bigger measures. you just cant break up every time your sig other does something stupid.

 

there are deal breakers and a million stupid things your sig will do. gotta work at it here

 

Actually, yes you can and for me, yes I would.

 

Here is he deal, if a woman acts like that in front of you, whether she is joking or not, you have to shut that down immediately. Otherwise you are a pussy.

 

Btw, there are a million girls out there, no reason to put up with that behavior...

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Thanks for all the responses guys. I appreciate all perspectives, even the ones that vilify me :p

 

 

I broached the conversation with her tonight and we're at a serious impasse. She is adamant that it was just friendly interaction. And I told her "I don't believe you". And I never will believe her on that. To do so would go against my intuition, and every other warning sign in my brain telling me otherwise. I'm not sure how to come back from this when we're stuck at this point.

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Thanks for all the responses guys. I appreciate all perspectives, even the ones that vilify me :p

 

 

I broached the conversation with her tonight and we're at a serious impasse. She is adamant that it was just friendly interaction. And I told her "I don't believe you". And I never will believe her on that. To do so would go against my intuition, and every other warning sign in my brain telling me otherwise. I'm not sure how to come back from this when we're stuck at this point.

 

Good job, guvnah! That will teach her to show some respect. Now it's time to go NC until she apologises. If she doesn't, she's not the one. But even if she does, keep an eye on her - once bitten, twice shy.

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Good job, guvnah! That will teach her to show some respect. Now it's time to go NC until she apologises. If she doesn't, she's not the one. But even if she does, keep an eye on her - once bitten, twice shy.

She's apologized a few times. The problem is that she's apologizing that I "misunderstood her interactions" with the guy. I need her to be honest about something being there, cause it allows us to have an open conversation so that it doesn't happen again, to either of us.

 

If she maintains that it was just friendly, then we're never gonna be able to be honest and we're finished.

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There's a big difference between flirting with intention and flirting benignly, and OP's girlfriend is aware of this.

 

Another deal breaker here would be her lack of accountability after the fact. Ignoring and humiliating a partner in order to carry on a flirtation is rude enough, but then gaslighting by claiming that the OP misinterpreted her behavior is disrespectful.

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Everyone seems to be focused on him not communicating, which is true, he should have pulled her aside and called her out on her behaviour instead of sulking.

 

BUT that does not excuse her behaviour. I think you have every right to be miffed about this. Not only was she acting flirty with him and ignoring you, but she was outright inquiring with her girlfriends about his relationship status, right in front of you and making comments TO YOU about qualities in him that she finds attractive. I'm with the "dump her" crowd on this one; if my girlfriend was sizing up a man as a potential partner right in front of me I would feel incredibly disrespected. We all can find other people attractive while in relationships, but c'mon...

 

They have open relationship where he can browse and check out women as she can check out men. So she's looking and see what's out there and can comment on her man to maybe change his appearance. He can do the same to her. I learn a lot about women, sure I've change a lot of what I use to do myself. I look better and feel better. I dress better, more name brand then off brand. But I am still me inside. But I would never have open relationship that they have where the gf can stare at other men or me do the same with women. That would bother me, then makes me start to think things what she was thinking. Once of the worst things you can fully get out of your head. Hair thing nothing, if she jump on this guy and started kissing him on the lips then I would agree with you 100% but that didn't happen. If you have skin head look but this girl wants hair on your gf head. Unless he has hair issues I can understand that. My hair grows no matter what. I am lucky. This story with the of them in question is really up to him to decide but they have open relationship to check other people. Let's not forget that here!

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This has been making me sick all week...

On Friday night we went out to a friend of her's party at a bar. Everything went fine there, though she was acting a bit more distant towards me than usual. Right before we left the bar, I caught her checking out one of the other guys that was with us (she did that whole scan him up and down and follow his movements thing). Admittedly that made me a little jealous, but hey I check girls out and she checks guys out. No big deal.

 

I'm going to be honest and tell you things that other posters won't. I married a woman who did this to me several times while we were dating. I was 18 and honestly didn't know how to handle it. People LIE to young men all the time about why this happens and how to fix it.

 

First, this girl is testing your boundaries. She openly checked this guy out in front of you to see how you would react. She may believe that she had another reason for this... but she wanted to see how far she could push you.

 

By reacting with passivity you gave her permission to IGNORE YOU and FLIRT WITH THE OTHER GUY.

 

Then me, my gf, and 2 other friends left the bar and went over to the place of the guy who she was checking out (I forget whose idea it was to, but it wouldn't surprise me now if it was my gf's). On the car ride over there (the guy she was checking out was not in the car), she started inquiring about the guy. She asked if he was gay and when her friend said no, she went "ooooooooh". She made a comment about how she liked his hair, and then told me she likes when guys have long hair and I should try it. At this point I'm getting kind of mad at her cause she's not even being subtle about her attraction. It hurt and embarrassed me in front of the other 2.

 

This comment was literally designed to provoke you. In her head I'm sure she was thinking it would make you feel like she was still focused on you. However, she is clearly 100% focused on the other guy and in fact is suggesting that you change to be like him.

 

This was a test to see if you are going to respond like a man and stop her behavior or act like a scared little boy that she can push around.

 

You should have verbally spanked her right here at this point.

 

When we got to his place we got locked out and we were stuck in the hallway. My gf was on the other side of the hallway, didn't go near me or touch me at all (she knew I was upset about something but chose not to ask what was up or to come over to me). I got really quiet cause that's what I do when I'm upset and I just stood there, but meanwhile she was talking it up with this guy and laughing at his jokes and stuff. When we got into his place, the 3 of us went out to the porch, while him and my gf stayed inside as he rolled a blunt (again, she's getting alone time with him and ignoring me entirely while I'm outside).

When she came out a bit later, she asked if I was bonding with the other 2. I was really cold toward her, can't remember what I said. After that we smoked the weed and when he went and came out with a second blunt she said "awwww, he's so sweet". I wouldn't even make eye contact with her at this point, I felt embarrassed, emasculated, and a bit spiteful.

 

Because you have completely failed to put your foot down... she keeps pushing.

 

We came home and she was feeling sick so i dropped her off in the bed downstairs. I then slept in the bed upstairs cause the thought of sleeping in the same bed as her made me feel sick. I confronted her about it the next day, she maintained that she was only being friendly and I misinterpreted, but she apologized that I had misinterpreted and admitted he was cute. I was supposed to stay the night that night at her house, but I told her I wouldn't and I went home.

I haven't seen her since then but I feel just as ****ty about it as I did Saturday night. We talked on the phone about it last night and it went horribly. I admitted that I no longer trust her (because if she would do all this right in front of my face, then what is she doing when I'm not around), and that she made me feel invisible while I was there. She maintained all of it was friendly, even though she was attracted to him, and broke down in tears because she felt she was losing me.

I just feel stuck on how to handle this. I don't want to be with a girl I can't trust, and the fact that she won't own up to what happened is making it hard to move past it because I feel like we've learned nothing. But my heart broke to hear her so upset last night. Should I let this one go and only nip it in the bud if it happens again? Am I the one being unreasonable here? Sorry this is so long.

 

She is crying to emotionally manipulate you. You responded to her boundary pushing after the fact. She wants to know that she can do this again and that some crocodile tears are all thats required to make you obedient to her will.

 

So look, I've been through this before. I handled it just like you did. I watched it happen 2 times and each time got over it after some well timed tears. I married her. A few years later she is cheating. When I ended the marriage she was STUNNED, because I had never shown a spine before.

 

Take heed of what I say and save yourself massive heartache. You cannot continue to be permissive with women like this... You have to draw a hard line and stick to it. Make sure she knows you won't take this kind of behavior. There has to be consequences for this.

 

As a final thought. You know something my Xwife said to me later. It reveals the way she was thinking about these situations. She said.. "You were never willing to fight for me". Some women want to provoke a situation were you need to make another man step back. I'm not saying that's what your girl is thinking, but it's a possibility.

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