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4 dates and then crash and burn?


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Old 9th October 2017, 2:15 PM   #1
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4 dates and then crash and burn?

I went out with this guy (mentioned in a previous thread) I met on tinder. Pretty standard story. What's not standard is he [seemed] to be really into me, and claimed he wanted a relationship, not hookups anymore, from tinder.

He's doing clinical rotations for school so he knew from the moment he met me I would be 2-4 hours away for most of his rotations. I figured this meant when he moved 2 weeks ago to his next site, that would be it. Instead, he kissed me at the car after our 3rd date the day he was moving, and asked when he'd get to see me again. I was surprised and then asked if he was willing to drive the 2 hours to come see me, and he said yes, he'd come up on weekends because he and his cohort come up here pretty frequently anyhow, and he hates the city he's based in for school.

I was in his city for something on Thursday (which I often do), and we went out to dinner and a great time and then came back and things got heated but I'm not ready to have sex with him yet (testing+I really want to make sure he's interested and doesn't just want sex), and so things only got so far and then I left. I thought maybe he'd be mad over the no sex on a 4th date thing, but he texted me on the way home, and all of Friday morning (normal). Then...he goes radio silent. Not a word. This is unusual, because he texts me all day every day.

Saturday...nothing. I asked Saturday afternoon if something was wrong. He said "I'm just confused". I called him, and he said, "I don't think this is the time for me to start something with rotations. I'll be 4 hours awake next month. Then I've got 2 rotations out of state." I was like, "That's fair I understand, I don't think there's anything left to say." And then he goes, "Wait, where does that leave us? Can we still have dinner or coffee when I'm in town. We seem to have a really good time when we're having a meal or together." Since then, not a word.

I'm not surprised he didn't want to do distance. What I'm surprised by is how he acted like he was fine with it for the last month, was making really awkward wedding jokes, and telling me this was "going somewhere", and then suddenly goes from nonstop to dropping off the map in one day. He's texted me good morning every day since we started talking. And then Friday afternoon he just disappeared. Any guesses why this happened? Did I do something that made him less interested (ie being slow about sex)? Or does it sound more likely he met a chick in the city he's in on tinder, or kindled something with one of his classmates when they all reunited last week after the most recent rotations?

He does have a rotation for a month in my city in April.

Last edited by Cam1; 9th October 2017 at 2:24 PM..
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Old 9th October 2017, 2:27 PM   #2
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Something that has nothing to do with you happened. An ex or a former crush got back in touch. When things go from 100 to zero, 9 times out of 10 it's another woman.
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Old 9th October 2017, 2:34 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Cam1 View Post
I went out with this guy (mentioned in a previous thread) I met on tinder. Pretty standard story. What's not standard is he [seemed] to be really into me, and claimed he wanted a relationship, not hookups anymore, from tinder.

Then came back and things got heated but I'm not ready to have sex with him yet (testing+I really want to make sure he's interested and doesn't just want sex), and so things only got so far and then I left. [/B]


I'm not surprised he didn't want to do distance. What I'm surprised by is how he acted like he was fine with it for the last month, was making really awkward wedding jokes, and telling me this was "going somewhere", [
Come on, people!!! This is game. Do we believe everything we hear now? His actions don't match up with his words. He doesn't want a hook up, but trying to get it in before he knows you/you guys are together. It's pretty obvious he wanted a fling but it was taking too much effort. He got tired of waiting for sex.

I think you should date guys closer if you want a serious rship.
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Old 9th October 2017, 2:35 PM   #4
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What I'm surprised by is how he acted like he was fine with it for the last month, was making really awkward wedding jokes, and telling me this was "going somewhere", and then suddenly goes from nonstop to dropping off the map in one day.
It's actually common. Sometimes people get caught up in the moment and start to fast forward. It could be due to the initial stage of excitement of meeting someone they like. Or sometimes people future fake to get you interested and hooked. People tell you what you want to hear to get what they want.

This is why you don't get caught up too much with words in the beginning.
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Old 9th October 2017, 5:03 PM   #5
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There are a lot of guys that do the, there should be sex by the 3rd or 4th date. It didn't happen so he's moved on. Some guys want to see if the sex is good enough for them to further invest his time. The OP wanted emotional connection before having sex. It's not a match, simple as that. Two very different dating styles.
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Old 9th October 2017, 5:07 PM   #6
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wrong spot
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Old 11th October 2017, 11:51 AM   #7
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Something that has nothing to do with you happened. An ex or a former crush got back in touch. When things go from 100 to zero, 9 times out of 10 it's another woman.
This actually what I feel like is the most likely in this case. It makes the most sense. How he could go from everything to nothing literally in the span of hours.

I also feel like if this is the case, there will be a resurfacing and a lame explanation in a month or two, when it doesn't pan out with her.
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Old 11th October 2017, 12:49 PM   #8
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There are a lot of guys that do the, there should be sex by the 3rd or 4th date. It didn't happen so he's moved on. Some guys want to see if the sex is good enough for them to further invest his time. The OP wanted emotional connection before having sex. It's not a match, simple as that. Two very different dating styles.
This right here.

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of it as well. If I'm really into somebody, I look at sex as the next step in strengthening the relationship that I have with a woman. If we've failed to reach that next level in the relationship after 4-5 dates or so then I start to wonder just how much she's actually into me and if we're on the same page. It can make me "confused" as well if I feel like I'm getting mixed signals - where she gives every indication that she finds me desirable, but then shuts down my attempts to get physically intimate.

It's just two different approaches to dating. Neither one is wrong, but if you're wanting to hold out until you're certain about the guy then you'll want to be with somebody who can respect that. If they're really into you, they'll wait. Despite what I said above, I've waited as well, particularly if the woman told me exactly why she was waiting. Every guy can be patient when he feels that it's worth the wait. You did nothing wrong.
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Old 11th October 2017, 1:58 PM   #9
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I agree with Smackie--he was fishing for sex and since you're not having it, he decided to drop bait elsewhere. Someone will bite by the 4th date.

Besides, do you actually want to hold on waiting for him to come back to town 6 months from now? You could have met someone new who is willing to be what you want and they're local.
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Old 11th October 2017, 2:03 PM   #10
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This right here.

Unfortunately, I have been guilty of it as well. If I'm really into somebody, I look at sex as the next step in strengthening the relationship that I have with a woman. If we've failed to reach that next level in the relationship after 4-5 dates or so then I start to wonder just how much she's actually into me and if we're on the same page. It can make me "confused" as well if I feel like I'm getting mixed signals - where she gives every indication that she finds me desirable, but then shuts down my attempts to get physically intimate.

I've waited as well, particularly if the woman told me exactly why she was waiting. Every guy can be patient when he feels that it's worth the wait. You did nothing wrong.
I'd never done anything to completely shut him down though. I had bene clear in explaining to him I wait until after testing, and also until i'm sure we know each other better and there's genuinely something there. That doesn't mean I shut him down physically. There was no sex but that doesn't mean there wasn't other things...

I would have been very into the idea of sex after another 1-2 dates.
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Old 11th October 2017, 2:55 PM   #11
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Don't let any guy tell you that you ought to have sex by the 4th date or expect to get dumped. That is absolutely ridic and not even how interested men looking for rships work. xD Yea I can attest that doesn't happen

If you go about it like that you'll just become another person on here confused about the p*mp and dump. You made the right decision to wait with this one...

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Old 11th October 2017, 3:30 PM   #12
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I'd never done anything to completely shut him down though. I had bene clear in explaining to him I wait until after testing, and also until i'm sure we know each other better and there's genuinely something there. That doesn't mean I shut him down physically. There was no sex but that doesn't mean there wasn't other things...
I would have been very into the idea of sex after another 1-2 dates.
Look, it's not just about sex. Most women just float through dating with this belief that they are a Fortune 500 company interviewing candidates. They never sell themselves or make much of an effort to give the guy a reason to emotionally invest.

This guy clearly has a bright future. If he is even moderately good looking then he has no issue at all getting women. If he bounces it's because you did not sell yourself well. Sex is probably the worst way to get a guy to care about you and want to be with you. Moving slowly on that is probably a good idea.

When I date a woman I am looking at much more than just sex. Attitude, lifestyle, how she treats me, how she treats others, her life goals, her fitness habits... and most importantly... Is She Fun to talk to! Does this make sense?
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Old 6th November 2017, 8:27 AM   #13
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Update: Guess who's back

Update. ONE MONTH LATER:
I haven't heard so much as a word from the guy in the original post. I went on a solo backpacking trip a few weeks ago (which he knew about before he vanished), and like everyone else, I sent him maybe 2-3 snapchats while I was on the trip. I could see he opened them, right away, and never responded. I haven't really cared.

Saturday morning, bright and early: I get a text from him, that is just a pic of his dog, with no words. I responded with "Aw" and that's it. When it was clear that wasn't starting a conversation, he wrote me again that afternoon, "How was europe?" I curt and finally cut the sh!$ and asked him why he's texting me. His response? "I've missed talking to you." THEN WHY DID YOU VANISH? He claimed he stopped talking because he 'thought I was mad' the last time we talked (um, no, you were just ending things with me, I was pretty polite). I feel like that excuse is bull.

He claimed he hasn't been hooking up with or seeing anyone for the last month, and has just been super busy with his rotation (which just ended this week, and he's now packing and moving and preparing for the next). Him: "I'm sorry, I'm just in an super bad situation. I liked you."

I'm not really sure what the point of him reaching out to me now to text me about stupid things would be? Thoughts--Did his hookup he's not admitting to end, or is he just bored now because his rotation is over and he's hoping for entertainment until the next one begins? This ruins our "I didn't put out, so he got OUT" hypothesis. I still believe the "im busy" is rubbish-- no matter how busy, you would still keep seeing someone if you were truly interested. No matter how busy.
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Last edited by Cam1; 6th November 2017 at 9:11 AM..
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Old 6th November 2017, 10:38 AM   #14
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Don't believe his crap. An interested man is a man that doesn't hesitate to contact you and wants to see you. A month of silence? screw him.

I have to say tho.....why are you even sending him pics? It's over, block/delete/move on.
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Old 6th November 2017, 2:12 PM   #15
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Don't believe his crap. An interested man is a man that doesn't hesitate to contact you and wants to see you. A month of silence? screw him.

I have to say tho.....why are you even sending him pics? It's over, block/delete/move on.
That's just it--his silence makes no sense, and then his re emergence for no reason. If anything, he's moved 2 hours further away now.

And I was standing in front of stonehenge. It was hard to not send a pic to every human I've ever met. Besides, it was just a snapchat.
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