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Great 1 yr relationship...BUT


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Old 5th October 2017, 6:30 PM   #1
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Great 1 yr relationship...BUT

Met this girl just over a year ago, and after dating many girls I finally found "the one" We are living together, renting and saving for a house.

Here's some background to put things in perspective, she is Chinese and came over to marry some guy 4 years ago, leaving a professional career behind. She is university educated, very intelligent, and pretty.
He did the dirty on her, treated her badly, having many affairs, and basically stranded her in an outer suburbs house while they went through separation under the roof, she had a pretty rough time, threatened with being kicked out by his parents (against the law, but she didn't' know that). She had to find some work, and ended up in manual labour that totally didn’t suit her, but she was desperate to get out. She moved out to an inner city apartment, and was a couple months after that we met.

Together we are amazing, we have never fought, only a couple of disagreements that honest open talking resolved.
We get along like we've known each other for years and are comfortable just chilling on the couch watching TV, going out to eat at, going for a drive etc.
The sex is amazing, although as usual the frequency has dropped off remarkably, from daily to a few times a week, but that's OK...seems normal.

OK, great, all perfect right?
weeeell...

I’m not saying anything here is break-up material, we are in love and happy, but I want to get some advice on the basics underlying the relationship.
I didn’t just jump into the first relationship, I dated many girls looking for the right match, and I am sure that I have found that…

But a few things are beginning to build up, and I want advice how best to deal with them.

Firstly:
She tends to complain a lot about me.
Not in a whiny, annoyed way, always with a laugh, like she’s just "having a go"
But it can be relentless.

e.g Took her to the zoo as she loves animals.
Firstly, I didn't have change for the car park, and she told me: "You should be better prepared and have change" Then when I got to the entrance the etickets I bought online hadn't been sent to my email address.
"Why didn't you check first?" "OMG you're so disorganized"

I tried to explain that etickets are normally delivered in minutes, and that some system fault must be to blame. (This was in fact the case) I had to queue to get it sorted (defeating the entire reason to pre-purchase the tickets in the first place!), but in the end after maybe 15 minutes we were in.

Then as we look at the Meerkats, she started complaining about something else (can't remember what, it was trivial) and I said "Hey do you have to complain about everything?"
She seemed to accept that and the rest of the time was fine.

Now that's just an example, please don't take this example as some "Big Thing" that happened, it's just an illustration of our relationship.

I have mentioned this to her in the past, and she has said to me: "Don't get upset if I seem to pick on you sometimes, it's just my manner when I am comfortable with someone.
But it still happens.

I helped her get a divorce settlement from her ex, achieving a decent payout for a short marriage. This well be used as part of the deposit for our house, I am paying all rent and bills and her money is purely to save.

She was working full time in a manual job when we met, and she injured her shoulders performing the work, and had to leave and claim compensation (And yes, this is 100% legit as I have helped her with this whole process, sat in the room as doctors explained her injuries, etc etc). I helped her with this very long drawn and stressful process, achieving a partial settlement that back-paid all her lost wages and previous medical expenses, but will only pay for future expenses until the end of the year.

Part way through this I suggested she start looking for work more suited to her experience, She was very pessimistic about her changes, but on my insistence she did, and in fact she found professional work again, but it’s only part time. She was very happy to have found that and it lifted her mood a lot…

I have helped her with so many things, getting her old flat lease terminated without any penalties, helping her with her divorce, with the injury claim, etc.

But always she doubts my abilities. I admit I do tend to make decision quickly, while she agonies over every detail (Think Chidi from The Good Place, if you watch that show).

So despite successfully helping her in so many ways over the past year, I feel she still doesn’t trust me to do anything without her supervision, if I suggest that something is sorted, she will always check herself, and if something isn’t 100% correct, she will surely tell me allll about it..

Secondly, we have quite different tastes in many things.

Now that’s fine, we aren’t looking for 100% match up on all our hobbies and interests…but:
She doesn’t “get” music, it means nothing to her, she has no “favourite” songs or artists, its simply not a thing in her life, whereas I find music a very important factor in my life. This does mean I can listen to whatever I want whenever I want, but it’s still a missing factor in our relationship.

She doesn’t like my hobby, at all! OK, it’s unusual, I paint fantasy monsters, so it’s not exactly your standard male hobby. At first, she just dismissed it as “kid’s stiff” but lately she has been saying that all the bad monsters in the house are bad karma, and jokingly (or was it?) that they contributed to her health issues.
I got a new car, and it displays album art on the integrated display, I was very happy about that (little things like that bring me joy) and I spent ages getting all the tracks to display appropriate album art, cos that’s just the guy I am.

But while driving she pointed at the album art and said, what’s all these ugly pictures now? The example was Hozier, which for some reason she didn’t like.
Exasperated I changed to another artist, and she asked me if I could turn off the art display altogether! I mean…really!

I basically feel unappreciated, I have done so much to help her, and yet I still feel judged by her whenever anything I organise anything.

So, what do guys think?

Last edited by Smoothman; 5th October 2017 at 6:34 PM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:48 PM   #2
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I think you are a meal ticket & she doesn't respect you.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:49 PM   #3
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Reading this myself, please remember these are a few examples from over a year long relationship, it's hard to take this out of context.
95% of the we are perfect together, just that 5% I think needs advice
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:57 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Smoothman View Post
Reading this myself, please remember these are a few examples from over a year long relationship, it's hard to take this out of context.
95% of the we are perfect together, just that 5% I think needs advice
If 95% of you were perfect together, this forum post wouldn't exist. Firstly it seems you have some kind of rescuer complex, and you've done a lot for her...the question is whether you would have done the same for a male friend or not.

She does not appreciate all of the help, and her complaining is lowering your vibration. If you get a house together, then that ''5%'' will grow, your vibration will slowly dwindle, along with your self esteem.

There is no place for what you describe, no excuse at all. You were quick to make them for her too.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:04 PM   #5
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You moved in too quickly. She's not paying anything now. Even though you got her this "nest egg" when it comes time to pay for this house she's going to challenge your manhood again & suggest you pay for the whole thing, putting it in her name. Just wait. When you balk more of these little digs are going to come out of her mouth.


Buying a house without being married is always a bad plan IMO. If you want to but a house yourself that is a good investment. Let her live in it. Two named only belong on a deed after marriage. It's too hard to sort this stuff out when you break up. I don't have a problem with living together but I waited until marriage to co-mingle the money
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:16 PM   #6
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You moved in too quickly. She's not paying anything now. Even though you got her this "nest egg" when it comes time to pay for this house she's going to challenge your manhood again & suggest you pay for the whole thing, putting it in her name. Just wait.
OMG...that's exactly what happened!

At first she was paying rent and bills, but she left her job, so of course I took over.
But now she not only received the back paid wages, she has started a new job.

However, when i suggested that she should start paying her share again "To allow me to save more for the rest of the deposit"
I got told "If i had a rich boyfriend I wouldn't have to do contribute at all!"

Yeah, I did react back and tell her to never compare me to richer ex's again, and to be honest she hasn't.

She said that she needs the house in her name for her future security, as I have a good job and she doesn't. However, i didn't agree to that, and I won't.
I just let it go as it's still over a year off to save the deposit.

Hmm, I have some thinking to do it seems..
How can i be sure her feelings are real, and she's not just holding on to get a house.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:34 PM   #7
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If you think this chick is the one, I'd hate to meet the ones that weren't.


I don't care if these examples are isolated and over the course of years, the fact is she does not respect you. If a woman does not respect you she will never love you.

I'm sure you are leaps and bounds better than the ex, but she obviously is extremely entitled and a taker.

It can be hard when they are pretty and the sex is great, but you have to look past that for your own long term happiness.

Ask yourself this, do you feel like she's an equal partner? How would she react if you suddenly lost your job? Would she step up to the plate and assume all the bills until you got back on your feet? THAT'S the kind of woman you marry. Not one who berates you in an effort to obliterate your masculinity.

Keep looking bro.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:49 PM   #8
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It sounds like she's taking every opportunity for pot shots. Sounds like a very critical woman that can never be made happy.

Put the house in her name for her security because your job is funding it?! Now that almost made me laugh. No no no no no.

The house should be in your name since you're bankrolling it and when you marry her, if you marry her, then I would add her. Otherwise, you're setting yourself up for a miserable, complicated situation where you will likely get taken advantage of if you break up.

You've done a lot for this woman and it sounds like she goes out of her way to point out what she deems is wrong with you. Find yourself a woman who can see the forest for the trees and appreciates a good man when she's with one.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:51 PM   #9
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If you think this chick is the one, I'd hate to meet the ones that weren't.
OMG, look up yxalitis on these forums...
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I don't care if these examples are isolated and over the course of years, the fact is she does not respect you. If a woman does not respect you she will never love you.

I'm sure you are leaps and bounds better than the ex, but she obviously is extremely entitled and a taker.

It can be hard when they are pretty and the sex is great, but you have to look past that for your own long term happiness.

Ask yourself this, do you feel like she's an equal partner? How would she react if you suddenly lost your job? Would she step up to the plate and assume all the bills until you got back on your feet? THAT'S the kind of woman you marry. Not one who berates you in an effort to obliterate your masculinity.

Keep looking bro.
Hmm...sobering feedback here.
Lots to think about...

Last edited by Smoothman; 5th October 2017 at 7:59 PM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:07 PM   #10
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OMG, look up yxalitis on these forums...


Hmm...sobering feedback here.
Lots to think about...
Think hard dude. Your stories remind me of a recent Asian girl I had dated for about 4 months. She was hot and sex was great but if I had en entitlement meter it would have broke!

As the man I was always on the hook to pay. Her contribution was cooking dinner she wanted to have that I bought! Nothing was ever good enough and she would try to dig me often (I didn't stand for it). Towards the end she started with temper tantrums. It was quite a scene man.

I have a much lower tolerance than you for this stuff but I can see how a guy could fall for her. Not this kid.

Ps: I've dated Asian women who were giving, warm, and caring so it's not to due with them being Asian. Hot chicks in general are like this lol.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:27 PM   #11
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At first things are always dandy and slowly you start seeing their true nature. She is showing you who she is beleive her. She even told you this is how she is when she is used to someone.

I find her to lack respect toward you with a lot of entitlement. The image that came to my mind when I read this is my asian friend parents. Her mother is just a entitled B making her soft-spoken husband' life a living hell.

You have not bought a house yet, it's time to get out. Next time try to control your Batman syndrome.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:43 PM   #12
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Does this woman have any redeeming qualities outside of the superficial stuff that you mentioned such as her looks and sex?

I don't like her, man. I really can't stand her.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:44 PM   #13
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She's in control and your just a doormat, because of her prior abusive husband.
Her behavior will continue and if you put up with this your at blame yourself. I wouldn't stand for this. She's who she is and she making you do what she wants. Media display that should be a hint to what you like but she doesn't like it. Can't please her you know friend. Sometimes you have to let go. This is the time to do it!
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:21 PM   #14
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Does this woman have any redeeming qualities outside of the superficial stuff that you mentioned such as her looks and sex?

I don't like her, man. I really can't stand her.
Well of course there are many things about here that are great, I would hardly have entitled this post "Great relationship" if I didn't think that!

*Sigh, I guess coming here and posting only the negative will give everyone the impressions, well, that are being expressed here.

She is kind and funny, warm hearted and caring, affectionate and loving.
We share love of cats, and have as blended family, who are trying to learn to get along...at least they have stopped hissing at each other now!

As is stated, we get along most of the time like no other person I've had a relationship with, and I've had enough to know, and be comparative about.

I started out the topic saying that these things weren't break-up worthy but you are all jumping onto that band wagon right away.

I didn't want to write a treatise on the entirety of our relationship, I had hoped that my initial comments would be taken in consideration when you formed your responses...but I do understand why that didn't seem to happen.

No I am not gonna give up and just dump her, we are in love, and planning a future together...sorry I didn't make that clearer.

I was asking for advice on how to approach these few concerns I had about her behaviour.

Thanks
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Old 5th October 2017, 9:51 PM   #15
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How old are you 2? Young people have a hard time projecting themselves in the future. Her nagging, complaining, demeaning, will get worse and old as the years go by. Right now she's hot but eventually her good looks won't be enough anymore to ignore her cutting tongue.

No amount of hot sex would be enough for me to live with a complainer that's never satisfied with me.
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