She wants to wait until marriage for sex

[Depressed24]

Hey everyone. I've just made an account here and want to share my plight which has been worrying me for the past few months.

So I've been dating this girl for more than 3 and a half years. She is my first and the only girlfriend I've had till date. And I love her to the core. And I really would want to spend the rest of my life with her.

But the issue is we haven't had sex till date. We reached base 3 within 8 months of our relationship, which kind of gave me the expectation that we might have sex soon after. That "soon after" has almost been stretched to 3 years now. And it has reached the point where I'm getting really depressed about it.

Some of you'll might be wondering if I love her so much, what's my problem with waiting. Before I was dating I was a typical naughty guy, I used to fantasize about sex with every girl I liked. I know that's no excuse for being desperate about it, but it pains me to not share that moment with someone I love so much. It has pushed me to the stage where I feel like thinking about other women sexually while being in this relationship.

I'm really in a bad place right now and need some advice. Should I wait? If yes, then how?

(P.S. - it might take me further 2-3 years to get financially settled to even think about marriage)

[newmoon]

did she tell you before starting to date that she was planning to wait?

[Depressed24]

did she tell you before starting to date that she was planning to wait?

 

No she did not, and every now and then she expresses how she is tempted to have it. But if asked seriously, she doesn't want to have it claiming she isn't ready until I'm financially settled.

[stillafool]

Does she expect you to wait until marriage to have sex also? If not,.....

[The Urbanyst]

If you are this miserable then she clearly isn't "the one".

 

To be honest, I really don't believe in "the one". I think its Hollywood nonsense. But for the sake of argument.. she is not "the one".

 

Any relationship where both people are not on the same page will DIE. Slow or fast is up do you, but it will be a road to hell either way.

 

You should cut your losses. Tell her you are not on the same page and find someone who is.

 

I doubt you will follow this advice, but I'm putting in out there away. Good luck.

[LivingWaterPlease]

If the two of you don't have the same values it could be a problem later on during the marriage. Have you both really thought about values you hold dear?

 

There will be many situations that arise in your marriage other than sexual boundaries that you'll face together that will need to be decided based on your values and hers.

 

If you do end up having sex be sure that she's doing it because she feels she's ready rather than to do it just to please you or it could really present problems in your relationship and marriage.

[basil67]

The only solution I can see is to marry earlier. There's no reason you can't marry and work towards financial security at the same time.

[central]

Is she financially secure? If not, then she has a double standard and is using you. In your shoes, I'd ditch her now and find someone else with more compatible values. My thinking is that she'll continue to manipulate you with sex after you're married - if you get much at all, even then.

[newmoon]

No she did not, and every now and then she expresses how she is tempted to have it. But if asked seriously, she doesn't want to have it claiming she isn't ready until I'm financially settled.

maybe she's worried about becoming pregnant and if you're not financially secure that would be an issue. you don't want to force her into something obviously, but after 3 years you should be able to express to her how you feel, the frustration and etc. it could be that your values just do not align any longer with hers, and it could be time for a break and seeing other people?

[angel.eyes]

This isn't rocket science. Either you respect her values and wait until you get married, or you break up and go find someone who shares your views on extramarital sex. No one is forcing you to do anything.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Is she financially secure? If not, then she has a double standard and is using you. In your shoes, I'd ditch her now and find someone else with more compatible values. My thinking is that she'll continue to manipulate you with sex after you're married - if you get much at all, even then.

 

It's very possible this isn't a manipulation tactic and doesn't mean the lady isn't very sexual and will manipulate by withholding sex after marriage. It just means she believes in not having sex before marriage.

 

From what I've read on LS many people who post here don't hold to this belief. But there are still plenty of people who do believe this way with whom it has nothing to do with manipulation. Sounds to me as if this lady may be one of them. And OP may not be.

 

That is why I suggest, OP, to do some soul searching about the rest of the two of your values. Make sure they all line up as much as possible. There are all kinds of values pertaining to finances, social behaviors, etc., that can cause issues in marriage if they aren't shared by both partners. Just educate yourself as to what hers are and if they align with yours and decide if you're well suited to each other or not.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's very possible this isn't a manipulation tactic and doesn't mean the lady isn't very sexual and will manipulate by withholding sex after marriage. It just means she believes in not having sex before marriage.

 

From what I've read on LS many people who post here don't hold to this belief. But there are still plenty of people who do believe this way with whom it has nothing to do with manipulation. Sounds to me as if this lady may be one of them. And OP may not be.

 

That is why I suggest, OP, to do some soul searching about the rest of the two of your values. Make sure they all line up as much as possible. There are all kinds of values pertaining to finances, social behaviors, etc., that can cause issues in marriage if they aren't shared by both partners. Just educate yourself as to what hers are and if they align with yours and decide if you're well suited to each other or not.

 

Totally agree with you (just attended the wedding of a very, very old virgin!), but this is a looooong time to date with no sex! If they don't share this value, but don't want to get married, this relationship won't work in my opinion.

[LoverOfDance]

@depressed24

 

You don't need to be financially settled to marry someone. You need to be financially stable to start a family but getting married does not necessarily require being financially settled.

 

If you "love her to the core" and you've been together for almost 4 years, I honestly don't see what is stopping you from marrying her.

Edited October 8, 2017 by LoverOfDance

[Shining One]

It's very possible this isn't a manipulation tactic and doesn't mean the lady isn't very sexual and will manipulate by withholding sex after marriage. It just means she believes in not having sex before marriage.

Personally, I think it's manipulative to wait until someone is significantly invested before sharing this information. All of the women I dated who planned on not having sex before marriage were upfront about it. This woman waited years before telling the OP this.

[coolheadal]

Hey everyone. I've just made an account here and want to share my plight which has been worrying me for the past few months.

So I've been dating this girl for more than 3 and a half years. She is my first and the only girlfriend I've had till date. And I love her to the core. And I really would want to spend the rest of my life with her.

But the issue is we haven't had sex till date. We reached base 3 within 8 months of our relationship, which kind of gave me the expectation that we might have sex soon after. That "soon after" has almost been stretched to 3 years now. And it has reached the point where I'm getting really depressed about it.

Some of you'll might be wondering if I love her so much, what's my problem with waiting. Before I was dating I was a typical naughty guy, I used to fantasize about sex with every girl I liked. I know that's no excuse for being desperate about it, but it pains me to not share that moment with someone I love so much. It has pushed me to the stage where I feel like thinking about other women sexually while being in this relationship.

I'm really in a bad place right now and need some advice. Should I wait? If yes, then how?

(P.S. - it might take me further 2-3 years to get financially settled to even think about marriage)

 

This boils down to one thing.. You do not respect or appreciate the fact she doesn't want to have sex with you until you ready to marry and be more financially stable. Why are you in such a rush to have sex with this woman you so truly love so much. If you love her so much can't you wait for the sex. She is not alone so many out there just like her and there are men too. Those who chosen to have sex early teens and up, that's what they did back then. Some waited later on past the 20's or even higher. Some never have sex, some don't even want kids either. If you can't cope with the idea or wish then you are no better then the rest. I learn one thing you better listen to the woman you like, you love so much because she's telling you what she wants and like most men your not listening.. You can't have your way, this is her way or no way. That's it! if you can't deal with that, you can always leave her be and find other women for all sorts of sexual pleasures. But right now you can't hold on to the thought after 3 years no sex.

 

As for your P.S. comment you best make sure you can manage that too for another 3 or 5 years without sex because she's not going to give it to you until you do what she ask you to do!

Edited October 8, 2017 by coolheadal

[LivingWaterPlease]

Personally, I think it's manipulative to wait until someone is significantly invested before sharing this information. All of the women I dated who planned on not having sex before marriage were upfront about it. This woman waited years before telling the OP this.

 

I've gone back over the thread and couldn't find where OP said she waited years to give him this information. Perhaps I missed it. Where did you find that statement, Shining One?

 

OP did she wait years before telling you she didn't want to have sex before marriage? If so, what was the reason she was giving you during those years as the reason she didn't want to have sex?

Edited October 8, 2017 by LivingWaterPlease

[LivingWaterPlease]

Totally agree with you (just attended the wedding of a very, very old virgin!), but this is a looooong time to date with no sex! If they don't share this value, but don't want to get married, this relationship won't work in my opinion.

 

Have to agree with you on this, CO. Long time to date with no sex. Seems to me getting married would solve your issue in the short term, OP, but this is a pretty big issue and seems to me you're at odds with each other on it. In your place I'd take a few steps back and re evaluate the relationship rather than going ahead with marriage, just from what you've shared and as to how it seems to me the two of you differ in your views. After all, even if you go ahead and marry one day you may have children and she may want to rear them to believe it's important not to have sex before marriage whereas it won't matter to you. She may want your support on this when they become teenagers but sounds as if you'd be unable to back her up with the kids. This is just one issue out of many where you may differ that could cause you problems.

 

I wonder if you have the same or differing opinions on other important issues, too?

[Springsummer]

The only solution I can see is to marry earlier. There's no reason you can't marry and work towards financial security at the same time.

 

Exactly......

[LivingWaterPlease]

There is a thread going on now on LS Sexual and Reproductive Health and Practices with a couple who's been married about thirty years and having sexual issues due partly to differences in values and views on important topics many of which are listed toward the end of the thread. It might be helpful for you to read it.

[joseb]

OP, can you please clarify something.

 

Your title says "She wants to wait until marriage for sex" but nowhere in your post do you say that that is the case. Actually, you seem to imply that you two were close a couple of times.

 

Has she actually said "I don't believe in sex before marriage" at any stage?

If so, when did she say this?

Is she a virgin?

[guest569]

You don't need to be financially settled to marry someone. You need to be financially stable to start a family but getting married does not necessarily require being financially settled.

 

OP, would you mind please clarifying this? Has your partner stated that she wants to wait until marriage, or that she wants to wait for financial stability? What exactly does she mean by financial stability? Is it about being secure enough to raise a child? Does she believe in contraception? Are you both employed, secure housing etc? Have you discussed a time line for your future plans together?

 

Have you two discussed your sexual needs/preferences/requirements? I think it would be a good idea to get some clarity on this to make sure that you would be sexually compatible. I think that the above questions should help you to figure out the way forward. Good luck!

[Mike B.]

I have to point out that one of the top reasons if not thee top reason for relationship problems and divorce is financial problems. I think it is a good idea to wait for financial stability before marriage considering this.

[Cersei]

There are not a lot of people who would have stuck around for 3 years like you have.

 

Not saying it is right or wrong but you have been very patient.

[YummySarah92]

I have to point out that one of the top reasons if not thee top reason for relationship problems and divorce is financial problems. I think it is a good idea to wait for financial stability before marriage considering this.

 

Agree with Mike.

 

Don't listen to the posters telling you to get married and work on your financial situation as well. Do you.

[mortensorchid]

I've encountered people like this. Others already asked this question to which the answer was no - she did not tell you this before you two started dating. First strike. Second has either one of you had sex with anyone before you met? I have a feeling the answer is no. What is the reasoning behind this decision? If it's religious beliefs, so be it. But she should have told you this before you got together. And she should have been with someone of the same mindset.

 

I see you are not happy with this set up. Personally, I never understood it. ALL religions frown upon a person having sex before they marry, that's a given. But the reason they do is because that's a creation of man, not the focal point of the major world religion. The notion of repressing your sexuality to do good works is the creation of man, those who do this or are attempting to do this are following what man says, not a religious figure (Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, etc.).