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How do I get over my attachment related anxiety to save my relationship?


Veev

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I'm sorry for this being a lengthy one, but I'd appreciate any feedback :)

 

I am 24 years old and 8 months ago I began my first ever relationship. Over this period of time I have suddenly grown more anxious, jealous and emotional.My self esteem has stooped to a new low in terms of my appearance, education and career.I have taken this jealousy and anxiety, and flipped it onto my very supportive boyfriend, starting fights over very small things at least once a week.

 

Over the weekend my boyfriend had finally snapped and released what would've been months of anger over false accusations that I have thrown at him time and time again.He told me exactly what I didn't want to hear, and this was that I had "a lot of issues" and that our fights start "because you're insecure",not because he is a liar, cheater or manipulator etc.

 

Having read over the brutal messages of truth, I've come to accept what my issues really are; attachment related anxiety/preoccupied attachment. I am now having difficulty figuring out how to tackle it to save my relationship.For now I have withdrawn from constant messaging to sort out the many thoughts going on in my head, and although he is feeling hurt by this (this is our main form of communication) he has told me he still loves me, misses me and is here to help when I'm ready.

 

From the reading I've done over the last few days, I've understood that the best way to overcome this is on my own. "Remember, these attitudes come from inside us, and unless we can overcome them within ourselves, it won’t matter how smart, sexy, worthy or attractive our partner tells us we are. No matter what, we must strive to feel okay within ourselves".

 

I've found that my biggest issues are:

 

1.I hate when he goes out with other people, big, huge, crippling issue.

 

1.1-My partner is a medical student and a lot of his time is engrossed in study, sleep or sport. We go out only once a week (twice if I'm lucky) and keep up communication on other days via text message (This gets even more difficult knowing he only lives a 5 min walk away from me).I will drop anything including spending time with my friends and family, to spend more time with him. Although I know he is not able to do the same for me, I still get upset about this.

 

1.2-There are weeks where he is invited to events by his friends, so to not lose out on the one night a week I get to spend time with him, I agree to go with him. The majority of his friends are well educated medical professionals.At first I found this threatening, but after a handful of outings I've found that many people in this profession think they're God's given gifts to the world,their conversations revolve around them and their work, and they are overall boring and painful. Although my boyfriend is slightly more humble, he does enjoy when his non medical friends put him up on a pedestal.I know you should support and take interest in what your SO does, but I find that he already gets enough support,compliments and praise from other people, and he has never complimented me as a teacher (Only as a good sports person)

 

1.3-If he is invited to a birthday, wedding or other event he is "secure" enough to go on his own, even if his other friends bring their partners.This is something that drives me insane.It often gets worse when I do get invited and people make comments like "you're official?" and "I didn't know you had a girlfriend?".

 

1.4-His brother is jealous of our relationship as he is single and having trouble finding the right girl (He just doesn't like me).His brother invites him to go out to bars,community/church functions etc. without me, and quite often at these events is when he gets hit on by other girls (The guys who go are all single doctors or medical somethings :rolleyes:). Although I know he doesn't pursue them, sitting at home on my own doesn't settle my thoughts at all.

 

2.The random Facebook adds.He will often accept requests from girls he met or spoke to once.When I first added him on Facebook, I know he went through 3 of his colleagues to figure out if he actually knew who I was. Again, although I know he's never pursued any of these girls,the thought of him adding girls he doesn't know makes me uncomfortable.I thought that this might be a harmless ego boost of some sort, but there is no evidence of our relationship on Facebook and again,anxiety, anxiety, anxiety.

 

3.Keeping contact with his old sexual acquaintances, mainly through good old social media.This ranges from wanting to accept a friend request from his ex-gf (who he dumped and who suddenly wanted to keep contact when she heard he was dating me), to keeping snapchat contact with a girl he slept with on contiki. Contiki girl is a lot older than him and feels the need to keep him in the loop of her life,catch up when she's in town, and send direct random chats to him every now and again.Although my bf has reassured me that he doesn't care for her, he could never delete her from this social media networks because he didn't want "the headache of hearing her sook" ...so I sooked instead.I finally got fed up with it and did it myself.

 

Here is where I'm looking for feedback. I've listed some points I think will help me begin the process of being a more "secure" person, but I know it's not enough...

 

-To stop prioritizing him over my work and study

-To stop bailing on already made plans with friends and family, because he suddenly has time to see me

-Make plans to catch up with old friends and colleagues, especially if I know he's already made plans with other people

-Start pursuing old hobbies again. For some reason I stopped participating in sports and a range of other things I loved

-To stop seeking reassurance from him (I should know I'm smart, beautiful, and capable, although I know this will take time)

-Remind myself that not everyone can offer the same things I can offer, especially time

-To stop having my phone glued to me.I never used to be this type of person until I got into a relationship

-Be okay with attending events on my own, otherwise ask a friend to attend with me

-Remind myself that he has chosen to be with me for a reason, and to think about all the nice things he's said and done for me rather than the negative feelings

-If he cheats, he cheats, I cannot control this as much as I want to

 

I know that my boyfriend is a good person, he's dealt with everything I've thrown at him so far,and I do believe he's never done anything that should make me question his trust or love. I've met his family, they know I exist, we talk seriously about the future and I am currently seeing a psychologist in regards to some of my issues (although we are currently focusing on cognitive behavioral therapy)

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I do believe he's never done anything that should make me question his trust

You are kidding right? You mention PLENTY of things that are worrying. A version of the old adage seems appropriate: just because you're insecure, doesn't mean he's not doing anything wrong.

 

He adds random women on facebook. Most people would regard this as totally inappropriate for someone who is in a committed relationship.

 

He seems to be cultivating a relationship with an ex and an ex fling. Again most people would regard this as totally inappropriate and unacceptable. Clearly he is keeping them around as a backup plan.

 

His brother invites him out, why doesn't he ask you to come along too? It seems that his brother is not a friend of your relationship, and is trying to sabotage it. And your BF is happy to go along with that.

 

He may be "secure" enough to go to events on his own but why would he want to? Why aren't you invited too? It has nothing to do with whether he's secure or not, it's to do with the fact that he is half of a couple so why wouldn't he want you to come too?

 

Spending so little time together, after 8 months of dating, seems pretty poor. It shows that you are not much of a priority in his life. Sure being a medical student is hard and his free time is very limited, but still, once a week is minimal effort. Being a medical student is hard, but dating one is hard too! You mention this is your first relationship, I think getting involved with a medical student you dove in at the deep end.

 

It seems to me that he's not prioritising you or your relationship in his life. He sees you as weekend material, and your relationship as a part-time casual one. Maybe because he genuinely hasn't got time for more, or because he chooses it, but either way it's clear that you're looking for more commitment and time investment than he can (or wants to) give.

Edited by PegNosePete
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No no no. The only thing you've got wrong is not knowing when to walk away from a relationship which doesn't meet your needs.

 

Flick him. And learn to trust your gut.

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I don't know that you have a "disorder." If I recall, you posted something similar when it came to this guy awhile ago, his time, and his friends, and you felt very inadequate. It looks like not much has changed, and there are a lot of red flags emanating from him. Granted, you carry some fault because you seem to have gotten lost in him. You have sacrificed some of your friends, family, and interests in order to have some extra time with him, but he is not doing the same. It seems very unbalanced. While it's normal to blow off other interests in order to make time with a partner, it shouldn't be all the time and one-sided. After 8 months, one would think your lives would be blending more, which means less choosing between one or the other.

 

We have a brother who wants to spend time with his brother, alone - normal. The brother, however, has made it clear he is not fond of you, and your BF is happy to go along instead of putting his foot down or inviting you. You are not a priority. Then on brother outings, there's picking up of women? Adding these women to social media? No and no. Just not good. He looks down on you, or that's how he makes you feel - another red flag. Keeping in touch with old flames and flings is yet another.

 

Does he attend events with you and your friends/family? How does he behave in these environments?

 

Yes, I agree with the above post, "Just because you're insecure, doesn't mean he's not doing anything wrong." It seems that his behaviors have cultivated this anxiety in you.

 

Your To-Do list is perfect: Concentrate on your interests, friends, family, hobbies, and stop losing yourself in the bread crumbs this guy tosses you once in awhile. I can't say this is purposeful or conscious, but he likes having you around when he wants you around, but you are not a priority.

 

You'll end up as a well-balanced, better you.

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I'm going to focus on the attachment theory part since you've identified your own style. (Question, did you take one of the on-line tests to get that assessment?)

 

If you are anxious-preoccupied, it is likely he veers towards avoidant. And a lot of the things you describe about your relationship makes it sound like he is. He sets the pace, chose a career that distracts him away from attachment. So, while you may be anxious, you have to realize that he may be avoidant.

 

The literature on attachment style says that often time, avoidants pair up with preoccupied because they "balance" each other out, even as they then end up in a relationship that isn't satisfying to either.

 

Right now, it reads as though, in true preoccupied style, you want to take the full blame for the issues in the relationship. You're beating yourself up.

 

But what you want to do is get to secure. And secure isn't: "I will change myself so this relationship will work". Secure is: "I will make sure I communicate my needs, I will seek a partner who supports me, I will offer support in return." In short, I will make sure the relationship improves (and not, I will be in an unhappy relationship where we try to figure out who's to blame for our dissatisfaction).

 

If you can, read " Attached: the new science of adult relationships". They stress a lot great communication styles and can help you gain clarity on both your and his behaviour.

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MajesticUnicorn

Omg.

 

Maybe you do have some attachment anxiety/jealousy issues, but there are some things that he is doing in your relationship that any girl would not be okay with...

 

-Staying in contact with exes/old sexual encounters: that should be a major red flag. He should have no reason to keep them on social media. Sure maybe Facebook friends (as long as they aren't in contact), but Snapchat?? I would not be okay with that, especially the girl trying to contact him.

 

-Adding random girls on Facebook: again he should have no reason to need or want to do this. Maybe if the girl is a mutual friend of someone or a classmate or whatever, but randos he's only met a few times or doesn't know? Weird.

-Not inviting you to events and people being surprised he has a girl friend: what the heck?? Good for him for being independent I guess? But I would not be okay with this. Sure maybe you don't need to tagalong to every outing he has, but I would expect invites to major events like weddings and birthdays. And I would not be okay with people acting surprised he has a gf...

 

-Not spending time with you: you deserve more than one night a week. I get that he is busy...but that's not an excuse. People who want to spend time together will find a way. Even if it's a 20 minute coffee date in the morning. Even you said that he lives 5 minutes away. As your boyfriend, he should be spending more time with you. Of course having outings with his friends and classmates is fine too, but it doesn't seem like he is making you a priority in your life.

 

As far as the things you want to work on, I think that's great. Do take time to focus on yourself, your hobbies, your friends and family. Don't drop everything to be with him, he clearly doesn't treat you the same way. And I'm sorry I get that he is in med school but you still deserve to be treated better. I'm not saying that you need to dump him or that you're not in the wrong at all, but know that there is some validity in these doubts you are having about him. Do not let him convince you into thinking this is a you being insecure problem. Because it's not. Those are some major red flags.

You are treating him like a priority, when he is putting you on the backburner. Not okay.

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You don't have some type of attachment disorder. This boyfriend of yours is just not that interested in taking you or your relationship seriously.

 

No wonder you're anxious. Most people would be, if they were dating a guy who just wasn't that into them.

 

EDIT: I read your other threads. This guy is a little punk. What are you still doing with him?

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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