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My gut says run, based only on the totality of circumstances


Thatoneguy55

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Thatoneguy55

So I am in a new relationship (2 months) with a younger woman (33 v 23). I am not an insecure man, but I am also experienced enough to know when something doesn't feel right. Let's just say that if I was on the outside looking in on this situation, I know what I advice I would give a fellow LS member. But as we all can attest to, it is never as easy to appraise our own relationships in such a clinical manner. I can already predict what some of the 2-sentence responses will be, but I will appreciate all posts that go beyond "You're being paranoid" or "she's getting side-D".

 

I understand that the fact that I am posting this so soon is not a good sign, but I can chalk some of that up to me being an over-thinker.

 

There isn't a single issue/red-flag that by itself causes me concern. However, when I actually stop and add them all up, my gut tells me that I am ignoring the principle of Occam's Razor. My instinct isn't telling me she is cheating, she is using me for something, or that she is crazy. It is only telling me that something is off.

 

I want to be as fair as possible, so I will list the things that make me uncomfortable, as well as the things that would seem to counter that instinct. I am not asking for validation on each individual negative item. As I have said, I realize that each one in isolation can be completely normal and healthy. It is the sum of the parts that leads me to believe I am being naive and am on the road to looking like a fool.

 

 

 

Negative: (according only to my previous experience/gut)

 

- Secretive about personal life outside of us

 

- Parts of her back-story do not add up (timing of previous relationships, living situation)

 

- Have not been invited to see where she lives

 

- Having not met any of her friends/family yet (which is fine, its 2 months), there is no external source of information outside of what she tells me

 

- We are together Friday-Sunday. During the week, there is no effort to text a "good night", "good morning", "what are you up to, etc". She has called me 3 times in 2 months, and two were to help me find my phone in my room

 

- She always sets her phone down face down. Despite being an aesthetically stunning young girl with a ton of friends, the person calling is always "her sister" or "don't know who that was!" I'm not the guy who looks or cares who someone I trust is texting, but suspicious behavior I do take note of.

 

- She never asks what I am up to outside of our pattern of weekend together-time. It feels like something beyond just trust and space and confidence.

 

- She has never initiated time together. Not a single random sleep over, night together, lunch

 

- Has never once mentioned hanging out with her friends, which I find it hard to believe she has not done so in 2 months. Again, it the complete lack of communication on this that bothers me, not that she has a social life. Not even a "hey I went and grabbed sushi with the girls or guy friends" or anything of that nature. Just silence.

 

 

 

 

Counters:

 

 

- I have no solid reason to believe she has been untruthful about any one single statement/claim

 

- She has made our relationship known to her 5,000+ social media orbiters and her sister, which I guess is a big deal to some people.

 

- Every single time I have invited her to an activity, she has accepted

 

- She is not at all flaky. If she says she will be somewhere/do something together, she will be there.

 

- She, like me, is exhausted after working late every night. I know she gets home around 8-9PM and has to get up at 6:00AM to get back to work on time

 

 

 

 

 

I like her a lot, beyond her beauty. I just keep feeling as if there are only two options with no middle-ground here. Either I am in my head and am actually more insecure than I admit, and she is as great as she appears, or I am a gigantic fool who is ignoring universally accepted red-flags because she is intelligent, beautiful, and I am thinking with the wrong head.

 

 

Do your worst LS! :o

Edited by Thatoneguy55
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Take your time. When I read that she is 23. I feel that is too young an age to settle down.

 

Time to have some deeper conversations about what her aspirations are. That will give you a base of where you should be with her in the long run.

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You are together friday-sunday for two months, and you have never been to her place? is their a reason for that?

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Thatoneguy55
Take your time. When I read that she is 23. I feel that is too young an age to settle down.

 

Time to have some deeper conversations about what her aspirations are. That will give you a base of where you should be with her in the long run.

 

 

I appreciate the response, but this isn't about trying to pin someone down, I am not the rushing type. I've never been engaged, married, etc, intentionally.

 

There is a perceived disconnect between actions and words on my end, and I am just looking for input since I am too far into the forest to see the trees on this one.

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Thatoneguy55
You are together friday-sunday for two months, and you have never been to her place? is their a reason for that?

 

She lives about 40min away and I am closer to our office. I have a house, she lives with her sister. I actually have no reason to go out that way, but it is again the lack of it ever being an option that is strange.

 

She is either embarrassed about the area she lives in, or there is something that she doesn't want me to know.

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Unless you guys have talked exclusivity, she isn't cheating.

 

If she hasn't been milking you for cash constantly, she probably isn't using you (though always best to keep an eye out)

 

And if she's not acting crazy, she probably isn't, though ive been fooled for a couple of months so...

 

I guess I'm saying if you are not overly worried about pinning her down or having an exclusive ltr, then I'd just enjoy it for what it is, and see where it goes.

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I think you've some valid causes for concern but they could be alleviated her subtle conversation steers with her.

 

I notice you said 'our office' there. Do you work in the same office?

 

How about ring her randomly one week day evening, see what she's getting up-to, have a casual 5 minute chat, and suggest doing something another weed day evening.

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I would agree with one of the above posters, just relax and see where this goes. You're not interested in anything more than it is right now as far as being exclusive or in a relationship. It's only been two months. I'm not really seeing any red flags. Unless she's lying about her schedule, it doesn't sound like she has time to see other people. Unless she tells you about going out with her friends after work and seems to have a lot of time for them, I wouldn't worry too much about the weeknight situation. It sounds exhausting, and she's with you on her free time. She's with you all weekend. Does this bother you that she doesn't seem to have any interests outside of you and she's around all weekend, every weekend?

 

You live alone in a nice house close to work. She has a 45 minute commute, which translates to 1-1/2 hours round trip, 2-3 hours if she goes home, gets ready, then comes back to your place. Gas $. She lives with her sister, you live alone - which would you prefer? I've dated men with strict roommate rules regarding bringing people home - you have to be dating awhile. No random women/men coming over all the time. Maybe she's embarrassed her place isn't as nice as yours and you'll be judgmental about it.

 

Why do you need to know her past relationship history in such detail? Is it really relevant? Unless she's a serial cheater and what's the term, branch swinger (?), I really don't see how it's relevant.

 

Two months may be too soon in her mind to blend you in with her family. It could even scare a new relationship partner away. I have invited rather new relationships to family things, my sis and aunt, more friends of similar ages, but it has been declined due to being too soon. Maybe her family is strange and she doesn't want to throw you to the wolves just yet.

 

A majority of calls I get are from unknown numbers, and beyond that, it's my sister or kids most of the time. I would be a bit sketchy of the phone call situation or texts, but unless she's sneaking off for a call or text, I don't know that this should be reason for concern. She gets home around 9 and has to be up again at around 6, so I'm not sure where she'd have time for much else besides sleep and trying to keep up with some basic chores and laundry.

 

At this stage, you're just getting out of the honeymoon phase, so things might start to take a more serious turn, and you'll really start getting to know each other. I would see where this goes. You'll want to bring up some of these things that are bothering you and see what she has to say and see if she makes any changes.

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Schedule your next date & offer to go pick her up. In 2 months I can't believe you never picked her up & thus never learned about where she lives.

 

Has she met your friends? Do you ever do group stuff with them like get together in a bar to watch Sunday football or something? Invite her to something like that in a public place & invite her to bring along her sister & some friends. I would think her GFs would be anxious to meet her new, older, mysterious man. They have to be as curious about you as you are to them.

 

Don't get hung up about the texts. Not everybody is glued to their phone.

 

If you want her to call you more, tell her that. She might think you are supposed to lead because you are older & wiser. She may be holding back trying to appear more sophisticated, that she's not some kid chasing you.

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ChatroomHero

It's 2 months, no real need to worry. After two months it's not like a younger girl like that is going to put her heart and entire life story on her sleeve for you. When you're having fun and not looking to get married, you do things like keep things to yourself.

 

 

She may be embarrassed where she lives, she may have tons of guys after her, she may be flirting etc. But if she did, it sounds like she spends a good deal of her free time with you and when you call she is available, so I can't imagine her having an incredibly busy social life. If she did there would be a lot of cancellations and "I'm busy tonight" responses.

 

 

Either you have the conversation or give it time and enjoy it. I'd at least give it another few months before taking it too seriously.

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Have you looked her up online? Not just what she let you know she has, actual looking up? You could find that she owns a house with a husband for example. Not saying she does, but if I were you I’d find more about her that way and see if things check out. I think she is hiding something, maybe kids?

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It's only two months.....she prob wants to see where this goes before she lets you know more about her life. Not everyone dives right into a relationship.

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If there is one thing I feel strongly about when it comes to dating it is the fact that if women are really feeling you, they want to introduce you to their friends and family rather quick. I have found this to be a very strong feature of dating women. Within two months, they want you going to weddings, holiday family dinners, etc., in my experience.

 

I am not saying that she is up to no good but she is an exception to how things usually go down when dating a woman for 2 months. She may simply be hiding something that she is ashamed of...This is what happened in my last relationship. A lot of similar signs that you described above occurred and she was hoding something she was ashamed of...

 

 

You got a 23 year old hot woman who is 10 years younger than you. I really would just enjoy this for what it is and not expect marriage or anything. Just see where it goes.

Edited by Mike B.
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Thatoneguy55
Schedule your next date & offer to go pick her up. In 2 months I can't believe you never picked her up & thus never learned about where she lives.

 

Has she met your friends? Do you ever do group stuff with them like get together in a bar to watch Sunday football or something? Invite her to something like that in a public place & invite her to bring along her sister & some friends. I would think her GFs would be anxious to meet her new, older, mysterious man. They have to be as curious about you as you are to them.

 

Don't get hung up about the texts. Not everybody is glued to their phone.

 

If you want her to call you more, tell her that. She might think you are supposed to lead because you are older & wiser. She may be holding back trying to appear more sophisticated, that she's not some kid chasing you.

 

 

You'll have to trust me when I say that picking her up makes no sense based on the geographic locations of our office and homes.

 

I am not really hung up on any one of those things I am being tarred/feathered for as suspected, it is easy to attack and dismiss them one at a time. My concern is when I sit down and put them all together.

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Thatoneguy55
If there is one thing I feel strongly about when it comes to dating it is the fact that if women are really feeling you, they want to introduce you to their friends and family rather quick. I have found this to be a very strong feature of dating women. Within two months, they want you going to weddings, holiday family dinners, etc., in my experience.

 

I am not saying that she is up to no good but she is an exception to how things usually go down when dating a woman for 2 months. She may simply be hiding something that she is ashamed of...This is what happened in my last relationship. A lot of similar signs that you described above occurred and she was hoding something she was ashamed of...

 

 

You got a 23 year old hot woman who is 10 years younger than you. I really would just enjoy this for what it is and not expect marriage or anything. Just see where it goes.

 

 

100% agree. And I'm starting to think that I do realize all of this, and I am trying to look for the ejection seat prior to investing any more time/energy/etc and possibly getting hurt. I have pulled that move previously, and later learned it was the absolute right decision, as hard as it was at first.

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MajesticUnicorn

Is she getting money or gifts out of you? Not to sound accusing, just merely curious.

 

It does sound like she could be hiding something...what that is, it's hard to say.

 

But like above posters have said, are you expecting a serious relationship with someone who is 23 when you are 33? Coming from someone who is 23, yes I do tend to date older guys but I wouldn't seriously see myself dating someone 30 or older. Sure that may be a generalization...but maybe that helps you gain some perspective.

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Thatoneguy55
Is she getting money or gifts out of you? Not to sound accusing, just merely curious.

 

It does sound like she could be hiding something...what that is, it's hard to say.

 

But like above posters have said, are you expecting a serious relationship with someone who is 23 when you are 33? Coming from someone who is 23, yes I do tend to date older guys but I wouldn't seriously see myself dating someone 30 or older. Sure that may be a generalization...but maybe that helps you gain some perspective.

 

I am fairly successful, and anyone who is with me generally has a good time without having to worry about chipping in. I rarely out-right buy gifts, as that seems strange to me, but I do like to travel, eat well, etc with my girlfriend. I'm probably spending far too much on activities, the amount would probably not go over well here.

 

I don't think the age thing is even a thing for her or us, but it could be. At this point I'll listen to any any all hypothesis, since I can't put my finger on it.

Edited by Thatoneguy55
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If there is one thing I feel strongly about when it comes to dating it is the fact that if women are really feeling you, they want to introduce you to their friends and family rather quick. I have found this to be a very strong feature of dating women. Within two months, they want you going to weddings, holiday family dinners, etc., in my experience.

 

I am not saying that she is up to no good but she is an exception to how things usually go down when dating a woman for 2 months. She may simply be hiding something that she is ashamed of...This is what happened in my last relationship. A lot of similar signs that you described above occurred and she was hoding something she was ashamed of...

 

 

You got a 23 year old hot woman who is 10 years younger than you. I really would just enjoy this for what it is and not expect marriage or anything. Just see where it goes.

 

I can vouch for that. I will dump a girl if she hasnt introduced me or invited me anywhere within 3 months. My ex is a great example of this. Well said mate!

How would OP feel if he knew she had invited previous guys she had dated home after a few weeks etc? How would he feel if the next guy she dates after him shes inviting to weddings and dinners etc?? Who will be the laughing stock? Who will be humiliated and disrespected? You!!! It happened to me. Ul be a loser. U must dump her man before she screws u over

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GunslingerRoland

I don't really know what to think. I'm a firm believer in relationships being the merging of two peoples lives. Not just chopping off a chunk of free time for the two people to separate from their regular lives, and spend time together. However you have only been together 2 months, so it isn't really concerning that you aren't at that point yet.

 

I think it's a good sign that she's announced your relationship on social media, but why does she have 5000 followers? I mean if it's for a specific purpose then that is fine, but maybe the reason she doesn't spend time thinking about you during the week is that her social media is her second life.

 

The other concerning thing is the inconsistency in her timeline, now some people are just bad at that sort of thing, but if you think she is deliberately misleading you about her past relationships then I would try to find out what she is hiding. (her social media history may give you some clues)

 

All in all I see why you are confused, it doesn't scream to me that she is cheating on you, but it does seem weird.

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Hmm this is a really hard one, I would ask if you are asking questions about her friends and what she gets up to during the week? she may feel you do not care?

 

Also is there not much contact during the week? if you did not reach out would she contact you? worth a try.

 

Thing is I found your gut is usually right, I dated a man who always placed his phone face down...he never opened himself up to me emotionally and yes it did not end well!

 

I wonder if there is an ex lurking around, that is usually the case if someone holding back emotionally. I would try and talk to her, get her to open up.

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At two months in, I'm not seeing any red flags... they could be though depending on whether or not there is any progress in the months that follow.

She just sounds a bit guarded/slow to let her walls come down.

I'd also like to know if you are asking her questions about her friends/family.

Sometimes people assume you don't care to know if you don't ask.

 

Also, how about just expressing interest in seeing her place and seeing what she says?

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Why are people on this thread and others always suportive of the girl? Like maybe she has her guard up lets give her a chance etc.

Did anyone not read or learn from my situation?!my girl said her guard was up thats why she was acting how she was. 6 months in her guard was still up. I was patient.

Next thing she meets a guy and within a month invites him to a wedding and out all over facebook and introduces him to everyone she knows.

I questioned her and said i thought your guard was up. She said yh it still is. I then said then how could u invite him to a wedding and put it all over facebook if your guard is still up.

 

She didnt have an answer for that.

Point is most of the time 95 percent actually they will screw us over. Stop.making excuses for people!

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Why are people on this thread and others always suportive of the girl? Like maybe she has her guard up lets give her a chance etc.

Did anyone not read or learn from my situation?!my girl said her guard was up thats why she was acting how she was. 6 months in her guard was still up. I was patient.

Next thing she meets a guy and within a month invites him to a wedding and out all over facebook and introduces him to everyone she knows.

I questioned her and said i thought your guard was up. She said yh it still is. I then said then how could u invite him to a wedding and put it all over facebook if your guard is still up.

 

She didnt have an answer for that.

Point is most of the time 95 percent actually they will screw us over. Stop.making excuses for people!

 

Just because you had a ****ty experience doesn't mean that all women are the same.

People can only respond according to the details provided, and this varies from post to post.

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