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Old 5th October 2017, 3:25 AM   #1
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Exclamation Boyfriend and his divorce

Hi,

I need advice.

I am with my boyfriend for 11 months. He is going through a divorce. Before we met they were already separated.

He started the proceedings because I kept asking when will it be finished. He doesn't want to talk about it and we fight a lot about his divorce. He keeps me in the dark about his divorce.
He told me he didn't begin the proceedings because he didn't have money. After about six months of dating he went to see a lawyer to begin the divorce.

Yesterday, I snooped trough his phone. I know I musnt snoop, I am not that type of girl!!!

I saw a message on his phone with his ex. He asked her if her boyfriend also want to know about the divorce proceedings. She said yes. He said do you also fight about it. She said yes, that its easy for them (me and the boyfriend) to think the worst about them (boyfriend and ex). He said that its true. I looked further back on the phone and saw that the other time he talked about me with her was also when we fought about the divorce.

I am really hurt because I asked him once to never talk about me with the ex.

What must I do?

Regards
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:24 AM   #2
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all your arguing does it make you look bad, see that?

what happened just before peeping? I do not think snooping is the worst thing, imho

so were you already getting a bad feeling or saw or heard a something that made you need to snoop? why snoop then, when you did?

Last edited by darkmoon; 5th October 2017 at 4:34 AM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:35 AM   #3
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Don't date a separated men, they are never even close to being over their ex wives. Regardless who ended what, regardless if ex is with someone else.

In case you want to hang in there, you will need to stomach a long period of him still having feelings for her, being angry at her and tons of emotions that won't be directed at you. He is unable to fully invest in you while he is still letting go of someone else.

At the moment, despite what he says, despite all the promises, you are a distraction from pain and loneliness of the divorce.

This is ESPECIALLY true in the cases when the wife cheated and that was the reason for ending the marriage. His ego is destroyed and you are kind of a tool for him to get back at her for cheating. Sucks all around for you...
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:06 AM   #4
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You must be patient. Divorces can take a long time & the details of his divorce, especially the financial ones are frankly none of your business.

Some things he should share, like if they have a court date coming up. Beyond that, you need to hush.
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Old 5th October 2017, 6:41 AM   #5
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his ego's destroyed , ahh , he'd probably have a broken heart actually.
did she screw round op , doesn't sound like it if they're still getting along enough to talk about all that.

anyway wondering how long they've actually been separated op ?
lt doesn't sound like it's very long .
And how long were they married ?

Last edited by Chilli; 5th October 2017 at 6:46 AM..
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:24 AM   #6
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Its definitely a risk to date a separated man who has not finalized his divorce.

He is still talking to his ex wife... In fact, he goes to her to talk when he has conflict with you. That's not good.

I hope it works out for you. I'm not sure what I would do except try to stay patient, if you've decided to wait out the divorce.
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Old 5th October 2017, 7:57 AM   #7
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He is bonding with his ex over their dating difficulties.

There's a very good reason we tell people to not date men/women freshly out of relationships, now you witness it.

There is also a very good reason a man wants to delay his divorce, it's because he's hoping deep down he will reconnect with his ex. To me, that's exactly what he's doing by running to her for comfort.

You have no future with this man.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:30 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boeremeisie View Post
Hi,

I need advice.

I am with my boyfriend for 11 months. He is going through a divorce. Before we met they were already separated.

He started the proceedings because I kept asking when will it be finished. He doesn't want to talk about it and we fight a lot about his divorce. He keeps me in the dark about his divorce.
He told me he didn't begin the proceedings because he didn't have money. After about six months of dating he went to see a lawyer to begin the divorce.

Yesterday, I snooped trough his phone. I know I musnt snoop, I am not that type of girl!!!

I saw a message on his phone with his ex. He asked her if her boyfriend also want to know about the divorce proceedings. She said yes. He said do you also fight about it. She said yes, that its easy for them (me and the boyfriend) to think the worst about them (boyfriend and ex). He said that its true. I looked further back on the phone and saw that the other time he talked about me with her was also when we fought about the divorce.

I am really hurt because I asked him once to never talk about me with the ex.

What must I do?

Regards

First off, acknowledge that you are dating a married man. Separated is still legally married and he's reluctant to change his status. If he wanted out of his marriage with her, he'd work 3 jobs to pay for it. People do what is important to them and divorcing his ex (and she him) isn't important to them. Being separated suits the both of them just fine.

Until he comes to you with an executed divorce decree or her death certificate, he's not done being her husband.


Second--acknowledge that you can't control what someone does. If he wants to talk to her or whomever about you, he's going to do it. He already knows how you feel and he doesn't agree with being muzzled.

Third--fighting about the divorce will cause him to contact her and talk about you to her, so if you want to not be the topic of conversation between them, you might want to stop fighting about him divorcing. In fact, you should break up with him until he's got that executed divorce decree or her death certificate in hand. He has no reason, really, to divorce if he hasn't gotten around to it by now. It's been almost a year--he's not going to do it.

I seriously doubt he's filed. Call the county court house and find out if he's filed--it's a public record.
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Old 5th October 2017, 8:40 AM   #9
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Before we met they were already separated.

He started the proceedings because I kept asking when will it be finished.
These two statements do not match. If he had not even started proceedings, then he wasn't separated, right?

I agree with the poster above that said it's a dangerous game to date a separated man who is not actively engaged in finishing the divorce.
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Old 6th October 2017, 4:29 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Chilli View Post
his ego's destroyed , ahh , he'd probably have a broken heart actually.
did she screw round op , doesn't sound like it if they're still getting along enough to talk about all that.

anyway wondering how long they've actually been separated op ?
lt doesn't sound like it's very long .
And how long were they married ?
Whatever is broken, it has nothing to with the new person. It's not fair on them to be led on while he "heals" and "moves on" while actively being in contact with (ex) w beyond children.

There is always an excuse for an unfinished divorce. There is a time frame, like 2 years by when it should be close to finished. 2+ years of separation and not even filed? Nah, he still hopes to work things out.
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Old 6th October 2017, 7:47 AM   #11
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I started dating before my divorce was finalized and I certainly wasn't ready to do so. I was depressed and lonely and basically "self medicated" with dating. It wasn't good for me and it wasn't fair to the women that I dated.

I don't know what your bf's state of mind is but I doubt he's in a good place if he's talking to his "ex" about your fights.

If you choose to stick with the relationship, I would suggest two things. Firstly, confront him about his discussions about you as it's really uncalled for. He needs to approach you about the issues and no one else. Secondly, be patient. My divorce was as clean as possible but it dragged out for awhile because of financial issues and legal proceedings. We took a loan out from her cousin while we were married and I could have ended up owing five thousand dollars (on top of the rest of the money I lost) if she had pushed that in the settlement.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:12 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boeremeisie View Post
Hi,

He doesn't want to talk about it and we fight a lot about his divorce. He keeps me in the dark about his divorce.
Ok, THIS is what bothers me about your post.


I dated a man that was separated and was with him through his divorce. It was NOT an easy thing to do and I absolutely do not recommend it to anyone. He was separated for 10 months, met me, we dated, he filed, got divorced, we got married and have been together for 5 years. This sounds like a happy ending but I tell all of my friends I am the exception to the rule. It was not an easy ride and I tell everyone to learn from my experience and not do it.


The beginning of your relationship should be all hearts and flowers- not worrying about his relationship with his ex. There were times I couldn't be at the house because she was coming to pick up stuff. There were times where he wanted to be alone, like the night he went through their wedding album. And then there was the whole divorce. Theirs was as amicable as they come but that doesn't mean it was easy. Paperwork after paperwork, month after month. Plus there is the pain. The grieving of the loss of a marriage. It doesn't necessarily mean they are still in love, but the shared a life together and now that life is over. Divorce is public failure. You stood in front of all of your friends and family to say "I choose this person" and now.....whoops.


I absolutely love my husband. I'm glad it worked out in my favor but I do not believe this happens often. One big difference I see between me and you is that he was 100% transparent about his divorce. He told me about what was going on and he answered each and every one of my questions- even the ones that made him uncomfortable. I asked who, what, where, why, when over and over. He never once refused to give me an answer. The fact that your guy is keeping you in the dark is a big fat red flag. I would proceed with caution.
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Last edited by Pumpkin008; 6th October 2017 at 8:14 AM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:07 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
Don't date a separated men, they are never even close to being over their ex wives. Regardless who ended what, regardless if ex is with someone else.

In case you want to hang in there, you will need to stomach a long period of him still having feelings for her, being angry at her and tons of emotions that won't be directed at you. He is unable to fully invest in you while he is still letting go of someone else.

At the moment, despite what he says, despite all the promises, you are a distraction from pain and loneliness of the divorce.

This is ESPECIALLY true in the cases when the wife cheated and that was the reason for ending the marriage. His ego is destroyed and you are kind of a tool for him to get back at her for cheating. Sucks all around for you...

This is 100% accurate. 2 years ago I got separated and a year later divorced and I dated shortly after separating. In hindsight I was nowhere near ready to date and I ended up hurting the girl I was with. Yes it was selfish and it was a distraction from everything that was happening. It can take a long time for the person to discover who they are, their wants/needs as an individual after spending years married. Until they are truly independent, emotionally stable and healed you shouldn't date them.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:21 PM   #14
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He turned to his ex because you weren't listening, and were getting difficult about something he wished to keep private. That's why. This is what you get when commit to someone who isn't divorced yet. You have only been dating for 11 months....that's early stages, and you should just be patient or this relationship will implode on itself.

Basically if you don't like what he is doing, end things with him. He's not going to budge one bit, and that's the reality of it.
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Old 6th October 2017, 12:32 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boeremeisie View Post
Hi,

I need advice.

I am with my boyfriend for 11 months. He is going through a divorce. Before we met they were already separated.

He started the proceedings because I kept asking when will it be finished. He doesn't want to talk about it and we fight a lot about his divorce. He keeps me in the dark about his divorce.
He told me he didn't begin the proceedings because he didn't have money. After about six months of dating he went to see a lawyer to begin the divorce.

Yesterday, I snooped trough his phone. I know I musnt snoop, I am not that type of girl!!!

I saw a message on his phone with his ex. He asked her if her boyfriend also want to know about the divorce proceedings. She said yes. He said do you also fight about it. She said yes, that its easy for them (me and the boyfriend) to think the worst about them (boyfriend and ex). He said that its true. I looked further back on the phone and saw that the other time he talked about me with her was also when we fought about the divorce.

I am really hurt because I asked him once to never talk about me with the ex.

What must I do?

Regards
You can't do anything with him he's still legally married to his wife they're not ex yet. Separated just means they're still legally married but not living together. He has excuses about the divorce so you're going out with a married man no matter what his legal status is! He's is a married man going through a divorce. These can take up to 2 years to get finalized. But if he wants too. To me their marriage is still active but it's open door one. Yep he keeps in contact with her and she gives him advise and talk about who they're seeing while married still but living with the fornicated partners like you and wife has her own fornicated partner. These people are still legally married so that's it. What should you do either you say "I letting my self out the door of this so call non-relationship with a married man who still contacts his married wife for advise! See ya never ever again! That's what I would do and wouldn't even be with a women who was married! I tried that 3 times and it ends up with the same BS excuse (had to stop proceedings for the divorce because of money, but always still in contact with the married spouse no matter what) Once he came over with a bottle of bubbly for us 3. Yep who the heck wants that, not me! I let myself out of her life and never returned.
Another one I forced her back to her 30 year marriage and 10 years of separation to her husband this week.. No love but I told her I don't want this, no hope or future she and him kept talking about me on the phone. It Sucks! Can't be friends with these sort of married people just give up and move on my dear, it's the best move to make, otherwise if you stay your not going to be happy with him and his married wife in the background!
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Last edited by coolheadal; 6th October 2017 at 12:35 PM..
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