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Old 30th September 2017, 12:15 PM   #1
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Player or Interested?

This is the most confused I have EVER been! I am a 27 year old female, teacher, attractive/fit blonde, and I reached out to a 23 year old, very good-looking Firefighter/EMT. We went out last Tuesday for a drink... It was a Tuesday so we were alone in the bar, seeming to hit off our conversation, he held my hand there, we had our first kiss, it was smooth and GREAT. As we walked to my car, he made a point of walking closest to the street to keep me safe, held my hand the whole time, we made out... I ended up following him to his house and yes, we had hooked up and it was seemingly perfect. He texted me that night telling me how excited he was and he hopes we work out, how he finds me amazing, etc...

Next day he says he HAS to see me sooner. Well, I ended up going to his place 2 days later. Yes, we couldn't keep our hands off each other as he brought me in his room right away and we had hooked up again. After that, he brought me out to meet his roommates. They knew who I was as one of them asked how I like teaching in that grade level. In my head I thought "Wow, this guy must really like me to talk about me to them right away." The guy even comforted me by rubbing my back and sitting by me while I talked to his roommates. Then we went and cuddled and watched a movie. The guy kept making future references "I will cook for you all the time because I'm really good and you can eventually take over" or "I'll show you all around this town" or "I'll buy you the gun you want if you get me the money because I have a friend who can get you a discount" or "I can update your tv to have a Firestick for you with this service sometime, all I need is 20 minutes." SO many future references. For about an hour he constantly held me close and kissed my head and cheek so sweetly (I mean, what kinda uninterested man does that extra stuff?!) I had to leave.. and man was it hard to leave each other as we couldn't stop kissing.

Couple minutes later after I left I get "God I like you so much!" He was always so CLEAR about telling me how much he likes me, he would say "probably too much" or "I'm seriously your biggest fan" just so much sweet things that would give me butterflies. He would make a point of asking ME how I felt about him, to make sure we are on the "same page." He said he knew he liked me with in minutes and I said I felt the same. He voluntarily said "I used to mess around but I have grown up a lot and you make me really want commitment." In texts he would hint on me being his girlfriend, he would say his goal was for me to be that but we still need to get to know each other. I agreed...

Well our next date came and at about 2pm in the afternoon he said "you're gonna be mad but I can't see you tonight because I got called in for mandatory EMT today." I understood, because that happens... But then I think, why didn't he make a point of telling me in the morning so I wasn't waiting all day? I let it go because he apologized and said he'll promise to make it up to me... Next day, he reschedule for 5 days later. In my head I was like "Hm... why was he so in a hurry to see me sooner before and now he can wait longer?" So we texted on and off those days, time between getting texts back from him got slower, he stopped using so many cute words or pet names (even before meeting him he said "hey love/babe/etc.) One day he stopped texting me in the afternoon and texted me back in the morning "Hey babe I am sorry I didn't reply, I got caught up in work and then crashed at home." I understood again because they have LONG hours and are so busy.

He kept initiating a text each day, sometimes not as sweet, but I assumed since he was reaching out he still really liked me. I would always wait for him to start a convo. Well, when Thursday came (day of our 3rd date), I reached out and said good morning and asked him to confirm plans for later... Nothing. I reached out hours again... Still nothing. I told my best friend this and she texted him and played stupid like she was a friend of his and an instant reply. So then I waited.. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. 10 pm I get a text saying "I haven't heard from you all day.." I said "Oh really?" Then he sends me a screenshot of our texts. I assumed he deleted all my texts from that day because there were none there. I look at my name in his contacts and since my name as "Kyle Curr WORK." (Kyle is very close to my real name and I don't work with him.) Instantly I thought, omg I'm being played and he is hiding me...I called him out on that and he said he didn't notice that until I said something and his phone auto-corrected it to that. I said ok.. Well let's reschedule tomorrow, but I'm skeptical and I'd like to talk this all out in person. He said ok and he is free after 5pm.

I text him that next morning after HE reached out saying goodmorning. I asked him to confirm plans for 6pm as he said he was free after 5pm. Nothing... All day until 7pm where he said he "Just got out of class." I said "Oh Okay". And I thought he did that bull **** again to me.

So then this morning I texted him very abruptly and basically said **** you, I thought what we had was real and I liked you, hopefully you stop lying and stop your player ways. Sincerely, Kyle Curr from Work (in case whoever you're hiding from sees this.) HE INSTANTLY texts back and says "First of all, I wasn't hiding you. Second of all, I really liked you and hoped we worked out, third of all, you said "oh okay" And I thought you weren't interested or needed space so I gave you that." Of course I instantly felt bad and wanted to apologize... But I gave in and said I was sorry for my nastiness but I have been waiting for you and he has left me so confused. I said I was waiting for him to confirm plans all day, but he didn't. I said I still wanted to see him and maybe the reason for our disconnect has been texting. I asked him if he wanted to see me and he still wants to and asked me if I want to. I said yes. Then he asked me if we can on Monday. I said yes...

I think if I called him out on all of that and it was true, he would have just disappeared and never respond with those excuses or reasons each time (whatever they are?) Or maybe he is just very good at playing and doesn't want to lose me as an option.. So many questions. Maybe he's just young and truly doesn't know how to treat a woman yet. I am just afraid I am allowing myself to be manipulated, but I don't want to throw away this if it is something good. I just DON'T understand him. Anybody have any advice or thoughts on this?????
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Old 30th September 2017, 12:28 PM   #2
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Interested people act interested.

What does your intuition tell you about his interest level?
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:03 PM   #3
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He's full of ****. Even if he didn't get those texts you sent to confirm (which I don't believe for one second), why didn't he reach out to you to confirm? He had already lost interest for whatever reason. Don't let him manipulate the situation. He just doesn't like that he was called out. Sorry, OP. Don't bother meeting him again. Just move on without saying another word.
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:05 PM   #4
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From what I see here, he seems to have been into you. Also, he introduced you to his rommates after the second hookup.

I get the strong feeling that we are missing something from your end. Besides the whole your name misspelled in the contacts, I did not get the sense he was a player. He could still be but I just didn't get that from what you provided here.

I get the sense that you maybe did something to cause him to pull back a bit and make him wonder if he was moving too quickly ahead and once he started pulling back, as the laws of dating predicts, you started moving a bit forward again but couldn't get that brief moment of glory back to what it was previously when he was treating you like a treasure.

Now, the unfortunate thing about calling someone out on something such as their BS is that they now no longer feel comfortable around you as much. They feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you and that is no fun. It's tricky because fun is attractive and walking on eggshells is not attractive but our egos bruise easily and we can't have folks going around thinking that we are stupid.
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:25 PM   #5
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Well maybe I messed up by taking the bait and getting to excited and showing that to him through texts. I definitely agreed back to him on how I wanted him back the same and how I wanted to be his girlfriend eventually as well. I said that maybe we can talk about it next time we're together and he said "that sounds perfect babe." Unfortunately, we haven't had that next time together yet. Maybe I came on too strong once I found out his feelings and then he took a step back. I definitely probably shouldn't have sent him that text this morning calling him out on everything and probably won't get that date with him Monday like he says because of it. Ugh.. I am always failing with this dating stuff. What if he was "the one" and I messed it up.
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:27 PM   #6
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Since I am a big word person and am very genuine behind what I say, that was telling me he was completely interested and I would eventually be his girlfriend. He completely had me with that. Actions on the other hand are showing me that plans with me were not that important as they first were. Actions before words?
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Old 30th September 2017, 1:56 PM   #7
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It's okay to show your excitement as long as the other person is showing their excitement. It's being on the same page. This is chemistry and it is great when you have it. My question to you is did you possibly do something to throw the chemistry off? You have to do an honest self-assessment.

I always like to use my own personal anecdotes as examples. I think can help you look at it from another angle. For example, I decided to focus on one woman with dating recently. We have been on a few dates but yesterday, I was really annoyed that her responses to me are often brief via text and she often only respond with an emoji to say the least. I was thinking that she has a real problem with communication and was going to run the whole situation by my buddy to see what he thought until I realized "hey, Mike. You really don't call her in between dates. You send brief texts but you never call."

So if I had posted about that situation. You would have read a lot about how great our dates were but in between dates, she has one or two word replies and often there are no words but emojis and she takes long to reply. I would have probably omitted that I had not been calling her and was not much better myself.

Every now and then we have to sort of step outside of the box and assume that we are doing something wrong just for good measure. This guy seemed like he was into you and all of a sudden he seems not that into you. How did we get from A to Z like this? Are we missing BCD and E?
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:27 PM   #8
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Okay, well update. I texted him now and said "Honestly, I ruined things with today's text didn't I?" He said "No... your friend definitely didn't help the situation. (not sure if he is referring to my best friend texting him without them telling me after me sending a screenshot or something or if he found out that the random text he got Thursday night was from my friend. I said "Omg.. what did she say" He said "I deleted her texts. I said "Can we pretend none of this happened and start again Monday?" He said "We can definitely try" I said "I really had no idea about that. I am genuinely sorry for everything. I like you and liked how things felt with you and was just disappointed those days. I hope you somewhat understand?" He said "I understand and it's alright" I said "Okay... I can make it up to you somehow. And now he is not replying anymore/fast like he was with those texts. Should I bank on Monday happening? Or should I keep texting him or not keep texting him? Wow I feel like a fool for everything right now. Even if we see each other Monday, how will I act? Act like nothing truly happened or discuss this?
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:35 PM   #9
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he flaked on your date, completely ignored you about it, had you under a guys name from work,gaslighted you, and you're afraid you ruined things and you wanna pretend nothing happened. You ferreal? And yea actions over words! Would you give a cashier $2000 because she said she'll give you a fendi bag later maybe? NAH, so why do it here. You won't mess up with the right one acting excited/ interested
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:41 PM   #10
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You are losing more and more of your dignity, OP.

Stop.

Even if you hadn't called him out, it would still be over. He lost interest before you called him out. It's over.
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Old 30th September 2017, 2:57 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by kybaby View Post
Okay, well update. I texted him now and said "Honestly, I ruined things with today's text didn't I?" He said "No... your friend definitely didn't help the situation. (not sure if he is referring to my best friend texting him without them telling me after me sending a screenshot or something or if he found out that the random text he got Thursday night was from my friend. I said "Omg.. what did she say" He said "I deleted her texts. I said "Can we pretend none of this happened and start again Monday?" He said "We can definitely try" I said "I really had no idea about that. I am genuinely sorry for everything. I like you and liked how things felt with you and was just disappointed those days. I hope you somewhat understand?" He said "I understand and it's alright" I said "Okay... I can make it up to you somehow. And now he is not replying anymore/fast like he was with those texts. Should I bank on Monday happening? Or should I keep texting him or not keep texting him? Wow I feel like a fool for everything right now. Even if we see each other Monday, how will I act? Act like nothing truly happened or discuss this?
Find your self-respect and move on from this one. He handed you a red flag when he told you he's been a player and you've made him want to commit. That was a line. So was all the other future faking BS he was feeding you.

You gobbled his words and now choose to blind yourself from very apparent red flags.

Stop begging him to validate you.
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Old 30th September 2017, 3:23 PM   #12
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This just evolved into a very undesirable situation that will be now founded on a lot of poor communication and behavior. Your friend sounds like a high schooler to have texted a grown man pretending to be someone else. He saw right through this and thought "WTF?" It made you not look so hot and very insecure. If I was him, no way in the world would I believe that your friend sent him a text without your consent or knowledge. You couldn't convince me of that. This goes back to what I said above...no one wants to be taken as an idiot.

This situation spiraled into a black hole that I can't see recovering well. I would not have sent those last messages to him. Sometimes silence and patience is the best response. You really have to know when to choose your battles in dating. I wouldn't battle any more here.
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Old 30th September 2017, 3:31 PM   #13
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Thanks guys. You're right. This situation is not going to end good no matter who's fault it was. I put the icing on that cake/my friend did (and she won't even tell me what she said.) I guess I need to get over it and learn from it. WOW. How do you gain confidence and not be so insecure like this when dating people? Do any of you have a good book or something? I have no idea how to be patient and take things slow either because of trust issues... Even with texting I find it's hard to wait for responses (especially in situations like this.)

I guess if I really didn't eff things up he will contact me on Monday to see him, but I probably shouldn't have hope for that happening.

Do you believe there is more than one person you are compatible with out there? Because things felt so good with him and I was probably "too excited, too fast" that he could have been the one.
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Old 30th September 2017, 3:42 PM   #14
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Compatibility is more than just sexual chemistry. You knew absolutely nothing about the guy. Don't place someone on a pedestal so quickly just because the initial stages are exciting.
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Old 30th September 2017, 3:46 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by kybaby View Post
Thanks guys. You're right. This situation is not going to end good no matter who's fault it was. I put the icing on that cake/my friend did (and she won't even tell me what she said.) I guess I need to get over it and learn from it. WOW. How do you gain confidence and not be so insecure like this when dating people? Do any of you have a good book or something? I have no idea how to be patient and take things slow either because of trust issues... Even with texting I find it's hard to wait for responses (especially in situations like this.)

I guess if I really didn't eff things up he will contact me on Monday to see him, but I probably shouldn't have hope for that happening.

Do you believe there is more than one person you are compatible with out there? Because things felt so good with him and I was probably "too excited, too fast" that he could have been the one.

Didn't you say that you were 27, a teacher, fit, attractive and blonde? Trust me, us guys are no where near finished with you. We haven't even started yet.


I am a big believer in multi-dating in the early stages of dating. In my opinion, it cures most ailments related to self-destructive behavior in the early stages of dating such as impatience. When you have several people texting you throughout the day and have to wish them all good morning, them all good night, and hope that they all had a good day believe me, you will pray that they take a lot of time to respond to your texts so you can stay off of your damn phone for a second.
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