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When is it healthy to proclaim a 'relationship'?


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Old 28th September 2017, 11:29 AM   #1
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When is it healthy to proclaim a 'relationship'?

I have dated my guy for 4 months, and we haven't put a label on it yet.
In the past, I usually determined the labels very quickly (once after 3 weeks, another time after 2 months, another time after 3 months) - not saying that this got me anywhere, since all my relationships failed, and the more recent ones all failed very quickly.

This is the first time I am dating someone who's quite a bit older than me, and I think to him the label means a lot, kinda like marriage, I think. It is also the first time I am feeling a healthy balance with someone. I don't think I have ever been this happy. Thus, of course, I have been very patient with him as well.

We had a bit of a talk he initiated a few weeks back, where he said that this label is not something he throws around blindly. Once I'd be his girlfriend, he'd be 'unconditionally devoted' to me. He also said he wants to be my boyfriend and that we are 'on our way there'. Since then, I have not brought it up, but he hasn't either...

So, how long do you think is a healthy time to wait for two people to decide they are in a 'relationship'? Is 4 months too long?
I have to admit, I am more than ready, but I don't want to pressure him.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:35 AM   #2
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Please give details of how you guys date? U go on propee dates? How often u see each other? Intimate? Seen each friends? Invite each other to events?
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:37 AM   #3
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Are you 2 from the same culture?

Even though you are not in an official relationship are you at least exclusive?
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:43 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
I have dated my guy for 4 months, and we haven't put a label on it yet.
In the past, I usually determined the labels very quickly (once after 3 weeks, another time after 2 months, another time after 3 months) - not saying that this got me anywhere, since all my relationships failed, and the more recent ones all failed very quickly.

This is the first time I am dating someone who's quite a bit older than me, and I think to him the label means a lot, kinda like marriage, I think. It is also the first time I am feeling a healthy balance with someone. I don't think I have ever been this happy. Thus, of course, I have been very patient with him as well.

We had a bit of a talk he initiated a few weeks back, where he said that this label is not something he throws around blindly. Once I'd be his girlfriend, he'd be 'unconditionally devoted' to me. He also said he wants to be my boyfriend and that we are 'on our way there'. Since then, I have not brought it up, but he hasn't either...

So, how long do you think is a healthy time to wait for two people to decide they are in a 'relationship'? Is 4 months too long?
I have to admit, I am more than ready, but I don't want to pressure him.


Oh he isn't officially your bf yet?

My bf is the same with labels and I'm the same as you. For him having the label of bf/gf means serious relationship. When we initially discussed it after a month of talking he basically said he isn't ready for the title and wants to explore us, take things slow and see where it goes.

I was bummed because I was ready for the label. So to let my mind off it I told myself I will see where we are after a year. If we still don't have the title and the ILY, I will have to reevaluate. But luckily, we became official before we even reach our 6 months.

It just happened naturally. There was no deep conversation. He just started calling me his gf and he referred to himself as my bf. But I tried to ignore it because I didn't want to assume. I could be wrong. Until one day we were talking about us and he stopped me to say " just so you know I refer to you as my gf when I talk to people." That was it.

Just like how he told you he loves you, this too will come naturally. You can't really put an exact time frame on it. You just have to weigh it out what's more important to you. If this guy makes you really happy then just continue to go with the flow and enjoy every moment you share.

That's funny though. His ILY came first before the label. I on the other hand is still waiting for the ILY.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:47 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by fred123 View Post
Please give details of how you guys date? U go on propee dates? How often u see each other? Intimate? Seen each friends? Invite each other to events?
We see each other usually 3 days and nights per week, and try to have at least one or two days each weekend. We have been intimate from the start. He wanted exclusivity after two weeks, and I was dating someone else at the time, but knew in my heart what I wanted, so we have been exclusive since late June. He is very committed to me and goes above and beyond to please me.

Since we live in different cities, he makes an effort to come see me a lot by car. We haven't really met each other's friends yet, but this has rather been because I don't have so many friends here and everyone has been busy, and we have been just very focused on each other, getting to know one another and planning things together. He met one of my close friends and my best friend, and my mom, I met one of his close friends. But I only recently started going to his house more (because it costs me quite some money to take the train, but I just started a course at Uni there, so I am there more often), otherwise I probably would have met more of his friends (he invited me to plenty events, where I then couldn't join).
Anyway, we go out together a lot (mainly dinner, drinks or concerts), and are going on our first vacation together tomorrow (a surprise trip he has planned, I don't know where we are going).
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:52 AM   #6
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We see each other usually 3 days and nights per week, and try to have at least one or two days each weekend. We have been intimate from the start. He wanted exclusivity after two weeks, and I was dating someone else at the time, but knew in my heart what I wanted, so we have been exclusive since late June. He is very committed to me and goes above and beyond to please me.

Since we live in different cities, he makes an effort to come see me a lot by car. We haven't really met each other's friends yet, but this has rather been because I don't have so many friends here and everyone has been busy, and we have been just very focused on each other, getting to know one another and planning things together. He met one of my close friends and my best friend, and my mom, I met one of his close friends. But I only recently started going to his house more (because it costs me quite some money to take the train, but I just started a course at Uni there, so I am there more often), otherwise I probably would have met more of his friends (he invited me to plenty events, where I then couldn't join).
Anyway, we go out together a lot (mainly dinner, drinks or concerts), and are going on our first vacation together tomorrow (a surprise trip he has planned, I don't know where we are going).
All of this is pretty amazing! Why the need to rush it to the next level? It's just been 4 months. I know you want to yell to the world this is your boyfriend but it will get there on time. Enjoy what you have now because once it's gone, it's gone. Many women in relationships would like to go back in time and enjoy the excitement of a new relationship, you have it, it's happening now, enjoy it.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:53 AM   #7
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Originally Posted by LovelyRose View Post
Oh he isn't officially your bf yet?

My bf is the same with labels and I'm the same as you. For him having the label of bf/gf means serious relationship. When we initially discussed it after a month of talking he basically said he isn't ready for the title and wants to explore us, take things slow and see where it goes.

I was bummed because I was ready for the label. So to let my mind off it I told myself I will see where we are after a year. If we still don't have the title and the ILY, I will have to reevaluate. But luckily, we became official before we even reach our 6 months.

It just happened naturally. There was no deep conversation. He just started calling me his gf and he referred to himself as my bf. But I tried to ignore it because I didn't want to assume. I could be wrong. Until one day we were talking about us and he stopped me to say " just so you know I refer to you as my gf when I talk to people." That was it.

Just like how he told you he loves you, this too will come naturally. You can't really put an exact time frame on it. You just have to weigh it out what's more important to you. If this guy makes you really happy then just continue to go with the flow and enjoy every moment you share.

That's funny though. His ILY came first before the label. I on the other hand is still waiting for the ILY.
That is really weird, seems very similar indeed.
However, when we had this talk a few weeks ago, he actually said that it does not come naturally, that he thinks we need to talk about what is important for both of us in a relationship, what we both think the responsibilities are, and he also mentioned that he wants ME to get to know HIM better first. I really thought that was odd. I think there are a lot of underlying insecurities with him as well, that sicker through every now and then. He seems very composed, but I think a lot of that is facade. He just started therapy again this week; told me that he wants to be better at communicating his feelings and desires to me.
I think he really lost himself in his last relationship and is afraid for it to happen again. Said he wants to 'do everything right with me' because he wants to 'not mess this up'...
I really don't see where he is coming from, so far he's been just perfect, I don't even know why he has insecurities about us, because we've been super healthy and it's been a great progression of becoming attached and earning trust.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:55 AM   #8
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Are you 2 from the same culture?

Even though you are not in an official relationship are you at least exclusive?
I am German, he is Dutch.
And yes, of course, we have been committed to one another for over 3 months.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:56 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by heavenonearth View Post
We see each other usually 3 days and nights per week, and try to have at least one or two days each weekend. We have been intimate from the start. He wanted exclusivity after two weeks, and I was dating someone else at the time, but knew in my heart what I wanted, so we have been exclusive since late June. He is very committed to me and goes above and beyond to please me.

Since we live in different cities, he makes an effort to come see me a lot by car. We haven't really met each other's friends yet, but this has rather been because I don't have so many friends here and everyone has been busy, and we have been just very focused on each other, getting to know one another and planning things together. He met one of my close friends and my best friend, and my mom, I met one of his close friends. But I only recently started going to his house more (because it costs me quite some money to take the train, but I just started a course at Uni there, so I am there more often), otherwise I probably would have met more of his friends (he invited me to plenty events, where I then couldn't join).
Anyway, we go out together a lot (mainly dinner, drinks or concerts), and are going on our first vacation together tomorrow (a surprise trip he has planned, I don't know where we are going).


Awwwww. Surprise vacation! Do let us know how it goes. Maybe he will have the talk with you about the label. Don't get too excited but stay positive. You guys will get there eventually. Just relax and enjoy!
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:58 AM   #10
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All of this is pretty amazing! Why the need to rush it to the next level? It's just been 4 months. I know you want to yell to the world this is your boyfriend but it will get there on time. Enjoy what you have now because once it's gone, it's gone. Many women in relationships would like to go back in time and enjoy the excitement of a new relationship, you have it, it's happening now, enjoy it.
Good to know. I thought I was going a bit nuts that I don't have the label yet after 4 months. it just seems so weird to me, because I always tell him how crazy I am for him, and then he always responds with that I know nothing, because he's 100 times crazier for me.
Mhhh so i wonder to myself, if he is more crazy for me than I am for him, how the heck is it that I want to be his girlfriend but he just can't say it yet... :P

I do enjoy every moment with him, and to be honest, it does not bother me too much that we don't have the label yet, I hope it will come it time though, I don't want to wait 6 months or so. It's hard to contain my excitement for this relationship. It's the best.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:01 PM   #11
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If today he said ok, we are in an official relationship, what would it change for you?

The way he describes being in a relationship is almost like describing a marriage. My bf and I were exclusive from date 5 or 6 and we called each other bf and gf from that moment but I still took 4 months to introduce him to some of my family. I find your boyfriend puts way too much pressure on himself. It's like for him being in a relationship means taking a 4 months relationship and speed-warp it to a 2 year relationship in one big step.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:43 PM   #12
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does he know you were dating/sleeping with someone else at the beginning ?

i wonder how you would feel if he was too hmm
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:49 PM   #13
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If today he said ok, we are in an official relationship, what would it change for you?

The way he describes being in a relationship is almost like describing a marriage. My bf and I were exclusive from date 5 or 6 and we called each other bf and gf from that moment but I still took 4 months to introduce him to some of my family. I find your boyfriend puts way too much pressure on himself.

It's like for him being in a relationship means taking a 4 months relationship and speed-warp it to a 2 year relationship in one big step.
That is because only 9 months ago he was in a 15 year long term relationship and he has since quickly slotted the OP into his life
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:58 PM   #14
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That is because only 9 months ago he was in a 15 year long term relationship and he has since quickly slotted the OP into his life
aaaaaaaawwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! thanks for digging that out. It explains everything!!

Please tell me she is not his first girlfriend since his separation?
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Old 28th September 2017, 1:05 PM   #15
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aaaaaaaawwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!! thanks for digging that out. It explains everything!!

Please tell me she is not his first girlfriend since his separation?
She's the first one :/ All comes from there.
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