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When is it healthy to proclaim a 'relationship'?


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Old 28th September 2017, 12:06 PM   #16
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aaaaaaaawwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! thanks for digging that out. It explains everything!!

Please tell me she is not his first girlfriend since his separation?
Sounds like she is. 4 months after his split they got together.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:25 PM   #17
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does he know you were dating/sleeping with someone else at the beginning ?

i wonder how you would feel if he was too hmm
Yes he knew, I was upfront with him about it. He was not seeing anyone else though.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:28 PM   #18
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Sounds like she is. 4 months after his split they got together.
They officially split in January, however, the relationship was already deteriorating 5 years prior, and they almost split a year before, he was emotionally detached already, but because of the time they had shared, he tried to salvage it, but he couldn't. It was long broken.

I really don't worry too much about this aspect of it all. It doesn't matter to him either, I think. We had a lot of talks about this because in the beginning I was worried about him needing more time alone. He said the only reason for that would be to find himself again and spend quality time with himself, which he does now. He's doing all the things he wanted to do, and he said that he found himself more in the four months with me than in the 4 months he was alone.
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Old 28th September 2017, 5:22 PM   #19
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A guy who would be "unconditionally devoted" to me at girlfriend status would send me running for the hills. To me, boyfriend & girlfriend status is still very much in the 'getting to know you' region.
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Old 29th September 2017, 1:26 AM   #20
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A guy who would be "unconditionally devoted" to me at girlfriend status would send me running for the hills. To me, boyfriend & girlfriend status is still very much in the 'getting to know you' region.
I think it is different for him, since he does not want to get married (ever).
He said that maybe 10 years ago he would have felt different about the BF/GF label, but at this point, it means a lot to him. I think sort of like marriage, in a way, commitment wise.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:03 AM   #21
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I think it is different for him, since he does not want to get married (ever).
He said that maybe 10 years ago he would have felt different about the BF/GF label, but at this point, it means a lot to him. I think sort of like marriage, in a way, commitment wise.
So what's in between? If only being gf-bf is like a marriage what is there between being nothing and being bf-gf? I think his reasoning is flawed and he's just reaching for excuses. He knows deep down he doesn't want a title and maybe he cannot even explain why with words but one thing is for sure being gf-bf makes him not feel good.

If I were you I would give him a total of 9 months to work through his fear of something as trivial as calling each other gf-bf. I mean, I have 17 year old nieces and nephews with gf and bf. Yes it's as trivial as that. It's not a legal contract.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:08 AM   #22
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His excuse use makes 0 sense to me. I would be asking what expectations he feels the label entails that he is so adverse to.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:08 AM   #23
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I think it is different for him, since he does not want to get married (ever).
He said that maybe 10 years ago he would have felt different about the BF/GF label, but at this point, it means a lot to him. I think sort of like marriage, in a way, commitment wise.
But he's Dutch - right? I lived there and living together is a legal status no different from marriage. Or he doesn't want to cohabitate with a gf again?
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:10 AM   #24
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In NL they living together BF/GF and marriage are the same. I think people here do not recognize this - NL is very diffeerent than the US in that respect.

That's probably why he's slow on titles.

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So what's in between? If only being gf-bf is like a marriage what is there between being nothing and being bf-gf? I think his reasoning is flawed and he's just reaching for excuses. He knows deep down he doesn't want a title and maybe he cannot even explain why with words but one thing is for sure being gf-bf makes him not feel good.

If I were you I would give him a total of 9 months to work through his fear of something as trivial as calling each other gf-bf. I mean, I have 17 year old nieces and nephews with gf and bf. Yes it's as trivial as that. It's not a legal contract.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:10 AM   #25
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You don't have to cohabitate w a gf though. It's just weird. Then I read 4 mo out of LTR and it all makes sense. I can understand this guy's feelings. He is still on the rebound...
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:14 AM   #26
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In NL they living together BF/GF and marriage are the same. I think people here do not recognize this - NL is very diffeerent than the US in that respect.

That's probably why he's slow on titles.
It's the same where I live. If we live under the same roof for 2 years we are officially common-law in the eyes of the government and the civil/criminal law.

In their case it's only about dating and calling each other gf/bf. OP said she will not be ready to move in together for years.

His problem is about introducing her to people as his gf, being 'in relationship' on FB and all that flafla.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:17 AM   #27
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...and while I am at it.

He told her he *loves her* but he won't call her his girlfriend. I'd like to have a map of this guy's brain.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:17 AM   #28
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I think he's mixing the two in his head. He's still very fresh out of his common law and I'm sure his perceptions are messed up. But on the other side- he seems to really like OP, so it is maybe worth she gives him some time...

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It's the same where I live. If we live under the same roof for 2 years we are officially common-law in the eyes of the government and the civil/criminal law.

In their case it's only about dating and calling each other gf/bf. OP said she will not be ready to move in together for years.

His problem is about introducing her to people as his gf, being 'in relationship' on FB and all that flafla.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:20 AM   #29
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I dated a guy for 3 weeks, admitted feelings, he asked me to be his gf, I agreed, two days later I had a straight up panic attack thinking about the commitment and yes, FB status change, I called and told him I wasn't ready to be anyone's gf and I was back on Tinder. I'm almost but not quite 4 months NC with ex.

He wanted to keep dating but no. I wonder though if we dated and he never asked me where it'd go? I wonder what happens when people stick around circumstances.
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Last edited by Cookiesandough; 29th September 2017 at 9:23 AM..
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:32 AM   #30
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I dated a guy for 3 weeks, admitted feelings, he asked me to be his gf, I agreed, two days later I had a straight up panic attack thinking about the commitment and yes, FB status change, I called and told him I wasn't ready to be anyone's gf and I was back on Tinder. I'm almost but not quite 4 months NC with ex.

He wanted to keep dating but no. I wonder though if we dated and he never asked me where it'd go? I wonder what happens when people stick around circumstances.
I did stick around a man that was afraid of a title and 1 year later he was still afraid to call me his gf. That's when I terminated it.

My current bf called me his gf after 6-8 weeks dating. It still took months for me to introduce him to family and friends. Him calling me his gf is only about identifying me as the woman he has a romantic relationship with. Nothing else.
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